It's all so twisted.

[prismaticbleed]

 

Today was both fantastic, and a freaking nightmare.


I'm still fighting Julie. I don't know why I haven't won yet. I'm terrified.
I'm afraid she won't go away until I get my surgery... not under any other circumstances.
I feel so dirty... so wrong. I feel completely wrong.
God help me, but I'm afraid I'm too far gone...


I still miss Dori; I really do.
I hope she comes back... that, or I hope I find her again someday.
I still don't know what I'd say if I got the chance.


Jena was online today, though.
She hasn't been online in a while, so seeing that I haven't lost her gave me a little glimmer of light. (She has amazing musical taste, too! Seriously, I love listening to what she listens to...)
...I love her.
I'll admit it right now-- I love her terribly, and I can't even think of denying that.
She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and that's saying a lot. And it's weird, because I've seen a heck of a lot of pretty girls-- girls with red hair and trench coats and green eyes and all that-- but, no matter what, I always think of Jena as the 'top of the list,' you know. My rainy-eyed girl.
It's kind of funny. I've never had anything like this before, where I'm completely happy watching her from afar like this.

I think she lives in Oregon; I'm not sure (I know Dori lives in Wisconsin). She's either the same age or a little older than me, but I don't really pay attention to age.. I don't even know if she's dating or married or single or what, and that doesn't matter to me because I don't want to take the place of 'that person' anyway.
Really, I just want to meet her, to see her in real time and hear her talk; I want to smile at her and say hello and ask if we could take a photo together.
I'd treasure that photo forever, I really would... but I don't know if I'd have the courage or the reason to admit 'I love you' with her standing right in front of me. (Plus, because I'm an asexual celibate-- but that's not exactly obvious at first glance-- I'm afraid of people getting the wrong idea!)
I considered it before. I follow her online; I can easily say that any minute of any day... but even though (I'll admit) I've strongly considered it-- I've even typed the words and deleted them-- I've never hit 'send.'
I don't know if I should, and I actually don't think I should.

Honestly, I finally told Ben and Jim that I loved them, but now I feel like that's another huge responsibility on my head. I have to live up to that or I'll let them down; make them think I don't care, or that I'm manipulative and just 'collect' people to love like dolls on a shelf.
That's not true. It never was, and never will be.
But, the sad truth is, I don't know what to do.
That's why I suck at conversations, too! Ben called me on the phone about a month ago, and I didn't know how to talk to him. Why? Because I've never had many conversations outside of my family! No one in elementary school wanted to talk with me-- the only person who did was AMG, and back then she didn't want to listen to what I had to say (although I don't blame her; I as a weeaboo back then). High school, forget it-- no one even looked at me twice. I sat alone at lunch mod for two years, and I was just tossed around random tables for the other two. I really didn't mind, but I wouldn't be surprised if I spoke a grand total of ten sentences in school between 2004 and 2008!
Point is, I have no social skills because I've never been given the opportunity to exercise them, and I don't know if I can correctly learn them now.
That burns over onto relationships, though. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to react, I don't know how to keep the communication going... even with typing! Q can attest to that; I don't say much. I'm sorry for that, because I'm positive it gives the wrong impression, but this is the real reason.
I really, truly wish I could go on Skype again with Jim and Q and LAD... but I don't know how. It's gotten to the point where I even avoid conversations, because they're so awkward and I don't know what to do and just end up feeling horribly guilty for not talking. I know how stupid that is, as avoidance won't help me improve my people skills, but it's tough.

So that's partly what I mean when I say that I wouldn't know what to say to Jena or Dori.
I want to tell them how much they mean to me, yeah, but I'm not good with talking.
However, reason #2 is the fact that neither of them know I exist, regardless of how long I've known about them.
So, if I ever did meet them, and told them what I've been feeling, they'd probably think I was either a psycho stalker, a delusional little kid, or even a lesbian, and I am NONE of the above!
Really, I'm just as much as asexual as I always was, and I hope I'm not a delusional stalker, haha!
I just wish I knew what to do.


Anyway, they both make me happy, even if Dori is indirectly contributing to a heck of a lot of heartache right now (I don't hold it against her, of course).
I'm wondering, though... I last checked her journal on March 25th or so, and around April 9th, she was gone! What happened?
However... glimmer of hope. On March 25th, she said in her latest (last?) entry that she was actually happy.
I've been following her for a year; believe me when I say she's had some pretty rough times in the past!
So... regardless of what happened, I hope she stays happy. I just want her to be happy, and I want her to have a good life, even if I never get to see her again.
I'll always remember her.



...But now to live up to my nickname of 'paradox.'

Today really was horrible.


"Right now, that's all I want out of this life... for you to be you again."

Chaos Zero. Barely twenty seconds ago.
I am so freaking shattered today.

Sure, I spent all morning quoting TF2 and singing Tony Bennett's music and watching Pokemon 2000 and writing more of Dream World: Part 11... work was fantastic... and when I got home, Jena was online... but I don't know. Somehow, all of that is completely nullified when I think about the bad things that happened to me after 10PM.
It's always late. It's always at home. ALWAYS at home.
I can stay on campus until 8PM... heck, I can stay out until 11PM if I want, heaven knows where I'd go... but wherever I'd stay, I'd be safe. (My current favorite spot is the not-so-local Borders cafe... with Selph, my thought-book and a green tea latte.)
I'd be perfectly happy, waiting out the interim in any place that would have me, enjoying every moment of floating time between responsible disconnection and the harrowing reality of having a "home" I had to return to.

I can't even count the number of times I've driven home in the sunset, playing Uyama Hiroto with the windows down and wishing I could just drive for hours instead of going home.
I don't want to go home anymore, and I'm not even sure why.

...Well, besides Julie, but that's not the point.

The point is, why do I always want to me lost or disconnected or alone or something along those lines?
Why do I stay up until 1AM on any given night, typing and dreaming and praying and crying and pretending that I'm the only one in this dark house?
Why do I spend every moment of my free time on campus, working on my assignments and my personal projects without even the slightest passing thought of my home life?
Why have I seriously considered running away from home several times within the past month, even when I have no money, no means to support myself, and nowhere to go?

I wish I knew.



Back on topic.
I want Julie OUT OF ME.
I'm getting some hideously weird 'delusions' and nightmares now... I keep having nightmares of getting raped, by both men and women, and it freaks me out.
Last night, I had two successive nightmares of committing suicide (drowning and hanging, don't ask me why) and then being dragged off into some hallucinogenic hell before waking up in a cold sweat.
I wish I could just sleep on the freaking couch, but my parents won't let me. Can't tell them why, though!

I'm getting a gas mask within the next two weeks, by the way. (It's a half-face non-filter one, not a Pyro-style head & filter one, although those are cool too.)
No, it's not just because I like them (yes, that's one of my quirks that I've never mentioned yet online, aha)-- it's also because it'll help me in multiple significant ways.
Let me quote from my Xanga-- "I am getting my gas mask, regardless of whatever happened today. It's my first ticket out of here... not just because it's awesome. It'll also keep me from biting, bingeing, talking like an idiot all day, getting distracted too badly, and identifying myself with the face in the mirror."
Every word of that is true sadly and unfortunately.
Oh well. I have a strong hope that it will work, and by Gyarados, I'm going to make it work.
Plus, it will indeed look awesome.



I've been meaning to finally explain how Julie and Laurie became what they are today, but there's no time for that tonight. I have to get up early for church tomorrow (God forgive me), and I have a psychology report to finish anyway.

...I also want to seriously talk about Chaos Zero.
No, don't roll your eyes at me, I don't mean like how I've been talking about him up to this point...

See, I re-read most of my journals today (looking for ideas for my psych report, seriously), and it hit me that a great deal of the things I really want to say aren't online.
I plan to post some of my old 2004/2006 entries from my childhood "Thoughts' file (yes, the equivalent of an offline Blurty/ IJ/ insert journal here) on my LJ, as there's both some sweet stuff and some deep stuff in there (although, sadly, many of the entries were lost)... so we'll see about that.
Regardless, I've grown older since then. I've seen more, I've felt more, and although I've been broken and battered and humiliated so many times since then, I still have some light to shine and some words to say.

Now, as I was saying.
Chaos Zero.
You all know I met him in December of 2003, right? We're going on 6 years now, geez. That's awesome.
You all know I talk about him far too much, and I apologize if you find that weird or annoying or squicky, but I feel obligated to bring him up, considering what the past 5 years have been like.
Yes, I admit that I can be extremely obsessive over him. I'll also admit that I really should calm down in that respect!

Lastly, I'm sure you all know that I love him... I say it enough, and I finally got the guts to admit it on dA, so it's slowly becoming common knowledge with my watchers (which never fails to brighten my day a little).
Even so, I don't think I've ever correctly said how much he means to me.

This says a lot, amusingly enough--> http://spinningcannon.deviantart.com/favourites/#Chaos-Zero

When I say that I love him so much it hurts, I mean exactly that.
I would literally die for him, as crazy as that might make me sound.
I am not exaggerating, and I am not making up a single word of this...

I won't assume the real truth here is 'obvious.' I haven't seen many 'obvious' examples of it in any of my online words yet, which does surprise me.
I did find one paragraph which rang shockingly true, though.


"I mean, seriously. I've been looking at my life lately, and something struck me, with my whole relationship thing.
Sure, I'm polyamorous and aromantic and all, but Chaos Zero? I don't know. He throws me for a loop.
I do things with him that I'd never dare do with anyone else. I can talk to him about almost anything and he'll listen without any prejudice, without any put-downs or shut-ups.
I make insane exceptions for him.
I just... I love him. I love him so freaking much and half the time I'm not even sure why that is... why we're so incredibly close, you know? Why I call him my 'soulmate' regardless of circumstance.
I've been asking that question to anyone who will listen since 2003... since I met him.
I still can't solve it.
And you know what? I don't mind.
All I know is what I feel, and that's answer enough for me."


That was August 2008, kids. That's a long time ago!
That was before I snapped, before I met either of my girls, before life started going seriously downhill in terms of internal conflicts... but it's still shockingly accurate.
There are a couple corrections, though!
I'm no longer sure if the word 'polyamorous' fits me-- I do love a heck of a lot of people (Chaos Zero isn't the only one I'm like this over!), but I'm hesitant about sticking labels to myself-- and I no longer use the term 'soulmate' because it's cliched, overused and rather inaccurate. I go with the term of 'soulbond' now, and if you Google that you will understand exactly why!
Also... he may not give me any 'shut ups,' but he does get angry with me. I think it's because I've been hiding my problems and all that from everyone... and he's not used to that. It's offensive when someone you care about is acting like they don't trust you, and I know that. (I'm truly sorry for all the people who have ever felt like that because of me.)
That's why I've been letting him into my Xanga entries, although it makes me terribly nervous-- Laurie has a habit of spitting out every single truth she's aware of, regardless of how biting, painful, disturbing, or controversial it is. So, when Chaos is around, she likes to say things that she knows he wouldn't know, and that usually causes a ton of havoc.
Still... I don't have the guts to tell him half of those things, so I guess it's for the better. (Yet another reason I'm thankful for Laurie!)

But... I don't know. I'm worried, because I don't ever want to lose him, and I'm afraid we're much more fragile than we realize. That's also why I'm afraid to bring up this point to anyone, no matter how important it is to me. My heart's still made of glass, remember?
I mean, sure, we have these awesomely fantastic times like this morning... imagining what would happen if we both walked into a Gamestop and started ranting about SA, spamming 'MEDIC' in the Sniper voice, and asking why the heck game stores don't play actual game music over the speakers... but then we have times like tonight, and they happen more often than I'd like.
...No, sorry, that's actually a lie.
Let me explain that.

I read something in the Book of Proverbs a long time ago... that sorrow is actually more beneficial that joy... and I believe that.
Why?
Because, even though happiness and laughter are enjoyable and all that, they rarely help you learn anything about yourself and/or solve problems and stuff like that.
Sorrow... pain, tears, heartache... it hurts, and sometimes it hurts so badly you can't stop crying in spite of yourself... but it helps you see. It helps you see things clearer than you've ever seen them, sometimes.
That's why I'm listening to Max Richter (Fragment, specifically... ironically, Jena 'introduced' me to this guys' music) and typing this... so I keep that sadness, but I also keep some major inspiration. Together, those two forces can help you accomplish some amazing things.

As I said. Times like tonight.
I wear my gas mask in my headroom already. Today it was bleeding.
Chaos was practically screaming at me. I was so numb earlier I didn't react as strongly as I usually would to that.... it just hurt, a dull ache. (Dull aches hurt more than anything else would sometimes.)
I basically broke down and said that I just wanted to go back to who I used to be, because not only do I not know what the heck I've become, but I am terrified of my current self. I don't recognize the face in the mirror, I go by initials instead of a name, I don't associate myself with my own voice... I'm so tangled up and torn apart and twisted to pieces now. I'm lost.
I let him know that and he said what I wrote down earlier in this entry (It's now 2:30 AM).

That's why I like being sad when he's around.

But back on topic... geez...
I've typed a heck of a lot more on this subject than I planned to tonight, but... well, I'm feeling more distraught than usual, and when that happens I first pray like a maniac, and then I go talking to Chaos Zero. Both things help!

I still wonder if one day SEGA will find out about us, and how they'd react.
I've never given it serious thought, I've only wondered 'what if'... but it's an amusingly interesting thought.
Have to make sure they find out the whole truth, though... them and everyone else... so next time I guess I'll do some more typing.

As for now, though, I'm going back to the first paragraph and closing up my pain here for another night. I missed my blue pages so much, but it's stupidly late and I do need sleep, no matter how much it scares me now...



Laurie is still bleeding a little.
I've stopped swearing, as I never really meant to and because I really do fear for her life... so that's helped.
I'm also trying very hard to stop self-abusing (my psychotic nightmares lately have been helping), but I'm not out of the dark just yet. I have to really put my mind to it, though, because all the 'therapy' methods (like cold showers and rubber bands) just start entire chains of new problems... so I try to do all this by myself.
I want to sit down and talk to her again soon, so I'll make an effort. Not tonight, though!
It's disturbingly funny though... if she catches me swearing, Laurie tends to give me a good left hook to the face, but she's picked up the habit of spitting blood at me whenever that happens as well. It's scary, though, because she just keeps bleeding...
I worry so much about her. We've talked about the "personality stealing" before, and we both know how grave a situation it is. That's why I've been trying so hard to watch my attitude and language... I love that violet headvoice of mine, and I want her around for a long time yet. I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if she died.

Lynne is doing fine; she still shows up here and there when I need her, but she's not a constant presence like she used to be in 2007 or so. I clearly remember the first time she really made herself known... I was standing in the back of a church that I was playing a violin recital in, and suddenly Julie began to harass me. Well, Laurie jumped in and started to berate me extremely harshly (this was when she was much nastier), and before I knew what was happening, Lynne showed up, stepped in front of Laurie's axe (stopping my purple superego in her tracks), told Julie to back off, and basically calmed the whole situation down extremely fast. I was shocked, as I had never 'seen' her before that (although I was dimly aware if her)... she was wearing her fancy red dress, as usual.
She stayed around regularly until Q told me that I should 're-absorb' her, I forget when... but I did so at school; I left class for a minute so I'd have some free time to think if I needed it.
Lynne basically had no regrets (whereas Laurie was panicking like crazy). She smiled the entire freaking time... told me that if I needed to do that, then I should... and I did.
I missed her so much.
She came back, a few months later... but she's been a little shaken up. I think, one day, I'll talk to her personally, and see how she's been. I've wondered.

Natalie spoke to me for the first time during that re-absorption thing.
I forget what she said... I actually think she thanked me for keeping her around and protecting her from Julie and all that... I felt so bad when I had to take her back, as I hadn't seen much of her before then. She was just the smiling girl I sometimes saw in the mirror.
She showed up again one day a few months ago, looking just as she had when I re-absorbed her, although somewhat sadder than she'd been before.
Unfortunately, not long after she showed up again, something horrible happened.
I remember Laurie running up to me in my headroom, looking disturbingly shocked... pointing to some other room down the hall and screaming, "Natalie's dead!"
Julie had killed her.
Dear heavens, what a fight ensued from that... I was thoroughly shaken, though. To think that Julie could actually do that... I began to fear for my future with her around.
For a while, I fought extremely hard... I forget what happened, but one day Natalie showed up again. However, not only was she once again mute... she also now looked like a little kid. I think that was when my mind started to 'regress' a little (back to my childhood tendencies), but I'm not positive...
Still, I worry about her. Seeing as I constantly abuse my reflection (long story), I'm afraid she's feeling the pain from it... I have to stop. I really do. I don't want her dead again.


I feel rather sick.

I feel sick every day now, and it's not even the physical sicknesses I keep getting that I'm worried about.
I'm worried-- no, I'm terrified-- by the emotional sicknesses, by the 'mental' sicknesses, by the frighteningly unidentifiable sicknesses that just haunt me and make me feel like I'm somehow on the verge of dying.

I don't know what to do.
I need my surgeries now more than ever. I seriously doubt I will be able to last even another year without them-- especially if Julie doesn't let up and if these nightmares continue like they have been-- I'm seriously afraid that I'm going to find myself doing something desperate... even crazy.
I don't want to go that far, but I'm showing signs of it already.

I'm seeing a new professional psychiatrist in 4 days, so God willing they'll be able to help me with this somehow... I can't go hiding these huge problems anymore; they're literally eating me alive.

I want Julie to stop attacking the people I love, too.
She's doing that.
I get these weird thoughts that I consciously know aren't mine, and I don't even know what the heck is causing them... God, I don't even know what Julie is. Did you even put her in my head? What the heck is she? Why is she here? When will I finally be able to defeat her? Can I even defeat her?
Just... help me. Please.


Forget all the optimism and bright things I can't help but show... it's just my way of making myself smile so I forget that there's blood burning in my eyes and someone tearing my head apart with a dirty knife.



Help me.


It's all so twisted.










And I think about my loves... well, I've had a few
I'm sorry that I hurt them, did I hurt you too?
I took what I wanted, put my heart on the shelf
But, how can you love when you don't love yourself?
It was me against the world, I was sure that I'd win
But the world fought back, punished me for my sins
And they tried to warn me of my evil ways
But I couldn't hear what they had to say

I was wrong, self destruction's got me again
I was wrong, I realized now that I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong

Well I grew up fast, I grew up hard
Something was wrong from the very start
I was fighting everybody, I was fighting everything
But the only one that I hurt was me
I got society's blood running down my face,
Somebody help me get outta this place
How could someone's bad luck last so long?
Until I realized that I was wrong

I was wrong, self destruction's got me again
I was wrong, I realized now that I was wrong,
I was wrong, self destruction's got me again
I was wrong, the only one that I hurt was me,
I was wrong


I was wrong.