the spectrum heart cathedral system

THOUGHTS affect our BEHAVIORS & EMOTIONS. What we THINK affects how we act & feel.
BEHAVIORS affect our THOUGHTS & EMOTIONS. What we DO affects how we think & feel.
EMOTIONS affect our THOUGHTS & BEHAVIORS. What we FEEL affects what we think & do.

★ Thoughts = Cool tones? // Emotions = Warm tones? // Behaviors = Neutral tones?

★ THOUGHTS ARE NOT OBJECTIVELY FAULTLESS!! THEY CAN BE FALSE, TOXIC, DISTORTED, ETC.! THEY CAN ALSO BE ILLOGICAL!!
★ We don't seem to know many thought-based nousfoni??? LOOK FOR THEM! They're probably ANCIENT

★ EMOTIONS are INHERENTLY TIED TO THOUGHTS! As most nousfoni we deal with are EMOTION-ANCHORED, that means their ULTIMATE roots are THOUGHTS!!! That is a GAME CHANGER!!!
★ many Brown nousfoni fall under RED/ ORANGE and THAT'S why they are so volatile & emotional???

★ Besides achromes, do some "pastels" hold "behavior" functions, if this color theory is correct? Could THEY be beneficial SOCIALS???
★ "WISE MIND" nousfoni are FUSION HUES like PURPLE!!!


"If you let your negative thoughts go unchallenged, then you will begin to feel negative emotions."
+ THAT is why we MUST fill our thoughts with the Word of God!!

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THOUGHT RECORDS

(originally written in realtime, as far as possible.)

SITUATION / EVENT = What was going on? Where were you? Who was there?
THOUGHTS = What went through your mind? How much did you believe those thoughts (0-100)?
FEELINGS / EMOTIONS = What emotions did you experience? How intense was each emotion (0-100)?
BEHAVIOR = How did you act? What did you do?

(092122)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Writing about lunch experience mistakes in journal
+ Alone, at unit table

THOUGHTS =
+ "I keep making such foolish decisions without thinking" (100)
+ "Why am I so ruled by compulsion and emotions?" (90)
+ I feel like I'm inherently broken" (70)

EMOTIONS =
+ Shame (100)
+ Anger (50)
+ Despair (30)
+ Numb (20)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Mood started to drop
+ Feeling self-loathing


#2

SITUATION =
+ Blood pressure taken by Chris w/ beard
+ IMMEDIATELY after journaling

THOUGHTS =
+ "I hope I'm being socially proper/ nice/ friendly/ agreeable/ entertaining enough"
+ He seems OK with us; I guess I'm not that bad after all"

EMOTIONS =
+ Happy (50)
+ Dissociated (60)
+ Anxious (30)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Smile
+ Forgot about problems
+ "Social mode"


#3

SITUATION =
+ Chris left, bluntly, after getting our blood sugar
+ We tried to sound like we were "knowledgeable"; mimicking his speech

THOUGHTS =
+ "Why can't I keep my dumbass mouth shut" (100)
+ "Stop being so proud & a kissass" (100)
+ "I hate how I act around people" (100)

EMOTIONS =
+ Anger (70)
+ AWFUL SHAME & humiliation (100)
+ Self-loathing (90)
+ Fear of rejection & disdain/ judgment (90)
+ Self-harm thoughts (60)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Wanted to hide away & dissociate
+ Wanted to ignore world


#4

SITUATION =
+ dinner out on the unit
+ person SCREAMING psychotically in adjacent ward like our brother used to
+ at table alone, with nurse & two other patients across room

THOUGHTS =
+ "That sounds just like our brother"
+ "God help that poor person"
+ "I'm scared of what this is making me remember"
+ "I feel unsafe"
+ "They can't hurt me though; they don't even know I'm here"

EMOTIONS =
+ Terror (85)
+ Panic (50)
+ Pity (80)
+ Fear (90)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Tried not to focus on it
+ Deep breathing
+ Closed eyes
+ Reminding myself "they can't get in here, they can't get at me"
+ Tried to stay grounded


(092622)

#1

SITUATION =
+ got a fluid tracking sheet as I went over the limit once
+ sitting at table, doing solo work
+ staff member walked up and gave it unannounced

THOUGHTS =
+ "I just won't drink ANY water then"
+ "I can't forgive myself for being so stupid & arrogantly thinking "I'd be fine" with drinking all that water last week"
+ "They'll never forget this. I'll never be forgiven."
+ "I feel SO ashamed & condemned/ humiliated"

EMOTIONS =
+ SHAME (100)
+ Despair (90)
+ Self-loathing (100)
+ Anger (85)
+ Sadness; disappointed (90)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Withdrew into self
+ Hid paper
+ Terrified TO drink water
+ Gave up hope of improvement


#2

SITUATION =
+ Art/ music group
+ At table, alone
+ Staff & patients nearby in room

THOUGHTS =
+ "Oh no, they're playing MORE triggering songs"
+ "I CANNOT cope with this"
+ "I'll never be able to get over this; it's too unavoidable & intense"
+ "I'm so scared; I want to run & hide"
+ "Why am I SO strongly disturbed by SOUNDS & music?"

EMOTIONS =
+ ABSOLUTE PANIC (100)
+ Terror/ dread (100)
+ Hatred (90)
+ Rage/ violence (80)
+ Despair/ hopeless (100)
+ Existential panic (100)
+ Self-hatred (95)
+ Numbness (90)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Want to throw up
+ Want to scream & sob
+ Want to run away & hide
+ Want to break the guitar
+ Want to die so I can be safe/ free
+ Shaking & dissociating
+ Hate self for being like this
+ Trying not to meltdown
+ Writing this so I can dissociate a bit


#3

SITUATION =
+ asked for milk option; chose a BIG fear food
+ Alone at table
+ Staff member asking
+ Art group nearby

THOUGHTS =
+ "I MUST stop being a coward & pick that fear food already"
+ "CHOCOLATE IS A SEX FOOD + TRAUMA"
+ "CHOCOLATE WILL KILL YOU + INFECT YOU"

EMOTIONS =
+ GUILT (100)
+ Self-hatred (1000)
+ Self-disgust (100)
+ Fear for life (90)
+ PANIC (100)
+ Despair (100)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Told myself I HAD to face it or it'd haunt me FOREVER as that "unconquered fear"
+ Almost died BUT I DRANK IT


(102122)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Asked for milk option; chose the EASY/ USUAL option
+ Alone at table
+ Staff member asking
+ Other patients just resting nearby

THOUGHTS =
+ "I don't know if I can handle that challenge today; I'm a bit stressed"
+ "YOU COWARD"
+ "STOP CHICKENING OUT AND FACE YOUR FEARS"

EMOTIONS =
+ RAGE (100)
+ Shame (100)
+ Guilt (100)
+ Anxiety (100)
+ (all this together was bad enough to make me shake)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Sat there & shook with anxious fear & guilty shame-panic for a few minutes
+ Decided I couldn't cope with the guilt; got up, went to staff, & picked the chocolate milk


#2

SITUATION =
+ Talking to nutritionist; mealplan increased; could choose either an extra CS or Ensure at each meal. Chose Ensure, then changed mind & chose CS. REGRETTED THIS.
+ In room with nutritionist & student assistant

THOUGHTS =
+ "Ensure will add sugar to EVERY meal, AND I'm still afraid it's "poison" from past illness"
+ "BUT an extra CS feels like gluttony/ binges"
+ "YOU F*CKING COWARD!!!"
+ "STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM SUGAR!"

EMOTIONS =
+ ABSOLUTE WRATH (1000)
+ PANIC (100)
+ Regret (100)
+ Guilt (100)
+ Shame (100)
+ LEGIT BLINDING INTENSITY

BEHAVIOR =
+ Freaked out at table; couldn't calm down
+ Got up & went to room; SELF-ABUSED!!!
+ Too angry to even let myself cry; did try
+ Staff came in; I told them the problem
+ Decided to stick it out until Monday, then tell team


(102322)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Before bed, looked at body in bathroom mirror; noticed the stomach is getting rounder & abdomen is thicker/ wider
+ In bathroom by my room
+ Alone

THOUGHTS =
+ "TBAS's body looks like this"
+ "It looks so feminine now; it's disgusting; it's so foreign & wrong"
+ "I don't want to look like a woman"
+ "I'm scared; is this my life now?"
+ "I look JUST LIKE my abusers now"

EMOTIONS =
+ DISGUST (100)
+ FEAR (100)
+ DESPAIR (100)
+ numb (90)
+ shame (90)
+ anger (80)

BEHAVIOR =
+ So disturbed & frightened that I went numb & dissociated HARD
+ Couldn't pull myself together; nearly forgot how to brush teeth
+ Kept having flashbacks; gave in to despair
+ Went to bed, feeling hollow & hopeless


(102422)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Kelsey asked for lunch exchanges; chose the HARD milk option, BUT chose an "easy" CS instead of "too much dessert" OR the suspectedly "self-abusive" Doritos
+ Alone at table
+ Art group nearby

THOUGHTS =
+ "Doritos will just spike my panic right now"
+ "Am I doing the wrong/ cowardly thing by NOT choosing Doritos again?"
+ "Dad ALWAYS serves crisps with burgers; this is good loving practice for THAT"
+ "Is choosing the easier option going to make me a runaway coward again?"

EMOTIONS =
+ Confusion (80)
+ Anxiety (90)
+ Shame (70)
+ Worry (95)
+ Hope (80)
+ Frustration (80)
+ Struggling to ALLOW choices that AREN'T blatantly stressful

BEHAVIOR =
+ Asked for reassurance on choice
+ Explained the motives of my choice & doubts as to their validity if they weren't a "challenge"
+ DIDN'T BEAT MYSELF UP!
+ Didn't fall into a second-guessing spiral!

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THOUGHT RECORD ASSESSMENT

Do you see any themes of patterns? Are there thoughts that appear many times?

LOTS of guilt/ shame, terror, rage, panic, humiliation, despair, self-hatred. OVERWHELM. Extreme emotional "yo-yo"-ing, catastrophizing, "perfectionistic" expectations-- things "only exist AS absolutes." Lack of self-integrity & stability; shutdown/ dissociation under stress. UNFORGIVING of own errors/ bad choices; "defining" self AS improper/ unwise decisions/ reactions.

How do I seem to see, or define myself?

Foolish, ignorant, helpless, "ruled by emotion," proud, "a kissass," "not nice enough," violent, manipulative, "socially unacceptable," "unwanted/ improper/ disgusting," constantly in danger, stupid, blind, uncaring, unforgivable, condemned, cowardly, hypocritical, cruel, selfish, "INHERENTLY BROKEN/ UNFIXABLE," BAD

How does this make me feel about myself?

Disgusted, hopeless, furious, HATEFUL. I have SO MANY OBJECTIVELY HARMFUL/ OFFENSIVE QUALITIES that WON'T GO AWAY, it seems IMPOSSIBLE to even TRY to "be good"; I'd just be a LIAR/ HYPOCRITE by "pretending NOT to be evil." I see myself as INHERENTLY, UNFIXABLY "BAD." And the worst part is I DON'T WANT TO BE, but I feel damned & stuck. It makes me suicidal on the worst days.

What assumptions might I have about other people & relationships?

Relationships can ONLY be "abusive" or toxic, BECAUSE OF ME. I ALWAYS damage/ abuse the other person until they hate me (rightfully) & cut off all contact. Relationships "only occur because you're trying to USE/ GET SOMETHING FROM the other person, by dishonestly "grooming" them to like you, blinding them to your corrupt motives & hidden cruel/ cold heart." OBJECTIFICATION!

How do these assumptions make me feel about other people & relationships?

Paradoxically, I WANT a relationship TO dote on someone & love them & live entirely for them, BUT THEY never want to meet that symbiotic yearning. They have "other interests" and I just become unwanted/ abusive from trying. I CANNOT "end a relationships" as I NEVER WANT TO so I get stuck even if they cast me off and/or neglect/ use me? I feel like a monster, bleeding them dry. BUT!!! I ALSO AVOID GENERAL SOCIAL INTERACTION because relationships are INHERENTLY INTIMATE & TOTAL; therefore ALL "casual interaction" is VIOLATION, abusive & terrifying & demanding ALL of me to be met with blithe emptiness. I LOSE MYSELF and CANNOT cope with the unrequited totality, OR the intensity OF giving it without intimacy? WHICH I STILL FEAR in those casual situations BECAUSE OF "ABSOLUTES"-- if they're NOT close NOW, then ALL "closeness" with them IS HOLLOW & FEELS LIKE RAPE.

How have your core beliefs & schemas influenced you (emotionally, physically, behaviorally, & socially)?

E= Chronic depression & rage; self-hatred; moral panic; no hope for real change; POLAR EXTREME emotional intensity
P= Isolating; want to "get rid of myself" (starving); self-abuse; wanting to be weak/ sedated/ "HARMLESS"
B= Perfectionistic people-pleasing; violently lashing out; try too hard OR give up; "good girl OR bad girl" (no middle ground)?
S= Avoiding all social interaction WHILE desperately WANTING to be superclose to people; either doting on or ignoring/ either adoring or resenting; "ALL OR NOTHING"

In what ways will you be more aware of your beliefs & schemas? What effect will this have?

Apparently, EVERYTHING is "black & white" for me. I need to learn HOW to see "gray" WITHOUT destroying my already-damaged moral compass.
★ I CANNOT "BE GOOD" IF I SEE MYSELF AS "IRREDEEMABLY BAD" & "UNFIXABLE; INHERENTLY BROKEN"-- and these two beliefs HAVE BEEN MADE UNTRUE BY THE DEATH OF CHRIST!!! His Cross CAN SAVE EVEN ME.

Identify some cognitive distortions in your thought record and list them.

- Only focusing on the bad
- Insisting that I, or something external, "must" or "should" be/ not be a certain way
- Assuming a catastrophic outcome (Negative consequence avalanches)
- Absolute self-judgments & condemnations
- Assuming I know how/ what others think
- Assuming that if I feel anxious I MUST be in trouble/ guilty
- Assuming that if I do/ don't do a certain action, a certain consequence WILL happen

What is the emotional affect these cognitive distortions have on you?

They make me MISERABLE! I feel incapable of doing well OR being good, causing despair/ self-hatred/ moral panic. I feel like I'm doomed to failure/ offense. I assume everyone is "secretly loathing me"? I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'm paranoid, desperate, anxious, irritable, & cynical. I'm UNABLE TO "BE MYSELF" AT ALL! My emotions get STUCK in a negative tunnel-vision loop and eventually may numb out altogether, AND/OR EXPLODE.

How do these cognitive distortions affect your behavior?

I get VERY paranoid, rigid, & CONTROLLING, as well as perfectionistic? I try to "guess" EVERY possible threat, expectation, consequence, & obligation. I close out the world to avoid the constant stress. I dissociate & depersonalize, and resort to fawning & self-abuse. I avoid risks, I reject positivity, I procrastinate, I blameshift, etc. I'm a mess. I cannot think straight, and I CANNOT distinguish myself as a person! I'm a ball of nerves & rage & tears, and I CAN'T FUNCTION. (If I feel trapped/ threatened enough, I can ALSO give in to a blind reactive VIOLENCE.)

How do these cognitive distortions affect your sense of self?

It DESTROYS all sense of self, in truth-- I instead see "myself" as ONLY a conglomeration of "bad things," of sins & failures & offenses. I have NO "unique qualities," no goals or dreams, no hopes or interests-- the distortions turn me into a hollow "survival machine" seeing danger at every turn, yet "incapable of doing anything right." I feel DOOMED and therefore ALL "identity" is rejected & destroyed, except FOR anything destructive!! It's lethally ironic-- I BECOME" the distortions & disorder, once they "smother" everything of ME.

How do these cognitive distortions affect your relationships?

I can't maintain any, and WON'T make any. The distortions wrongly assume that EVERYONE is "abusive," in essence-- that they are constantly monitoring & judging my behavior, hate me/ are disgusted by me/ WILL punish or hurt me, etc. I assume that I CANNOT be a good influence to others, AND that others are "secretly out to take advantage of/ use/ destroy me"??? Thus assuming that ALL human contact will end in disaster/ abuse/ overwhelm, I avoid it completely. Relationships with family become strained & distant. Friendships implode.

Can you identify a strongly-held core belief of yours that may have influenced these distortions?

With relationships: "People only want me in order to use me"; "People only enter relationships/ talk to you in order to GET something from you." (Abuse/ Mom sourced)
In general: "I always mess up/ do things wrong"; "I am inherently a bad/ broken person"; "Trying to be my own person/ unique is WRONG/ SELFISH"; "I must always be useful"; "I must always be "appealing" to others"; "If I do one thing bad/wrong, it corrupts/ invalidates ALL the "good" I have ever done;" etc.

How will you be more aware of these distortions in the future? What impact will that have on your life?

First I MUST really look at those beliefs & find their roots! Then I can figure out WHY/HOW I developed those beliefs, ESPECIALLY under WHAT circumstances! Becoming aware of distortions AS distortions, in general, makes them easier to recognize. I must practice GENERATING & APPLYING healthy, positive, FACTUAL alternatives, REGULARLY, to diminish habits of distortion!

Did you learn anything about the way your brain works, or your style of thinking, from this process?

I CATASTROPHIZE A LOT!! I assume the "worst possible outcome." I ALSO beat myself up BRUTALLY, whenever I fail to meet my own perfectionist standards. I react based on emotionally-charged assumptions/ fears, instead of reasoning = I take my FEELINGS as facts, and they're typically VERY skewed, because I'm thinking of myself as inherently incompetent/ offensive/ helpless/ bad/ etc.

How can you remember to use CBT methods to challenge distorted thinking in everyday life?

LIVING AS OUR SYSTEM. We naturally "examine evidence" and "substitute" language; we use the "double standard" & "defining" methods in communication; we are brave enough TO "experiment," and being multiple ALWAYS involves us considering "cost-benefits"; "shades of gray," & "other possibilities," as well as "what-ifs." We're just learning how to "survey" outside!
In any case, though, regardless of applied methods, the infallible help is always PRAYER!!!!

What will get in the way of using these methods? How can you plan ahead to avoid these barriers?

GETTING SOLO-STUCK "DOWNSTAIRS." The BEST way to prevent/ break this is to KEEP UP REGULAR COMMUNICATION, so that it FINALLY becomes our DEFAULT again!! STILL, we ALSO NEED to find/ use TANGIBLE REMINDERS to "ping/ call" helpful people in tough situations. Regularly reviewing/ healing memories & mindsets is also vital, OUTSIDE of stressful times!

How does the new way of thinking, after challenging the old way, affect your emotions & behaviors?

IT STABILIZES our emotions, helps us control behavior, and generally restores our sense of selfhood. We're open & curious, ABLE to consider the bigger picture AND be compassionate with ourself. Negative emotions are SPOKEN TO AS PEOPLE, respected & heard & comforted, balancing their pain with hope WITHOUT rejecting their VALID REALITY! THEY are the keys to true & total healing; we MUST understand & work with them!

How does this new way of thinking impact your sense of self?

It ALLOWS us to exist AS THE FULL SPECTRUM, acknowledging ALL hues & opening doors of communication for them, giving us the opportunity to UNDERSTAND, COMMUNICATE, CONNECT, SYMPATHIZE, AND EMPATHIZE. By tuning into our TOTAL self & embracing ALL OF US, we CAN exist "outside" as well; the Socials are no longer tragically isolated & suppressed/ unhealthy!!

How would this new way of thinking influence your relationships?

By being open to such communication, understanding, & compassion, we CAN have healthy relationships in general, as we become empowered to face difficulties AND conquer/ assuage/ respect fears while honoring the needs of ALL involved! Treating ourself kindly, & thinking in a healthy manner, will also ENABLE us to be just as sincerely kind & compassionate to others, and to behave in a mutually healthy way-- no more toxic enabling!

What would life be like if you were able to consistently challenge your distorted thinking?

It would be so refreshing. We'd finally be "in control" of our thought processes, ABLE to CHOOSE how to respond, NOT REACT, in a sensible & beneficial & healthy way. We'd no longer be "enslaved" to negative assumptions & distortions. Our overall mindset will be brighter, clear, and full of hope & compassion. We will be more in touch with reality, AND our own beliefs/ thoughts! We will have a broader, wiser perspective. We will THRIVE.


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CORE BELIEFS & AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS

+ IRONICALLY, listing our automatic negative thoughts is a GREAT way to "lure out" COMPASSION as it "externalizes" them? Hides self-applicability. Reading them triggers instinctive consolatory/ merciful responses, NOT agreement!!! START THERE to build genuinely balanced core beliefs; THAT'S already proof of ROOTS!!
+ A negative core belief ALSO invalidates positive thoughts; seeks its OWN "evidence" AGAINST them, as to why they're not REALLY positive. e.g. "Knowing all that trivia IS stupid," etc. Like a BULLY. Pushes you around & mocks you baselessly. CRUEL & RUDE.
+ Negative beliefs ignore all contradicting evidence and that is a demonic DENIAL OF TRUTH!!

+ Everyone has their own "distorted lenses" through which they see the world, and so everyone sees their own "realities"-- BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM TRUE!!!
CHRIST IS TRUTH AND GUESS WHAT.
HE LOVES ALL OF US UNCONDITIONALLY.
THAT'S REALITY, DESPITE OUR FAILURES.
WE'RE ALL LOVED AND THERE IS HOPE & HEALING FOR EVEN THE MOST BROKEN.


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SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO


16 days later...

Sixteen of the craziest days I have ever seen in my life.

But we're still alive.

True.

You two, I swear. So where do we start? Last night? The Thursday we were looking forward to? J, your call.

I say we start on January 27th. The Thursday that will forever live on in infamy for us.

Do you even remember what led up to that, from our last session? Those 5 days are an absolute blur.

Let me check my FB and see if there's anything there... uh, nope, nothing.

Nothing?

No. I remember I spent all day on the 23rd reading Subnormality, but from then until Thursday I honestly have no idea what happened.

Then let's go with what we have. On Thursday, the 27th, you finally went to see the local community counseling center, and that didn't go well at all.

Sadly, no. Basically, I spoke to a therapist and she concluded that, with how bad my gender dysphoria had become, how negatively my home situation was affecting me, and how useless therapy had been up to that point, my only remaining option was to be admitted to a mental health facility for intensive treatment.

Then she said, 'but let me consult the head doctor first!'

Yeah, unfortunately. And the 'head doctor' listened to what I was going through, took a look at the bleeding graves on my arms, and said 'take these pills and come back in four weeks.' And that was it!

I still say that was absolutely ridiculous.

It was... especially considering what happened a few hours later. I was... I don't know how it happened, as my mind has absolutely cauterized that entire week from my mind, but I was hacked. So I was forced to dig another grave. But... but my mother was home, and for God knows whatever reason, everyone finally decided to notice that 'hey, his arms are covered in scars!'

Right out of nowhere. It was like a bomb went off.

Everyone started screaming and yelling, my grandparents were freaking out, and before I knew it my mother was on the phone... I was shaking so hard I could barely type, I was sobbing, I was terrified. I remember frantically sending Melody a message on Facebook telling her that I had no idea what was going on, but not remembering how to type. Everything around me was horrifying.

And then the police showed up.

My mother had called 911. Three months after I had started digging graves, three months after I wrote a suicide letter underneath her nose, and two years after I spent an entire month trying desperately to tell her how much I was suffering mentally and how badly I needed things to change, she finally decided to do something. And ironically, that something was dusting off her hands and sending me to the local psychiatric ward after all.

Genesis told me he was in the police car with you.

He was. I was so scared I couldn't think, but he rode it out with me. That meant so much. I don't think I've ever loved him as much as I did during those twenty minutes. I felt terrible for getting him caught up in that, for getting everyone caught up in that... but he was still there. All of you were. My family was too, sure, but that was one occasion. My mother wouldn't be there the next week. My grandparents would stop being there when they realized I was not a granddaughter but a grandson. My brothers would stop being there when it became inconvenient or annoying. But none of you ever left, not even for a moment, even when it seemed I was spending the night alone.

Yeah, our kid spent the night alone in the ER.

Twelve hours straight, really. Thank goodness I had been doing research on Tox before my mom called the ambulance, as I had a lot to think about... I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I sat there on the hospital bed from 10PM to 10AM, staring at the curtain in front of me and feeling the seconds tick away in my blood, listening to the security guards talk in the hallway... no one was with me but you guys. Then Laurie, you decided to bring everyone in-- everyone-- and fill them in on the situation...

Hey, someone had to tell them, and we had more than enough time to do so.

That was... that meant a lot to me, admittedly. Having everyone there.

I think it meant a lot to all of us. Just... having Markus and Ryman there, I could have cried. Nothing had changed. Almost nine years after I met them, after countless mistakes on my part, they still showed up in the middle of the night to be with me. I need someone like that here. I really do.

I know. It's ridiculous how we can't find anyone local and exclusive.

Exclusive?

Someone who won't be like Jewel's mother and say 'oh, sorry hon, but I'm on a date with my hubby right now so I can't come see you in the ER tonight!' Don't give me that. Jewel needs someone who is going to put him at the top of their list, because God knows he would do that for them even if he wasn't on their list at all.

My dad ironically seems to be the one member of my family who cares the most.

Dude, yes. That honestly surprised me, what with all the flak he gets from your other parental figures.

He showed up around 8AM on Friday to eat breakfast with me in the ER, and take me up to the psychiatric ward itself. He didn't complain or condemn or anything, he was just there for me. And then he visited every single night I was in the unit... called me even when I was out and at home... the only time he wasn't there was because he was freaking out of state. He even drove me back down to the ER a week after I was admitted, thanks to how badly I was reacting to my meds--

Kid, you are getting ahead of yourself. Start on the 28th. Your dad and a doc took you up to the ward, you were admitted, and...?

And stuff got weird. I went to the room I was assigned to, and the person who had been assigned there before me was leaving that very morning. So I got to talk to her for about a half hour before she left, and that helped so much. I got the typical 'you're very intelligent' line, but really, having her there to reassure me during my first hour on the floor was a real blessing. I calmed down a little thanks to that, as I was still reeling from the night before, and I don't know if I would have been able to handle Friday without having the optimism from her and my dad that morning.

What did happen on Friday?

I don't really remember. I do remember being put on pills, which I'll get to later, but the most significant but was getting homesick when I tried to sleep that night. Then I ended up feeling sicker because I knew it was misplaced. I was willing to put myself back into the danger of my home situation just to have a 'home,' but I was forgetting what a 'home' should really be.

Home is where you are happy, it's not where you're not free... home is where you can be who you are, who you're born to be.

Yeah, heh. So Saturday started out with me being a mess again, but thankfully when the floor got together for the morning meeting, this one 'clique' of kids about my age invited me over. I had forgotten that we were all up there for similar reasons, so when I was able to finally choke out my story, I was honestly shocked that I wasn't being judged for it.

That helped a ton.

It did... so I stayed with those kids the whole time I was there. The next morning I woke up and I was a shambles, so I had to give Laurie the controls in order to even get through it at first.

I had to take your blood test, haha! You probably would've passed the heck out, though, with how shot your nerves were.

I know. I could barely walk without wanting to put you in charge. You helped so much.

Is this Sunday now?

Yeah. Sunday was awful, as I was starting to react badly to the meds I had been given on Friday, and by 8PM I was not only hyperventilating and shaking, but panicking like a maniac. Then they gave me a roommate. That was...

Interesting?

I think I was only meant to have a roommate for that one night, just to learn from it. I couldn't handle sharing a room with someone else, especially not the person I was bunking with, as she was very unstable... don't get me wrong, I had absolutely nothing against her, but there was no way I could safely share a room with her. However, I spoke to her for about an hour before she calmed down enough to fall asleep, and... it really opened my eyes. She was manic and her thought processes didn't make much sense, but at one point she just opened up for the smallest moment at it hit me so hard. She started laughing out of the blue, stopped, and told me how frightening it was to not know what she was laughing at. Then she started up again and there was nothing like that for the rest of the night. But I'll never forget that.

Then on Monday you had your room switched, and they put you on more pills...

And that night I had an absolute meltdown. The docs thought I was having an allergic reaction to my medication. My body went cold and numb, I couldn't breathe, talk or think straight, I was shaking uncontrollably and I was so lightheaded and dizzy I could barely stand up. It was terrifying... that went on for almost two hours, and then they decided to throw me on another pill to combat the effects of the ones I was already on, and I resigned myself to sleep.

Before you slept, though, didn't you talk to that one guy in the unit?

Oh dude, that's right. He was a godsend. He had gone through some heavy stuff that landed him in the unit, but he was like me, in that he was still trying to help everybody around him at the same time. He believed strongly in the law of attraction and thinking about that really helped. But yeah, he kind of acted in my dad's place outside of visiting hours in that he was constantly giving everyone good advice and perspectives on things. So many people in the unit had amazing ideas... and I think it was Sunday night, actually, but one of the nurses actually pulled me aside and walked around the floor with me while we talked. He focused on the fact that I'm transgender and the first thing he said to me about it was 'you know that's not a disorder, right?' It was amazing. No one here had ever just... no one here had ever told me it was okay to be me. But he did.

You learned a heck of a lot during your time there, seriously. The sickest part of it was that it was a more positive environment than your own freaking house. And it was a bloody hospital!

True... but then it was Tuesday, and I was discharged. Even in my last 24 hours, I gained so much self-confidence and insight it was amazing... but then I went home, and it was as if someone just took a magnet to the tape. All that goodness, that safe atmosphere, just gone. I was too relieved to be back with my work to realize it at first, though... on Wednesday my father had me over his house for dinner, which was great, but I had a mini-attack like I had on Monday, and that terrified me because I was no longer around docs who could help. Then Thursday came around again.

And you landed back in the ER.

...Yeah. On Thursday morning, I spoke to the psychiatrist the hospital had referred me to, and he took me off two of the medications I had been put on. However, they left me on one to see if that's what was making me so sick. I figured we wouldn't have a problem, but then that evening, the iceberg hit me again. My father rushed up to the house and drove me back to the hospital, where he stayed with me for the next 5 hours while they made sure I was only feeling side effects and not something worse...

Having to wait five freaking hours to get treatment in the ER is ridiculous.

At least I got to talk with my dad. My mother always used to tell me that she hated how my dad talks about himself, but I love that. I love that he feels he can tell me all these little stories and details about his life. I could write a book about him based solely on what he's spoken to me about on nights like that... even when he used to drive me to my Italian classes when I started college, every night, we'd listen to Todd Rundgren and he'd talk about his past. I loved that so much. My mother has never done anything like that with me. I know almost nothing about her, at all, and that's kind of scary. The same goes for everyone else in my family. That's why I have this bad habit of learning as much as I can about people I love... even though it's hurt me in the long run, I just need that to... to kind of paint a picture of them in my mind. All the puzzle pieces just fit together and it's beautiful. I need to know all those beautiful little things. But... I don't know anything about so many people.

And you're just so ready to tell everything to anyone in return. It's heartbreaking, kid.

...

I know, but... Friday I had another meltdown and was back in the ER due to having palpitations on top of it all. This was when my dad was out of state, so first we tried calling my mother to take me down as I couldn't breathe, but she was on a date... so my grandparents had to go with me. Then God threw this absolutely insane string of non-coincidences at me, as if to say, 'there's still hope.' The moment I set foot in the ER, who else was in there but one of my friends from the psych ward. So I talked to him for about 20 minutes before I was called back to a room. Then, who did I walk past in the hallway but my old co-worker, Steve, who I haven't spoken to in several months-- but who had sent me a message on FB just that morning. Then later, when my grandmother randomly spoke up that she hoped my grandfather was doing okay in the waiting room, he showed up at the door to my examination room. It was all really awesome and it helped me get through the virtually mandatory 5-hour wait for treatment, haha.

You had a bad night, though.

I did. The ER doc told me flat-out that the med I had been left on was the one that was giving me the horrible side effects, but as only my psychiatrist could take me off it, he just gave me a pill to 'stop the shakes.' It didn't do anything but make it worse. I got home around 1:30AM, and I was awake until after 4 because I could not stop shaking. It was so bad I couldn't breathe.

Chaos is the only reason you got through the night, I think. I hope you know you are practically that kid's guardian angel, CZ, because wow. He was like that in the unit, too.

I know..

So yeah, Jewel, then you just struggled through the weekend until now, right?

Basically. Sleep was frightening because I never felt as if I was getting enough air, and the pills were making my heart race so I couldn't relax. I ended up putting an entirely new quiet playlist on Razia just so I could have that playing through my earbuds as I tried desperately to fall asleep. And I had horrible nightmares every time I did... and...

Julie got you one night.

She did??

Yeah... I think it was Saturday, actually, but he woke up in the middle of the night from it. It was pretty terrible. She hasn't let up since then, either. We had one straight-up loss today thanks to another trigger weardown, but after how much you've been hit by lately, kid, I mostly just feel terrible that we didn't have security jacked up enough to keep her out.

I had my guard down after last night.

We need to discuss that too. Let's finish this first, though. Monday was hell, so elaborate.

Yeah, yesterday was horrible... that's probably why I was hacked today... I had spent all weekend trying desperately to contact my psychiatrist to get me off that last med, because I was not only horribly sick from it, but knowing that I had meds in my system was slowly driving me mad. I had a violent anxiety attack yesterday that was downright terrifying. It felt like the world was ending. I was sobbing and screaming and walking in circles and everything felt like it was a second away from exploding. I couldn't take it, and my family just kind of gave me a deaf ear as usual. 'Well we don't know what to do!' Then they go back to their own business as I'm sitting on the floor pulling my hair out and trying not to throw up. For heavens sake, all I wanted was for someone to listen. All I wanted was for someone to look at me with compassion instead of cold indifference or annoyance. That was it! And it was nowhere to be found.

Then your psychiatrist called, haha.

It was freaking divine intervention. Right when I thought I was actually on the brink of suicide due to how incredibly desperate I was, the phone rang, and it was their office. They told me to stop taking the last med, and that was it.

And then a few hours later, you fell asleep.

Before we go there, I want to backtrack to the Thursday that started this whole mess again, as I just remembered something. When I was in the police car, I remember asking the policewoman why my mother had reacted so violently and angrily to the new grave, instead of showing empathy or concern or anything like that. I wanted to know why she had instead screamed at me, refused to listen to my explanation, and called the ambulance to send me to the psych ward. The policewoman said that it was apparently something parents did. She said that, as a parent, when your child does something that you are hurt by, instead of reacting kindly you blow up at them. I was so offended by that I nearly cried. Now I know I'm incapable of having biological kids, but for heaven's sake, I have mental children that I would die for and I adore every last one of them. And they've done things I don't approve of!! Leila is anorexic, Sting is an alcoholic, Xor is suicidal, Katie self-abuses-- but when I found out about those things, did I blow up on them? Did I scream at them and refuse to listen to their words? No!! No, I simply held them closer than I had ever done before, and I didn't stop loving them, not even for a moment. They're my kids. If they hurt, I hurt. I couldn't ever hate them or be angry with them for something like that, ever. For a policewoman to tell me that, 'as a mother,' it was 'natural' to act as violently as my own mother had when she saw the blood on my arms? Heck, if our places had been switched, there would have been NO police car, and I would have spent the night with a broken heart and an open mind and my arms around her. She would only have gone to the psych ward if I felt it was needed for her situation after all that. It just hurts so, so much that both that woman and my mother both thought their reactions were normal. That isn't normal. Not at all...

You're the best father any of your kids could ever ask for, Jewel.

I try. God knows I do everything I can. And that's why I want to get my art and music and writing out into the world! That's the real reason!! Because on Thursday, when my own freaking mother refused to show kindness to me, I had music and art and writing to turn to. The sounds on my headphones held more empathy than she did. That's what I want to be. I want to be that sound. I want to be that empathy to the other kids in this world, young and old. When there's no one to turn to, I want my work to be within their reach, to be something for them to hold on to, to hold close. I could never be a biological parent, but I can be a parent to the parentless, when their own flesh and blood closes its arms to them. I can give those kids hope and joy and love and light and that's all I've ever wanted to do.

You'll do it. I've never been so sure of anything else. You'll do it all; I know you will.

When I was sitting in the ER on Friday, I thought I was dying. It was midnight, and I couldn't breathe or think or talk, and I thought I would die. I said a quiet prayer, asking if this was it, if my time was up, if these pills would cut my hours short. And an answer came to me, so clearly I actually did cry.

What was it?

"You can do so much good for this world. That's why I put you here."

I told you, kid..

And the fear was gone. I couldn't die, not yet, because I had a reason to live and it was important and it was real, no matter what my 'family' said. It just... geez, you have no idea what it felt like, to hear that.

You've done a heck of a lot of good already. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I won't. That's another thing I learned from the psych ward, haha. Oh, and church on Saturday? Last week had been the Beatitudes, which I missed because I only had a service in the-- oh!! Oh man, I almost forgot. Oh man.

What?

In the unit, on Saturday, a woman came in from a local church to have a prayer service... I was one of five people that attended. It started with singing, but then she went off on this tangent about her denomination of faith, and that led into her saying how she felt there shouldn't be so many denominations, as we're all connected in the end... and God bless her, she said something about what love should be like, about what true love actually was, the selfless kind, and for an example she told us about this elderly couple she knew... two guys. I couldn't handle it; everything she said just... I needed to hear it. I needed to. And then she gave us individual blessings, and... and I think that was all the 'proof' I needed of there being a light in everything. She walked up to me and prayed for me to find peace and all that... but then at the very end she paused and added-- and I quote-- "may what has been taken from you be restored a hundred fold." I nearly started sobbing.

The graves...

The freaking graves. I've had them taken from me, and I didn't say a word about that to anyone, and this woman just... God, I was shattered. And then the Gospel this week was about being a light to the world. "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven..." and the part about not keeping a light in a closet, Laurie, even that!

Your life is the most amazing thing I have ever seen, kid. Seriously, if I didn't know you, I would be having a hard time believing how well all this stuff lines up for you, all the time. But it does.

It does, I know...

It's the closest thing to perfection I know, and on that note, let's turn the topic back to the maelstrom over here.

I knew that was coming.

You'd better! So yeah, let's go back to Thursday again.

Why Thursday?

Because you fell to pieces. You don't think that absolutely broke Jewel's heart? Seriously, after that talk we had on the 16th, you two seem to have been stuck in that mental state for good.

That's not a bad thing, though.

Still, now? After you've been together for how many years, suddenly this spikes just in time for one of the most personally difficult experiences of your life so far? No, it's not a bad thing, but for this to have stayed at that level without going down in the slightest is just... it's unusual that this has never happened before.

Maybe it wasn't able to. Maybe it's only now that I've learned so much.

About that. The heck were you two up to last night?

The usual?

As I said, when did this become the usual? Because, yeah, this is arguably the most powerful thing we have against Julie, but it's simultaneously the main thing she is aggressively trying to get to us through. This is keeping me awake at night. This is 100% positive progress, but it's such a violently dangerous topic that I really don't know what the heck to do other than keep my eyes open. I can't put up any major security without blocking something else out that we need.

Why is that?

It's because you're not a hardcore antisexual anymore, are you?

Um. No I'm not.

Exactly. You're still ace, but you've stopped hating on everybody who isn't, and although I am seriously proud of you for that, you can't let your walls all the way down because you WILL get hurt by the darker side of that. And so at the expense of bringing up a really touchy subject, I think we seriously need to discuss this, especially in light of last night.

Why do you keep bringing up last night?

Because you specifically referred to what I'm trying to discuss. Now this all started around December 23rd, thanks to two individuals I won't name outright, but who are extremely important to you, Jewel. That forced you to look at this whole situation differently and, after your experience in the unit last week, allowed you to reconcile your understanding of that with what you've been mislabeling here.

I think I know what you mean. The... connection thing, right?

Yes, exactly. The reason you've been antisexual all your life is because sexuality is physical, and you were so completely put off by that you thought 'there's no way that can be positive in the slightest!' So you were hating on everyone who wasn't ace. However, it wasn't until recently that you realized that it was just the wrong way to go about something you've been taking for granted.

Jewel, can you put this in clearer terms?

Uh, sure. You know how with J-Monsters, two individuals can have this incredibly deep emotional link of sorts? That's based on an 'energy' connection. The only thing physical about it is initial contact; it's not the important part. However, humans can't do that. The only thing they have is sexuality and that's both under-evolved and wrongly assigned to emotional connections in my opinion. It's a reproductive function is all, but thanks to family units and all that it's become exclusive, and unfortunately people are pegging emotional closeness on it when that has nothing to do with it inherently. Sure, you can have that with it, but you don't need love in order to have sex and that's the problem. You can't do that in the J-Monster sense unless you consciously want to destroy someone on the emotional level. So there are humans here who really do love each other but don't know how to 'connect' and they're using sexuality as their only option. That's why I was vehemently antisexual for so long, because I know people actively use that function in negative ways and I can't stand the thought of it being considered a 'connective' thing if it's not ONLY that, which it isn't. Plus I still find it absolutely disgusting. Long story short, J-Monster connections are not sexual and cannot rightly be compared to human sexuality because they're two entirely different functions. However I understand that people here don't have that option so many of them are stuck with an imperfect and unfitting physical thing. So I no longer hold that against them. </awkward>

See, no problem. I'm just glad you're no longer condemning people, heh.

Seriously, you've never written that stuff out before?

No, I don't think so. I should have. Better late than never I guess.

True. Now back to where I was. The energy aspect is exactly what was going on in that hotel room, no matter what your FB status says.

Sure, don't be subtle or anything.

I'm never subtle. But it was really hilarious how that tied into your earlier dream, Jewel.

Shouldn't there be some context in this, Laurie?

Fine. Jewel didn't have a nightmare last night, thank God, and Chaos happened to show up. And at some point in the first dream, for God knows what reason, Jewel told him that 'if I ever had to marry someone--'

Or be with someone in the way I just mentioned..

Heh, yeah-- that you'd pick him. But then you stopped and quickly added 'but not in the human way!!' You were so terrified of being misunderstood, haha.

Hey, at least he was careful.

Yeah, but he really freaked out over it. It was pretty funny.

So why are you bringing this up again?

Because in the second dream you were in that hotel room with him and you know exactly what happened. And that has been happening way too often lately. Is that why I never got a postcard? Did you guys decide to move in or what?

You and that postcard. Fine-- Saint Peter said they were out. So we are moving in and then we'll send you a letter instead, how's that?

That's a pretty serious alternative to waiting for postcards to restock in heaven.

Come on, Laurie. Listen, we... that talk we had, on the sixteenth? We stopped taking that for granted, all right? Jewel needs me, I need him, so why shouldn't we have this?

I'm concerned about the desperation though. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me how often this is happening. Jewel's a cathartic mess and you're not much better, so it's understandable. My concern is why. With how bloody painful it obviously is, and how emotionally shaken Jewel gets every time it happens, what's the motivation? You know as well as I do that it's not simply because you 'feel like it,' no matter how madly you're in love. This sort of thing doesn't get written into anyone's weekly schedule. It's too significant, it's too overwhelming, and it's far too bloody painful. Is this your way of coping? Or are you both just that unstable right now?

I can't... I can't function without it some days. You know how much I needed Chaos around even while coping with my meds; I'm just horrifically unstable after the past two weeks, and what I have with Chaos is the truest thing I can feel, and I need that.

It'll still be there even if you two don't reforge it every single night.

That's not the point. The point is that I am so emotionally overwhelmed all the time now, that feeling that is the only thing keeping me going.

That doesn't answer my question, kid. Chaos?

It's actually just what he's saying, as far as I know. He just needs love more than anything, at any given time, and that's it.

But-- Jewel, honestly, I think you've rewired to also need the pain. Sure, you needed a heck of a lot of positive pain prior to this, but now that all your coping mechanisms are gone, you're getting desperate, and I know you-- the more desperate you are, the more unstable your emotions get. If I'm not mistaken, which I rarely am, you are an absolute shambles right now, and Chaos is virtually the only thing keeping you together. I do NOT want you to shatter, and I do NOT want you getting used to this.

...She has a point.

And Jewel looks legit terrified, so I guess I was right after all.

But that's only one aspect of it.

Sure, but it's a really bloody important one. Tell me something, kid. How are you right now? Would you be able to sleep tonight without some sort of heavy pain shock, or are you looking for one even as we speak?

...

Told you. Chaos, listen. By no means does this downplay anything--

I know that.

Just hear me out. Jewel loves you to death, and love is the most positively painful thing there is, especially for him. I'm worried because he's not expressing that in a 'healthy' way at all. He's bloody terrified, he can't cope without pain, he can't cope without you, and I don't want him falling apart on us. Most importantly, I don't want Julie using that.

Laurie I don't want to lose this.

You're not going to lose anything. Calm down. The problem is that you are on the verge of collapsing emotionally, and that is so severe that you need something of equal intensity to combat it. Seriously, Chaos, he's the one coming to you for this, am I right?

Yeah, he is.

And you haven't noticed anything different about how he's been acting?

No, I've noticed how shaky he's been emotionally. I just... didn't think it was any different than usual. Jewel's fragile, you know that.

Which is why I'm worried that he's going to break. Yeah, we've made progress, and we are at an all-time high right now in that respect, but this is not a normal reaction on his part.

It's because of the progress. Now I'm just waiting on docs to get back to me, and in the meantime I'm stuck in this bad place, and I guess that's making me need the bright things in my life even more, and on top of what I went through with all those hospital visits I guess I'm just terrified that I don't have as much time as I always assumed I did. When those titanic side effects would hit me, and I would get panic attacks at the same time, it literally felt like I was dying, and I hadn't done what I needed to yet. So as long as I'm stuck in this house I am desperate, and I'm repeating myself but I am fragile and this is breaking me. But I guess it's just thrown me into a chronic emotional high, on all levels, because dear God I need to get out of here. This wouldn't be a problem if I was in a good place.

I know. I really wish you were.

Chaos, I love you so much it hurts. I love you. That's why this keeps happening. I can't possibly keep this to myself.

Aaand there's our problem. There's no catharsis on this level.

What?

Jewel is stuck in an incredibly negative environment that is quite literally suffocating him. He can't express any honest emotions whatsoever, and since his life is really looking up right now, there's a lot he's being forced to keep quiet. I told you, the two of you being together is not a problem, at all. The problem is that he is feeling so much that he can't function without freaking connecting, which is seriously insane in terms of emotional gravity. His virtue is being suppressed and that's killing him.

I need to get out of here.

Kid, we're trying. You're off the meds so now you can drive. Make good use of that. Also it snowed, so the world outside is being merciful to you too. Get the heck out of the house, get down to Borders if you can, just get the heck away from this.

I can't, not yet. I need to wait to hear back from the psychiatrist with an appointment, for that therapist.

What's that therapist going to do, really?

Hopefully, get me both out of here and into HRT.

Wait, are you serious?

Yes. I made it very clear that I want to transition and he's going to work with me on that.

Geez, then I don't blame you for camping by the phone. All right then, get back into NIER and RB3 if you can't exactly leave the house physically. Just-- please, kid, I don't want this interim destroying you.

I also need to sleep. Oh, and tomorrow we need to get back here to discuss the kaleidoscope point and possibly other things, I don't know. I just feel there's more to talk about.

Then sleep. We don't need a war breaking out because you're not in bed for 10PM.

So Laurie, what am I doing?

Heheh, sorry. Personally I say to let the kid sleep tonight, so don't go overboard.

Laurie, you should be my doctor at this point...

I should! You won't need to fill any bloody prescriptions when you're with me, that's for sure.

Thank God for that.

Seriously, you do need sleep. I'll see you two tomorrow.

So... should we buy the apartment or what?

Heh, why not? The kid needs a better place to live anyway.

Then watch your mailbox, you maniac.

Look who's talking!