flowers and thorns

[prismaticbleed]

things i have done so far while playing undertale:

- called a goat 'mom'
- made a butterscotch cinnamon pie
- asked a lot of deep questions
- screamed at a flower
- laughed more than i have in months
- made spaghetti
- made sushi
- made better choices in my life
- danced
- was deeply inspired by a fish girl
- fell in love with a robot
- wanted to smooch a fish girl and a robot
- talked to the screen
- forgot you can't reach through the screen
- started hearing this game in songs
- started seeing this game in dreams
- started wearing striped shirts again
- thought about death a lot
- called a goat 'dad'
- had an existential crisis
- or three
- opened my heart a lot more
- cried
- learned a lot
- gained more hope, love, and determination than i ever could have imagined

and i'm still nowhere near finished.


this game is helping me become a better person.
i love it so much.


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@11:27 PM



heyyyy so
fighting omega flowey last night kind of
did a lot to me



i couldn't sleep, would you imagine?
i honestly could not sleep
i kept seeing it when i closed my eyes
the darkness of my room,
it felt like i was there again,
in that crushing initial despair,
or at least, the seeds of it.



when
when i first lost to him and the game just closed by itself i
i had to leave the room

"there's no such thing as happy endings"

i literally just
stopped
walked away from my computer for a minute,

you know when you cant cry or scream even though you want to because everything just went numb,
that.
existential meltdown all at once.

the room was dark and cold and small


i left the room and went to go make tea but i could barely walk down the hall,
my hands were shaking so bad,
i
i was
we were on the verge of an existential crisis and we were starting to dissociate because we wanted to weep
asgore,

i couldnt handle it
then that damned manic fronter tried to JOKE about it,
but
i cant hate her,
i cant, i can't,
not
not with what else i learned last night.


i dont know when we started fighting again
(the memory is shot once miss manic came out)
but
i swore i would not stop trying until i figured something out
and then
a cyan-colored heart appeared.

and it's
just now the personal significance of that hit me


but.
i cannot put into words what that did to my heart
when i called for help and they answered
the other children's souls.

when those green bandages appeared to take the place of flowey's attacks i
i nearly broke down in tears,
tears of relief and gratitude and love and hope,
and when it disappeared and i was facing flowey again,
i had determination.



but that fight brought out the ugly side of me.




sure, by the end, my light was stronger than ever. i won't deny that.
but right now,
i'm not fully "me."
right now,
i'm in a state that's too cold and too blank white and i can only remember what i felt before hope,
before jay iridos came in full force,

i can only remember the crushing despair and the all-consuming furious desperation
flinging ourself into the jaws of death over and over
over and over
die, try again, die, try again,
die,
just like our life now, in a way.


i didn't think i was capable of hatred


flowey's situation... what i know of it currently...
i... i'm...
remember way back when, WAY back, we only know this cause we had a screenshot,
one of our high-school red-girl alters said to someone,
that "true empaths" were the most dangerous people on earth because they could step into anyone's shoes? they could, potentially, learn to understand anyone?
back then we didn't know we had d.i.d. not really, anyhow.
but.
empathy is lethal when you have it.

we
part of us understands flowey perfectly
part of us knows what it's like to feel that way
part of us knows what it's like to hate.

part of us is that broken, too.

but it's the ire that scares me.
that, that thing that flowey said,
about,
no,
what he did, i forgot, it's like a fever dream,

i want to cry,

that one respawn where
he killed us over and over and over an
kept reloading our save file just to obliterate us again and again

god i

thinking about it now i want to sob
we could never understand that


but part of us does


there's a horrible, horrible part of us, somewhere buried,
a part that is so badly damaged that it became damage,
a part so devastated by cruelty and unfairness that it forgot their antonyms,
a part that hates
a part

that part of us hates our brother so much it wants to kill him.

that terrifies me.

but it's what flowey said.
"you're nice to people and all they do is hurt you"

that's exactly what the brother said to us, so many times
it's why he is consumed with hate right now
and

and he's personifying it, somehow,
i dont think he realizes it but it's eating him alive from the inside,
and the more he burns that towards other people,

it's
we're being so kind to him, as much as we can,
and
he's only hurting other people.


"is life really that unfair"

how awfully ironic
that the very thing that filled him with hate, the exact way he says other people treated him,
is the way he is treating other people now.
just like flowey

and
but
we're the one who
somewhere,
someone deep down in the ugly blank black place, that box of contained hell,
of nothingness condensed into a square,
nothing
w

why are we even capable of this

is that just the darkest side of human nature?

it happened to him, now it's happening to us? an ugly cycle?

no.
jay will break it. everyone in central will break it. they always do.

but someone is instigating it and that's the real problem.

someone is so torn-apart by this,
by trying so damn hard to appease that brother, trying to help him in any way we can,
listening to him talk for hours, offering advice and reassurance for hours,
we fought to get him a place to stay here, now he's abusing that,
threatening our grandparents, wasting their money,
stealing our mothers car, lying about where he is and what he's doing,
drugging, drinking, god knows what else, lying to our faces about it,

we make one tiny mistake and he shreds us to bits for it, he's incapable of forgiving, he'll never let us forget it, even years later,


but HE'S in pain, he's in PAIN, he's IN PAIN AND THAT'S THE ONLY REASON HE'S DOING THIS,

how do you heal the pain?


i am so stressed out trying to "heal him" it's killing me,
all i want is for him to be happy but damn it he's not even responding half the time,
he's so convinced that we're "out to get him" that he won't listen,

god this is killing me, i cannot handle these stress levels, no one in our family can,
and the stress is all on my head
mother tells ME, make his phone calls, call his doctors, buy his food, drive him places,
grandparents rely on ME to clean up his messes, replace what he steals and trashes,
and ALWAYS, everyone telling ME, calm him down, talk to him, make him feel better,
i'm trying but nothing is working.
i used to cover his ass when he was struggling before but no more,
now he's just using me, now he's just being ungrateful and disrespectful, no more,

i want to be compassionate but how, in this situation what can i do,

and that's why jay^ is confused,
because in the wake of all that,
the dark seeds start to burst,
and we've got ourselves an ugly ugly alter deep down who just wants it all to stop.

that's what it is.
blind heartbroken rage.

"stop this. stop being so disrespectful and uncaring and closed-hearted. why are you so cruel to us? why are you so cruel to others? you say you dont hate anyone but you have no kind words to say about anyone. you speak only pitch-black words, you speak only storm clouds, you are frightening and you DONT CARE HOW YOU HURT OTHER PEOPLE.

you would threaten our CHILDREN and LAUGH AT THEM for being SCARED OF YOU????

FUCK YOU. LEAVE US ALONE.


but it's only the one of us who doesnt talk, who cant talk, who is just a receptacle for this,
this one blind amalgamation of horrid pained emotion that just exists to burn,
to attack and annihilate the cause of this constant daily anguish and make it STOP.


i'm sorry.

so last night taught us a lot


we
we learned a lot of good things, too.
that's jay's field though. that's his thing to talk about, not mine.
but
today, on thanksgiving,
despite the AWFUL amounts of pain that hit today, the feeling of before a thunderstorm in the air,
i dont care.
you know what, right now, i'm so tired of it, i dont care.

i dont care about any of that right now.
last night we learned how to love and forgive and glow and learn from our mistakes.

we have hope, we have determination,
when i start glowing "i" can't exist so


thank you for listening to me talk about the more painful things so we can clean them out
but i would rather die smiling than survive to be negative.