100624

[prismaticbleed]

✳ "FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE" in light of our intrusive judgmental/ critical thoughts = WHAT triggers frustration? = DISSONANCE between "IDEAL & REALITY"; perception of an OBSTACLE between "GOAL" & current position; feeling "STUCK, HELPLESS, INADEQUATE," etc. "Trying to peel a potato with a spoon" sense of "NO APPARENT PROGRESS/ SOLUTION"? Basically a "FIGHT" response to "POWERLESSNESS"; a "STUBBORN RESISTANCE" to "WHAT I DON'T WANT/ LIKE" = NO CONTROL = AFRAID.
✳ Virtues that DEFUSE/ TRANQUILIZE frustration = TRUST, EMPATHY, PATIENCE, SURRENDER
✳ GOD IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE -- AND CANNOT BE; You can only COOPERATE!
✳ THERE IS NOTHING "EVIL" OR "BAD" OR SHAMEFUL OR SINFUL ABOUT SHARING IN/ PARTICIPATING IN GOD'S JOY IN HIS GOOD GIFTS/ CELEBRATING THE BEAUTY & WONDER OF HIS CREATION!! (JOY is OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!) (GOD DELIGHTS IN WHAT HE MADE = YOU SHOULD TOO)

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✳ This is so new & unusual. I kind of feel like crying from wonder, maybe even relief. I ACTUALLY LIKE SANDWICHES. I actually LIKE ENGLISH MUFFINS & DINNER ROLLS WITH BUTTER. I actually LIKE APPLES & COTTAGE CHEESE & FLOUNDER & GYROS & POTATOES & VANILLA ICE CREAM. It feels SO DARING & even SCARY TO ENJOY it all, but man I DO. I CAN CELEBRATE THE GOODNESS & WONDER OF GOD'S GIFT OF FOOD. HE WANTS ME TO. YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS because it's ACTUALLY AT THE HEART OF YOUR BEING ABLE TO FULLY LIVE YOUR FAITH & PURPOSE. FOOD is LIFE, LOVE, SELFGIFT, & LITERAL COMMUNION. FOOD IS FROM EDEN. It is PART of HEAVEN. We KEEP REMINDING YOU OF THIS because it's GOOD & BEAUTIFUL & TRUE & you MUST TRULY & COMPLETELY ACCEPT & EMBRACE IT AS YOUR "CORE BELIEF." The "fear of enjoyment" is TOTALLY DISTORTED AND IS KEEPING YOU OUT OF HEAVEN in a VERY DISTURBINGLY REAL WAY!!!

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✳ Other patients KEEP COMPLAINING ABOUT MEALPLANS, notably "WANTING EXTRA FOOD" & "PORTIONS BEING TOO SMALL" & "EATING THE WAY I WANT" etc. and it's honestly making me feel HUMILIATED. I realized, listening to this talk & being legitimately upset & "depressed" over how "rebellious" & "self-centered" & "stubborn" it was, that IT UPSETS/ ANGERS/ DEPRESSES me because THAT'S HOW I'VE BEEN ACTING. I've BEEN trying to get extra food by asking for additions to my mealpaper, or asking for larger portions/ questioning the size of the portions I got. I've been ACTIVELY BINGEING "IN SECRET" by overloading my mealplan exchanges. I've been "REBELLING AGAINST" and ACTUALLY DISOBEYING MY TREATMENT PLAN with these behaviors. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I WANT to be HUMBLE & TEMPERATE & OBEDIENT & GRATEFUL. I'm so sick of the complaining. I WANT to ACCEPT & EAT WHATEVER I GET with GRATEFUL JOY. I want to be GRATEFUL IN "LESS" because it HELPS ME BE GRATEFUL/ TEMPERATE. It COMBATS GREED/ ENTITLEMENT/ INGRATITUDE. I'm so tired of the rebellious grumbling, IN MYSELF as much as in others. I want us ALL to be virtuous here. I hear those words & see my own behavior and it's just SO DISORDERED & RIGID & SAD. It's LIBERATING to be ABLE to ACCEPT & GIVE SINCERE & HAPPY THANKS for WHATEVER GOD GIVES YOU. I pray He continues to lead us ALL to LIVE IN THAT BLESSED SPACE.

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8PM snack gave me a choice between RICE KRISPY & TINY CHOCCHIP COOKIES. Again, the RAW "FEAR" was "BETRAYING GRANDMA" because of what they CALL the cookies. BUT we wondered, what if we said the Rice Krispy was "MOM'S"? And lo & behold, the resulting PANICKED INDECISION was INCAPACITATING. We COULDN'T choose because BOTH choices "REQUIRED" REJECTING A LOVED ONE. We FROZE. BUT, again, if we REMOVED the family associations, that fear DISAPPEARED INSTANTLY & ENTIRELY. 
...All that was left was "CHOCOLATE COMPULSION." Basically, a compulsive "craving" with NO discernible reason, ALTHOUGH it was ALSO IN CONFLICT with "I DON'T LIKE CHOCOLATE" as a LONG-HELD "BELIEF," which ITSELF is IN CONFLICT with "WE HAVE TO LIKE IT" "because MOM/ "EVERYBODY" does"/ "it's associated with holidays we cherish"/ "it's supposed to boost endorphins" etc. "so we HAVE to eat it" almost like a DRUG. BUT do we REALLY "WANT" IT? DO WE "LIKE" IT in TRUTH or NOT? Do we "HAVE TO/ THINK WE DO" like it because MOM & GRANDMA BAKED THEM & SO NOT liking chocolate chip cookies IN GENERAL is STILL seen as BETRAYAL? because a chocolate BAR would NOT elicit this response!! THAT would trigger the FEAR/ DISGUST response associated with REAL MEMORIES OF HACKS & PURGES & MANIA & ILLNESS. AND YET, THIS DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY "PING" with the COOKIES. It's ALL CONTEXT. STILL. Which is BOTH FRUSTRATING & FASCINATING. So, NEXT time, we SHOULD try the chocolate chip cookies, WITH this paradox in mind, & SEE/ FEEL WHAT IS TRIGGERED OR NOT. But... we can't JUST "experiment" & explore. We HAVE to do it FOR A PURPOSE, which is COMPLETELY "UPROOTING" THE COMPULSIONS & FEARS, and DISCERNING our REAL, REASONABLE RESPONSE so we CAN FREELY choose TO eat it or NOT, and NOT "PANIC/ DOUBT" over "choosing WRONG." I'm SO TIRED of "MORAL PANIC" over food. Remember what our nutritionist taught us! Remember what we JUST WROTE ABOUT. ALL FOOD DOES NOURISH YOUR BODY, AND "ENJOYMENT" IS AN IMPORTANT & EVEN ESSENTIAL PART OF EATING, BY GOD'S GOOD DESIGN!!! So YES, it IS ALLOWED & LEGITIMATE to eat a food "SOLELY" TO ENJOY IT. THAT CAN BE AN ACT OF WORSHIP, GIVING PRAISE & THANKS TO GOD & CELEBRATING HIS CREATION! Still, TEMPERANCE is needed, because FOOD ISN'T ULTIMATE HAPPINESS, only a "FORETASTE" of the FEAST of HEAVEN, so we MUST set our deepest desires & hopes THERE. Yes, enjoy your food for God's literal sake, but DON'T seek ALL your joy from it (ESPECIALLY when depression numbs everything else), and DON'T "OVERINDULGE" (even/ especially when you DON'T enjoy it) because that's DISRESPECTFUL to ITS PURPOSE AS FOOD, and to your habits of virtue (self-control)!! It's a BALANCE of LOVE. Listen, if BEING A CHRISTIAN means LIVING IN LOVE, then THAT INCLUDES EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE, INCLUDING FOOD, and again I MUST emphasize the EUCHARIST. If you see food as something "threatening" or solely as "fun," or even something "to be destroyed," then in a disturbing sense you're DISPOSING YOURSELF TO SACRILEGE. Please remember this. Food is a GIFT to be CHERISHED for GOD'S sake & glory. That INCLUDES chocolate. ...AND rice krispy for the record. IT'S NOT A WAR! They're BOTH GOOD. There's NO "WRONG" CHOICE, WHEN YOU CHOOSE WITH GRATEFUL LOVE. The ONLY "wrong" thing is FEAR & HATRED. Avoid those by God's grace, and YOU'RE OKAY.

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btw MY DEAR ORANGE GIRLFRIEND WAS ON TV TODAY ♥