060122

[prismaticbleed]

Slept until 1140

RAN to mass, somehow got there even early

Low glucose, hard to focus 

Wore grandma's dress 

Forgot to wear red for the martyrs, felt bad 

Did laundry

Took 4 entire washers

Vacuumed at last

Read some mail

Miraculous medal donation request 

VOTM John Chau story. I wept

My faith really has become lukewarm. Disturbed deeply. 

Finally breakfast at 4

Mom called, i thought it was about the looming storm 

No it was about a SHOOTING AT THE LOCAL WALMART WTF. 

Like an idiot, brain latched onto this "obstacle to freedom," got in car and drove to Aldi

ON LOCKDOWN.

redners was not. Got typical vegs, oats, stevia, eggs, tuna. Place was dead empty, employees talking about police. Surreal

Drove past Aldi to leave, still closed.

CAR AT STOPLIGHT. felt deep fear for some reason. "That's the active shooter." Watching them in rearview, windshield dark but I could tell they were laughing. SUDDENLY ALL THEIR DOORS OPENED AND THEY GOT OUT AND RAN TOWARDS MY CAR. 

I FLOORED IT through the red light. Sobbing and praying hysterically. So afraid they would find me and follow me home. 

Got home safe, locked door, cried. 

Got laundry put away. Said rosary while I did. 

Talking to Laurie briefly. 

Her trying to "streamline" her function do she's not "trying to be everything to everyone "; she quipped "only God can do that; and only God should"

Her color getting more violet too. Poignant but moves the heart. A good thing. 

Binge thoughts. In light of Romans 6:2. Origen. 

Do I "desire" to do this? Feeling it out.

Answer? NO. BECAUSE THERE IS NO "SELF" THERE WHEN THIS HAPPENS!!!! It's social mode empty head muzak dissociation. The "desire" to eat is a desire for repetitive sensory movement & input IN ORDER TO SHUT DOWN THE SENSE OF SELF!!! 

Thinking "Jesus didn't fall today" (the little cross)

Answer: Jesus fell UNDER the cross, 

Remember that he said that the reason why he let the statue fall was so I would pick it up. That would show that I loved him enough to always do them. But it upset me because I would think well you keep falling it would upset me a great deal because I didn't want him to fall. And the weird thought would come up don't you love me because I thought the falling meant he didn't love me it was a punishment somehow. In response I got well isn't that how I feel about you?  I don't want you to fall it upsets me a great deal and you keep falling but I will always rush to your side and pick you up with great love and compassion. He let himself fall into the cross to show that he understands completely wanted his like when we fall even though he does not sin. 

Truly I hunger for God. I ravenously read Scripture, I can't get enough. Its an actual SENSATION of hunger. 

I don't get hungry for food anymore, not truly. I do get hunger pain, but I don't crave food. I just have the empty compulsions that I'm fighting. But there's no desire. 

Whereas I want God SO BADLY I could cry. It's a Starving feeling whenever I turn my attention away even for a minute. But its bliss to return, to FEEL Him embrace me back, to live in Him. 

The eating disorder is a barrier between us. It must go!!!! 

Eucharist feelings lately. Those precious few seconds of PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH GOD. 

"Mouth to skin" like a nursing baby. 

The tongue is how a baby senses the world. Everything is taste. So am i, babe in faith, learning the world = mother = His wounded side = my God and my All. 

Every encounter is unique, but sacrosanct. Sometimes I taste blood. Sometimes the salt of sweat. Sometimes the softness of a breast. Sometimes the shock of an open wound. Sometimes a kiss. But nothing if I am not there with Him totally. 

... But I'm also so aware of how SICK my soul is lately. 

I want to be a Saint but God i need my entire nature to be rewritten at this point. I'm such a wreck. And I KNOW it. That's the worst part, the conscious dissociation paralysis Paradox. Its hell. I want to stop, why can't I stop??? 

Goretti adoration hour 

Virtually no one there-- theirs is a youth group thing???

Twangy voice girls singing prorestant pop on a keyboard. I'm sorry I sound bitter but it felt weirdly irreverent and I was CHOKING ON PANIC & FEAR. both over food & environment. 

Still kept my eyes on Jesus. 

GORGEOUS pink soulfire lilac fishscale ribbon sunset 

Driving felt surreal. Being out so late feels wrong, foreboding. 

Home at 9

Still SO SICK for some reason. Thought I'd pass out 

Decided to eat and see how that affected it

(Again, bizarrely, puking resolved the symptoms. Why??????) 

My seeking comfort in sensory pleasures is rooted in the FEAR THAT GOD DOESNT WANT ME IN HEAVEN, THEREFORE I MUST COMFORT MY WRETCHED SELF HERE. THAT IS A FALSE FEAR!!! GOD LOVES ME!!! And honestly I think if I DID give up all earthly comforts even on just the DESPERATE HOPE that I would instead get comfort in heaven one day, despite the unworthy and horrible wretch that I am, God would mercifully respond TO that mad trust and sacrifice of hope "against hope". God isn't spiteful. He would never kick someone when they're down. He would never mock someone in tears. Sometimes I find that hard to believe. But I know Jesus would not do that. So I must trust Him. 

Eating while reading Bible = sowing tares among my own wheat!!!