prismaticbleed | june 18 2016 (Reply)

busy people thinking death = silence

people rushing through life, filling it with noise and action and too much stimulation, not thinking about death because to them death is just "the end." things just stop. they figure "there will be enough silence and stillness when I am dead" and I guess they fear that so they avoid anything and everything even LIKE death while they are alive??

I am falling into that trap lately.
which is ironic as I HATE IT and really just want the things that are like death.
again this can trap me. for me, "death" in such a negative sense IS this noisy mess.
real death is the "end of this game." real death is just "leaving" and going home.

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@ 08:04 PM

FAITHSTUFF

My faith really suffered until I realized that Jesus isn't just "some holy guy"-- he's God incarnate. He is fully human, yes, but he's also fully divine, and not in the 'modernist' interpretation of the phrase

(dedication to Mary, childhood fears and confusions, etc. talk about great developments in understanding of faith lately.)

★ faith "depressing" because its become too much ritual obligation and NO LOVE?
We're so freaked out over "following the rules" that we're obsessed with the possibility of breaking them and therefore ALL our attention is on WRONGDOING. This is not good.
When someone tells you over and over, "do not steal," then even if you don't steal, that command is going to worm into your head and you'll start to panic in every occasion that stealing is even possible. You will see only opportunity for sin, and with that dread hanging over you, you will feel almost expected to sin. "Do not steal," they said, and so your head is filled with fear and knowledge of theft, even if you were never inclined to do so before. Do you see what I mean?
On the contrary, before we started this religious bent, we didn't think about that stuff at all because we were too busy thinking about love, and how best to take care of ourself and others. We didn't steal because we wanted to be just, we wanted to be fair, and we were concerned about doing GOOD.
This is a bit tricky to iterate but the point is, our current situation of Law-focused paranoia is actually making us a bad person. And we're miserable. We're out of touch with life. We've forgotten how to be a person, we've forgotten how to interact with people, we feel cut off from nature and creation, we spend all our time ritually praying and never feeling any closer to God for it, begging for forgiveness and yet feeling eternally damned to hell, suffocating in our own filthy and loathsome self-perception.

Deep in my heart of hearts even I am good because I believe that anything created by God is inherently good, deep down just the same.

(unfinished)

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@ 10:49 PM

JUNE 14, TO WRITE

⋆⋆⋆EDIT NOTE FROM 0630: AS OF THE HOSPITAL VISIT, THIS MEMORY HAS RESET AND THE HOSPITAL IS NOW THE NEW REFERENCE OF COMFORT, NOT SLC.⋆⋆⋆

✦ write about SLC, especially 2010
✦ write about how missing that profoundly ties into both the constant weeping and the eating disorder, esp. the wanting to vomit until I'm hollow
✦ WHEN DID THAT ALL START??? we had this disorder back in 2010, remember, but not this bad. check logs, did it get this bad in 2013?
✦ "when the hacks stopped I didn't know how to live without abuse" topic
✦ write, in chronological order, EVERY SINGLE MEMORY we actually have of BOTH visits
✦ check diet logs to see if "reliving" those would assist with recall
✦ set up red & blue lights in room
✦ send y scans of ner headvoices that we did, try to do one or two more?
✦ y's notable books: "the magician's nephew" and that one fantasy series???

✦ write about the awful, awful, aching need for a mother

✦ jmc just put up a new thing on their website and I ADORE IT so much. oh man. I am so proud of this kid
✦ dp is currently obsessed with woodkid which is great. also some other bands I've never heard of, gotta look into them