the spectrum heart cathedral system

post-breakfast//


We're obsessing over our past pains & trauma, our fears & anxieties, our internal complexities, and our external stimuli data FAR TOO MUCH. It's taking precious time, energy, attention, & effort away from GOD-- from knowing, loving, and serving Him-- and that WILL KILL US, if we let it continue. So. Let's simplify & purify. Let's center our mind & heart on Jesus Christ, as both our strength for the journey AND the Summit of our entire life, our TRUE and ultimate goal IN ALL THINGS. Stop hunting for trauma-drama & "the lust of the mouth" in every meal. STOP. Healing CANNOT be found in memory, taste, or thought. Our recovery, in EVERY aspect, CAN ONLY OCCUR THROUGH COMMUNION WITH CHRIST.
So reorient your life. Stop babbling so much on paper and PRAY instead. Whatever happened to mealtime Bible study? Get your priorities back in proper order!

General breakfast data:
+ Oatmeal, plain: neutral, earthy, humble, simple, warm. Virtuous qualities we too must embody. Resist all temptations to add indulgent sugars, especially creamer & soymilk-- that is DIS-ORDERED USE. It is MEANT to be meek & plain. Treasure that. Think of Christ's simple robes, and Franciscan habits.
★ Trying to "find" attached memories/ wounds recalls only addictive episodes of food abuse. There is NO NEED to relive them. Healing occurs through GRATITUDE & TEMPERANCE & TURNING THE HEART TO GOD. Healing happens NOW, and is inundated with COMPASSION & MERCIFUL FORGIVENESS. It is best & most prudent to visit these memories AFTER a meal? NOT to relive but to REWRITE. We MUST do that, but we should try to safely minimize that potential trauma exposure DURING a meal? Like, yes, if a memory comes up, acknowledge & respect it, BUT at that moment in realtime, ONLY SEND TENDER COMPASSION & CHRIST-CENTERED FOCUS. Fill that chronosphere with active HOPE, FAITH, & LOVE; then let it soak and go back to the present, to CONSCIOUSLY & GRATEFULLY EAT so dissociation doesn't trigger more "void panic." And PRAY ALWAYS, joyfully, with all thanksgiving. ALWAYS, especially after the meal, before you walk into those memories more deeply. Christ must work through us, for His glory!
+ Strawberry Greek yogurt. No memory/ trauma/ vibes at all? Surprisingly a purely simple experience. That was so refreshing; it gave us a moment of rest. The sole association was to grandma, only in a fond recollection, as we associate her with strawberries. I'm actually not sure why! Possibly the Ensure, and did she like strawberry shortcake? We should ask mom. But yes, other than that, the yogurt was just yogurt! It was a bit shocking, really-- we're so used to internal experiences taking precedent over, and co-occuring with, the external. Is this is what eating is like for normal people? Just pure, simple experience? Oddly, it gives us hope for healing: for meals as SHARED experience in community. You can't eat WITH others if you're buried inside YOURSELF. Be humbled!
+ Vanilla soymilk-- mixed with vanilla chai tea! HELLO BORDERS TYPING MEMORIES. It tasted JUST like the legit chai we used too drink. (TRY THE GREEN NEXT TIME!!) Sadly there is SO much anxious-depressed ambience there, turbulent beneath her borderline-manic creative overflow. BUT, once again, we felt at the heart of it all, a LACK OF RELIGIOUS FAITH/ HOPE/ LOVE, which is ALWAYS the ultimate cause of ALL our past depression, despair, anxiety, etc. And she FELT that emptiness beneath everything, despite her love of the League and the lovely fall weather and the cozy chai and the sweet silent time in solitude. When she listened to music & read manga & watched anime & wrote stories & played games, drowning in human creativity, her soul was STILL unsatisfied, unsettled-- restless without its true place of rest in God. So, as with ALL such chronospheres so far, the ONLY way to heal her heart is to BRING CHRIST TO HER. So... He came to her. He sat with her, and reassured her of a future with hope, the one in which WE live now-- of an end to the trauma, of a greater purpose to her life, of true joy and not vain entertainment, of love everlasting and true from the very Heart of Jesus, despite her scars. And she opened her heart to that, nervous with doubt born of trauma but now so, so ready to hope. She let His promises begin to soak in, and the taste of the chai became truly sweet at last. No, we can't literally change the historical past, but we CAN change our PERSONAL past, and that's VITAL.
+ We did add creamer, too, which completed the flavor memory. Plain soymilk still aches-- we took a few sips-- but now we discovered WHY: the ache is tied to DAD. He's upset, closed-off to her, and THAT is giving her the heartache. She desperately wants COMMUNION; she needs that family bond and it is so damaged. I wonder now if HE liked cornflakes, and if THAT'S why she's eating them, with the sweet vanilla that reflects the hope & core of her own heart, a heart now terrifyingly beginning to turn tasteless, even bitter. But right now, it's cornflakes and soymilk, together, in harmony. Dad & daughter. Even writing that I want to cry. God, I miss dad. So does she. She wants to sit & eat with him SO badly-- to watch the news & "shoot the bull" & laugh & begin the day of work together. THAT is what she needs to heal; I can feel the charity in her heart, the strong sprout of childhood faith lingering still, having been insulated by the Spinnys during high school, and it WILL bloom through the blessing of a family restored, her domestic church. Family and faith are POWERFULLY interconnected. Without faith, the family collapses; without family, faith is crippled. We STILL need this healing. THAT'S the most important point here: our CURRENT healing, AND our past healing, BOTH require PRESENT HEALING OF OUR FAMILY LIFE, especially in the places where we have experienced long-term lack or pain. Even as broken as it is now, GOD CAN HEAL IT, in the way HE deems best. TRUST HIM. Prayerfully give your beloved family to His Heart and TRUST that He WILL bring Life to all that has been hurt by death, by sin. Pray for Saint Monica's intercession too! There is ALWAYS HOPE, and God willing we will ALL be together in Heaven. Please, no matter WHAT happens, HOPE IN THAT. Hope in God's Mercy. Hope in Christ's Blood to save and heal us all. Rest in that. God loves all of us. He will seek and find the lost and bring them home to Him. BUT WE MUST COOPERATE WITH THAT LOVE, NOW. You, too, reach out and love!! Healing cannot happen in a vacuum! "Christ has no hands but yours!" So LOVE your family. COMMUNICATE with them. VISIT them. SERVE them. LOVE them. BE THERE for them, to meet their every need, as Christ meets yours! THAT is what it means to BE a Christian!!
+ RAISINS. They were instinctually labeled as a "fear food," but ONLY (again) because we ALWAYS used to abuse the poor things... "ab-use" like "dis-order." It's Improper dealings with God's creatures; distorting Life. They were always a binge/ addiction food, impossible to purge, and devastating our blood sugar. But the fault was ALWAYS OURS. The raisins were innocent. THEY don't "need forgiveness"-- WE DO. The raisins just became a "manifestation" of our guilt. Christ helped us heal by giving us positive associations to RE-ANCHOR them too: notably, they are GRAPES, the fruit of the vine, a symbol of Christ Himself... but exposed to SO much Light they are "bled dry" and become SO SWEET, a remedy & strength for those fainting & weak in the deserts.
+ More about the raisins: Jesus used the phrase "Nazirite vs Nazarene;" OT vs NT. We WERE avoiding grapes once we learned of old Nazirite vows, superstitiously terrified that if we DID eat raisins now that we had that knowledge, we would "profane ourselves." But GRAPES were okay, because of Jesus. What a hypocrite! We were just using religion to "justify" & mask our deep guilt & shame & fear-flashbacks that ONLY raisins invariably triggered (grapes DO trigger us sometimes, but ONLY when we're unstable; otherwise they have enough positive associations to override the fear). So Jesus reminded us of King David celebrating the Ark's return to the Temple, giving out RAISIN CAKES to the jubilant crowd, full of God-given sweetness, to symbolize the JOY OF THEIR FAITH!!! And He again emphasized the Cross comparison: the dried fruit an image of death, all its water dried up, BUT through that death-- a death ONLY in appearance, AND a death BY LIGHT, by becoming SO full of it the body MUST change to hold it all-- it becomes a SOURCE of deeper life, saturated and so sweet. Just like Jesus. And THAT soothed our fears. We were still anxious BUT we TRUSTED Him-- AND obeyed His instructions when He told me to ONLY eat them 3-4 at a time, with a spoon, to avoid dirty hands, choking, overeating triggers, & anxious rushing.


post-lunch//

(notes were written in fragmented form.)

Jesus gave order directions again; worked PERFECTLY.
Ate with eyes OPEN!!! Jesus asked me to. ♥ Realized the eye-closing is actually TRAUMA RESIDUE = forcing dissociation so we COULDN'T SEE / PROCESS what was going into our body. But we TRUST GOD now, with the food HE gives us to HELP & HEAL us. It is ALWAYS safe, so now we CAN look at it and be grateful AND consciously present!!
★ DIFFERENT PASTAS HAVE VARYING SAFETY LEVELS!! SO DO APPLES! All different preps elicit different reactions. Be aware of that; it makes healing more complex. Ziti is safe. Spaghetti is scary. Macaroni is TERRIFYING. etc. Make lists??
+ SPAGHETTI is a fear food!! but WHY? meatballs = funeral/ church hall/ VFW dinners (all oddly comfy to sit in? CHILDHOOD. but inexplicably pervasive ambience of anxiety & dread??) Healing hope = get to eat pasta with mom & Lou; attend "ziti dinners" at church; eat at church picnics & such; GRANDPA!!
+ PASTA = boyscout memories too; school too maybe?? TONS of association; hometown is very italian!
+ APPLE JUICE is a fear food! one nice surprise: tastes like autumn sunlight in apple trees. not artificial! BUT?? harvest vibe is the scary thing!! association of apples with FAIRS and such!! healing hope = local tree farm with mom, apple picking in home woods. also scary is "apple juice" as a PHRASE/ CONCEPT, tied to childhood? WHY?? the IDEA of buying OR drinking it is scary!
+ TOMATO SAUCE = I actually LIKE the "sundried tomato" taste?? a nice shock! Happy that it's a red food I may now enjoy
+ PARMESAN = fear food ONLY because of migraines. waiting to see. but we admittedly enjoyed the taste. Jesus said ONE packet-- it was enough!
+ temptation to "create an alter TO eat spaghetti," ESPECIALLY a nonhuman one: I REFUSED.
I DON'T WANT TO BURY ANXIETY & DISSOCIATE IN ORDER TO EAT. I want to HEAL and be WHOLE and UNAFRAID. I want to BE, WITH PEOPLE, CONSCIOUSLY!!
★ DEVIL PRETENDING TO BE JESUS, TRYING TO TRICK US. Requiring DISCERNMENT to recognize the inherent difference between satan & Christ: apparent to a heart grounded in grace & Christ's peace, BUT veiled & muddled to an anxious, doubtful heart! When struggling like this, STOP & PRAY!! Jesus WILL reply; there are certain things ONLY He can say, too. Remember that! ALSO HIS MOM!!! ♥ Satan CANNOT STAND Mary, & tries to masquerade as her, too. But Mary is INHERENTLY HUMBLE & PURE and believe me you WILL know/feel when it's not her! She ALWAYS leads us TO Christ. Ask for her help always; you're her daughter & she loves you too!!



post-group//

DBT group was REALLY TOUGH as it touched on the topic of self-respect & how it can be DESTROYED by compromising/ ignoring/ betraying one's morals for the sake of "maintaining a relationship." That DEFINED our "relationship" with TBAS and we STILL haven't been able to cope with it. THAT was what killed our very sense of self, AND BY EXTENSION, everything RELATED to that self, which is HOW & WHY our ENTIRE HISTORY OF EXPERIENTIAL MEMORY WAS ANNIHILATED. Honestly I'm actually kind of grateful for food triggers here because they are, oddly but actually, helping RESTORE our experiential memory and reCLAIMING our ACTUAL LIVED CONNECTION & OWNERSHIP of those memories & emotions & contexts!! Yes, I was there! Yes, I felt that way! Yes, I am part of that family, I am a student at that school, I EXIST TO OTHER PEOPLE AND IN OTHER PLACES AND IN OTHER TIMES, and that existence is ONE!!! It is ALL ME. I EXIST, IN A UNIFIED SELF, A CONSTANT EXISTENCE, IN ALL THOSE PLACES & TIMES & TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
...After CNC, we lost that for SO LONG... because at our absolute heart IS our morality; our very core is our faith, our religion, our conscience. And the Broken Arrows shot us through.
It genuinely DID "kill" me/us in a very real sense. To suddenly, and SO drastically, sabotage & distort & crush our moral compass, did the same TO our heart. We COULDN'T "keep living as" our Self up to that point because we WEREN'T, not anymore, not with them... not FOR them. And THAT was the root of the problem, as revealed via DBT: we were striving SO desperately to achieve "relationship effectiveness" that we burnt ourself alive on their pagan altar; as blunt and horrifying as that sounds it's TRUE, damn it all. We abandoned self-respect and adored them. We abandoned GOD and idolized them. We STOPPED PRAYING & GOING TO CHURCH there, stopping INSTANTLY & disturbingly so, like being beheaded. We lost our mind & lost our heart & almost lost our soul, too. And we are JUST NOW beginning to recover. But... we haven't really forgiven ourselves for it. That's why it hurts so unbearably & we're suffocating on shame & guilt. God help us heal, please. Have mercy on our poor soul. Restore & repair our broken & missing pieces in Your tender care & wisdom. Please, let us still be Your child. Please. Restore our morality, & fortify it forever for Your sake. Save our soul, Lord, have mercy!!!


post-dinner//

Chicken with stuffing & gravy, white/wild rice pilaf, dinner roll & 1 butter, 3 s&p, 3 creamer, 2 teas.
My blood sugar hit ~72 before dinner & I am still so woozy & nauseous, I feel awful. This happened yesterday too. Chest heaviness & cold breathing. It aches and I'm so tired & wobbly. I wonder why. Jesus, help me to carry this Cross with You!!
The sick symptoms made me scared & so distracted, and there was SO much talk & noise, and all that PLUS my keeping my eyes OPEN made me HARD DISSOCIATE for virtually the ENTIRE MEAL. The silver lining is that I DID talk to Jesus & follow His direction the entire time, so my timing was great and I didn't "blank out" while eating despite the terrible distraction & worried weariness. But it was an important experience to have; I'm now very aware that I need to improve in those areas, and that they ARE risks. Team set my main treatment goal-- stated three times in my plan-- as "emotion regulation" and I agree. I get washed away in them too easily, too totally. I'm apparently not grounded at all! I actually FORGOT about that term until someone mentioned it as a goal today-- "centering and grounding." Christ is my Center; but how do I "ground"? Through the Cross? Through the Via Dolorosa beneath my feet now too? Perhaps. Probably. That will free me from worldliness & enable me TO accept & carry my Cross. Grounding is NOT escaping, remember. It's just getting solid footing despite the waves crashing down on & around you. And that reminds me of a certain parable! "A house built on solid Rock" will endure all things. But... this concept of grounding means that my BODY is part of that house. It means, THROUGH FAITH & TRUST, I will not be afraid to BE in that house during a hurricane, because I KNOW that My Lord is the Master of EVERY storm... even this storm of sickness. He knows what I'm experiencing! "His Eye is on the sparrow"! He holds me in His Hands even now, and He does so with GENTLE, KNOWING LOVE. "If He lets me suffer, it is because He sees something Good in it, which today I do not yet know." But HE does. I must take ALL my comfort from that, and trust Him radically in doing so. Yes, to feel like this is very scary, BUT when I remind myself that He KNOWS this, but ALLOWS it, for the TRUE GOOD of my soul... then I have peace, the peace only Christ gives. And I can carry this Cross, and let it be my ground & center. No running. No hiding. No denial. Just faith, and truth, and gratitude, and TRUST, all through Love of Him, for Love of Him. Jesus, my suffering Savior, grant me the grace I need to surrender this entirely into Your Hands!!

Some quick dinner food notes:
+ WHITE/WILD RICE) I realized I WASN'T AFRAID AT ALL when I was already several bites in. I thanked Jesus immediately. I think the wild rice "made it safe." Good to know! The spices were lovely too. (Rosemary!) It had a slightly tacky texture but it was soft, & clumped SO NICELY. (I REALLY like wild rice's texture) Still, being starchy & in lots of small bits, it took time to chew thoroughly (~15m!!). Eyes open so no associations of memory found; it's a rare food anyway, so there might not be any. But it was thoroughly enjoyable. Thank You, God!!
★ NO memory association BUT a lingering subconscious anxiety over rice as a concept? (CNC!! WE FORGOT!!) Work on healing that, even within different preparations.
+ STUFFING) SO SOFT!! I regret starting to dissociate & rush for it, but I wasn't in my right mind, nor was I properly prepared FOR an enjoyable food, compared to the superdense turkey stuffing. I let negative expectations hinder me. That's a hard but important lesson to learn! Have HOPE! It was salty & soft & nice. BUT, God MEANT for me to "miss it" this time because it SHOULD be properly gratefully savored on its own, yet THIS time I HAD to eat it WITH the chicken, to meet time constraints, add moisture to the chicken so I could chew/ swallow it, AND practice typical food combos. Reminds us of mom's cooking! ♥ NO Thanksgiving; that has meat!
+ CHICKEN & GRAVY) WITH SKIN, hooray! I do enjoy that. We ate most of the gravy while dissociated so we unfortunately didn't get clear data, but we'll try again, in God's time. Meat is so dry & tacky! It's very difficult to chew without water. So keep that in mind & allow for enough time. Get clear data too-- it's still so blurry. Possibly childhood memory potential. Check. May vary w/ presentation.
+ ROLL & BUTTER) Favorite ♥ Pure, no ties. Bread & butter is a pure, simple, sweet food, & reminds us of grandma. We always treasure it. ♥ Explore the butter resonance soon though; I think it's losing the fear associations it had? See how much resonance it has with the milk = mother + baby association, and SIT with that. We need to learn; if there is healing to do, we want to do it! Butter is a pastoral staple, a shepherd and farmer food, a gift of motherhood and honest industry that the meek & sincere share. We want to share in it too.


post-snack//

Sunchips (salsa) & bengal spice tea (+2 creamers)
TROUBLES: licking bag & fingers & creamer lids. That's unladylike & undignified; work on ceasing this bad habit. Also we were asked a question WHILE eating and were INSTANTLY slammed with a panic attack, WHICH WE ADMITTED ALOUD. Involving our "self/ individuality" while eating MIMICS ABUSE?? BUT making "comments" notsomuch, because THAT is DISSOCIATIVE!
SUCCESSES: were forgiving of self/ humbled by "dirty" nature of chips: notably crumbs, awkward bite size, & eating with fingers. VERY humiliating, BUT using that to crush pride. Please, have the spirit of a thankful & meek child! THAT will heal this entirely, by the grace of God. "Unless you become like little children," remember! "From the fear of humiliation, deliver me, O sweet Jesus!"