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[prismaticbleed]

 

Anxiety hell morning.
No idea which of FOUR OPTIONS was "morally right" and "prudent" for going to Mass. POSSIBLE MORTAL SIN EVERYWHERE.

So anxious we were paralyzed and shaking. Unable to think, pray, eat or drink.

Fulton Sheen
Mom call
Knock Mass
...

Walked to SJE
LEAF HOMILY!!! third time, haha. we don't mind it hit THAT HARD
"When autumn comes, every year, I wish it could last forever, but that isn't possible. Within a week, the leaves will already start to fall... When we see the maple trees exploding in red, we say, "how beautiful!" But then we realize what is happening. The tree is dying. Something is dying, and it is beautiful."

Some archiving!
TOUCHPAD FAIL
seriously dude i have no idea what the heck we were thinking but we were trying to fix our touchpad's jumpy sensitivity and we clicked the "off" button. 
Cue two solid minutes of panic so intense it turned to numb dread, until we realized we could use the tab key and spacebar to fix it. Oh man it felt like the world was ending, haha. Looking back it's hilarious, but in the moment, it was literally a possibility that we had been locked permanently out of our only means of archiving and typing. We would have lost our ONLY coping mechanism. So yeah, we freaked out, in that respect.
STILL BUDDY WHY DID YOU CLICK THE BIG RED BUTTON, i'm telling you man this is what sleep deprivation will do to you

Jade pickup
telling them about the touchpad stupidity and laughing so hard at ourself. i cannot remember the last time we laughed at ALL.
Sandım ki drive home

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MDE = two very striking ideas.
First, THE COMMUNION OF SAINTS, and visionaries who can see them calling them "their friends," praying to them that familiarly and living in "close proximity" with them. And THAT HAS TERRIFIED US SINCE CHILDHOOD. It still does, tragically. We know we need to get over this, but we're genuinely so scared of being "haunted and watched" by literally thousands of invisible souls, as we struggle in our panicked mess of a life, and we're OBLIGATED TO TALK TO THEM. It's like unending social mode and the very thought of it drives us close to despair. That CAN'T be what the reality is.
We're so ashamed of our mental problems. We have so many intrusive thoughts and automatic words, we suffer from constant OCD compulsions, our body is a humiliating filthy wreck, our brain keeps looping sounds and flashing images to distressing extents, et cetera. The thought of ALL THESE HOLY PEOPLE WATCHING US AND EXPECTING US TO TALK TO THEM THE ENTIRE TIME is torturous.
We refuse to call any Saint our "friend" because 1. We don't have that right, and to claim it would be unspeakably proud and rude, 2. We don't know how to have friends or be a friend, 3. To make such a claim of holy association and then to keep struggling as a wicked sinner would be a grave sin, 4. Our intrusive thoughts LATCH ON to the "friend" concept and immediately start spitting blasphemies about them. 
Also, don't forget we're technically an ex-pagan. We have DEALT WITH THIS BEFORE, with plethoras of "guiding spirits" and pantheons of "lesser gods" ALL haunting us CONSTANTLY, all giving instructions and advice and teaching and warning, causing nonstop noise and moral panic. And the INSTANT you "give one your attention", the SECOND you think of a name, the VERY MOMENT you even consider their existence, THERE THEY ARE, TALKING AND WATCHING YOU, and you CANNOT REVOKE THE "INTENTION". Now that you "called them to you," they will NEVER LEAVE. At least, that's the fear. As it turns out, ALL OF THEM would turn tail and FLEE the premises IMMEDIATELY, WHENEVER LAURIE WALKED IN. And people wonder why my biggest fear is "having to sacrifice headspace to be a good Christian!" I CAN ONLY BE A "GOOD CHRISTIAN" WITH HEADSPACE!!! Who prays when "I" refuse? THEY DO. Who keeps "me" from giving in to sin? THEY DO. Don't you DARE tell me that they aren't from God-- I cannot even count the days where HEADSPACE HAS BEEN MY ONLY CONNECTION TO GOD.
This bland and empty Tilly-brand Good Christian Girl™ pseudohell we've been living in since 2018 is so far away from God it's horrific. The scope and magnitude of the SINS we committed DURING that fake-pious lifestyle are demonic proof of this.
...I'm afraid that if I spend my whole day and all my mental power "talking to Saints," it will cut me out of headspace-- out of my own heart-- to a fatal extent. I will "have to trade." But... is that inevitable? When-- if-- I get to heaven, I'll have to talk to all these people anyway, FOREVER. And I won't be able to "be" a System, right?
Now THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR. Who am I without them? I'll tell you, because I know, it doesn't vary-- without headspace, without the Spectrum, I AM A FAITHLESS, LOVELESS, PROUD AND GLUTTONOUS WHORE.
I can't continue this topic right now. It's getting too deep and we are on a very tight schedule. But DO NOT ABANDON THIS TOPIC.
...
When I mentally ask a Saint to "pray for me," I don't want to get a reply back. I don't want to start a conversation or open up any mental connection. I am filing my sincere request, to be duly forwarded, and that's it. Meeting them in Heaven is a whole different thing; I can look forward to that IF I DON'T "RUIN IT NOW." I do not trust my mental state or discernment, for one, but even more essentially the two should not overlap. As long as I'm still battling demons I should not be trying to chat with saints. I ABSOLUTELY need their help, especially since I'm at war, but being "friends" as anything more than beloved "pen pals" is not possible for me right now, either spiritually or mentally.
...Still, in this different typing state of mind, as someone who never had earthly friends & misses having a family, part of me does "want to be friends" with some saints. I'm afraid of a few of them, for trauma reasons mostly, but it's not their fault. Logically I know they're good and won't hurt me, but my instincts won't dare expose our psyche to such triggers as we are now.
Still, she has a point, but as a social, it's tricky. The idea of being friends with holy people is appealing to socials for two reasons: first, it implies that they themselves have somehow become worthy OF such social connections, and able TO sustain them; and two, it gives them a "group identity" in which they can "lose themselves" and so live entirely for others instead of self. This is problematic because it erases the core concept of individuality within a whole that our current understanding of Heaven seems to emphasize? The Social "groupself" ideal works on paper, as long as you're just a servant or mirror. But it prevents intimate relationship BY DESIGN. As long as you never have to be "you," never have to exist as an "other" who MUST therefore self-disclose and self-identify, then you cannot "BE loved" because you're NOT A "PERSON". Social service is "loving" only in the incomplete sense of obedient servitude. But it cannot offer. It cannot comfort or console or encourage.
So how DO you Socials define "friendship?" How would you actually describe the dynamic between you and the Saints, if we got to heaven and you were the winning face? What would your reaction be? Would you even love GOD enough TO be a friend to His Children in truth?
Okay we are MADLY SWITCHING at this point so we MUST stop for now.

Back to the MDE=
The second devotional was about Saint Bernadette, being unaware even of her capacity for piety during her life? She "couldn't meditate" on mysteries and didn't have lofty exultations of faith, nothing intellectual or inspired, so to speak... all she did was simply pray, especially the rosary, and attend Mass. But her faith was so true and powerful IN ITS UTTER SIMPLICITY that it profoundly sanctified everything she did?
Quote the verse about "she was too humble to even consider" her holiness??
ALSO comment about Eucharistic fasting, made us panic. Are we being too vainly scrupulous in that reaction? Has God MADE us "incapable of great fasts" ON PURPOSE to keep us from getting proud, or feeding more anorexic tendencies?
...


ttywpf = Another massive gutpunch, following directly on yesterday's:
"Jesus has the power, through the power of His Spirit, to renew hearts. We need to be confident of this. If we do not trust in Jesus’s power as the only means of salvation, if we do not trust that He is the only One who can make something new, we are false Christians; [without this trust,] we are not truly Christian.
Do you trust in Jesus’ power? Do you think He can renew your heart? Do you believe He is the only means of salvation? Ask Jesus to give you faith."
...No wonder we struggle still.
WHY is it SO BLOODY HARD to trust that Jesus CAN and WANTS TO and WILL renew our tumor of a heart? Is it because we wouldn't know HOW to see OURSELVES as a "renewed person"??? We won't let go of our self-hating horror long enough TO be made new, because deep down we want out ENTIRE PHYSICAL HISTORY AND BODILY SELFHOOD TO BE COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED. We're just that evil.
WHY ARE YOU USING "WE" IN REFERENCE TO THAT???
Because "I" denies the multiplicity that was inherent in the worst evils, even if that same multiplicity was equally inherent in our greatest good and loving acts, albeit via different "selves".
Well, if you're gonna use "we" for your despondency argument, at least give Julie some credit for heavens sakes.
...once again, the System brings us right back to God.
Our existence, all of us together, has PROVED God to us, and with our multiplicity as a foothold then yes, we CAN AND DO BELIEVE AND TRUST IN GOD'S POWER TO RENEW ANY HEART, EVEN OURS.
...but that hope and trust can only exist in a System consciousness. All somafoni-- INCLUDING the thriskefoni, in frightening irony-- are incapable of that hope. They see only doom and despair, and their only hope is for the hard drive reset of death. WHY IS THIS.
...

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VOTD = Job 19.

Some very striking thoughts on Job from the reflection, taken bit by bit=
"Job’s hope throughout his trial is rooted in God's character and promises. Even through his discouragement, He consistently reminds himself of God's justice and love... God is Job’s ultimate redeemer. Regardless of how circumstances change in his life, God is the One Who ultimately rescues him in the end. After the suffering and grief passes, God will still remain. This is the hope that Job holds on to, and so must we, in our own sufferings and grief-- for Job's God is our God, the Unchanging One who will ultimately redeem us, too, in the end."
There's been a ton of emphasis lately on God's unchanging Character, which is admittedly not something we ever properly understood before-- let alone hoped in. We never really knew WHAT God's Character was, not in truth... and we were scared TO hope that it wasn't only unchanging, but actually purely truly GOOD... and remained so towards US.
I also find it very notable that God's Character is frequently and directly linked TO HIS PROMISES. Again, this was a connection we never would have made on our own. First, yes, God DOES make promises, and second, He makes them ACCORDING TO HIS CHARACTER. That actually applies in two ways: BOTH the act of making, and the content of, His Promises are reflections of God's essential Character: "He is the kind of God TO make Promises, and THIS is the sort of Promise He makes."
That is what Job reminds himself of, consistently-- every single time despair threatens to bury him, Job clings to his sole lifeline, the one thread of hope that can never break-- God's Character. And what about it, specifically? God's justice and love.
...
The last bit is what spun me. First, Job is convinced that "God WILL rescue him." But on what grounds? His Character. That's ASTOUNDING.
Job recognized that, despite the depths of his earthly agony, it was all temporal. It wasn't forever, because God alone is eternal, and with God there is no suffering and death. In the end, at the very end of all things, His Redeemer LIVES.
...

A sudden thought from the lotophagoi =
We struggle to "trust in God's goodness" PROPERLY, because if we truly believe that He IS Good and Righteous and Merciful and Loving, BUT we ALSO believe that God KEEPS "PUSHING US AROUND," with our childish terror of spilling food and dropping things as "signs of angry punishment"... then we EQUATE THE TWO. Our brain then believes that IT IS GOOD FOR US TO BE HURT. Our brain believes that God WANTS us to be punished because THAT WOULD BE TRULY MERCIFUL. We start to believe that He WON'T protect us from attackers or robbers or rapists because THAT WOULD BE RIGHTEOUS AND KIND, somehow, as far as WE were considered. It's a devilish twisting of "God's unchanging Character" in a way that STILL EXCLUDES US FROM ANY TYPICALLY DEFINED COMFORT OR PEACE.
...

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Trapp commentary begins today.
He's unfortunately very anti-Catholic so we must tread carefully; nevertheless, the man loves God so there is still wisdom in his words.


"[Magdalene] thinks nothing too good [to spend on] Christ, whom her soul loved. She will honour Him with the best of her substance; she knew there was nothing lost; but though it took from the heap, yet it increased the heap; as it is said of tithes and offerings in Malachi 3:10. This made David [insist] that he would not serve God of that which cost him nothing; and [therefore] he made such plentiful preparation for the temple-work. It is both love and good husbandry to make our service to God costly: His retributions are bountiful... Whatever the cost, it is a profit to make the cost in the name of piety."
This is perfectly timed, concerning our recent fears & struggles with "sacrificing everything for Christ." Apparently we're standing on the wrong foundation. Magdalene must be our example.
First, she didn't see it as a "sacrifice" in the butcherknife sense. She saw this outpouring as a gift, as a present to the One she loved. In that context, no expense was too great-- I can actually attest to this with our sibling's recent birthday, and even our time living with Oliver. Love naturally needs to give the best & most that it possibly can, and will not rest until it does; to do anything less would be unthinkable-- any counting of cost or cutting of corners would be a flagrant dishonour to both the beloved and to the name of love itself.
...
Second: you don't lose anything in the sacrifice. That has me stunned. It's a paradox for sure, but it's true. It's a law of God,
...
Third: our love to God MUST be costly, if only because His Love for us was the most costly thing He could've ever done.
...
Fourth: the only true profit is piety.
...

"I have a greater fear in praises, and a greater joy in curses and blasphemies."
I just realized WHY= because the sorts of souls that WOULD curse one for their religion are NOT SPEAKING OF GOD.
...
This is different from Christ's hard corrections, though, for they were not curses but warnings of curses that sin would bring about; Christ spoke so critically out of acute loving concern, as nothing softer would have pierced through their hardened hearts.
...

"When He called Lazarus, &c. = This notable miracle, the evangelist, as he had punctually described it, so he cannot help but again and again recite it. We too should set forth God’s noble acts, and not be sated. David never tires talking of what God had done for his soul. Those in heaven have no rest (and yet no unrest either) crying, "Holy, holy, holy," &c., Revelation 4:8."
This makes me feel a lot better about constantly repeating our own deliverance stories; we tend to fear that we just sound hypocritical or arrogant or dramatic, that people will think we're just making things up for attention, when honestly it's ALL TRUE and we cannot help but constantly regive our testimony to God's "noble acts" in OUR poor existence. How could we not? When you experience such miracles, you cannot rest from singing them out, whether in tears or laughter, in pain or joy, because God has touched your heart and marked it forever and of course that's going to set you to perpetual music. To stay silent would be to suffocate your very soul.
...