"INTERPERSONAL DYNAMICS" WORKBOOK NOTES

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TRAP= "People see me AS the E.D. and they EXPECT it; despite this I have my ONLY self-differentiation THROUGH the E.D."


DYNAMIC: CONTROL

MUST:
- eat with chopsticks
- eat small bites
- eat at certain times
- eat in a certain order
etc.

Control WHEN I eat;
Control WHAT I eat;
& HOW MUCH--
"ensure I get ENOUGH to eat?" felt UNLOVED?
+ REJECT if too much/ wrong/ sick/ forced; "NO"

PROSS of continuing:

- "Security"
- Comfortable, predictable
- ORGANIZED; categorized; methodical
- "Know what's next"
- RULES to follow
- "I have enough" feeling
- Childhood power trip
- Don't "have to" suffer from poor food choices/ consequences
- "No one can force me to do/ not to do this"

CONS of continuing:

- SOCIAL ALIENATION; esp. from family
- Inflexibility, rigidity
- Inability to adapt to change & variables
- LACK OF FREE CHOICE
- Ironically NO SELF-CONTROL, give in to all hunger & fear
- E.D. DOES "force me" to be rigid & obsessive
- Food becomes a WEAPON
- Never truly "enough"

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- Set HEALTHY rules
- Use exchange system!
- Learn to TRUST safe people & trust THEIR gentle control
- COOPERATE; never "all or nothing" on either side
- Be more flexible w/ food, but still set schedule & limit options prudently? Portions; NO FORCING!
- Define "enough" NUTRITIONALLY
- MEET PSYCHIC NEEDS W/ CREATIVITY & BEAUTY
- Disarm discomfort; sick ≠ death
- Remember: GOD IS IN CONTROL, so I don't have to be!!
- I CAN control exchanges?

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DYNAMIC: SELF-CONTROL, SELF-CRITICISMS, EXPECTATIONS, ACHIEVEMENT

- FASTING, "CLEAN"
- 100% meal completion despite painful fullness, PUSHING portions, meals presented as PASS/FAIL
- RESTRICTION/ STARVING; "don't deserve to live/ eat"; perfectionistic expectations: clean, pure, proper

PROS of continuing:

- No longer a "wild animal"
- Moral "reassurance"
- Helps alleviate/ ignore feelings of inadequacy, failure, etc. by setting my own (toxic) goals OPPOSING past ones
- "Spare the rod, spoil the child" = "deserving of punishment" for bad deeds/ sins
- "FASTING = HOLY & PURE" but "FOOD= SIN & LUST"; "SAINTS DON'T HAVE TO EAT"; feel closer to God?
- "Can't control" eating so DON'T EAT!! There's NO "SIN" that way!

CONSof continuing:

- Critical focus = sees NO redeeming qualities; causes hopelessness, "UNABLE" to change
- Meals are WAR, not sustenance
- Ignore/ invalidate/ deny intuitive body needs (just like trauma)
- "NEVER GOOD ENOUGH" = will always try to eat LESS; passive suicide; idealized death = "holiness" becomes a matter of VIOLENCE TO SELF, instead of LOVE & MERCY; seeing God's GIFT of food as "BAD"

HEALTHY WAYSto meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- Practice "external" portion control: utilize containers, plate/bowl sizes, store food IN smaller cases
- "Baby step" expectations FOR meeting healthy goals?
- NON-FOOD ACHIEVEMENTS = I can achieve goals UNRELATED to food!
- Accept human frailty; MERCY
- HUMILITY! "I'm human"
- REALISTIC expectations; again, MERCY to self for struggle
- Control VIOLENCE; be KIND
- Criticize GENTLY, to GROW
- Holiness ≠ body shape
- Note little victories of virtue

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DYNAMIC: AUTONOMY & DIFFERENTIATION

- Seeing food/ eating as FUSION/ INVASION; hyperidentifying with associations & contexts
- "I AM NOT LIKE THEM"
- "I CHOOSE what goes into my body"
- "I WILL NOT eat what YOU eat" (trauma)

PROS of continuing:

- Sense of "self"
- Eating behaviors are MARKEDLY different from others, esp. abusers
- "Superhuman?" Hyperseparation; total rejection of similarity = no connection to abuser OR "risk of becoming them"

CONS of continuing:

- "Self" defined by FOOD and/ or BEHAVIORS
- Actual LACK of autonomy; slave to the E.D.
- Ironically FURTHER splitting into E.D. socials & food-anchor nousfoni (lotophagoi)
- "Dehumanized"; rejection of common behavior; so desperate to avoid trauma "bleedover" I end up pushing away more & more of life in fear

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- Learn BOUNDARIES?
- "Me time"; KNOW self (AND LIST QUALITIES OF)
- DISCERN & list differences between me & those we love
- FORGIVE!!! (MERCY)
- Re-associate trigger foods with HEALTHY, NICE people & events
- List all the ways we ARE different from abusers? HONEST FACTS; admit your flaws too and then WORK TO CHANGE
- They are one person; they do NOT have the power to change reality!!

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DYNAMIC: ATTACHMENT & SECURITY

- LACK of it in people; seeking it in FOOD
- "I WILL eat what you eat" (fawning/ codependence); Obsessively overeating "child foods" & "family favorites" / memory associations

PROS of continuing:

- E.D. "always there" to fall back on/ turn to as "reliable"
- Control & predictability gives "security" of routine and prevents "change"
- "Relive" precious, sparse memories of family; feel "connected to" their personalities; "get to know them"

CONS of continuing:

- Unable to change/ flow
- FEAR of the unknown; resistance to recovery
- Food replaces family; perpetual grieving; unwilling/ unable to move on from past; "this is all I have left"

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- RELIGION; GOD LOVES YOU. HE CANNOT CHANGE. THAT'S ULTIMATE SECURITY!
- Accepting that ALL earthly things CAN, DO, & MUST change; practice flow
- Watch old family movies?
- Look at old photos
- MOURN LOSS and TREASURE MEMORY but move forwards!!!
- CONNECT with other family!!!
- Remember: "the world is your ship, not your home"

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DYNAMIC: ISOLATION

- Behaviors could ONLY be totally performed in private
- Shame made me hide AND people withdrew in disgust or distress
- Avoid social eating= avoid social terror & overwhelm

PROS of continuing:

- Controlled environment
- "NON-INVASIVE" opportunity to eat
- Quiet, peace, SAFE
- Don't have to talk or perform

CONS of continuing:

- Derealization
- Increased feelings of "danger/ unsafe" when NOT isolated
- Feel "less than human" as it worsens; "unwanted; rejected"

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- SCHEDULE alone time!
- BALANCE alone time w/ social life
- Regularly spend OUTSIDE time in quiet places?
- Bring earplugs/ earmuffs?
- EXPRESS NEEDS to people

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DYNAMIC: CONFLICT AVOIDANCE

- Sought through isolation/ control
- "Can't decide the RIGHT food" = eat ALL OF IT or EAT NOTHING
- Also applies to "they said I MUST/ MUST NOT eat this"

PROS of continuing:

- Don't have to make divisive/ exclusive choices
- "Unobtrusive"; willing to do "whatever"; "preventing offense"

CONS of continuing:

- "FORCED" feeling AT ALL TIMES
- Perpetual dissonance
- Never able to make OWN choices OR have OWN opinions
- Always afraid of "offending" regardless

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- learn to WALK AWAY
- Be diplomatic
- Avoid combative people?

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DYNAMIC: OPPOSITION & ARGUMENT

- "Rejecting" others w/ food choices? = food decisions WEAPONIZED; starving is ULTIMATE opposition?? UNWILLING to argue verbally

PROS of continuing:

- Restricting/ purging as a way of "rejecting" bad feelings & frustration w/ argumentative situation
- Express drive to "oppose" without fighting or risking verbal altercations

CONS of continuing:

- Unhealthy in general
- Proud & stubborn
- SPITEFUL
- Doesn't accomplish anything

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- LEARN RESPECTFUL ASSERTIVENESS!
- Trauma therapy?
- XANGA SESSIONS??

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DYNAMIC: INDIVIDUALITY, IDENTITY, & SELF-WORTH

- E.D. fueled by LACK OF THESE
- Trying to either FIGURE OUT "own" food likes AS "identity" IN THE LACK OF OTHER MEANS??
- Reject food= invasion to "preserve identity"? / "I'm worthy of food" vs "UNWORTHY to live"

PROS of continuing:

- Form some sense of "identity" based on chosen hyperavoidance of food?
- "I deserve to enjoy things" despite empty life?
- "Discover" preferences?

CONS of continuing:

- E.D. NOTABLY developed to SMOTHER "self" when existence was intolerable
- Perpetuates feelings of unworthiness
- "Self" defined by food

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- "FIND/ REDISCOVER" self by OTHER MEANS: creative works ALLOWED!!!
- LET YOURSELF BE WEIRD
- EXPRESS your uniqueness

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DYNAMIC: MATURATION (BOTH DESIRE AND FEAR)

- Starving/ purging= NEVER GET BIG/ ROUND/ FAT "LIKE A WOMAN"
- Total rejection of sexuality; SAFE FROM SEXUAL ABUSE?

PROS of continuing:

- NO CYCLES
- NO CURVES
- HORMONAL SHUTDOWN
- "Stay prepubescent" in shape
- "Preserve innocence"; "food" = "violation"!!!

CONS of continuing:

- Doesn't erase trauma
- Literally impossible to ACTUALLY reverse puberty
- Constantly terrified of food and ALL weight gain

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- HRT?
- Find NONSEXUAL "female" role models? (EVEN "FICTIONAL")

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DYNAMIC: CAREGIVING (AND AVOIDING CARING FOR SELF)

- "Food = love" social problem
- I MISS COOKING FOR OTHERS and feel like "cooking only for me" is WRONG; avoid OR make TOO much

PROS of continuing:

- Allows for "going through the motions" of "caregiving" behaviors
- Focus on "eating to make other people happy"

CONS of continuing:

- Prevents me from ACTUALLY caring for other people
- "Limiting" definition of "care" to FOOD

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- Find someone TO care for??
- Practice REAL self-care; ACKNOWLEDGE NEEDS

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DYNAMIC: BEING CARED FOR

- Family used food as reward? Celebrations/ holidays/ esp. Also used BOTH food and lack thereof as PUNISHMENT; deeply confusing

PROS of continuing:

- "I won't burden anyone"
- Feel like I am a "good girl"
- Sense of "I must have done something TO deserve food"
- "Fills void" in the absence of caregivers

CONS of continuing:

- Neglects or "usurps" ACTUAL self-care needs
- "I can do this alone" perpetuation
- Unmet needs STILL LOUD
- denies loneliness

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- SELFCARE!!
- Go OUT to eat??
- Spend time w/ church "family"
- Spend time w/ mom?? 

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