Miss Me?

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Finally... my blue words are my own.
But little else is.


My parents have picked up this charming habit of telling me how incompetent I am every time I bring up my college work.
Yeah, apparently I'm failing my art class and I don't even know why. I'm panicking, I'm depressed, and I don't know what to do.
I can't fail. My art is the only option I have left. Honest to God.

Oh yes, that and my family is also calling me insane! Isn't that lovely?
It's because of my pain addiction, you know. It's gotten so bad that I'm looking for pain constantly, even to the point of getting them upset just so they'll hit me.
Terrible, isn't it? It's killing me inside.


That and Julie.
Q told me to try and accept her. I know he only suggested that because he had my best interests in mind, and I'll admit I thought it would work too... but doing that only made her start hacking my consciousness and now I'm trapped in a living hell.
It's come to the point where I am literally considering getting an exorcism just to drive her out of my mind.
My self-hatred is hitting a lethal high.
I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS.


My mother doesn't want me to cut my hair because 'people will think I'm a lesbian.'
What, like they don't already? I swear, just because I'm not interested in men... well, guess what? I'm not interested in women either.
At least I can fight a woman off. I'm not as strong as a guy, unfortunately. Freaking biology.

I really wish I was free of this.




I'm starting to break down daily now.
I'm dissolving into furious tears every night because I want my surgery come hell or high water but I don't know how long it's going to take me to get it.
I can't take it. I want it NOW, and I apologize for being impatient, but it's either that or virtual suicide.
Honestly, imagine this-- imagine you were born as a girl, but on the inside, you were a boy. Can you imagine the mental (and physical!) torture you'd suffer as you grew up in the wrong body and environment?
Well, I have it worse! I have NO gender, so no matter which way I go it's STILL WRONG.
I swear... can't a genderswitch surgeon just give me half a procedure and then stop?
Dear God, I can't take this.
I need this gone forever, and fast.


My grandmother predicts that I'm going to have a complete nervous breakdown before the end of the month.
I think so too.



So yeah, I'm buying my Johnny outfit for Halloween and/or Comic-Con, and I'm also ordering my chest binders-- FINALLY.
I am so freaking happy. That will help so much...


Anyway... it's 1:20 AM, and I have work tomorrow. I'd better sleep.




Z?







Choke choke again
I thought my demons were my friends
Getting me in the end
They're out to get me
Since I was young
I've tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet sugar gun
Does not protect me

That's right
Trigger between my eyes
Please strike
Make it quick now

I'm trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like I'm not getting better
Not getting better

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 06:29 pm


...ouch.

 

I'm finally ordering my chest binder so that brightened my day a little. I'm very happy about that.

If you're wondering why my day's been rough, though... well.

I had a completely unexpected conversation about an hour ago.

My mother says that I should be wearing my old retainers because she doesn't want to pay $3000 to fix my teeth.

I say that we could be using that money for more important things.

She says that I can't get my breasts removed.

...I never said anything to her about that.
Is it that obvious?

Anyway, I jumped on it and said that yes, I could get a mastectomy, it's not against the law.

She says that you can only get one if you have breast cancer.

I said, no, you can get them for other reasons.



She says that if I wasn't in the middle of my college semester right now, she'd throw me in a mental hospital and leave me there because there is something seriously wrong with me.

Then she storms out and now she won't talk to me.




That could have gone better.



Oh well. It was worth a shot.


I'm used to being called an insane freak by my own parents anyway.



Better not tell her I'm in love with Chaos 0, then.







Oh yes, and I succeeded in getting my brother hooked on JTHM today. He read the whole book in a few hours! It is that good, though, so I can't blame him.

Geez, I have such painfully fond memories of JTHM... I picked it up purely by chance during the deepest depression of my life, nowhere to lie. My brother almost committed suicide, my grades were plummeting, my parents were divorcing, my aunt was trying to sue my family for our property... bad times.

I practically had an epiphany while reading that book, I swear.
I had work late that night, when I bought the book... it was very dark outside, although it wasn't that late yet.
But I was so sick and depressed, I was sobbing too hard to get out of the car. There was no way I would be able to fake a smile that night for a few hours, no matter how hard I tried.
So I sat there in my car, sobbing, reading JTHM under a dim orange streetlight and getting tears all over the pages. It sounds so melodramatic when I tell it now, but it really struck me then...
I was pretty far into the book, then... I think I was at Part 4, when Johnny is talking to Nailbunny.
But there I was, reading about this terribly lost and deranged maniac, and he just resonated with me. Some fragmented part of that character existed in me, too, and I realized it then.
I remember thinking that... how terrified I was to be so like this maniac, and yet how comforting it was during that rough time to find a soul I could perfectly empathize with, ink on paper or not.
Johnny saved me then. He became a sort of refuge for me until my depression lifted and my family life calmed down... whenever I couldn't cope, I ran to that book and lost myself in it more times than I could count.
Johnny even showed up in one of my dreams during that time. Just one... and he said the most optimistic, life-saving thing anyone could have possibly said to me during that time. It was shocking, hearing it from him (knowing Johnny!), but it helped more than I could have ever imagined.

So... yeah. I owe Johnny a good portion of my semi-sanity, despite how much I've lost to my headvoices since then.
I really hate being somewhat mad, I really do. So many people nowadays 'glamorize' insanity, make it look like something cool, like something you would want... hell no, kids. You don't want this.
To quote Shmee... "Why, if sickness were a socially acceptable thing, those degenerative loons would be writing your neighbor (Johnny) fan-mail, telling him how 'cool' he is! They would admire his illness and aspire to it!!"
Sad but true.
Sickness sucks, it really does... I don't admire Johnny's sickness and I sure as heck don't desire it... unfortunately, I've been stuck with my own awful brand of madness since long before I met him.
Therapy, medication, nothing helps... oh well. Kind of paradoxical how JTHM keeps me going when all that stuff can't, huh?

But that's more than enough of my weird ranting.
I'm not so like Johnny that I don't need sleep!