prismaticbleed | UPMC journal 100922 (Reply)

The bulimia-trigger of "sensory deprivation"-- which I'm experiencing right now-- is MORE COMPLEX than we realized. I feel:
+ EXHAUSTED mentally; barely any strength to read. Writing is a bit easier as it mandates depersonalization & allows some relief,but the very act of writing/ penmanship tires me out. Typing is best; it's minimal effort AND allows for realtime emotion expression & processing (writing does NOT; it's too slow & arduous-- although SOME nousfoni CAN & DO speak through it.)
+ FRUSTRATED at "no non-exhausting" options at hand for mental destressing/ positivity; it's ALL writing & reading
+ LOST at the dearth of options, unfamiliar environment, inability TO do anything on own?
+ UPSET at "negativity focus" of groups; talking about anger, and how we experience it-- made me feel wrong & dirty to remember/ speak
+ ANGRY at "secular psychology" & people resisting treatment in little ways (externalized guilt/ shame) like fidgeting & refusing foods?
+ UNCOMFORTABLE with heat, sweater/ pants texture & mugginess, body illness & discomfort
+ SCARED at "interim" feeling; "no direction"-- want to do concrete future planning, but head too exhausted? Also scared of sick feelings.
And I'm wondering, how to cope in realtime? What helps or doesn't?
+ Cold, smooth tabletop on bare arms is INSTANTLY soothing; reminds me of Saint John's church
+ "Lightly scratching" my hands with the mechanical pencil tip (not lead) is very soothing too, & helps diminish emotional intensity
+ SELF TO SELF CONTACT (rubbing hands, fingers, nail scratching, hair pulls, etc.) MAKE IT WORSE!!! ALL MY WORST TRAUMA IS BODY-BASED, so when I'm in emotional distress, ANY & ALL "physical contact" is SCARY, DISTURBING, & THREATENING.
+ Weirdly, my brain ACTUALLY seems to want PUZZLES?? Certain kinds, specifically!! They would need to be "active" & fully "engageable"? Like, jigsaw puzzles feel "too slow," like writing, & word searches require too much "thought labor" when I'm this distressed. BUT my brain is gravitating towards certain VIDEO GAMES? Ones with STRUCTURE & PUZZLE-SOLVING & FORWARD MOVEMENT? Like Klonoa, Sonic, Zelda, AND the old Math/ Reading Blasters??? It's fascinating. Old school "sidescrollers" do appeal to this, conceptually. Try stuff out-- we HAVE emulators on our phone, which can INSTANTLY start a game without booting up!
+ No idea if movies would help, as they're NON-ENGAGING. They don't seem prudent for DISTRESS coping.
+ Instant mood boost: SCENTS. Nice soaps, spices, peppermint, etc. can ALL soothe my mind; just USE OUR OWN, the ones we KNOW are nice-- no store gambling! (We should get a few wax cubes?) Be prudent; don't hoard. ONLY get the BEST.