nov 20 2015

[prismaticbleed]

so i've spent today mostly playing undertale, listening to choir music and keane on spotify, and scrubbing down a dodge until my sleeves were soaked.

right now i'm so tired, i have a vague headache, i'm cold and rather weak, but i'm so content. like i feel so quietly happy despite it all.
laughably it reminds me of that odd 'high' you get from anaesthetic in the hospital. i suppose it's fitting, since we still can't stop thinking about death, and these serenely happy states add another level by stating "if i died right now i would be perfectly happy."
this contentment is the all-forgiving, all-accepting state of mind that makes regrets impossible and love absolute.


i always feel guilty about this though.
"get out of your comfort zone," they say.
well right now i'm asking why? why are we always pushed to condemn comfort when we get it? god knows we need to enjoy this right now. to feel this safe and calm, this is wonderful. i'm going to be as comfortable as i can in this, for as long as it lasts.

it's just such a strange feeling lately, to feel like death is always embracing me, and i'm just... swimming in that feeling. like i feel so ephemeral, so ethereal, that if i died i don't know if it would feel much different.
i wouldn't have a problem with that if i didn't have this nagging feeling that it would be leaving too soon.
i'm still not entirely sure what we're meant to do here. i mean we are doing a lot, on several fields, but it feels like there's unfinished business yet.
even so, in these moods, there's no attachment to anything, even that business. everything just moves into that distant perspective of "it's just one life, one save file. it's not forever."
and yet it is, isn't it? isn't everything a note in the cosmic orchestra? sure the note only lasts for a moment, but it's part of the song, however tiny, and in that it has significance of worth.
i do too. everything does.

maybe we need to take a break. maybe that's what this is.
it's very, very interesting, because although we're so floaty and tired that it's hard to function physically, only wanting to "sleep" or "go inside"... the instant we close our eyes, and are pulled into internal floatspace or anchorspace... everything is 100% clear.
that's what's making me wonder. as long as i can remember (a handful of years, if that), we've had this ability to "instantly meditate." it's a part of the d.i.d. thing. we can, almost immediately, go from external perception to internal perception, moving out of the body and into that limitless space of soft light. and we just float there. it's so so profoundly reassuring and centering; a few seconds there, sincerely, and the benefits are massive to our psyche.
it's amazing what we can do just by being a system. tired? then go inside and literally rest in headspace, while the body stays conscious and moves. you WILL feel better, maybe not entirely, but notably enough. and if you're one of the eating-disorder alters, and you really really want to eat, or maybe just bite or chew, or maybe you just like getting things for the concept instead of ever eating anything... again, we can do ALL of that inside. lately we've been telling that one young super-depressed eater to just go into headspace and eat all she wants, because she's panicking that we can't shop all the time for her food but no one but her CAN eat it!! so laurie and i are helping her feel safe, inside especially, so she can have what she wants tangibly inside without the painful consequences of doing that outside-- which, ironically, isn't as tangible because of dissociation and panic and switchiness.
so yeah. it's fascinating.

but it's that constant "need" to just stop everything and go just sit or float inside. maybe not even interact, just BE on the inside. tune into your vibe. my vibe. who we are.
we do need that now, more than anything.



last thing i want to say. you know how i mentioned that chaos 0 and i are so important to the function of headspace, because of that immense love and the effect that has on us all? well apparently that branches out to all love, and it's leaking out to affect other alters when it's not super-personal?
what i'm trying to say is. with undertale. i really really like undyne. and this morning i was shocked because all of a sudden, i have WORKING LINKS with her and alphys and papyrus and they're in conceptual heartspace talking with me and... undyne's a soldier, we wanted to "live up to that," we knew she wouldn't approve of us treating ourself badly or slacking off or being a "weenie" with honor and such... the important thing is that is platonic love and since it was being felt in a floaty state of mind, it was reaching the damaged alters EVEN THOUGH THEY DIDN'T KNOW HER PERSONALLY, and suddenly that super-depressed eater girl puts down the bag of chips she's been obsessed with for the past week and says she's not hungry for it anymore.
and she wasn't. and i was amazed. all of a sudden she had self-worth. all of a sudden, in picking up on this affection i had for undyne, even just as an observer, she picked up on the vibe and it lifted hers up to a better level... one where, like me, she didn't think badly of herself at all.
it's hard to put this into words.
undertale is being played by me but the data is open to the whole system and everyone loves it and so, when i start feeling intense personal affection for the characters in that game, everyone else can get that data too. not as a personal experience, but as information? like, stepping into a memory that's not yours. you getwhat's going on even if it's not your experience. again, does that make sense?

point is. my somewhat funny fondness for a fish-girl was still sincere and unhidden enough to reachable by the damaged kids, and it's teaching them what it feels like to feel something so bright and clear and simply honest. you have to hold that within yourself first, as part of yourself, for yourself by extension.
yes i adore chaos zero but that is so intense and personal that other people in the system cannot pick up on it. it's too intimate. whereas, something like a burst of friendship is neutral and benevolent enough for anyone to tap into.
but the key, the key is that i didn't bury it. i WASN'T ASHAMED, which jewel would be (is?) super proud of. i realized that i was doing the silly smiling thing and calling her "sweetheart" during the boss fight even as i worried intensely for her well-being, panicking like she was... and then the dialogue said she was hyperventilating or something and instinctively i blow a kiss at the screen and tell her it'll be fine, it's going to be okay, and god didn't we feel this same sort of thing for davy way back when and we shoved it in our own subaqueous treasure chest for that entire time? for years our immediate reaction to love of any sort was to panic and stomp it out. we didn't understand then, not what we were feeling or why, we were too damaged and programmed at the time.
but i'm not. i get this for everyone but sometimes it gets a little sharper and i just beam with it and that's real love, it's totally neutral and luminous and the most positive thing you could ever feel.
and it's flooding out and down and over to the kids who never knew what it was like to even be capable of that sort of radiance. they've tasted something different now, something that isn't weighing them down and making them sick, and suddenly they're realizing THAT'S what I've been trying to find everywhere, and God if we can keep this up, if we can keep this love in any context going on a near-constant daily basis, SO much would heal in an instant.

and i'm totally content again. tired, cold, still a little sick, but smiling, because i know we're all greater than these temporary physical limitations but i love this body too as its own thing and i want to take care of it, i want to see everyone in this system healthy and happy, and in this moment i am so happy i could die, but.
but that same love is making me feel determination. and i'm saying,
"i would rather keep living, to see this love settle in even deeper and brighter, both inside and outside. i want to live as this, for this, until we've healed all the broken pieces in us, and then if we want to move on, we will."

there are tinier ways to die anyway. little deaths all through the day. remember death is only the opposite of birth, not of life. life goes on. always and everywhere. so when i feel these tiny deaths to one thing i'm born into another and it just keeps going, on and on, and every transition feels grander and greater than the last, even if it's miniscule, and i can feel the cosmos in my bloodstream and in the very air i breathe and i haven't felt claustrophobic in years because everywhere i go, it all feels like a hologram, like a shining shimmering masterpiece painted onto thin air. i feel the vastness of it all, in everything and outside of everything, at all times now.
and it makes me so happy.
i'm so happy all the time now.

but we're still incarnate so that means we still have work to do.
and, "don't lose it," i hear. "the feeling you have. that's important. it's the key to getting the work done."


isn't that in dream world, too? in the bit we were just writing again?

“Your paths will be troubled... But you must never fail to love one another. In the end, that may be all you need. It may be all any of us need.”

i can't say anything better than that right now.


words. good lord. language just doesn't cut it with this, not accurately enough at least.
but the effort counts. it always does.


it's late. 1am.
just wanted to write this down.

i love all of you readers and visitors. have a gorgeous night.