i walk in the black light

[prismaticbleed]

I am in so much pain right now. I'm so sick and tired of this.
No pills, no therapy, no counseling helps. What am I supposed to do now? I've already dissociated myself completely from this body... and now I've begun to abuse it, badly. I can't keep living like this.
That's not the beginning, though. It's been a while... you deserve the full story.


When did I last update, truly? January 10th? Man.

First off, I've temporarily put college on hold. My gender dysphoria/ depression/ inability to comprehend anything correctly was taking such a severe toll on my grades that the university threatened my expulsion if I didn't shape up. Well, after seeing every therapist they offered me on campus (PLUS the Dean of the Psychology Department himself) and only getting "we don't know how to help you," my primary counselor suggested I admit myself into a 'mental hospital' for a while, for the sake of having someone around almost 24/7 to help me with my problems.
So I went through the horribly crushing process of 'leaving' temporarily, and started looking into local psychological services that I hadn't tried yet. Long story short, there were none that would accept me (at least of all the ones I checked). So there I was, out of school and away from help.
I spoke to my part-time boss about increasing my hours, so she put me on 5 days a week. I was working only 2-3 hours under a fulltime shift most weeks, but it at least kept me busy.. that is, until I got home and came face to face with all my serrated-edge problems. Day after day after day after day.
I lost all interest in most things, and my memory played along, often deleting entire days from my recollection. I'd wake up in the morning and start to cry, because I couldn't remember anything that had happened over the past freaking week. Then I'd drag myself out of bed, stretch the pain out of my spine and try to choke down breakfast without throwing up. I'd head off to the washroom, close the door and look at my reflection in the full length mirror, silently loathing the body I was stuck in, mentally fighting off both Julie and Laurie's vicious appeals. Sometimes I'd win, sometimes I'd lose... but either way, I'd soon be rushing back out the door, resignedly wondering how quickly the next 7 hours would go by.
I didn't even know why I wanted to get back home, when I only wished to be out of it once I got there. My only explanation is that I have something safe there... my sketchbooks, my music, my Sonic Adventure game disc. Little things, yes, but they're here. Whenever I leave the house I take my laptop, drawings and flash drive with me... that's all I need.
Do I even have a 'home?'
My work desk (read: the table in the hallway) is covered in fluffy things. It's a childhood defense mechanism... hug something cuddly and you're happy, even just for a second.
Sometimes I'll kiss my Chaos Zero plushie when I walk by. My brother thinks we're adorable.

My mother got a boyfriend last year; I don't think I've mentioned him at all yet.
I'm not against the guy, not at all. My problem is that my mother not only spends 95% of all her free time with him now, but whenever they're together and I'm around to hear/see them, they cycle rapidly between making out or bickering. What.
My mother will constantly force him to do things, acts very childish around him, and also acts incredibly irresponsible. Sometimes it bugs him so badly that they start fighting in the kitchen or something. It's happened before... and every time, my brothers and I find ourselves huddled in the living room, looking anxiously at each other and asking what in the world we should do. Just like when our actual parents used to fight.
So now she's not here to help any of us. She's unavailable as a listener, and when she does step in she tends to be extremely rash and volatile. I don't want to go into details. That's one aspect, and it's hit my bro extremely hard lately. I wasn't filled in on his situation though so I can't talk.
My grandmother's been in a deep depression since he started showing up. It hurts me terribly because I rarely see her smile anymore. Apparently this guy went through two women previously, and although I don't know the details, my grandmother just sees him in a very negative light as a result of that (and other things, maybe). So there's a huge 'war' of sorts going on within my own family, and I'm powerless.
I just try to be a peacekeeper, but it doesn't always work. I'll keep trying.

Meanwhile, I'm up until 2AM most nights with a headache and chills, unable to stop thinking long enough to resign myself to sleep. College loan payments are coming in the mail. I currently have no health insurance and the providers I applied to won't accept me. I'm ineligible for government aid. I need to possibly move into a different house. I apparently have big respiratory problems developing from this one. I need to pay copyright costs and get at least two large-scale works done for an art show. I need a passport. My first semesters of college wiped out my savings account. I need a car. I need freakin' surgery. I need to drive all the way to Chicago by myself in July, because if I don't, she won't make it through the rest of the year.
Nujabes passed away... Tox isn't dead yet, thank God... I didn't physically die before May 7th, but I think I may have died on the inside. That terrifies me. I want to cry sometimes.
Dori tried to commit suicide twice this year already. She wants nothing to do with me. I don't mind, in the sense that I can see why she's avoiding me... but it hurts that I want to help and can't.
I finally spoke to Jena. God only knows how much I love her; I hope she's more successful than she's ever dreamed. She deserves it.

I can't remember any of my dreams lately, and that frightens me. The few I remember are usually painfully surreal or awfully nightmarish. I never used to have this many bad dreams before. Boss, are you trying to show me something?
Got a super-butch haircut today, haha. Geez. I keep screwing with my appearance because nothing fits, nothing works, nothing is me but those pained expressions I see in the mirror sometimes. This is just a vessel. Just a vessel. Nothing more.
At least the little kids at work will start seeing me as a guy again. That always makes my day.


I've been having breakdowns and sicknesses much more often than usual lately. I'm afraid that my immune system is already shot from all this stress.
I worked at a factory for two days back in February. Packing insulation. I honestly didn't mind it too much; I got to move around a lot and the time went by quickly... but I was expected to learn everything within those first two days, and my co-workers were very demanding of me. Plus, when I got out of work and sneezed, I'd end up with a tissue full of frickin' insulation fuzz. I ended up quitting because God knows I have bad enough breathing issues already. Oh well. At least I got to wear a surgical mask all day on the job.

I spoke to Q and Mel over Skype this year, too. It was great, except for how it ended. Why does she have to suffer too?
I also found AAA and Angelbee on Facebook, haha. Friended 'em both. I miss them so much... I just which I knew which CL on there was my old friend.
Vickie's on there too. I can't visit her page without wanting to burst into tears.

I've made a beautifully incredible amount of progress on Dream World, too... just wish I had enough confidence to dive right into my artwork for it. It's just such an effort to pick up a pencil anymore.



I don't know what I'm talking about.




I'm in a lot of pain. I can't even feel anything, but I'm in so much pain. I can't explain it.
I hope I've said enough here... I don't know what else to say, ironically. There's just so much that it's blending into the background. I'm so used to it being here that I don't even realize it's there until...



1AM again.
Can't sleep.