therapy, 090216

[prismaticbleed]

therapy today:

mom came with us. this is fine; we love her and we all agreed on this. she has data we don't and talks better and is basically a huge help towards the "external life aspect" of therapy that we, personally, tend to struggle with greatly (being so acutely internal).

main topics:
1. eating disorder issue: origins, current symptoms, how to treat
2. were you abused, when did it start, basically "what the heck happened as you've never talked about it." mom assumed a lot and it was entirely false but it at least helped us see what she thought initially, and allowed us to clarify things in a more step-by-step manner in that respect.

nevertheless, despite those being the focus, branched topics were all over the place because we literally closed our eyes for the whole session and let our mom talk for most of it at first, then just responded as needed AND SWITCHED AS NEEDED (which we can do if we are in such a "detached" state) which allowed a lot of honesty. so if something came up, it came up. nothing was censored, we wanted to make progress here just as much as everyone else.

as a result of the standby mode + switching madly on the downstairs level, I can't say what happened for most of it, but rest assured it was VERY productive and informative for everyone.

the eating disorder topic hurt to hear mom describe, because it was an outline of all the "bad stuff" that we hate, and are ashamed of, and want to stop but don't know how yet (or at least, didn't quite then).

that segued into a RELIGIOUS discussion briefly, not sure how, but there was a lot of talk about "feeling spiritually filthy" AND "spiritually empty" and, most importantly, "never feeling close enough to God," and how THAT was the ultimate "wound" that the eating disorder was trying and failing miserably to bandage up.

somehow we ended up discussing the "I need someone to hit me if they love me" thing, tied to "retribution=forgiveness" and the childhood fear of "if I'm not punished, it means they don't care about my soul, and I'll NEVER be forgiven" etc. all tied to laurie and the retributors, all discussed so much in the past, still terribly relevant.
but I'm glad it was brought up again because our mother thought we were trying to "make her hit us" as TRICKERY to get her in legal trouble??? which is bizarre, so I'm glad that someone inside was at least able to defend our real motives there.

there was a lot of religious discussion concerning that-- guilt, and shame, and "feeling filthy," and "never feeling holy enough," and "I'm a stain on the world" and "I cannot forgive myself" et cetera. all the very wretched and excruciating thoughts that have been running on constant aching loop in our heart and head for months now, louder than ever, but which originated in childhood. it's at the root of so much self-abusive behavior… just this awful self-destructive hope of sorts, that divinely inspired despair at realizing how dirty your temple of a body is, and wanting to tear it to shreds and rebuild it totally anew to finally be worthy of God… but getting tangled in the tar-thick feelings of mortification and self-hatred and rage and despair. ugly ugly stuff, and like I said, it feeds every bit of abusive behavior we've ever had, I think.

mom started to cry a little at some point and then stuff got twice as interesting.

immediately, THE "RAGE" alter fronted, like a freight train. she's partly internal so she has a KICK when she fronts and it opened our consciousness a bit too.
but, she was actually hurting the body as a way of trying to reroute the "rage" at seeing mom cry? punching, biting, pulling hair. growling, voice a loud harsh bark, almost hyperventilating from overwhelm. she said she was furious-- but not at mom!! she was mad THAT she was crying. she blamed herself, it was all GUILT. she felt dirty/angry/wrong, it was unbearable, and so she was REROUTING that by "punishing" herself? that plus the pain took away the anger towards mom, and allowed her to "let her cry." otherwise, 'rage' wanted to hurt mom? to make her stop crying instead? bizarre. very important though; did we ever fully discuss why that happens? check!

at this, the therapist said, you need a better way to let the anger out. rage said "I don't know how," response was try CRAYONS. we said yes, please, but she only had markers & chunky colored pencils. we said "those are the wrong texture," but we would try the pencils (markers are too smooth, they don't "do" rage). however, when we got them the anger had faded to anxiety as we were now obsessing over colors in the absence of correct visceral texture. the rage wasn't quite black, or red, or yellow-- and it wasn't blue, that was a sort of sadness, but not quite. at this the therapist said, "less thinking, more doing." so instinctively, we felt that the only real way to "let the emotion out" PROPERLY was through forgetting color entirely and going for FEELING. so RAZOR CAME OUT, flipped the pencil around, and just "cut" the paper with the blunt end of it (she started with black, then switched to red). she was TALKING while she did this, totally calm, saying she "does this all day inside," and it "makes her happy." said she didn't understand anger or sadness that the other people felt, but she knew it was there. notably she did ask knife "can I talk?" at first, wasn't sure if it was safe and/or proper.

KNIFE fronted on her heels to talk a bit, I think in response to something the mother asked? said he wasn't angry at people who cry-- he empathized, and wanted to "comfort" them ("that's what pink people do"). mentioned the children feeling such infinite sadness, how we couldn't cry because it either didn't stop (when they did) or it was "fake" (when tears were expressed by someone who wasn't meant to cry? like a manic social).

at some point, the rage alter came out again and the therapist said "just listen to me one second," to which rage said "I can't, but someone else can." so, cognizant of her own failing, she bravely (but difficultly!) stepped out, let go of that anger, and who stepped in but LYNNE! so she took a deep breath (the body was quite shaken I recall) and listened. I don’t know to what, but I'm so glad she's still acting as the "stabilizer" she was initially born to be.


the biggest thing about therapy?
we have a game plan now.
we're getting a FEEDING TUBE.
yes that's a bit major, but THANK GOD, because it's exactly what we need right now. our body is obviously nutrient starved-- emotions are a mess, we can't think straight, we can't ever eat enough but are always hungry physically and psychologically… and the physical symptoms are a whole other scary list on their own. but right now, medically, our body CANNOT eat the food it needs to get enough nutrients. we have too many limitations, and then psychosomatically, too many foods are dangerous and/or unverified medical problems (like nuts & seeds). so it's a real hellish struggle every day, and it's just making us sick and miserable, and quite frankly the feeding tube will be a gift from God in the respect that it will:
1. give us those nutrients,
2. without having to obsess miserably over food, AND
3. therefore removing the hours of abusive prep time/ purging/ etc. of the eating disorder hell.
plus we'll probably get a few bonus days in the hospital to get it in/ adjust, which is great because our June hospital visit was shockingly recuperative and spiritually powerful and Pax was born there for heaven's sakes. we've always been fond of hospitals, but that was our first overnight stay, and we honestly would not mind another one (and may even need one right now).

there's only one concern about this tube really:
we're afraid of the "void" that rears its head when we don’t eat.
like the sad alter said (jess?), the eating disorder itself is a rerouting. it's NOT the real issue. it's a shoddy attempt at covering up a wound. if we didn't eat, we'd be doing something else just as repetitive and abusive and time-consuming: like locking ourself in the bathroom and cutting our hair and skin and nails and everything for hours (which we have done; the sensory aspect is just like the purging). so you see it's just a like locking ourself in the bathroom and cutting our hair and skin and nails and everything for hours (which we have done; the sensory aspect is just like the purging). so you see it's just a symptom of a larger issue. it's a distraction, something akin to physiological "noise" to drown out whatever is lurking in the silence.

I forget how therapy ended; I think we just reiterated points like the above… but all I know is, for whatever reason, as it wound down, jay came out, quietly.

and jay noticed razor's paper on the couch, and his heart kind of melted with an ache; he picked it up gently, and softly said, "she's never done anything like that before… this means a lot to me."
and then he reached into our bag, to put it away, and he opened up the folder.
the red one, with hearts on it, and all our pictures and handwriting inside it.
and he started sobbing.
he covered his face with it and hugged it and just wept. the therapist asked what was going on, and he said,
"this is it. this is what we're missing. this is what belongs in the void we're trying to fill.”

…

somewhere along the line, we internalized this idea that "if someone is suffering more than we are, we don't deserve to be happy as that's abusive and selfish. we need to make ourselves suffer just as much."
motives may be good, but really, how is total self-destruction going to help that other person suffering? empathy won't give them food or shelter or clothing or love. it'll just make you too damn tired and sick and weak TO help them with those actual needs.
it's twisted, and we NEED to untangle and soothe it, but that's a process. we'll work on it.

and the key word is always "we."
WE ARE JOY. the very realization of our collective existence, the instant tapping-into of it, is bliss. we feel complete, we feel alive. we become able to dream again, the future opens up into a kaleidoscope of doors and windows, we learn how to hope…
none of that is possible if WE don't exist. all good things require our multiplicity.
happiness is absolutely on that list.

somewhere along the line, that "I must suffer" mindset decided that burying and suppressing our multiplicity was somehow both "a proper sacrifice" and "a way to suffer intensely." I think the former was "because our multiplicity is too weird/ an inconvenience/ misunderstood/ etc. and therefore by trying to murder it, I'll make other people happy!" and in the process, if you were spiritually bleeding, all the better, right?
no. no no no no no.
you've got it all wrong.
NO GOOD HAS EVER BEEN ACCOMPLISHED BY ABANDONING OUR MULTIPLE IDENTITY.
suppressing "us" has ONLY EVER HURT OURSELF AND OTHERS.

do you see??

JOY IS A VIRTUE. and a very important one too.
our existence is joyful. it's healthy, and LOVING, and full of faith and hope and charity.
we take care of ourself and we take care of others and we are GOOD PEOPLE.

by turning that off… what do you hope to accomplish?
you're just afraid, afraid of "hurting people by being an abnormal freak," when you poor thing, if you'd just pause and look at the big picture you'd see that you never hurt anyone with being a multiple system, you only hurt people by IGNORING IT.
all the abusive alters? they ignore and deny the system.
all the lost and damaged alters? they ignore and deny the system.
all those people you're afraid of offending by "being a freak?" honestly if they're thinking of you AS a "freak" I wouldn't lose any sleep over whether or not you're "hurting their feelings." if they would judge you so harshly, if they would deny you compassion and any attempt at understanding or care, then "hurting their feelings" is playing to their judgment, NOT any sort of genuine concern for your spiritual well-being. and if that IS their concern, explain to them how our multiple state PRESERVES our spiritual well-being!! you can do that!

I'm talking too much, I'm sorry.

the ultimate message here:
we're allowed to be happy and healthy.
being happy and healthy will allow us to take better care of others.
we CANNOT take proper care of others if we are denying ourself sleep, health, and happiness.
if you would deny yourself those things, some part of your subconscious is going to have no qualms denying those things to others.

you are not whole if you won't acknowledge your whole.

do you understand?

we are joyful, together. forgive yourself. allow yourself to participate in that. I guarantee you, the wound will heal. it will take time, but it will heal.
hurts heal faster in loving company, too.


we'll survive this, if we admit that we want to survive (we do), and we are allowed to have that happiness (we are).
a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
so stop stuffing yourself under a bushel basket.

let yourself be warm and bright, and then share that exuberance with everyone you meet.
you can't give what you don't have.

open your heart and let the light flow in.
you can't help but radiate, when it does.

we'll be okay.