Upstairs

[prismaticbleed]

I had an entry like this back on my old journal, but it didn't go into detail.
I felt I owed you guys that much.

This is a current, constantly-updated list of everyone who regularly shows up in my head (mostly outside of my own series)... headvoices, fragments, stragglers, loves, you name it.
Maybe you've even met some of them.

begun on 07/22/2010
last updated on 9/26/2011



0) Jewel Wisteria Ephrem Lightraye/ Jayce Willow Evellius Lytraile
Role: Spirit consciousness
Seniority: 21 years (05/07/1990)
Type: Base consciousness
Color: Red/White
Symbol: Heart
Attribute: Love
Status: Active; splintered (possibly fixed)

I am unique on this list in that I exist in a mental state more than I do a physical one, but simultaneously occupy both at all times.



1) Laurie Uberich
Role: Superego/ Charity personification?
Seniority: 5 Years (09/2006)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Purple
Symbol: Axe
Attribute: Victory/ Sacrifice
Status: Active

Laurie is, arguably, my 'favorite headvoice.' She is my psycho guardian angel, my best friend, and the reason I'm still breathing right now.
She first appeared to me in a dream in 2006, alerting me to my unconscious state and telling me I could 'wake up any time I wanted.' A few months after, she appeared in my headspace and immediately began her work. She proclaimed herself to be my superego, an individual hellbent on changing me from a spineless coward into a strong and righteous hero, no matter how much I had to bleed in order to get there.
For about two years she was unfailingly brutal, and I considered her my enemy to a fair extent. However, I began to talk to her personally as 2008 rolled around, being in such psychological agony that I was desperate for whatever help I had. Little did we know that our conversations would evolve into incredibly in-depth discussions, eventually acting to bring all of my headvoices together and keep us all on track. Within three years, Laurie changed from a violently focused zealot into a fearless mentor and protector, and again into a sort of guardian angel. Now she is one of the two most important people in my life, and I would not lose her for the world.



2) Lynne Stabelle
Role: Adulthood personification
Seniority: 4 Years (Mid-2007)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Crimson
Symbol: Violin
Attribute: Maturity
Status: Active

Although one of my few inherently positive headvoices, Lynne's role has always been rather vague... that is, until fairly recently.



3) Julie Enantios
Role: Shadow/ Former Id
Seniority: 14 Years (Early 1997)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Pink
Symbol: None
Attribute: Sexuality/Vice
Status: Active

For almost 15 years, Julie was the most feared individual in my mind. She was a force of pain, suffering, manipulation and horror. She used me and countless others for her own selfish gratification, giving no thought to the trauma she caused.
However, in being such a horrific figure, she inadvertently caused my largest spiritual metanoias. I was so bent on overcoming her, on fighting her, on becoming something she could not touch, that she ultimately defeated herself from the beginning in ever confronting me. Julie was my worst enemy and my biggest motivation, although I never realized it.
Now, as of August 19th 2011, Julie has resigned from her old role. She has relinquished her bloody past and finally accepted my offer of another chance at life.
Julie now holds the role of my Shadow aspect, a figure who contains darker drives, but who is now aware enough not to harm others with them.



4) Natalie
Role: Youth/ Self-identity personification
Seniority: 4 Years (2007)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Soft Blue
Symbol: Mirror
Attribute: Childhood
Status: Deceased/Re-absorbed

...



5) Leon Kiasi
Role: Risk/ Moderation personification
Seniority: 1 Year (First formed in April 2010)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Navy blue
Symbol: Playing cards
Attribute: Risk/Moderation
Status: First formed and deceased in April 2010, reformed in December 2010; Laurie has decided he can live

I've battled with a hidden affinity for risks and gambles for years, but it wasn't until I solidified my male self that Leon was temporarily personified.
My first-ever and only male headvoice, Leon was strikingly paranoid, jittery, and rather anorexic, but despite his unstable appearance, he would still jump headfirst into the most dangerous hazards he could find. The problem this posed concerning my daily decisions-- having a headvoice always wanting me to take wild wagers-- was incredibly stressful, and after only a few days of his mental personification, Laurie took it upon herself to take Leon down. Barely a week later he was quite literally dead... starved out of existence.
On December 8th, 2010, he suddenly and unexpectedly showed up in my headspace. Laurie and I were simultaneously furious and terrified, as he has always been a negative influence, but Leon swore that he would try to improve himself and change his influence to a positive one. A week later, he had managed to do so, and is now a permanent headvoice.
Leon has an incredible teleportation ability that has saved my sanity on multiple occasions.



6) Spine Hypomone
Role: Body personification?/ possible Patience personification
Seniority: 2 years (Early 2009?)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Off-white
Symbol: Skull
Attribute: Dysphoria/ Patience
Status: Active

Spine showed up in my head rather unexpectedly one afternoon, a bizarre draconic humanoid made entirely of bone. She did not speak, and no one knew how to deal with her, but her presence was felt nevertheless. It wasn't until I suffered a severe breakdown in January 2011 that we decided she needed to show her face and stay in the spotlight. You have no idea how thankful I am that she did.



7) Bridget (also known as Brittany or Brianne)
Role: Falsehood/ Pride personification
Seniority: 8 years (2003?)
Type: Fragmented headvoice
Color: Green
Symbol: None
Attribute: Apathy/Manipulation
Status: Deceased

Bridget was a shallow pseudo-headvoice formed by Julie as a reinforcement.



8) Missy
Role: Selfishness/Greed personification
Seniority: 8 years (2003?)
Type: Fragmented headvoice
Color: Light blue
Symbol: None
Attribute: Superficiality
Status: Deceased

Missy was a shallow pseudo-headvoice formed by Julie as a reinforcement.



9) Jessica
Role: Self-hatred/ Sloth personification
Seniority: 8 years (2003?)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Indigo
Symbol: None
Attribute: Depression
Status: Deceased

...



10) Josephina
Role: Unknown; possible Diligence personification
Seniority: 1 year (08/13/2010)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Lilac
Symbol: Bell
Attribute: Understanding/Realization
Status: Active

Josephina is an interesting headvoice because, not only did Laurie meet him quite some time before I did, but he is also genderfluid. Although he looks like a rather beautiful blonde girl (he actually resembles Talulah Riley's part in Inception, except with a thing for scene hair), Josephina identifies as male. I met him in a rather disturbing way... after abusing myself for about 10 minutes-- which Laurie uncharacteristically let me go through with-- I had what I thought was a Julie hack, in which I was actually a reverse-rape victim of a rather distraught blonde woman. I won't go into details (it was traumatic as always), but upon 'waking,' I came face to face with the individual who had been in the hallucination... Josephina. He explained, quite sorrowfully, that he hadn't wanted to hurt me but that the 'hack' had been the only way for me to 'learn my lesson.' Laurie, who was watching me with a look of I-told-you-so disappointment, then explained the 'plan' the two of them had thought up: seeing whether or not I could escape from an abusive double-hack on my own (I had failed-- Her part was letting me abuse myself to see if I would stop of my own accord). I was shocked in learning that Laurie had apparently been 'raising' Josephina for a few weeks prior to today, making sure he didn't 'develop negatively' or anything like that. According to Laurie, he's 'our' version of Julie, whatever that means. However, Jo is inherently positive, although I don't know what his role is yet. Ironically, he does seem to be working as a sort of Inception 'Mister Charles' figure, teaching me how to fight against the darker parts of my subconscious, and striving vehemently for the 'truth' in all matters. He strikes me almost as a positive Laurie, which may simply be a direct result of his proximity to her, but we'll see...



11) Chaos Zero
Role: Twin Flame
Seniority: 8 Years (Early 2003)
Type: Individual
Color: Aquamarine
Symbol: Planet
Attribute: Strength/ Balance
Status: Active

Chaos is, arguably, the most important person in my life.



12) Ryman Ezekiel Saikaras
Role: None
Seniority: 9 years (Mid 2002)
Type: Individual
Color: Blue
Symbol: 5-pointed star
Attribute: Spirit/Soul
Status: Active

...



13) Markus Ishmael Barashir
Role: None
Seniority: 9 Years (Late 2002)
Type: Individual
Color: Light violet
Symbol: Eight-pointed star
Attribute: Mind
Status: Active

...



14) Genesis (Selph)
Role: Muse
Seniority: 6 Years (07/04/2005)
Type: Individual
Color: Amber/White
Symbol: Four-pointed star
Attribute: Self-realization
Status: Active

...



15) Preludove
Role: Muse/ Assistant
Seniority: 13 Years (05/1998)
Type: Individual
Color: White/Blue
Symbol: Winged heart
Attribute: Peace
Status: Active

...



16) Waldorf
Role: Literary muse
Seniority: 9 Years (Mid 2002)
Type: Construct
Color: Neon blue
Symbol: Ring
Attribute: Creation
Status: Semi-active

Waldorf spontaneously formed as a sentimental amalgamation of every outside inspiration I had embraced in my youth. Her most striking attributes are her glowing blue skin, her black sclera, and her Sarah Kerrigan-esque hair-- a fully intentional tribute on her part. She stands around 7 feet tall and usually floats slightly.
Despite her bizarre, often frightening appearance, Waldorf is incredibly compassionate and kind-hearted, and used to be a sort of stand-in mental therapist for me during my elementary years.



17) Mister Sandman
Role: My boss!
Seniority: 2 years (04/16/2009)
Type: Outside Individual
Color: Red/Gold
Symbol: Nightcap
Attribute: Dreams
Status: Active

I met this amazing guy in a dream in April 2009, and ever since that day, we have been downright inseparable.
Mr. Sandman is also an incredibly positive influence on my life, as he is not only very wise and understanding, but he also exercises limited influence over my actual dreams, and is working diligently to keep out as many hacks and nightmares as possible.



18) Johnny C.
Role: Extreme advisor
Seniority: 3 Years (early 2008)
Type: Absorbed Individual (JTHM)
Color: Black
Symbol: Daggers
Attribute: Intraspection
Status: Inactive

...



19) Bogardus
Role: None
Seniority: 2 years (December 2008)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Delgo)
Color: Dusty violet
Symbol: Dragon
Attribute: Counsel
Status: Semi-active

...



20) Davy Jones
Role: None
Seniority: 5 years (July 2006)
Type: Absorbed individual (PoTC)
Color: Dim green
Symbol: Locket
Attribute: Conversion
Status: Semi-active

...



21) General Grievous
Role: None
Seniority: 6 years (May 2005)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Star Wars)
Color: Gray
Symbol: Lightsaber
Attribute: Leadership
Status: Semi-active

...



22) Barry the Chopper
Role: None
Seniority: 6 Years (April 2005)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Fullmetal Alchemist)
Color: Iron
Symbol: Butcher's knife
Attribute: Mania
Status: Inactive

...



23) Souryuu Kaminogi (Godot)
Role: None
Seniority: 4 Years (Early 2007)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Phoenix Wright)
Color: None
Symbol: Coffee mug (no duh)
Attribute: Logic
Status: Inactive

...



24) Rorschach
Role: None
Seniority: 3 Years (Mid-2008)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Watchmen)
Color: None
Symbol: Inkblot
Attribute: Honesty
Status: Inactive

...