062810

[prismaticbleed]

I am so sick of feeling dead inside.

I'm currently in Utah. I don't want to go home, and I don't want to stay here. Everywhere I go, I find myself twisting myself to fit expectations, blindly entertain people, avoid serious offense or whatever the heck else gets thrown at me. I'm so tired.
I'm also starting to get very sick physically. That's a direct result of my psychological problems, and as such I can't do a darn thing about it.

God, I want to live inside a song... that's all that feels like home at the moment, just those heartbreaking chords.

I'm actually at Q's house right now, and both he and Mel are here. I don't know what to do. I feel so numb and empty after this morning.
I was just 'hanging around' with Q for a few hours, with Apollo (my Macbook if you didn't know), and having him there made me feel stupidly obligated to 'try and keep him amused.' What the heck. But yeah, mindless me decided to waste time on Tumblr and Halolz and all sorts of idiocy in a lame attempt to 'be interesting.' I'm so freaking sick of it.
What if I want to work? Can't you even respect what little privacy I have nowadays?
What if I just want to sit and actually think, huh? I don't need any of the 'fun' you like so much. I need something worthwhile. I just don't know how to come out and say that without condemning them all to hours of emotional pain whenever I'm around. I'm so freaking sorry.

This is why I don't like being around them, although I'm too afraid to speak it. I cannot ever be myself.

I am also SICK of being physically female. Even typing it makes me want to throw up or throw my computer across the room.
Yeah, I know this is a test from God. Be strong, right? But this horrific body is making me cruel, angry, and vengeful... it's not me. I'm terrified.
God, please, help me get through this. I don't know what to do and all I want to do is sleep until I feel right again.

I just want to sleep.

I just want to sleep.