june 28 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

hey, quick update, no one died today, but we're sick and in pain and not too happy with the decisions made today

but we need to forgive. we need to heal.
tomorrow we are going to make a BIG effort towards that as far as art goes, wish us luck
we do need to sleep first. the body desperately needs to heal.

also it rained today. a lot.
so despite our feeling like an utter filthy wreck that still felt absolving. which helped.
(also it is cold today not hot which is also a massive relief)

there has been a lot of heartwrenching beauty in our collective life lately that i havent written about here yet
i should but words dont do it much justice
and there is still so much confusion and pain-wracked fear tied to it
from these poor damaged ones.
we really need to just take a few days, a few weeks, just sit and talk to them,
why havent we done that yet,
i think maybe we're just as scared as they are of facing that stuff, on some level.
but we need to.


i wanted to delete the previous entry but someone wrote that for a reason, it absolutely breaks my heart to see it, but there it is

healing is still happening, bit by bit
biggest good thing about all this: we aren't numb or unplugged
so even if we're walking through hell again, we're at least doing so together

so that's enough to get us through another night.

 

 

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@ 02:07 pm

 

(BRUTAL entry, explicitly triggering, totally uncensored.)

 

here's the thing,
HERE'S THE FCKING THING.

I am going to be brutally bloody honest even if I hate myself for it


I have experienced sexual things
I DO NOT LIKE IT.

and if you have not noticed
EVERY SINGLE TIME IT HAPPENS
I dissociate.
I blank out absolutely.
I have NO MEMORY OF ANY INSTANCE, AT ALL.


there have been orgasms but they are literally shit
no matter what they are absolutely stupid and dull
they hurt unbearably and make the body unbearably sick
and I am saying that as someone who has TRIED.
I HAVE REALLY FCKING TRIED to be "normal" and "holy" with this shit
IT HASN'T WORKED.
AND I AM TERRIFIED THAT MEANS THAT I AM BROKEN ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL
AND THAT IF I AM NOT "FIXED" THEN I AM NOT TRULY COMPLETE OR CORRECT
it is horrible horrible horrible god I want to vomit just thinking about it

AND THAT'S WHERE THE FCKNIG CONFUSION COMES IN!!!!!!!!!!
because I KNOW what i want, I LOVE people, I want to EXPRESS that,
is that selfish? is that abusive?
but this goddamned society and religion tells me "NOPE YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX IT'S MANDATORY IT'S GOD'S WILL!!!!!!!!!!!"
and so I get fcking terrified and attempt it.
honestly. I have attempted it. I have tried to be fixed.
but. every single fcking time. every. single. time.
it fails. IT FAILS. no matter how people try to justify it afterwards. IT DOESN'T WORK.

case in point.
I adore laurie. okay? for years people have been trying to 'have sex' with her. she always, always, always says no. "I can't feel that, I can't do that," etc. she DOESN’T WANT TO.
and that is accepted. that's FINE.
but then we realize "HEY, WE DON'T ACTUALLY WANT SEX EITHER,"
and then it's either dissolving into panicked scared sobs because god how did we almost fck up,
or,
dissociating into programming and thinking we HAVE to have sex because her refusal just lit up an ALTERNATIVE that we REALLY want, which is "love WITHOUT sex,"
but
BUT
we don’t believe that option is morally correct
WHICH IS BULLSHIT
but there it is.

no matter what, this stupid religious compulsion tells me that at some point I HAVE to "have sex"
WHY????
WHAT ABOUT THE CELIBATES
WHAT ABOUT RELIGIOUSLY DEVOTED PEOPLE WHO NEVER HAVE SEX
WHY THE FCK ARE THEY OKAY AND I'M NOT?????????????
WILL YOU SUDDENLY EXEMPT ME IF I START WEARING A ROMAN COLLAR OR WHAT

I don’t fcking know, I don’t KNOW
I am so fcking DEPRESSED over this shit

I DON’T WANT THIS. WE HAVE PROVEN THIS MULTIPLE TIMES, IN MULTIPLE CONTEXTS
I don't want it physically,
I don’t want it emotionally,
I don't want it logically,
I DON'T FCKING WANT IT SO WHY THE HELL AM I STILL TERRIFIED THAT I HAVE TO HAVE IT AND HAVE TO WANT IT EVEN WHEN I KNOW FULL WELL THAT I NEVER DID AND NEVER WILL



we really need to stop forcing ourselves into these roles out of fear or programming.
it's awful and it is perpetuating self-hate and self-abuse and depression and despair.

xenophon needs to be reset. I don’t think she was ever really reset.
she's too tied to trauma and the whole "parent" thing which only happened BECAUSE OF FORCING
we all admit we were confused as hell at that time
but xenophon needs to be freed from that, she doesn’t deserve this hell,
and quite frankly neither do any of the hosts who keep forcing themselves into trauma "for her sake"
that's not how this shit works
that's not what this is about


laurie has sworn that she will defend our asexuality to the death from now on
no exceptions, no being swayed by doubt, no religious paranoia
no. she MUST forbid EVERY ATTEMPT no matter how "holy" we insist it "has to be"
but you see??? it's COMPULSION.
it's FEAR-BASED COMPULSION.



I could only love someone who is a knife. that’s why I adore laurie. she is UNTOUCHABLE.
its why I have problems around chaos. I will admit that. I have A LOT OF TROUBLE being around him lately, like very very very badly, he's too feminine, too emotional.
infi gets there sometimes but then infi also has tons of teeth and sharp-shadow edges. ze's a daemon, ze can be soft as ever but there is always this danger, this knife edge, that makes me feel safe.
genesis is superbright and that counts as an edge sometimes, but it can go too far in the oppposite direction. but he was abused too, he dissociates and gets confused, we have to be careful.
I miss when chaos wasn't split, when perfect was still part of his psyche, back in the early outspacer days.
but I also DON’T miss that because perfect was psychologically blind and didn’t realize how harmful the stuff he did was.
I guess what I'm saying is that water doesn’t have edges and I wish to god that it did without turning to ice.
crystals. god he HAS that gem right in his heart, shouldn’t that be an edge enough?

I am so fckign sick of softness=violence
julie this is your territory
but you're the most damaged of all of us as far as this goes


you know what, you know what,
this fcking programming tells me "IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY,"
well how about this.
how about I test it out INSIDE and NOT DISSOCIATE?
then I will PROVE TO YOU that your way is BULLSHIT and it DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.

see, the SLIGHTEST attempt is met with REFUSAL, IMMEDIATELY

your shit is SHIT and it only works if you SHUT OFF OUR FCKING BRAIN
you fcking demons
leave us alone

sorry there are obviously multiple people writing this. all true thuogh.


OH! ABOUT THAT.
ALL YOU FCKING ABUSERS. ALL YOU HACKERS. ALL YOU SEXUAL-PROGRAMMING PEOPLE.
WHY DON’T YOU COME OUT AND TYPE HERE, HUH???????
DEFEND YOUR FCKING POSITION????

OH THAT’S RIGHT, YOU CAN'T
BECAUSE YOURE MADE OF PROGRAMMING AND OBLIGATORY BEHAVIOR
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT BLIND ROBOTIC IMITATION AND COMPULSION
YOU DON'T FCKING EXIST

that's where jay lives, right at the heart of this issue, right where we realize what we DO want and need
the topic we have discussed a thousand times.
love, real love, the kind that's utterly untouched by this sexual shit, he KNOWS what it is, and we have it,
we're just so damn scared that it's "inherently sexual" because it's intimate,
which is the biggest fear.
it's this horrible creeping paranoia that at some point, sex is GOING to happen BECAUSE we're close.
I am so fcking sick of that
I am so sick
that’s why I need edges, that’s why I need blood,
hackers CANNOT WORK when blood is around, blood is SACRED,
here's a message to all fronting people:
if there is a hacker around, if a hacker is trying to hurt you,
don’t even call for laurie, she gets distraught and they will try to hurt her,
call for a RETRIBUTOR.
even better, find a way to cause pain to the body in a way that is SHARP and SAFE
if there is blood, the hackers WILL LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!
and you will be safe
this is why relationships upstairs NEED PAIN
this is why heart connections are SO PAINFUL
because it is SAFE. and it is REAL. and it is GENUINE.
god we KNOW what we want and need and HAVE, why the hell do these outside people keep insisting otherwise



this shit is TERRIFYING.
HOW THE FCK COULD YOU EVER LIE TO YOURSELF ABOUT "WANTING THIS"
WHEN THE SLIGHTEST REMINDER SENDS YOU INTO A PANICKED BREAKDOWN?????
”I can't cry," you say, well then what the fck are you doing now????
YOU ARE IN TEARS FROM HOW FCKING FRIGHTENED YOU ARE RIGHT NOW KID
WHOEVER THE HELL TELLS YOU YOU "WANT THIS" IS A FCKING IMBECILE

stop looking at it. STOP LOOKING AT IT.
TO HELL WITH "EDUCATING YOURSELF" THIS IS ALL FEAR-BASED

you are just desperately trying to find support for YOU being okay.
you are looking through these articles and pages trying to find a chink in the armor, a break in the chain,
trying to find something that will make their entire argument collapse in on itself,
to justify YOUR existence and mean that YOU are not flawed or unholy in being what you are,
but you are so damn scared of being wrong in that,
you are so damn scared of being an 'evil heart' or a 'blasphemer' in so much as suggesting that it's okay to be asexual, to be what you are,
that you are not accepting any arguments in your favor, out of moral paranoia.
and yet you cannot accept any arguments to the contrary either, because you KNOW the fear and pain and disgust and shame and terror that accompanies them, whenever you try to force yourself into them, without fail.
you are running in circles, and your feet are bloodied on the rocks.
get out of their loop, it is only going to kill you.



I am very afraid that introjects in our System are still a real thing.
I don't even like saying they're part of the "System," because they're NOT. we need a better term.
but they exist. and they're awful and toxic.
BUT, it at least allows us to do internal healing work where it would be impossible to outside.
and it helps exaggerate just what terrifies us about those people, so we can evaluate that.
its just so so so sad to see an internal abusive reflection inside, of someone outside, who we experienced as abusive or otherwise traumatically triggering/ aggravating, but who may not have consciously realized that, or who may have been unable to accept that.

but we have introjects of the mother, the grandmother, and the two people from utah.
that is confirmed and I kept wondering why we kept getting sick, nauseous, why we kept getting confused with memories, why we had no idea what was real or not, we didn’t know these people, etc.,
its because the problematic behavior was being perpetuated inside, and we were too scared to face it.
well now we know. and we have to face it.
its terrifying still, but we have to face it
and I KNOW it can be healed. I KNOW that one day, the introjects WILL BE GONE.
but patience is key. we need to be patient. we need to forgive ourselves. this is fragile work. but we can do it.


would you believe we never really recovered from the static incident?
you know. we found something online. from people we knew. and we were in sick shock for WEEKS.
years actually, we're still reeling, still having trouble coping,
why?
"its their decision not yours"
yeah but they HID THAT and did SO MUCH behind our backs,
they never told us they KNEW we were unsafe with that,
but of course that’s WHY they never told you, they KNEW you would not be able to be around them once you knew.
and that’s so sad but that’s how it is.
god but I don’t want to hate people. I don’t want to hate anyone.
the hate just comes from fear. fear of violation, of forced infliction. fear of "THEY did that so now YOU have to!!!"
boundary problems. moral paranoia.
god I want to throw up and sob



I am so fcking sorry.
this is all so goddamn confusing

what am I even trying to say.


I just came across a quote.

"I dealt with a significant amount of abuse in my childhood as well and being aware has absolutely been the biggest part of getting past that for me. Being able to read studies in psychology that are relevant to my childhood, it takes a bit to be able to apply any of it to your life. It can be even harder to explore the possibility that many of your character traits come from your experiences with abuse, and difficult sorting out which parts of you are truly YOU and which parts are chemical/emotional responses your body makes FOR you."

that's really important. hormones are shit.
but they can be manipulated, they can be controlled. we just have to do more on our side of the fight.
but it's sad because when they're fcked up, your reactions get fcked up.

"Within minutes of exposure to a traumatic event there is an increase in the level of endorphins in the brain. During the time of the trauma, endorphin levels remain elevated and help numb the emotional and physical pain of the trauma. However, after the trauma is over, endorphin levels gradually decrease and this may lead to a period of endorphin withdrawal that can last from hours to days…"

see what I mean

god I am so nauseous I shouldn’t be typing about this or reading about this
why the hell do I keep reading about this

I'm ashamed. I'm fcking ashamed of the fact that I've endured so much shit, a lot of it by my own confused misinformed doing, because I am absolutely fcking paranoid of "not being good" and yet EVERY DAMN THING they tell me to do to "be good" feels self-destructive
the two main things are,
"don’t eat," and "have sex"
which is fcking horrible
I don’t eat a lot the way it is, now these damn voices are telling me FAST SOME MORE
and I end up purging and sick and dizzy and weak,
then the same fcking voices tell me "sex is the road to true enlightenment!!!!! you need sexual healing!!!!" etc etc etc and I want to STRANGLE SOMEONE because DAMN IT THAT ISN'T WHAT I FCKING NEED

but damn it I know what I need.
beneath all that surface-level shit I KNOW what I really need
and the bottom line is that I need to STOP LISTENING TO THIS OUTSIDE SHIT
BECAUSE I ALREADY FIGURED IT OUT
AND THEIR BABBLING IS JUST CONFUSING THE HELL OUT OF ME.


"know thyself" they say, and he said, and I know that's the main thing,
so I really have to stop thinking others know better than I do, as far as internal honesty is concerned.
there's so much out there trying to screw me up. I really need to be careful.

these entries too, are too tangled. I apologize. but they do help find truer things. they are signposts too.
and the frustration over misleading teachings is legitimate and I am thankful for that.
but pride, and this sort of too-white feeling, is just as lethal.
stop typing.

 
 

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@11:02 PM




I'm sorry guys. This is Cannon. There's been another massive existential System shakeup and frankly I'm probably not going to update here for a long while, or at least until this is settled.

There's too much problematic stuff still entrenched in our function, that really needs to go. Problem is, a lot of it we've accepted as "normal" or we've even grown to love. It has to go. No exceptions. No mercy either. Which is probably why I'm back up front.

Laurie says I can't commit suicide, if for no other reason than for her sake. I said then what the heck do I do with this daily life. We don't know. We've gotta try though. I suppose it's all we can do. No giving up, no surrender.

I've been crying for the past hour, somewhere between choking and screaming. My legs are bleeding. I want to sleep forever.

Again, I'm sorry. I know this feels cruel but really we NEED to purge the ranks and fix what's been corrupted, in one way or another. That's why we keep having these System resets, apparently. People are sensing that something is rotten in Denmark so they're just razing the whole place, but then they're rebuilding it the same way. That's not going to work anymore.

I don't know what the hell to do. Not for the most part. This existential mess I'm talking about... well, it's religious. And it's sexual. And it's rather seriously freaking traumatic, at the moment. That should say enough.
I don't know how to cope, personally. Maybe we ALL need to die in order to "cope" with this, I don't even know anymore. I really have no idea what to do. But I just hope it's too soon. I'm going to give it a few days, at least. Hope to God, or whatever God really is, that this somehow ends in a way that won't annihilate us and turn us into our worst fear-- a fear which were now being told is inevitable, and desirable. So it sucks, it really does.

I'm tired. I'm very tired, and now I'm so damn shook up that I don't even want to die because now I don't know what the hell is waiting for me after that. I'm afraid it's hell forever now. And the worst part is that it can easily NOT be hell, if I just "stop resisting" and "learn to like it."
Basically, there's no place for asexuals in heaven.

I really hope that's not true. I really hope it's not true. But right now I actually want to just sob because life feels utterly devoid of hope right now, I've lost all direction in life, what the hell do I do, where the hell do I go, I have no idea.

Maybe I'll end up dead, who knows. Right now the System says I need to be the main person because I'm "protecting" us from this existential dread. I'm a fighter who won't give in to that. But... the fear is that we have to. The fear is that we cannot be what we desperately want to be, because it really is morally wrong, so to speak.
God I don't even know. I'm sorry.

Bottom line is, we're trying to restructure headspace from the bottom up. We have a lot of questions that need to be answered, and a lot of anger over things that have been allowed to continue over the years and should NOT have been allowed to continue.
Things will not, or at least SHOULD NEVER be the way they were before this entry. A lot NEEDS to change.
A few people aren't going to be coming back, no matter how difficult that may be. They can't. It's toxic. If they want to come back, they have to come back differently. Simple as that.

Good night. My neck hurts from the knives and I'm just exhausted.