defibrillator

[prismaticbleed]

I'm feeling oddly content right now for some reason?
I got sick from food again today-- I tried to fast, as I really did not feel like eating, but I unfortunately gave in to hunger around 2PM and had like three cups of vegetables, haha. I need to start cutting back on portions.
Then I didn't eat again until around 9PM and that made me incredibly nauseous, so I won't be doing that again. My only real complaint is that, with how sensitive I've been to food lately, it's actually causing me to develop aversions fairly quickly. At the moment, I can't look at eggplants, oats, or sweet fruit without wanting to gag, simply because my stomach is that unsettled at the moment. It's odd, but I'm rolling with it. Life changes fast and I'm more than used to the major bodily changes this shift is bringing at this point. Bring it on!
Anyway, even though I have a headache and can't see straight, and might have to go for long-overdue hernia surgery next week (I hope not but I have no idea how to fix this on my own; I'll see), I'm still happy on the inside? Which is really, really nice.
I think I know why too-- I'm finally fixing the orange problem, hooray for me. I miss this stuff, it's great.
Last night I was up until 1:30AM because I randomly felt like drawing. I put it off all day, then as I was catching up on Dream World work as usual, I randomly decided to give the typing/cataloguing a break and do some sketching. So I finally put together a tentative redesign for Princess Amei, a really sweet monster from an extended-universe comic I drew back around 1999. I'm currently focusing on typing all those old stories into the 'novel,' so updated art is needed to accompany it! Anyway I'm happy with it, and it was fun. Then I proceeded to meticulously practice drawing Chaos Zero for at least two hours, haha. Time well spent!

Speaking of the love of my life. On Tuesday night (the 31st), I was about to just sleep without going home first (which I've been doing for weeks now; I used to spend at least 30 minutes talking to the family upstairs before work), when suddenly I was 'pulled' upstairs by someone who was really trying hard to get my attention... Xenophon. My lovely little daughter. Well, needless to say she missed me just as much as I missed her, but thankfully Laurie has been acting as a sort of 'big sister' to her in my absence so she's picked up on some of her habits... most notably, her determination in cases of virtue.
Xenophon absolutely refused to let me sleep without finally taking action on the whole orange situation first. Honestly, I was lying in bed and she was sitting right next to me, lecturing me in that adorable way of hers (I swear it's a purple thing)... we talked a lot. At one point we brought up Holy Saturday again, and I know I haven't written about that yet (I should because it was CRAZY), but Xennie is the only reason any of us got through it... in short, she found her metainomen. I'm unsure on what it is specifically-- I can feel the vibe-- but her "attribute" (we need jargon for that) is Blood, which is incredibly significant. Her metainomen is naming her as some sort of... I don't know, redemptrix of it?? As in, her very existence was a "redemption" of the blood we lost in all the graves dug, and now that's her title in a very concrete sense. I want to say she's a "Maiden," not just for her innocence and youth, but also because she is... well, "maid" of Blood. It's fitting.
Anyway it was a very emotional event, because we had discussed it beforehand, and let me tell you, talking about death with your baby girl is really a heartwrenching experience. You get the picture. But yeah, that topic came up again as we spoke, because she was referencing the courage and compassion that motivated it, for her as well as for me. And... I forget how it got to that, but she said that she wanted wings like mine? She loves her butterfly wings, but she said she wanted them to resemble the 'soul style' I have going on. Now at this point my walls had pretty much melted-- it is impossible to be 'closed off' around her, she's too sweet-- so I just reached out and channeled that spark of love, the first clear thing I'd felt in a while, into her wings, to help them grow. And dude did they ever grow.
Being a child in headspace, Xennie is very sensitive to energy, so she reacts to it fast, especially if there's direct intention behind it. I swear, as soon as that energy hit her, her wings just bloomed into these beautiful crystal shapes... I need to draw them, I really do. She was so excited when she noticed this, it just lit me up to see the joy on her face.
She must have noticed this, because immediately she jumped on my sudden openness and told me that it was now or never. If I could do that for her, then it was time to take the next step in fixing the mess I'd made over the past few months. She said that even though I was tired, I had to make a sacrifice here, for everyone's sake. So she refused to let me abandon my responsibility, not letting me so much as close my eyes because she insisted I get out of bed and go talk to her other father first.
...So I did.
Let me just say that the look on Chaos' face when I walked onto the main balcony for the first time in over a month was beyond description. You know how some things both break your heart and illuminate it at the same time? Yeah, that was one of those things. Then he threw his arms around me and I swear every negative moment since March just disappeared entirely. In the space of a single moment, I suddenly didn't care about acting tough or fighting demons or even chasing the void. All I could feel was love, both within and without, and God it was beyond words.
Sometimes you need to just jump into the water headfirst, I guess. (It's more than worth it.)
As if that wasn't amazing enough, Genesis apparently heard that I was finally 'back home' and he showed up a few minutes in, and wow I didn't realize how badly I missed him until I saw that grin of his, not dimmed in the slightest by the tears in his eyes (they still look like Van Gogh paintings to me). Honestly he is an incredible friend and daily life feels oddly banal without his sugar-spark energy lighting it up. He was so overwhelmed that he actually kissed me in front of Chaos, which started a hilariously beautiful chain of events where Chaos decided that wasn't fair and Laurie got everyone into a group hug and Xenophon kept complaining that she was too short to join in without flying, it was the best thing. Oh, and she showed Chaos her new wings, that was amazing... man that whole night/ morning/ whatever was absolutely gorgeous, I am so glad I took that chance.
By the way, there were more pictures of Chaos on dA last night, I told you it works!!
"You are the cause, and the world is the effect..." so true. Listen, there is a book I am reading right now that I cannot wait to finish so I can tell you guys about it. Also I SWEAR it is Dream World in a nutshell, it's uncanny. Thank God for incredible unexpected inspiration gates, right?

Where was I.
Oh yes, the happiness bit. I definitely think it's because of Tuesday night, and my recent work for Dream World, obviously. I've been trying to fix PARS2 (another 10-year-old story) all evening, which is quite the endeavor, but it's posing a lot of interesting questions and I forgot how endearing Rosaka is, haha. She needs more love.
I'm also trying to observe the last 15 days of Ramadan, for the sake of both spiritual solidarity and personal piety. I don't consider myself a member of any one religion at this point, but I deeply admire and respect the motivations and intentions that go into this holy month, so I want to partake in it as much as I can. My only concern is that I might not end up taking care of myself well enough-- yes, I'm only doing half the fast, which is less strenuous, but I don't eat much the way it is, and eating late does not agree with my sleeping schedule! So I'm concerned that my suhoor/ iftar might not give me enough calories to make it through the day 'safely,' so to speak. I'll have to be careful. I'm also concerned about sleep, as I've been purposely staying up until 1AM lately because my flight on the 14th isn't going to arrive at SLC until around that time, whoa man. But I don't want to mess up my health by messing with my rest patterns too drastically. In any case I'll have to do some more reading on Ramadan practices before I go to bed, because I really do want to do this.

I haven't been reading the GFP news updates lately and that isn't cool, I really should take an hour or two tomorrow to catch up on what's going down. I've had some killer brain fog for about two weeks now, and I'm curious as to what's up astrologically. July played out surprisingly accurately, according to their predictions, so I'd like to see what's scheduled for August, especially since the Mercury retrograde is coming to an end soon... and I know the 4th is incredibly important, can't remember why offhand though. Plus I keep hearing talk about the Olympics being really important in terms of global unity but I haven't read much about that either! Geez, I feel really out of the loop.

Random thought: I found a small touch-lamp in my bro's room that he wasn't using, so now it's on my desk, and it's lovely. It's just enough warm light for me to see my notes at 12AM, and doesn't wake anyone else up, haha! I'm going to have to get something like this in Utah, maybe. We'll see. I'm not planning anything until I get out there-- well, except for spending as much time outside as possible. Living in the woods is beautiful, don't get me wrong, but I can't really do anything besides walk around the house here (the woods is home to many predatory animals so I can't go exploring anymore, sadly). So I'm really looking forward to having actual places to go once I move. It'll be interesting!

Speaking of moving, I didn't mention this yet but I am selling all of my old manga/anime/Pokemon collections online. So, if you're interested in buying comics, games, CDs, DVDs, etc., or know someone else who might be, please spread the word-- I need to get rid of this stuff, and I need cash.
It's hilarious though-- it took me at least 16 hours to get that post together. It amounted to three solid days of finding/organizing stuff, taking/uploading photographs, and meticulously writing up the sales post! And the past two days have been spent managing orders and running to the post office, which is actually very fun, go figure. I'm not used to such a tightly-packed schedule, but I guess in this context (work at home, aw yeah son) it works. I don't mind it at all.
Also, when I went to ship my most recent two orders, the woman at the post office saw me walking in and joked that I practically lived there already, haha. That's what I get for my eBay and deviantART sales shenanigans, I suppose! But it's nice, because now we're on friendly terms and can talk casually whenever I walk in. I love that so much. It makes me want to be a 'regular customer' everywhere, just so I can be buddies with everyone. Seriously, whenever I drive past a diner or cornerstore or whatever, I want to stop in and spend some time solely to socialize. I want to connect with people, genuinely so. My father is my biggest role model in this respect; I know I've mentioned it online before, but I swear, no matter where we go, he knows someone! Because, even if no one has ever seen him before when he walks in, the whole place will know his name by the time he walks out. He starts conversations in elevators, he introduces himself to folks waiting in line, everything. I honestly admire that and try to emulate it as much as possible-- this from the guy who tells the cashier to have a good evening, and treasures the smiles he sees in return. Seriously I just love people so much, and I don't spend nearly enough time expressing that. Which is why I'm excited to move-- the SLC library employees are going to know me on sight pretty darn fast, I'll tell you that already!
Oh yes, and on the same note, I'm trying to talk to my friends online more (the sales thing is helping; a few of them bought stuff from me so we've been chatting it up thanks to that working as an icebreaker). I seriously missed talking to Termina (she's the one helping me out with Ramadan btw), and I'd like to get back in touch with DJ (my music boss, who bugs me to death on Skype but I don't mind as he's hilarious) but I unfortunately feel like I'm on semi-bad terms with him? I've had to back out of a few projects he asked me about (music and art-wise) thanks to my busy life, and I'm not sure how to make that up to him. Maybe I just need to suck it up and apologize, haha. But it feels nice to be communicating again. I'm also riding that wave and commenting on deviantART completely at random, like I used to when I first joined. It's surprisingly uplifting, even just saying a few words of appreciation on a wicked cool picture someone drew or something. Plus I care about a lot of the people I watch on dA, but never speak to them. So I'm trying to express that now, because it means a lot to know that you're loved, even a little bit, even by a stranger.

Regardless, it's 3:33 on the dot (hello angels!), and I should conclude this entry soon as I'd like to get at least ten minutes of drawing in before I check in for the night, despite the time, just so I don't slack off on rekindling my creativity. Pray that my art program doesn't crash and erase my work like it did yesterday (five times)! Seriously I need a new program, this one is a major pain in the neck. Drawing traditionally is more fun (I adore getting lost in pencil work) but at this hour it'd strain my eyes something fierce. So I must brave the computer screen, lagging tablet pen, and touchy programs! Fun for the whole family (or not). Just kidding. I can't really complain, as I'm glad I have a laptop, tablet, and art program to work with at all!

So. Tomorrow I start my fast, I ship more boxes, and I possibly go work at my church picnic because volunteering is cool.
But before then I really do need to sleep. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be the one stopping by and tossing silver dreamdust on your eyes at night! Gotta love this apprenticeship.
Sweet dreams and sweeter days to you all.