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prismaticbleed✳ Our SCHEDULE for the FUTURE MUST INCORPORATE ALL LEVELS OF NEEDS, AND BE GROUNDED IN OUR VALUES AS PRIORITY!! This means INCLUDING BOTH RELIGION/ WORSHIP AND NUTRITION, EXERCISE AND LEISURE, JOURNALS AND CREATIVE WORK!!
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✳ Laurie & I were looking at the menu together & we realized that our mind is actually LOOKING FOR CONFLICT BETWEEN OPTIONS??? It's LOOKING FOR A "RIGHT/ WRONG" DIVISION, like there "HAS TO BE A BATTLE"? But the WORST part is that THIS "COMPULSORY WAR" is being forced BETWEEN WHAT "I" WOULD LIKE, AND WHAT I'M "SUPPOSED" TO PICK-- THE "TRAUMA/ CHALLENGE" FOOD TIED TO OTHER PEOPLE, WHO ARE BEING PRIORITIZED AS "OBJECTIVELY RIGHT/ AUTHORITATIVE." SO EACH CHOICE OF FOOD REQUIRES REJECTION OF EITHER THEM (NOT ALLOWED), OR OF MYSELF (MUST).
✳WHEN I ACTUALLY LIKE BOTH CHOICES, or if there IS NO APPARENT "MEMORY ASSOCIATION," my brain PANICS and MAKES A CONFLICT BY FINDING ASSOCIATIONS WITH OTHER TO OPPOSE "ME." THIS FEELS OBLIGATORY, like if there IS no "other person" ABOVE ME, then I'M DOING SOMETHING "WRONG"-- THERE'S "NO MORAL DISTINCTION"??
✳ WHY DO I FEEL COMPELLED, EVEN WITH INTENSE FEAR, TO CHOOSE THE FOOD OPTIONS THAT WILL FORCE TRAUMA FLASHBACKS??? Like Saturday is PEPPERONI PIZZA & TATER TOTS which is EXACTLY what TBAS would eat EVERY NIGHT we had to stay up until ~3am with them. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M "NOT ALLOWED" TO SAY "NO" TO RITUALLY RELIVING THAT EXPERIENCE EVERY TIME IT PRESENTS ITSELF?? WHY DOES EVEN WANTING TO REFUSE FEEL LIKE I'M DAMNING MYSELF TO IMMINENT HORRIBLE PUNISHMENT? IT'S "NOT ALLOWED" AND THE FEAR OF BOTH ENDURING IT AND THE PENALTY OF REFUSING TO IS CHOKING.
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FAMILY SESSION TOPICS =
★ SCRUPULOSITY; "everything I do is a sin," life revolves around prayer times
● "Happy childhood" on film = afraid to admit it? OR "happy mask" over fear?
● Music concerts/ awards/ etc. "be perfect/ entertaining;" not about the JOY
★ When I enter a house I immediately LOOK FOR/ TAKE FOOD = "ENTER THEIR LIFE/ BE LIKE THEM"
● Equating VIOLENCE/ PUNISHMENT with LOVE (LAURIE); "KILL THE MONSTER"??
● What came first, the self-abuse or the eating disorder?
● ↑WHEN & HOW does the sextrauma fit? WHEN/ HOW DID IT START? RELIGION? (childhood messages = "sex is evil" + "sex is God's PURPOSE for you"/ SAME WITH FOOD???)
● GENDER/ MULTIPLICITY INFLUENCE on ALL ↑ of that
★ "I don't know how to grapple/ live with the inherited past" ("happening NOW, on loop") (UNRESOLVED & UNINTEGRATED)
● ↑ TIMELOCKED FONI vs. "the outside world doesn't exist in inpatient"
● "WE have to DECIDE" = identity, future, likes, etc.???? "AM I ALLOWED?"
★ TEENAGE "self" esp. in photos/ vids = "SHE'S EVIL" / SELFISH, PROUD, "VIOLENT"
★ "Positive affirmations" "FEED THE MONSTER"? JEZEBEL ↑ (PROUD/ SELFISH)
● "Happy childhood" on film = afraid to admit it? OR "happy mask" over fear?
● Music concerts/ awards/ etc. "be perfect/ entertaining;" not about the JOY
★ When I enter a house I immediately LOOK FOR/ TAKE FOOD = "ENTER THEIR LIFE/ BE LIKE THEM"
● Equating VIOLENCE/ PUNISHMENT with LOVE (LAURIE); "KILL THE MONSTER"??
● What came first, the self-abuse or the eating disorder?
● ↑WHEN & HOW does the sextrauma fit? WHEN/ HOW DID IT START? RELIGION? (childhood messages = "sex is evil" + "sex is God's PURPOSE for you"/ SAME WITH FOOD???)
● GENDER/ MULTIPLICITY INFLUENCE on ALL ↑ of that
★ "I don't know how to grapple/ live with the inherited past" ("happening NOW, on loop") (UNRESOLVED & UNINTEGRATED)
● ↑ TIMELOCKED FONI vs. "the outside world doesn't exist in inpatient"
● "WE have to DECIDE" = identity, future, likes, etc.???? "AM I ALLOWED?"
★ TEENAGE "self" esp. in photos/ vids = "SHE'S EVIL" / SELFISH, PROUD, "VIOLENT"
★ "Positive affirmations" "FEED THE MONSTER"? JEZEBEL ↑ (PROUD/ SELFISH)
✷ WE NEED TO INTEGRATE PAST & PRESENT = ENTIRE SELF (SYSTEM WHOLE) = TOWARDS FUTURE!!
