green

[prismaticbleed]

All right, I promised you guys an update two days ago and I have been ridiculously busy since then so there hasn't been one. My apologies.
Let's pick up where we left off, then.

Something very, very significant happened on November 18th. I hadn't updated for a out a week prior to that thanks to my recording project (which took approximately 24 studio hours to complete, no kidding), and that huge workload contributed to a large amount of stress on my part, thanks to the sheer amount of time and effort it took. Nothing too negative, no, but it was just involved enough to weaken me, badly.
Long story short, I'm relapsing. Badly. My therapist is triggering me every time I see him, I can't go online anymore because it's getting far too dangerous again, I haven't spoken to my friends in some time for the same reason... and worst of all, my gender dysphoria has come back full-force for the first time since January, I think (yes it's that bad). So I am having a terrifyingly difficult time trying to keep the inevitable old self-abuse thoughts out of my head. I thought that was over with, forever, and then on Friday I picked up a knife and I remembered exactly what it felt like as it tore through muscle. It was the most disturbing thing I've felt in a very long time, to say the least... well, it would be, if this relapsing hadn't also worsened my ego hacks to frankly traumatic intensity as well.
That's what happened on Friday. I'll admit that my mind has already wiped that incident from my mind almost entirely. It's frustrating that I forget everything like that so fast, as I'd like to learn from it, but it's a desperate coping method and honestly, dwelling on that sort of thing for too long has been proven to drive me off the deep end.
In any case the details actually aren't that important here. What drove me to update here in spite of the stress, and what has also completely turned my daily life upside down, is the event that was triggered by such a deeply harrowing incident.

Natalie resurrected.

Yeah, I'm not kidding. Apparently I got bad enough to completely disassociate from my reflection again, to the point where it gave Nat enough room and energy to reform (remember how that worked for Leon). So Natalie is back in our system... well, as Nathaniel this time. And that's where it gets complicated.
First off, his color changed from blue to green. Since Leon was born/ died/ reborn during the time gap when Nat was still dead, he picked up the blue attributes in his absence. Green has never been assigned, but now I actually have seven headvoices up here (which is absolutely insane) and the spectrum is completely spoken for.
I have some theories on that which seem to be carrying some merit but we'll get to that. I have to discuss this among the system first before I jump to any conclusions. I'm a little nervous if they're true, because then Nathaniel's new green color is actually a very, very foreboding sign.
Anyway, Laurie immediately assigned him to active duty, which means he and I are co-fronting as much as possible now. I'll admit it's very difficult, but if this keeps hacks from happening (I care more about other people than I do myself in these cases, sadly-- and if fighting off hacks tooth and nail means protecting him directly then I'll be motivated for sure) then I'll deal with it. It's just... well, it's not helping the dysphoria. I mean it's at least a little easier to cope with now that he's the one occupying my reflections, but the truth that I'm still stuck in it too haunts me. My own face has become deeply disconcerting to me. Knowing that it's now Nathaniel's only helps a little bit. It's not enough, not at all. It's not enough to keep the repressed screams and involuntary spasms away. It's not enough to keep my hands from wildly digging for blades and tearing at skin.
When I open my mouth I'm not me. When I look in the mirror I'm not me. No matter how centered I can be in still silence, as soon as I am made aware of this body I collapse outright. How did I fix this last time? I don't remember.
This is terrifying.
I'm afraid of how far I'll have slipped by this time next week... or next month... God, I can't be letting this happen. I don't want to fall again. Not now. Not after everything.

...Speaking of everything.
Xenophon is getting a lot better at ghosting. She can get about a solid hour in now which is amazing progress. When she's around me I feel so much joy it brings me to tears, because I forget what I'm stuck in. She's there, and I know what led up to that, and it reminds me that I still do exist too.
She told me that she 'sees me how I am' which is incredible to me... we were in church and I was afraid to sing with her there as I thought my dysphoria would go through the roof, but she said not to worry because apparently her perception of me isn't limited by my physical form? I don't know how that's possible but I am SO thankful for that...
Also, it does NOT feel right calling myself a 'parent.' It doesn't. I've been saying 'father' based on my own, very non-traditional interpretation of the term (and also thanks to Nier, but of course I completely ignored the fact that he had to have a wife at some point). I see no distinction between 'father' and 'mother' in my sense-- they're just titles given to caretakers with blood connections, to people who are responsible for allowing you to enter their world and who will love you unconditionally. Gender, biology, family roles, and all that has absolutely no bearing on those titles to me. That's why I no longer feel comfortable using them... because according to the rest of the world, they do. I'm using a term that isn't even mine to define something that doesn't even match.
Oh, and also I don't think there's any 'blood relation' either. She's technically a J-Monster (Chaos and I both have indelible ties to that universe) and their biology is far different than those of humans, especially where reproduction is concerned, but even if we broke several 'rules' in allowing her to exist here, she's not genetically related to us in the normal sense? I don't know how to explain it. But long story short, even though I've been calling myself a 'parent' and a 'father,' I'm technically neither. Plus I only accept other people calling me that if they understand the specifics of my definition despite the label, and onlookers don't.
I spoke to Imaril (an individual from the Akuna System) the other day, and she told me not to worry about that. She told me to be a guardian, a light.
That's really what I am to Xenophon. That's all I've ever wanted to be for anyone like her. So I'll do that.

Going back to headvoices to close this up... Julie is still having major problems with forgiving herself. I'm trying to help but I can only do so much. I'm at fault, really. I keep talking about my past without thinking how that's hurting her, which is really stupid and selfish of me. I should be letting go of the past completely but I'm not? I don't understand why. I guess things keep dragging it back into present awareness and I don't want that.
As for Lynne, Leon and Spine, they have now been promoted to active duty according to Laurie. Josephina is kind of wavering in terms of activity. I know he's still unsure of how to carry out his role and now with Nathaniel returning, things are just getting crazier.
I think I'm going to ask Spine to co-front with us too. I don't know, it could help. I'm just desperate right now.

That's all I have to say about this. I'm feeling very sick.
I want to be optimistic but something is holding me back. Why? Is it guilt? Is it self-hatred?
I don't like this boiling feeling running through my bones. It's frightening. I just want to let go and be happy.
But there are mirrors everywhere.