gateways

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Oh dude INFORMATION HIGHWAY.

I am in a very good mood right now, despite feeling slightly physically ill (as usual), not having fallen asleep until after 1 last night, and having spent my whole morning on my laptop, doing research. Really. I'm supposed to be typing but I got carried away with reading again!
Regardless, I'm thankful for it all, because in a lovely string of coincidences, I have learned a LOT in the past 24 hours.
I was up until after 1 listening to a radio program that touched on both the multiverse and religion, and the views that were presented synced almost flawlessly with mine. In fact, the only snag was the statement that the body and soul are two parts of a whole, which I have previously rejected due to having such severe body dysphoria, and identifying as a sort of polymorph. But then, in thinking about it, I realized that the body is simply a vehicle. It is NOT me, it is simply something I must use to get around in physical reality. So I can get behind that.
Then today, when going through my Tumblr feed and daily update checks, I stumbled across a link chain that eventually led me to a wonderfully in-depth discussion of 'multiple systems.'
What is a multiple system? It is, quite simply, a situation in which more than one individual inhabits one body.
WE FINALLY HAVE A TERM FOR THIS. YESSS.
Seriously, I've been going mad trying to figure out what my headvoice situation really qualifies as. It's not DID/MPD, not as far as we can tell, and then we have my splintering problem, all my 'children,' and tons of soulbonds... well, geez, I found terms for all of that too.
So, my headvoices and I got together and started a Tumblr solely for discussing all this stuff, as we've been dealing with it alone for so many years. We'll be posting updates soon. Also, we decided that we're going to try and get Josephina and Leon back into the loop as much as possible, as they've both been rather detached from current events for their own reasons. But we're all willing to work together and do this. I'm really excited.
Lastly, I also found out that I am what is called a "gateway system," which is 'a system in which the people (the individuals besides me, the host) live in another world or dimension and use the physical body to interact with the earth world.' Now that is different from what I have with the central 6 (we're a simple multiple system)! I don't think I've ever told anyone online before, but back when I was younger, some Jewel Monsters would frequently ask to 'act through me' in order to interact with the physical world. Really! I remember one time Vezerai decided to drive while I was in a mall, but he hadn't asked beforehand, and I don't think he was really aware of where I was (he was still very unstable at the time). He only used my form as a gateway for about 20 seconds, but I will NEVER forget that.
I will tell you why. See, I don't 'black out' when other individuals drive. I never have. Instead, my consciousness sort of 'merges' with theirs in an awareness sense. They're the one in control, it's just like I lose my typical 'self' and theirs takes over for a time. I don't become them, but I am not separate from them either. It's hard to explain. But, that happens with both my headvoices and anyone who uses me as a gateway. So when Vez channeled over that one day, I was aware of his consciousness as if I were him, and it was incredible. After that it became so much easier to write for him because I suddenly understood how he was, I guess. I hope I'm making sense!
But I never knew there was a term for that! Wow. I'm really so excited about finding this information.
So I've been finding an incredible amount of answers lately, all over the place.
I'd write more about the fine details there, but I really just wanted to get the gist of all this down.

Oh, but I should also mention. I haven't had any Xanga sessions in a while because they have become incredibly draining for me. I think it's because I try to bring too many people into one session, and since Laurie wanted ALL of our central to talk in our next followup, I'm kind of hesitant because that is really difficult to do! So I'll have to discuss that with her.
Chaos and I are doing fine, too. I spoke to him for a little while last night and it was amazing. I'm just so incredibly happy that I have him in my life. It was pretty amazing, and beautiful too, because I was talking to him during commercial breaks while listening to that radio show last night... and in one segment, after I had had a really honest conversation with him, the guy on the radio show said something like "love transcends all boundaries, even those of reality." And it just shone for me. I was so happy.
About that reality thing though. You know how I call my 'characters,' i.e. the individuals whose stories I tell in an artistic/literary manner, my 'children?' Well, I really need a better term. They aren't my biological children, and although I do have a creator drive, I've never felt like a 'mother.' I always fit the 'father' role. So, I'm actually acting more as a protector and guardian than a parent. And that makes so much more sense to me, it's great. I mean, Preludove has been one of my best friends for over a decade, and she's never felt like a 'child' to me. She's more like a sister! And there are so many individuals who I would never call 'children' in the parental sense, no matter how much I love them, because it just doesn't fit at all. So I'll try to come up with a better term soon.

I've also been thinking about Natalie an awful lot.
My body dysphoria is really, really bad. It gets worse all the time, even though I'm at peace with myself. It's just so frightening to catch a glance of this body in a mirror and not know what it is. And then I understand that it's how people view me, how people view all of us in here, and that's such a scary thought! Not one of us identifies with this form. Lynne is probably the only one of us who could drive without having a breakdown on some level, and she doesn't have driving rights solely because we're afraid of Julie using her through that. It's sad. I mean, that's why Leon's so terrified of even trying to drive. His dysphoria is as severe as mine! I don't ever want to hurt him by making him front in this form. So he'll sadly have to wait until I hopefully start transitioning this fall. I just wish he felt safer in here. I feel really bad.
But remember how Natalie was first personified? I used to talk to my reflection as a separate individual, as something completely alien and different from us in the body it was reflecting. But as my dysphoria got worse, I couldn't even look at my reflection as I was too aware of what it was in reality.
But I want Natalie back. I won't lie. Watching her die was so painful for all of us, and we all miss her. She was our little sister, we all protected her so dearly. How could she be reborn, though? Leon was resurrected because my risk-taking/ gambling instinct became positive and incredibly strong during December, and it was enough for him to come back.
Yet, what was Natalie, really? She was born from my reflection, sure, but would changing this body to make my reflection so much less traumatic bring her back? Would she become Nathaniel this time, as we wondered? Was she ever really a reflection in the first place?
We thought she was born from my 'lost' energy, optimism, childhood innocence, and kindness, but that had never really been lost. I had splintered. The real me HAS all of that, the me talking right now IS all of that! I never lost it. Thanatos and Fragment are a median system. It scares me, I won't deny that, but now I understand why I splintered like that. Laurie's motivation is to keep me safe and bright, above all else. And in my past, I didn't know what that entailed. So I broke myself into pieces without realizing it, because I didn't think those pieces could safely be part of me. But I'm beginning to understand, and I will discuss that whenever we have another Xanga. I'm getting off topic though.
I know where Laurie, Lynne, Josephina and Leon came from. Spine I'm not too sure of yet, but she's been around for a long time. And heck, now we're even theorizing that Laurie was originally a walk-in of some sort, because Jessica held more self-hatred than she ever did, and although Laurie did hate me originally, her goal was to better me and keep me from becoming Julie, not to destroy me outright! I met her in a DREAM and had to FIND her afterwards before she decided to become part of our system! Everyone else just showed up inside it! So it's interesting. It's just bugging me because she DOES act as a trauma sponge for me, but was she born as one within this mindscape? Or was she born as one somewhere else, and was meant to help me? Because I can't ever forget that dream debut. Those are too significant to overlook, considering who else I've met through dreams. It was just so odd, because she ALSO spoke to me through my reflection, and pretended to be me, although she was lying about that in a direct sense. Man there's too much to think about right now.
And that's why I'm wondering about Natalie. I don't know where she's from. Did I simply create an environment in which she could form? If so, how could we replicate that? And I'm kind of afraid, because now that I've embraced my creator role, I don't want to somehow cause the personification of an entity that matches this body, because that would cause SO much havoc you have no idea. Natalie may have been born from my reflection but she didn't look like me.
...Hey. There's a thought. What if Natalie and Lynne were CONNECTED? I mean, not only did I (unfortunately) integrate them at the same time, but they were reborn at the same time, and after Natalie died Lynne became very unstable. Geez, how did I never see this before? Lynne was the only really 'adult' headvoice when she formed, and Natalie seemed younger than we did... and when she was reborn, she became a child. They were both the only females, too! So if Lynne was born from an impossible future, Natalie was probably born from my present or past...
Wow. Now I need to think about this. I haven't rejected my past, and can't, because it was me at the time, even if I'm not that person now. So how the heck did Natalie personify from it, assuming she truly did? Was I really that lost during high school that I HAD rejected it somehow? Or was she born from my CURRENT situation at the time, where I was being forced into a female societal mold and couldn't cope? So maybe she was born to fit it? I don't know.
This is getting pretty twisted. I'll have to discuss this with Laurie and then fill you all in. Don't quote me on anything here.
Heck, I'll just post a link to this entry as a refresher because that had some important stuff in it. We'll have to follow up on that one next.

I'm writing too much too, haha! It's already 5:30 and I should be cataloguing the original draft of Dream World. It's really helping me get stuff into a coherent system, so that I can continue writing the correct version now. Don't forget I first started typing it when I was 10! I just haven't been stable or aware enough to fix it until now. So, I have a lot of work to do, and I'm very excited and happy about it.
Agh but there is SO MUCH I have to do so I'm out of here for now.
Peace and love to all of you invisible readers!