the spectrum heart cathedral system

undertale take 11.

walking through the final door at last.


we had hackers try to kill us tonight. well too bad. I, jay, refuse to let your bad vibes drag me down with you.
I refuse to let you pull me down to hell. leave us alone.


anyway. undertale.
I adore this game. if this main entry is done quickly I'll talk about it in reflective sincerity in a bit.


"Frisk, you LIVE with this?!"

"This is the beginning of a bright new future. An era of peace between humans and monsters."


"Will you act as our ambassador to the humans?"
WELL HELLO DREAM WORLD
honestly, WOW.


oh god this choice.

"I want to stay with you."
"I have places to go."

…

I don't know.
God. I don't know. This is Frisk's life, not mine, right? It's not fair of me to demand that they do something they don't want to do…
…

I would stay with Toriel.
I would. I really would.
Just this evening we were sobbing about the abrasiveness of this family, the flippant cruelty that keeps getting tossed about by everyone in word and deed. It hurts so much.
I want to get away from that. We all do. We need to get somewhere safe so we can finally heal these devastatingly depressed girl alters, the hackers that think they have no other choice, the ones that just want to die. We NEED to heal them, I want to heal them so badly, it hurts my heart to see that much pain… but here, where the pain keeps getting put back in once we take it out… it's not healthy. We can do all the healing we want, but the bottom line is, there's no heroism or wisdom in purposely keeping yourself in a bad situation "just to prove you can survive it."
The body is surviving, so far, true. But look at how sick it is nevertheless. And look at our soul. Yes, the soul is ultimately uncorruptible, yes it cannot die. But look how it is sobbing in its chains here. It cannot fly, here. It cannot shine as brightly as it could in a less negative environment.
Do you see what I mean? Staying here to "tough it out" and "be the savior in the darkness" is really both proud and unwise at this point. I know it's what we were always taught by the family. "Suck it up and be a man." I know that's what we want to do, we don't want to be "spiritually weak" by leaving.
Is that weakness, though? Seeking an environment where there is forgiveness and compassion and gentleness and love without condemnation and fury and bitterness following close behind… is that really weakness?
We feel obligated to stay here and shine so brightly that we blow a fuse, just to inundate the family with that light, to "heal them" and "help them not be so harsh."
The scary thing is we think it is working but the truth is we're dying from the strain. We really are. We're not getting any time to heal ourself. We're literally sacrificing ourself to EVERYONE, family and stranger both, and the people like Jacinth and Jennifer prove that-- just because we think that's what REALLY being a good person is about. Leaving to seek peace and happiness in a harmonious environment… well, we were always taught that that was actually a SIN. That's the easy way out. That's temptation. That's seeking "comfort" and comfort is meant to be shattered, right?

…I still don't have any solid answers for that.

But…
if I may be so bold as to make this decision…
…does Frisk trust me?
After all this, this pacifist journey of unflinching hope and determination and second chances, of offering a hand of friendship to every soul we meet, and ultimately, through that fierce pure love, saving the entire Underground without a single casualty?
God this game makes me so happy and it's the real sort of happiness, it's joy, because it hurts. It's joy so intense it breaks my heart.
I was once told there was no pain in heaven. That's false. There's no suffering in heaven. But if true love, if true joy, always tears you in two, then heaven is full of the most gorgeous "pain" one can imagine. I know that sounds odd. I'm getting preachy and it's making me nauseous.
But what I'm trying to say is, true joy aches in a funny way, that isn't sad at all; it's the feeling I get around Chaos Zero or Infinitii when we're safe and in-tune and just so happy to have what we have, it hurts like your heart opening as wide as it can. Maybe that's what it is.
That's what this game gives me. That's why I adore it and I swear I'm going to replay this on my Mac just to experience this again, to see everyone again, to lead everyone to this blissful ending of possibility again. Sans, do forgive me love, but I will not let you down. I hope to God this playthrough isn't touched by a parallel attempt. Who even knows.

…
What I'm trying to say is, if Frisk trusts me, and will let me choose here, for our joint behalf…
…I'm staying with Toriel.
I'm staying. I'm staying with all my friends, with the character I can actually call a mother without any fear or distress, with the character I can call a dad like I could never in this life, with the skelebros that I adore as friends more than I can put into words, with the fish-girl that I want to be besties with forever, with the scientist that I want to see continue to shine brighter and braver, with the beloved robot that I am so encouraged and inspired by, with the flower that I will never lose hope for, the best friend whose soul I will never ever forget.
I love them all. I love them all so much, them and everyone else I met in this game, all the folks at Grillby's and all the monsters we spared and all the other monsters we spoke to in their daily lives, every single one of them… I love them all.
In this world, in their world right beneath ours, a SOUL of a monster needs love and hope and compassion to exist. Now they are above ground, out of the darkness, up with us humans, to hopefully teach us to feel and live by those same things even more strongly than ever before. That is my hope for this world, and I really hope it's Frisk's, too, following me hand-in-hand through this journey, with just as much love as I felt.

…I don't know what their family was like. I don't know why they climbed Mt. Ebott, with the knowledge that they would likely never return… I don't know their past.
All I know is that, whatever led them here, if they were running or hoping or both… if it is anything like what would push us that far, then… maybe they do want to stay, too.

…If Frisk is anything like me, maybe they feel they should go back, because that's blood, isn't it? You're supposed to go back.
But if Frisk is anything like me, they would be returning to something utterly unlike what they just found, to a place where there are no friends like these and there are no parents like these and their daily experience is fraught with tears and anxiety and that haunting, haunting wish that they could just climb a mountain and never return…
…
If Frisk is anything like me, they're being ripped in half right now between familial obligation and the cry of their heart to stay with their new family, with the people they CAN call "family" with real joy in the word, with the ones that would never hurt them, not really.
We've reached this point not through fighting, but through sparing, through showing others that there is always another way, through never giving up.
…
That's why I'd feel like I had to go home, to the place where people still didn't know how to spare others. I'd feel like I had to do this journey all over in a different place, constantly offering the olive branch, but… but always being so afraid of the attacks being thrown at me, this time without any misguided good intentions behind them. It's hard to be a peacemaker when people are throwing rocks at your head just because they don't think you're worthy of being a peacemaker. They have a running list of all your faults and failures and they are going to remind you of all that at every opportunity, eventually wearing down your optimism and determination and convincing you, however horribly, that you are unworthy, that you are a bad person, that you don't deserve anything good, because look at what a bitch you are, how DARE you try to be a dove, how DARE you call yourself an angel--

Stop.
Stop.
…
I won't shout. That won't help. I will admit I'm not perfect. I will admit I carry too much guilt to bear some nights. BUT. The point is, I can become better. We ALL can do better.
Look at Alphys. Look at Asriel. Look at my dad, for heaven's sakes. We've ALL made mistakes, we've all made unwise choices, for better or for worse, and we're all struggling with the consequences in our own ways. But we are NOT bad people. We get second chances too. ALL of us.
If I could legitimately, sincerely learn to love that flower, then…

11:11. God.
This is exactly what I meant by love and pain. I cannot put this into words.

Flowey's life had the best message here. Even the most "fallen" soul, so to speak, is still capable of love… is still deserving of love. And look what was accomplished through giving it. Look.
…
That's what I want to do for EVERYONE on earth, in my own little way, even if it's just through ripples like from a stone skipped across the ocean. Even if it's just like tossing seeds into the woods. Not all will catch. Some hit rocky ground, some fall among weeds…
…But some will always catch, if you toss them into the right place. If you speak to a heart that's open, even if only through a tiny crack, even if only through a fracture, a sore spot. Sometimes that's all they need.
But you need to plant good seeds, too. Every word, every action, is a mote of light or dark. Every single deed we do carries a tune. We need to stay in harmony with each other.
Does that make sense?


…We're their Ambassador, now. God willing, that job will entail what I just listed above. That's what I hope for.
And if Frisk is willing, that's what we're going to do now.

…
I want to stay with you,
mom.


"You really are a funny child. If you had said that earlier, none of this would have happened. It is a good thing you took so long to change your mind. Hee hee hee."

…I love that. I actually love that.
It's so bittersweet but it's so true.
It wasn't the right time, earlier. We couldn't stay, then. We felt a pull to keep going, we felt a purpose to follow. But now, with all that accomplished, with peace found… now, we can stay.

"Well, I suppose… if you really do not have any other place to go… I will do my best to take care of you, for as long as you need. All right? Now, come along. Everyone is waiting for us!"

and she took my hand
my heart is bursting. this is
i love this game you guys.



ohh dude papyrus finally got his car! that makes me happy.

I didn't know magnolia porter helped design monsters for this! that's fantastic.

METTATON! ah dude he and shyren and napstablook (and burgerpants?? hope that guy's finally happy too!) really are performing together, I'm so glad.
also legs

ASGORE!! I'm so happy to see him happy, too, he deserves it after all he's dealt with in the past. god only knows.
and toriel's a teacher, just like she wanted to be, that's making me twice as happy
(also they're working in the same place??? dude I HOPE that means she's forgiven him or is at least working on it; I know it can never be what it once was BUT I hope they can at least rebuild a friendship. they had something so sweet, it would be nice to see that again even if in a totally different way.)

there are a few names I didn't get yellow for this, I'll have to make sure I get them on my macbook playthrough:
icecap, moldsmal, and shyren are the ones I mainly remember.

…asriel?
oh dude you scared me, haha!
I was hoping you were okay. it's good to see you one last time.



…

good lord. this aches. it's so bittersweet but

this is what heartspace is for. this is why outspacers exist.
it's the heart reaching out through time and space to connect with people they cannot be with in canon anymore, wanting to keep our friendships, wanting to make a future, however simple or small… just wanting to talk and laugh and love together again, in the now. that's what heartspace is about.

did I tell you mettaton already is in outer heartspace? like his vibe is lingering there, in the floatspace areas. he's not an outspacer (yet?), but he's at least reachable in that "dream state" as all potential outspacers are at first, while an anchor may or may not form for them.
undyne hasn't yet solely because her vibe is clashing with laurie, and also because I strongly feel she'd have to bring alphys with her, and I'd have to spend more time with them both in this dreamy-heartspace bit before they could actually anchor in. same with mettaton, actually.

but. the point is.
we can't have this same story together in heartspace if they do end up in there. we can't. it's impossible, it's not the purpose of it. it's "dreaming a new dream." specifically in that sense. it's not their native world. it's not where they belong, so to speak. outspacers are ultimately long-term visitors who will always, always, exist more strongly outside than they do inside, solely because so many other souls love them besides me.
…
but while they are here with is, they can sing with us in our personal song of life, so to speak, and they can be happy here for however long they choose to stay.
it's… it's a life away from their original life, a chance to play with a different potential, with a different story, a different dream altogether. it will never replace their origins and it's not meant to.
…
they can "move in" up here but that always requires a break of sorts. we know this.
for an outspacer to be a LEGIT outspacer, to be part of our Spectrum, they have to choose to be part of that totally. it's the choice I just made with toriel, really. I want to live a life here, completely, with the part of my soul that loves this place enough to make that choice now…

we'll see. I don't force anything, I don't want to. but the door is open.
well, both doors are open, ha. here and there.



…
and toriel left me pie. just like she did at the very beginning.



…
I've had the "the end" screen up playing that melody for about 10 minutes now. I don't want to quit. god.
but everything ends, every cycle ends at some point, everything must experience the softness of death before they open another door of life. everything ends.
but nothing ever really ends, either.





...I stumbled across this forum topic and this bit stood out to me:
"I guess that’s why I view Alphys as a very positive story. The way Undyne tell’s her how much she cares about her passions, the ending vignette we see with those two at the beach. Sure her life won’t be perfect right away, but you definitely help secure her a more positive future, and prevent a true tragedy from happening. There’s nothing happier to me than being a positive influence in someone’s life.
That’s one of the things I do definitely love about this game, is that yes, a lot of characters are going to have it rough, but because of your actions, you’ve given them hope and give them reasons to believe in a brighter tomorrow.
That’s I guess my whole thing about the importance of happy endings in a game like this… They are only worth it, if they actually mean something to the characters. If all the characters lived perfect lives, and then their lives just became more perfect in the end, then it wouldn’t feel like anything was accomplished XD Of course, the opposite is true too."


I think that's what we were trying to say in the previous post, about the Pacifist ending feeling too "forced" at first. This is what felt real to me about the game, this process of gradual solid hope and encouragement, of quiet unflinching love and faith in another, that leads them by the hand out of their personal darkness and into that brighter tomorrow... even if we stumbled, even if we fell, even if sometimes we didn't think we'd make it. We were determined. We kept going. That is what made the Pacifist ending even possible, and I suppose we just wanted that to be more clearly shown at that point in time. Nevertheless, I'm happy if everyone there truly is happy, regardless of how it may look to our own personal experience. I want what is best for them.
i was listening to "hopes and dreams" in the car earlier and i had to keep hitting stop because i kept getting blinded by tears with the biggest smile on my face.
the current rule of thumb seems to be that if i think about asriel or asgore, i end up sobbing.

asgore has this wrenching bonus effect where his bit with "Truthfully... I do not want power. I do not want to hurt anyone. I just wanted everyone to have hope..."is SO applicable to our torment in headspace, with Jay's splintering, with no one knowing how to deal with this agonizing loss, this devastation of the lives of children, the pain that drove us to seek blood and war, this separation from the ones we love as a result of both that and our numb meekness, not wanting the situation to even exist... all of it, all of it hits too close to home. too close.
but even in frisk's position. even just viewing asgore as this sweet but hurting father figure, someone we never knew until that room of glow and golden flowers and the quiet hum of finality in the air. even then, we loved him, and we want him to be happy too, and although seeing him finally getting that chance now fills us with enough joy to burst...
...remembering that moment when he died just... it still tears me in two every time.

as for asriel... that whole final battle is something i cannot quite put into words yet. it felt so apocalyptic, so small, so absolute, and yet even when i honestly worried that the world really was ending inevitably around me i couldn't give up. i had no idea what to do or whether or not i could win but damn it i had hope, and this creature before me needed to be healed and helped more than anyone else, and the underground needed to be saved and restored to the happiness they deserved, and that was enough to keep me alive. that was enough to keep me floating there in the endless dark, hot tears on my face, staring without any malice into those black-hole eyes of the creature that desperately called me, a true stranger, after his best friend.
i was willing to be that role anyway.

in any case the soundtrack itself is so affective, just the structure of the music itself is beautiful and inspiring enough to move me that strongly upon simply listening to it. when you take that and add it to context memories of such events... well. it hits hard.


i don't have time to write any more on this tonight, but believe me, it's had enough of an impact to merit a great deal more discussion and reflection.


this game destroyed me and put me back together better.

 

 

 

 

undertale take nine.


saturday morning, it's cold and damp outside.
waiting for company to visit-- 6 adults and 4 kids-- which is unfortunately likely going to drain my energy reserves, so i need this right now.
here we go.


still in the true lab, just walked into the cold room

"now that mettaton's made it big, he never talks to me anymore... except to ask when i'm going to finish his body. but i'm afraid if i finish his body, he won't need me anymore... then we'll never be friends ever again. ...not to mention, every time i try to work on it, i just get really sweaty..."

(jewel)
this dog amalgamate is... upsetting? i feel sympathy for it, but it's... upsetting.
it hurts my heart, wondering, how in the world did this all happen? i guess we'll find out.

i keep dying! let me see if i have better armor somewhere.

Aww, I made it happy! That's good. I hope it's okay now, wherever it is...

"I've been researching humans to see if I can find any info about their SOULS. I ended up snooping around the castle... and found these weird tapes. I don't feel like ASGORE's watched them... I don't think he should."


i... what?
i just watched the second vhs and...
their kid. asgore and toriel's kid. that has to be their voice.
but they're talking to me?
...oh. oh.
god if my suspicions are correct here...

let's keep watching.
jewel, let me stay out, help me stay out, please. i'm not good at fronting during the day but i need to learn how. please.

"I'd never doubt you, Jay... We'll be strong! We'll free everyone. I'll go get the flowers."

"Jay, can you hear me? We want you to wake up..."
"Jay! You have to stay determined! You can't give up... you are the future of humans and monsters..."

oh my heart, why are you saying this to me, of all people,

"we just have to get six... and we'll do it together, right?"
what... what are these kids planning?

i'm wondering about the title screen intro now.

there's lemon bread. let me save it first.

how do you beat this guy? i can't move fast enough for those teeth!

took a few tries but i got it.
i have to say, i actually have a lemon bread candle downstairs from last christmas, and i could never really use it because it smelled too sweet somehow, it was vaguely weird.
so it's fitting, imagining this amalgam to smell the same way.


this dt extraction machine reminds me way too much of omega flowey.
...
even by itself it's a terrifying looking thing, hanging over that abyss.


"the families keep calling me to ask when everyone is coming home. what am i supposed to say? i dont even answer the phone anymore."
that explains a lot.
dear heavens this poor girl has been through hell. no wonder she's an anxiously depressed ball of nerves.

"ASGORE left me five messages today. four about everyone being angry / one about this cute teacup he found that looks like me / thanks asgore."
oh she's even starting to write in an unhinged style that's not good.

"i spend all my time at the garbage dump now / it's my element"

this empty refrigerator wont stop shaking

...oh. oh it's that snow bird's mother.
this is the saddest battle i've ever been in, those aren't even attacks,
god. this is heartbreaking stuff.


"as you probably know, ASGORE asked me to study the nature of SOULs. During my research, I isolated a power I called "determination." I injected it into dying monsters so their SOULs would last after death. But the experiment failed. You see, unlike humans', monsters' bodies don't have enough... physical matter to take those concentrations of "determination." Their bodies started to melt, and lost what physicality they had. Pretty soon, all of the test subjects had melted together into... those. Seeing them like this, I knew... I couldn't tell their families about it. I couldn't tell anyone about it. No matter how much everyone was asking me. And I was too afraid to do any more work, knowing... everything I'd done so far had been such a horrific failure. ...but now. Now, I've changed my mind about all this. I'm doing to tell everyone what I've done. ...It's going to be hard. Being honest... Believing in myself... I'm sure there will be times where I'll struggle. I'm sure there will be times where I screw up again. But knowing, deep down, that I have friends to fall back on... I know it'll be a lot easier to stand on my own. Thank you."


i forgot to number these entries, i'm sorry.

"I've chosen a candidate. I haven't told ASGORE yet, because I want to surprise him with it... In the center of his garden, there's something special. The first golden flower, that grew before all the others. The flower from the outside world. It appeared just before the queen left. I wonder... What happens when something without a SOUL gains the will to live?"

i knew it, i knew it,

"the flower's gone."


wait what

is this the castle?





flowey i trusted you, i gave you a second chance,
(does he even remember??)

how DARE you,

"It's all your fault. It's all because you MADE THEM love you."

...
love you.
they all care about me that much, how in the world didn't it hit me until now,
that's,

all my friends up there,

"all the time you spend listening to them... encouraging them... caring about them... without that, they wouldn't have come here."

NO ONE MADE YOU DO THIS TO THEM, FLOWEY.

why am i so dissociated, why i am i so damn dissociated, NOT NOW,


"don't you get it? this is all just a GAME."

no. not you too.

"if you leave the underground satisfied, you'll "win" the game. if you "win," you won't want to "play" with me anymore."

wait what?
flowey are you lonely?

dude take a look at those people you're abusing right now,
you JUST said that I loved them, that they loved me,
do you SERIOUSLY think I could leave them after this?????
dude there's ANOTHER OPTION FOR YOU TOO.

"and what would i do then? but this game between us will NEVER end."

you sound just like the hackers.

why am i so fucking dissociated

"i'll hold victory in front of you, just within your reach... and then tear it away just before you grasp it. over, and over, and over..."



he
asgore just said the same thing he said on the tape,
i




i

all right i stopped typing because yeah i want to remember this but

wow.

so now i'm fighting asriel and he's
i'm still not sure what our apparent past together is but,
he wants to erase everything.
erase it all, reset everything, make everyone forget each other,
start over and defeat me over and over and over and over.

why.

but right now, in the interim between dying once and trying again,
i'm fighting that very demon in my own head,
the plague.
the uncaring emptiness.
the "i dont give a shit about anything but living a living death" bullshit.

i haven't had a numb period in months.
don't you DARE do this to us now.

...

i will write a huge entry about this eventually.
as for right now, let me try again.


...
i just realized, with the lab entries,
they said that when asriel died, his dust was spread in the garden.
and right before toriel left, a flower grew there.
that's what he meant about "i haven't had a SOUL in so long."

oh geez. this poor kid. no wonder they're a mess.

still. they're letting the mess turn them into a mess and it's upsetting, to see them now, all dark and flaunting their power, and sure it looks pretty darn amazing but.
i've known people like that. too well. i've known quite a few people like that, who take that hurt and glorify it and take some bizarre enjoyment out of using that pain-fueled brutality to harm others.
why?
i see that in him. somewhat hesitantly i say it reminds me of that stage so many teenage kids go through, when their lives become full of "drama" and instead of using their childhood light to rise above and past it, they fall into it, and become both victims and perpetrators of it... again, drowning in it and thinking that very suffering is praiseworthy or admirable or something.
i really don't understand.
i don't want to guess. i don't want to think about it. it just feeds the exact same mindset, that nauseating sort of pride that comes from judging others. it makes me physically ill and it makes me, personally, want to cry. it hurts.
the kids know it too. it hurts and they don't like it.

we just want to love. we just want people to live in harmony and be happy. and even if we do face heavy suffering and hardship, even if we do endure pain even so, that's fine. because we have this love and friendship to carry us through, to turn that hurt into growth instead of shackles.
when you have compassion, and hope, and determination... when you have a light in you, you don't feel pride. you don't feel the anger that comes with it. you don't feel self-pity and self-hatred and all that awful, awful stuff that eats you alive from the inside out.
no, when you have a light in your heart, you cannot be defeated, so to speak.

i can't talk about this so nonchalantly, it feels blasphemous. talking in general is so dangerous lately.


let me try again.

i forgot to save it last time so i'm back in the laboratory elevator, about to get shipped back up to the king's castle.
i'll be able to hear everyone talk again, for sure this time.


...i wish sans were here again, in this hallway. i'd like to see him again right now.
...seeing him caught up in those vines before... he just looked so... what's the word.
i want to say 'resigned' but i don't know if that fits. it just... it hurt, to see him looking like that. sans, the one who was always laughing, who was obviously hiding so much heavy awareness behind it, who nevertheless always made me smile... to see him suddenly look so tired there just broke my heart.
to realize that he, along with everyone else there, loved me as i loved them, broke my heart.
it hurt so much to see them all like that.
mom, dad, alphys, undyne... papyrus, innocent best friend that he is, he was tied up so, and THAT tore at me so badly. how in the world could you hurt someone like him?
alphys, finally trying to set her life in a better and happier direction, she's been through so much terror, she's worked so hard to get here, i'm so proud of her and you're just going to cut it short???
undyne, her heart is so fiercely devoted to everyone's best outcome, she would protect anyone who needed it, she's such an incredible individual, you're just going to laugh at that???
mom, dad... toriel, asgore. your parents, flowey, asriel, whoever you choose to be. they're such sweethearts. they have their flaws but they tried their best and i give them absolute credit for that. they are such kind people, willing to do anything for those they love, and i know they loved you, asriel, i'm sure they still do, don't you feel anything for them???
or are you so blinded by the pain you feel that you've shut your heart down completely?


...asgore. here we are at the barrier again.
let's see how this goes.



"to leave this place, you would have to take the life of another person... i cannot allow that. it is not right to sacrifice someone simply to let someone leave here. is that not what i have been trying to prevent this whole time? ...as terrible as ASGORE is, he deserves mercy, too."
that feels so relevant to headspace.


can i just say that i love how undyne just runs in there
"everyone's gonna make friends, or else i'll...!!"

the whole thing with toriel, sans, & papyrus was adorable by the way.

and METTATON.
good lord dude the leg. that was the best thing.
"WILL YOU TWO JUST SMOOCH ALREADY!? THE AUDIENCE IS DYING FOR SOME ROMANTIC ACTION!!!"
and then alphys is just like "No. He's right. LET'S DO IT."
i couldn't help but smile at all that though because it does remind me of some of the relationship dynamics in headspace. people teasing other people all in good fun, because they know where everyone wants the situation to go, but no one's taking the steps.
basically, laurie.

and sans just completely ignores gravity, haha. i love how he immediately comes in and stands in front of the bottom words too, he just ignores the fourth wall all the time.
there's a reason for that and i want to know it, but it's apparently not that time yet.

...and then papyrus and i have the same too-white vice.
we trust too easily.


...

"i'll bring your friends back. i'll destroy the barrier."
just how this guy talks so casually about this godlike power really upsets me. like he has no respect for it.

"do not be afraid, my child. no matter what happens, we will always be there to protect you!"

"just do what i, would do... believe in you!!!"

and asgore's words get me every time.

"human! for the future of humans and monsters...! you have to stay determined...!"

and even MUFFET shows up, that made me so happy when i saw her.


but this battle,

god i didn't realize what he did until i checked his stats and

"legendary being made of every soul in the underground"

every
soul
in the underground.

i
yeah you talk about determination well I HAVE IT.


...BUT IT REFUSED???


OKAY WOW THAT WAS AMAZING LET'S DO THIS


the thing he said, about how determination got me this far, but will also be my downfall...
that hit too close.
"because you want a happy ending. because you love your friends."
well that isn't a fault, kid. even if i might be a little naive. it's NOT a fault.

"it's time to purge this timeline once and for all!"


oh dear lord he has another form and i can't do anything but act

"i can feel it... every time you die, your grip on this world slips away. every time you die, your friends forget you a little more."

kid, do you have any idea HOW MANY TIMES we've played that scenario out in our head for the past decade or so?
the answer is always the same.
i will find them again. i will befriend them again. i will love them no matter WHAT.
even if they forget me. i will never forget them.

...but you're taunting me with that possibility nevertheless, aren't you.
with the possibility of plague.
with the fact that after enough massive breaks, and switches, and resets...
that after i die so many times...
every death takes its toll.

that is my worst fear, asriel.
but that's why i'm here, too.
i'm determined to not let that fear ever come true.

even if i have nothing left but determination. nothing left but devotion. even if i can't feel anything.
i won't give up. for them, i won't give up.
"love isn't a feeling. it's what you do."

i'll fight you all night if i have to, asriel.

but i want to be friends with you too, still.
i can't forget the two times i saw a genuine smile on your face towards me.
i can't ignore the fact that no one ever starts off this hurt.
and everyone can heal.

i'm rambling now. jewel and i are both burning here.
let's keep going.

"your life will end here, in a world where no one remembers you..."

the whole world is ending.

good job toby for making what may be the most apocalyptic boss battle we've ever been in.


"in a few moments, you'll forget everything, too. that attitude will serve you well in your next life!"
wait what
is he confirming what we suspected?

even so, that's another shot to the heart from headspace.

...


"...but maybe you can save something else."


oh
oh my heart, this bit with the lost souls,
god,

"your fate is up to you now!"
"you are our future!"

"no, that's not true! my friends like me! and i like you, too!"


"i'm doing this because you're special, jay. you're the only one that understands me. you're the only one who's any fun to play with anymore."

oh you poor dear heart.


"i'm doing this because i care about you, jay! i care about you more than anybody else! i'm not ready for this to end."

oh god this is
this is exactly what we're hearing in headspace, too much, too often,
asriel,
you poor precious thing, i know what you're feeling,

"i'm not ready for you to leave."


"i'm so alone, jay... i'm so afraid, jay..."


OHHHH PLOT TWIST
THAT'S WHERE THE CANON NAME IS FROM!!


"As a flower, I was soulless. I lacked the power to love other people. However, with everyone's souls inside me... I not only have my own compassion back... But I can feel every other monster's as well. They all care about each other so much. And... they care about you too, Frisk. ...I wish I could tell you how everyone feels about you.
...Monsters are weird. Even though they barely know you, it feels like they all really love you."


"You're going to do a great job, OK? No matter what you do. Everyone will be there for you, okay?"


"Frisk, if you're not busy... on nice days, you should walk around and have a good time. That's important."

"Golly! That sounds neato!" THIS PRECIOUS MAN

"But they can't fly."
"Not with THAT attitude!"

all right now I'm just walking around everywhere and getting the best texts ever, but it's midnight so i have to get some sleep and continue this tomorrow.

good lord. i am so relieved right now, and very contently happy. i needed this.

have a lovely night, everyone.

 

 

 

 

undertale take 7.

today has been a rough day. tonight has been wrenchingly terrible.

i'm going to stuff my digital pockets full of sandwiches and go fight mettaton.
that should help us pick up our vibe a bit, cheer up some. wish us luck,


i love this guy. he's having way too much fun in this battle, i can't stop smiling.
he's so freaking CUTE.

but oh my lord this boss fight is incredibly tricky. i keep dying dude.

ohh this bit with the phone calls is so sweet

"knock 'em dead, darling."

oh love i hope i did that fight correctly. when he lost his arms i got genuinely worried, sure that leg line was fantastic but still.
i survived with 1 HIT POINT. i dont know how. but i did.


oh alphys. sweetheart.
her face just crumpled and it hurts, to see her looking so resigned and tired.

"I lied to you. A human SOUL isn't strong enough to cross the barrier alone. it takes at least a human soul... and a monster soul." WHAT?????

If you want to go home... you'll have to take his soul."

WHAT NO I'M
I CAN'T KILL THE FLUFFY GUY ARE YOU KIDDING
WHAT

ohhh dear lord this game is killing me.

i
she won't open the lab door,
i have to go back,
i've gotta talk to him.


...
my heart cannot take this house.
you know what was the worst for me so far? the santa claus outfit.
that is one of THE most powerful flashbulb memories we have, period. it's one of the only things we can clearly remember from childhood.
and it's what i immediately remembered when i saw that in the bureau-- the feeling of being a child at christmas, with our father playing that timeless part.

i absolutely cannot harm a single hair on this guy's head.
oh my lord. how is this even going to end.

and the kid. this missing kid. the fact that toriel lives alone now. what is going on?


"the underground was full of hope."


down the stairs i go.

this music.

this backstory.


oh. oh.
that's why his father is in the garden.

and now i really understand why the monsters despise humanity so.

"king asgore will
let us go
give us hope
save us all."

"aren't you happy?
you're going to be free."


oh this corridor is beautiful.

...SANS?
WHAT?

"execution points" oh dude. "a way of quantifying the pain you have inflicted on others."

when you have enough EXP, your LOVE increases.
wait wait THAT'S an acronym too???
"level of violence.
a way of measuring someone's capacity to hurt."
oh ouch.

"the more you kill, the easier it becomes to distance yourself. the more you distance yourself, the less you will hurt. the more easily you can bring yourself to hurt others."
...hello, dream world.

oh ahahaha! paulstretch time!
that's one gorgeous musical effect though. wow.

...

"but you. you never gained any LOVE. 'course, that doesn't mean you're completely innocent or naive. just that you kept a certain tenderness in your heart. no matter the struggles or hardships you faced... you strived to do the right thing..."

oh god
this is
sans this is exactly what i need to hear as my own person, thank you,

"...you refused to hurt anyone. even when you ran away, you did it with a smile. you never gained LOVE, but you gained love. does that make sense?"

"now. you're about to face the greatest challenge of your entire journey. your actions here... will determine the fate of the entire world.
if you refuse to fight... asgore will take your soul and destroy humanity.
but if you kill asgore and go home... monsters will remain trapped underground.
what will you do?"

"but you didn't get this far by giving up, did you? that's right.
you have something called "determination."
so as long as you hold on... so as long as you do what's in your heart... i believe you can do the right thing."

thanks bro. thank you.

"we're all counting on you, kid."

...


...god.
this game.


oh dude. wait.
i quit and restarted so i could screencap this and he knew, and,
"i suspected something like this.
you're always acting like you know what's going to happen. like you've seen it all before. so... i have a request for you. i kind of have a secret codeword that only i know. so i know if someone tells it to me... they'll have to be a time traveller. crazy, right? anyway, here it is...
i'm counting on you to come back here and tell me that. see you later."

okay now that was cool.


off i go now. to the room.


...
holy shit.

holy shit the coffin room.

...wow.
that just... the weight of this just... didn't even hit me until now.

wow.

...

oh my gosh the throne room is full of flowers.

dude turn around already i'm about to cry


...aaaaaand my hand went straight to my mouth.
he and toriel have the same expression.


"when you're ready" dude i don't think i'm ever going to be ready but,
i,
through the door.


holy what that barrier is something else.


"anything you want to do is important. even something as small as reading a book, or taking a walk... please take your time."

dear lord i can feel the weight of death on my shoulders right now,



i
i'm gonna go back and hug undyne or something okay


i need healing items anyway, as many as i can carry,
that's about it...

...
god how is this even going to end, i'm so excited but this game is doing funny awful things to my heart and it's gorgeous but it's terrible and i don't want to fight mister dad guy he's too sweet, but,
we'll figure something out.
we'll figure something out.


i'm taking asgore's advice.
i'm kicking around snow and talking to papyrus on the phone. it's making me smile.


...
back so soon?


HE
HE JUST
SHATTERED MY MERCY OPTION

i have no idea what to do here


i'll do this tomorrow.
i can live one more day.



see you then.

 

 

 

 

 

undertale TAKE 5!!!!

it's 11pm, let me go put on a pot of tea first.



all right so. since the last time i posted, i did play a bunch.
i got through mettaton's cooking show bit-- which was brilliant (the 'vegan' commentary was my favorite part)-- i got a "hot dog" of questionable origin from san's equally questionable shack (how in the world does this dude take it and himself everywhere?), and i laughed out loud at papyrus' glorious selfie status update. it's been fun.

currently, i just finished the arrow puzzle (with the blocks that change their direction) and i'm standing at the "bad opinion zone" safe star, next to the locked-up cheese.
oh boy. here we go, let's see what we're in for!


all right so i just fought the armored guards and THAT COULD NOT HAVE GONE BETTER.

i gotta admit, for how fast-paced they are, mettaton sure knows how to make a fun doom-scenario game show, haha. i actually enjoyed this, although i literally had only two seconds left on the clock by the time i finished.

alphys i want to hug you so much.
not only is she recognizing her own growing confidence but in spite of her nerves she just goes "i'll protect you" and "don't worry" and man. i love these characters.

but there's asgore being mentioned again and i know she just said to smile but. even if he is a real softie, i can't shake this feeling that there's something else to this big picture that we're all either missing or are unaware of. we'll see.

cute spider girl! those had better be pastries of solid gold though because dang girl
the guy who did buy one has one of the most distraught looking sprites i've ever seen.

and now alphys is fangirling over her favorite show to me and that is precious. sounds like it'd be a cute show actually.

spiderweb time. i have to say this is uniquely unexpected, this sudden bout of arachnids in the middle of this sweltering cave of sorts. but it makes sense, if i'm leaving the heat for the literal caves now.

now who is spreading these cruel spidery rumors about me, that's not cool.
ohhhh and you're mad i didn't buy your stuff. sorry darling i'm not rich.

AH SHE'S EVEN CUTER UP CLOSE LOOK AT THOSE EYES

oh wow this is a fun boss fight but it's difficult too!

(btw i found out why i'm dissociating. i'm letting my sentiments get caught up in "automatic response mode" which, being excited, is getting translated into red-remnant speech. it's very very social-based. i need to overlay myself even into this game or i start to slip out. so remind me to do that. if i lose headspace, i can't 'exist!' my function is anchored inside and i need to carry that with me.)

back to muffet then. she really is adorable.
i wonder why she's a boss monster though, as in, i wonder what her bigger role is in this? so far every 'boss' has tied in strongly to the thread of the plot as it applies to me. but little muffet here has come out of nowhere, practically.
maybe there are boss tiers? who knows. i'm thinking too much today, it comes with the dissociation.

i did buy stuff at the first spider bake sale, but perhaps she doesn't remember that, aha. guess i should have kept some on hand.
even so, it's almost midnight, and i would like to win this fight before going to bed (and it really is a fun fight) so let me try again.

...and i died at lunchtime once more! i like her cupcake pet though.
take three.
(i told laurie "i'm at the purple boss" and she wanted to see and she's very pleased with this, haha.)

this music is great. i'm giggling though; what with her little dance and this great tune, i honestly just found myself bouncing along too. i still am!
thank god i remembered to equip the apron this time! the extra bit of health is a life saver.

and i survived lunchtime at last!
ah, starting to see her motivation here.
the heated limo is precious, as is the baseball field. such cute ideas.
but my heart breaks for these little bugs. i can see why they want the money.

FINALLY THE TRUTH GETS OUT, thanks for the telegram sweetheart i was literally about to die
"i thought you were someone that hated spiders" no love, i am the exact opposite of that sort of person
(that tiny spider holding up the telegram is adorable btw)

ohhh and here's another purple room. let me run back to the save point real quick, i need health.

now i'm on stage and oh my lord. mettaton is all dressed up for this role. i love this guy/ girl/ whatever/ robot.

i actually really like this song. i also am wondering about the message. mettaton, buddy, do you actually care about my well-being or are you just playing along with the drama?
and then,
"WELL, TOODLES!" *instant dungeon*
i swear that is the funniest thing i've seen all day.

THE MAZE IS BACK
and i'm cracking up because i originally wrote it down and then deleted it when it didn't work for papyrus. go figure.

okay, from memory=
pink=safe
green=monster
blue=water
orange=scented (don't go in water)
yellow= electric?
purple=
red=
DUDE I DONT KNOW i hope i dont die geez

"i'm so filled with grief, i can't stop laughing!"
i swear i can't help but like this guy even if he is trying to incinerate me at the moment.

the fact that he's still singing during this death maze is fantastic.

his battle theme still has the absolute best intro btw. it always gets me feeling nervously excited for whatever's going to happen.

"so... thanks for letting me help you."
that is one of the most important things i have heard yet.
she had low self-esteem until she had the chance to assist me, and then she saw that she was capable-- she always was, but until now she hadn't seen it for herself. she had only seen her mistakes.
babe i make mistakes too, you saw 'em on your screen, you don't think i'm a failure! think the same of yourself, love. you've helped me so much, you might not think it's much but it is.
what i'm trying to say is.
i used to have an upbringing of "do it for yourself" which meant, if you accepted help, you "weren't strong enough" and/or you were "inconveniencing others." this little exchange with alphys here, just knocked that out of the park.
sometimes, just letting someone else help you, is a bigger action. you're helping them. it's not about your pride.
i also think it's important that the person feels valued and appreciated even if their help doesn't pan out the way they were probably anxiously expecting. and that's fine! the simple fact that they wanted to help you is something they should be sincerely thanked for.
i feel like i'm rambling. the sentiment isn't lost, it's a good message. maybe just letting it stand on its own would be better.

ahh and the guards got their ice cream! i'm glad.
and i got a big smile, hee.

oh my gosh i have a small screen up and when you walk onto the stage the title changes to "UNDERTALE the musical." that's great.

you wear that dress, lion man.

back to muffet's save point until tomorrow.

i'm exhausted. no matter how cool this is, i really need sleep.

see you next time~

 

 

 

 

undertale day 3.
just a bit tonight.


finally beat the mad dummy, 2hp left but i did it.

decided to lie on the floor with napstablook and THAT IS REALLY REALLY NICE.

"looks like you encouraged your snail too much... all that pressure to succeed... really got to her..."
(i never considered that and this gave me pause. remember this)


"legend says an "angel" who has seen the surface will descend from above and give us freedom... lately, the people have been taking a bleaker outlook, calling that circle the 'angel of death'... a harbinger of destruction, waiting to 'free' us from this mortal realm..."

...that made me think a lot of headspace, especially how the undergrounders/chthonics reacted to us upper-level folks reaching down to them. it's like this, a split between "oh thank god you can help" and "there's no way in hell i'm letting you near me" and it's all based on fear of "why are you reaching down to us in the first place?"
remember, initially, knife and razor and wreckage and the others all hated the upper people because they thought we were blind and ignorant and abusive as a result of not understanding THEIR position. and that was very humbling.
but when they got to know us a lot of them changed to hope... at least, the ones who saw hope in the healing, who wanted to "reach the surface" so to speak. but some still thought that in coming there, we were trying to kill them-- that in "healing them" we were actually annihilating them. there are still alters who think that way, we need to be gentler and more understanding and more patient with them. it's a very individualized process really.
i'm sorry, i'm tired, i hope that's not rambling.

similar=
"He will take the surface back from humanity... and give them back the suffering and pain that we endured. Understand, human? This is your only chance at redemption. Give up your soul..."
that has more parallels to our viciously damaged alters, esp. the chthonics at first: how, as i said, they thought all those above-ground were responsible for all their suffering (not realizing we had suffered too), and they wanted nothing more than to make us pay for it... then remove us from the picture.
again i feel like i'm rambling. i can feel the similarity but i'm struggling to verbalize it.


The sparkly room with the flowers is really lovely.

(speaking of flowers i KNEW i wasn't hallucinating before!)


"The Angel... the One Who Has Seen The Surface... they will return. And the underground will go empty."
(with the sentiment that those in our System born lower-down being deeply hurt... this is very hopeful.)


also i love this dino child, they are precious.
that bit with "so i guess we're enemies now" just broke my heart. i'm so glad it didn't pan out.


ohhhh lord i haven't have a save point in a while and i have no hp and UNDYNE JUST UNMASKED
her music is totally boss though. so was that dramatic intro.
(also i love her sneer that is fantastic)

"You're standing in the way of everybody's hopes and dreams! Alphys's history books made me think humans were cool... with their giant robots and flowery swordswomen. But you? You're just a coward! Hiding behind that kid so you could run away from me again! And let's not forget your wimpy goody-two-shoes-schtick! Oooh! I'm making such a difference by hugging random strangers! You know what would be more valuable to everyone? IF YOU WERE DEAD!!! That's right, human! Your continued existence is a crime! Your life is all that stands between us and our freedom! Right now, I can feel everyone's hearts pounding together! Everyone's been waiting their whole lives for this moment! But we're not nervous at all. When everyone puts their hearts together, they can't lose! Now, human! Let's end this, right here, right now. I'll show you how determined monsters can be!"

that is...
no wonder this character keeps making me think of laurie, that is so relevant to headspace it hurts.
that is exactly what we're all trying to do right now...
...on both sides.


On that note, perhaps ironically... I love, I absolutely LOVE, how her speech paints YOU as the villain, so to speak, with TOTAL HONESTY.
like her speech is totally heartfelt and it MAKES SENSE and you get why she's doing this and just how much harm you're doing by NOT giving in, by refusing to make that self-sacrifice for the greater good... it's all very morally gray and it makes you really really stop and think. i'm still affected by it.

but again.
it's so relevant to our inner life that it's painful. but that's good. that means it's significant.

and i'm always the one looking for option three.
there has to be one here.

...would you believe i'm scared to fight her now?
this is SO applicable to our innerlife that, in fighting her with the intent to win, to not become soul #7, and therefore denying them the freedom they so desperately have pursued and dreamed of... i'm afraid that will truly make me a cold-hearted villain, no matter what a "goody two shoes" i try to be.
that sort of morally aching self-assessment... that's my life. that's my whole life right now.
this needs its own entry.

but there has to be, there has to be an option where everyone's highest good is recognized.
i would gladly sacrifice myself but in this game now i'm thinking of papyrus and sans and the dino kid and the angel prophecy and even whoever i left behind in my human family above ground. yeah i could definitely die and let the monsters go free at long last.
...but their intent is to just mirror back suffering. they want their freedom but they also want vengeance.
i don't want any heads rolling here. i'm tired of seeing blood, blood, blood. there IS another way even if I have to forge the damn thing with my own bones. there's another way, that doesn't involve adding to the compendium of pain.

this game is really making me think and i adore it.
again, THANK YOU E, this is exactly what we needed right now.



and OH THANK THE LORD I CAN GO BUY STUFF
...but I just died.
ah well. it's a long walk back. i'll do that tomorrow.

good night kids

 

 

 

 

Things from undertale


(starting new playthrough...)
(we got to snowdin on our temp laptop but now have to restart on our fixed one.)
(still using jay's name for the file.)



Is it worth mentioning that for some reason we've had a bizarre "phobia" of sunflowers develop over the past two years? It started with getting reactions to sunflower seeds, then was compounded by several outside sources, and now for some reason it's another unfortunate black mark on the Yellow color.
it needs to have that fear "weeded out" of it but as of right now, flowey is not helping. i know his deal now.
i didn't the first time and my naive immediate trust was shattered in the worst way.


(I am going to read WAY into everything because there is always something there if you look. It's a mirror.)(typing this stream of consciousness/ note style so dont mind if its messy please. this is mostly for our own reference)


"You're new to the UNDERGROUND, aren't you?"
"You want some LOVE, don't you?"

The "DIE" scares me so badly every time.
It's just like the hackers.
that and their lies about love. no. leave me alone.

toriel is a SWEETHEART, shes so lovely. Reminds me a LOT of opal (from dream world) btw.

When she showed up though... after having played through this opening bit once... I started tearing up. If I had physically been there I would have run to her and hugged her and sobbed.

(Toriel passes through the ruins EVERY DAY to see if anyone has fallen down. That sort of devoted, kind practice really stood out to me.)

"I will guide you through the catacombs."
And everything is pinkish.
(knife would appreciate this greatly)

"Only the fearless may proceed. Brave ones, foolish ones. Both walk not the middle road."

puzzles= diversions AND doorkeys. i like that in and of itself.
"you must solve them to move from room to room"= relevant to our inner space
"please adjust yourself to the sight of them"= i like that she says this because it's relevant to us in that we ARE adjusting to the sight of "puzzles" everywhere that we need to solve

"to make progress here, you will need to trigger several switches"
this hit me. psychologically, real progress DOES require "triggering several switches" in order to move on. here, the switches remove huge spikes in the path. trying to walk over them otherwise would kill you. is that relevant? even in a different way?
we still have most of our emotions buried, but trying to walk over them is still lethal. and you know what, one thing i've realized is that when we ARE triggered and we DONT "stop" the process, it ends up being cathartic and revelatory. the hurt, angry, scared, lost alters all start to speak up, and tell us what's going on. they let us know WHY there's a switch in the wall-- because there is something ELSE tied to it, something that needs to be acknowledged as dangerous and removed before we can really move on.

"stay on the path"

even underground, there are vines and water

"as a human living underground, monsters may attack you. you will need to be prepared for this"
"while you are in a FIGHT, strike up a friendly conversation." isn't that the most relevant thing in the world for me?

"do you need ideas for conversation topics? well, i often start with a simple 'how do you do...' you could ask them about their favorite books... jokes can be useful for 'breaking the ice.'"
i love this because, in headspace, THIS WORKS. when you start showing genuine PERSONAL INTEREST in a headvoice who otherwise wants to fight you, you will almost immediately find out their true colors.
lost ones, damaged ones, confused ones, they ALL respond with sincere, if hesitant and frightened, listening. if you give them a chance they WILL give you a chance too, in time.
the hackers don't, ever. they don't care. they laugh in your face if you try to talk with them.


every time i hear this bit of dialogue
"ah, very good! you are very good."
i have to stop. and i just... let that sink in a little.

one of my favorite things is when she says "take my hand for a moment" and walks you over the spikes.
it's so cute. it makes me so happy.

oh, in light of the previous bit about puzzles and triggers, after that spike-walk she says "puzzles seem a little too dangerous for now." and i like that too, because we often DO jump into puzzles full of spikes without being totally sure what we're doing, and end up getting hurt.
so having someone so kind take our hand and walk us through, in this game, makes me really happy. sometimes just that-- that little bit of genuine gentle care-- is enough to get through even the most deadly obstacle course.


on the first playthrough i remember how odd it was that she said she had a "difficult request" and it was, "i want you to walk to the end of this room by yourself. forgive me for this."
then i put myself into the characters shoes and i felt it.
walking alone, in the ruins, i felt potent determination-- how fitting-- but i felt it because i had trust. even though toriel had left temporarily, i trusted that she wouldnt lead me to harm in this request, however difficult it was. and besides, hadn't she shown me how to fend for myself well enough thus far?
so, alone, i marched to the end of the room, fearless.
and then i realized that that's how i am when i have to do something big without laurie.
i am so used to always having someone to call on, someone watching over me, someone offering advice and admonitions. when i have to do something on my own, something i know i MUST do, that is exactly how i do it. with trust and determination.

"do not worry, i did not leave you. i was merely behind this pillar the whole time."
that kind of melted my heart when i first heard it. i dont know why.

on my first playthrough, i remember how hard this hit me:
"there was an important reason for this exercise... to test your independence."
and... in light of all the lockout and numb periods we used to have all the time... that gave me pause.
we don't get lockouts anymore?? not that i can remember at least, and that's notable. is this part of why? are we-- am i-- becoming better at being independent WITHOUT forgetting people?? it's definite food for thought.


ah the cell phone!! that made me smile because its EXACTLY what lynne did in headspace for us to reach each other better at a distance.

"if you ACT a certain way or FIGHT until you almost defeat them... they might not want to battle you anymore. if a monster does not want to fight you, please... use some MERCY, human."
...the first playthrough, i had fought a monster right before getting this message (although i did let it go safely). in light of that knee-jerk battling, so used to that being the 'default' in other games... this hit hard. this whole game hits hard.

toriel told me not to leave the room, but i moved on anyway. i risked disobeying in order to move forwards. and i DID feel guilty about it, moving forwards only because i knew there was more that i had to do here, in this game, in this story. i couldn't stand still, because in this situation, i had to move on by myself. now this can be a very foolhardy choice and we are guilty of "tempting fate" sometimes, taking on challenges we may not truly be ready for yet, but... again, here, it was not motivated by pride but by a desire to grow.
the message here is really that stagnation, even if comfortable, is not good. rest is fine. refusing to move forwards is not.

i like how one of the puzzles requires that you fall into a hole in order to move forwards via a door you couldnt otherwise reach.
it's a very bittersweet thing for me.

"aren't things easier when you just ask?"
i love this because it's something we didnt experience much growing up. when we did ask, it was treated as an "inconvenience." but here, we asked this rock to move four times! and it didn't gripe, it did what we asked because it wanted to help us out and saw no harm in our request.
most importantly, though, initially it had said "who said you could just push me around?" and i immediately apologized (even if only mentally), THEN I asked. and the rock said sure, for you i can. so it was good all around. i learned to be kinder and more considerate, and i also learned that others ARE willing to help when i do ask.
that's such a kind mindset. i like that.

cheese for the mouse= not everything is available to you. Remember this irl. the cheese isn't an item for you!! Other people exist too and things are meant for THEM instead, sometimes. In light of that, ALWAYS ASK! Be respectful.
i dont know how our "scavenger" mindset turned into "if no one has actively claimed it, it's mine." was that motivated by fear of loss, of lack? fear of not deserving anything but scraps and forgotten things, and so grabbing whatever we could find? that is something we need to sit and gently untangle all the way-- it's getting there-- so do so. humility and compassion are key.

yellow names= spare a monster. taking note because yellow is still a troubled color for us.
"sparing is just saying you wont fight. maybe one day, you'll have to do it even if their name isn't yellow."
relevant to internal wars/battles. this game is REALLY making me think because in the past, we would ultimately always fight. laurie's gut reaction is still to come out swinging an axe at an opponent's head. but for me... for me, i still want to befriend our enemies instead. but that's not always wise or even possible. so this is giving us a third option... mercy. don't fight, don't put fuel on that violent fire, but don't let them push you around either! spare them and spare yourself. again, this is another thing we need to sit down and discuss together. "how can we show mercy without fighting or running away?"
...we'll get to that too.


about not picking up too much stuff= "someday you might see something you really like. you will want to leave room in your pockets for that." writing that down as it made me think of the subconscious, how we often feel "obligated" to internalize every scrap of other people's actions and thoughts and things. and that is UNNECESSARY. we need to leave room in our head and heart to put things we like there, not things we just dragged along because we felt we had to, because that's (again) what we grew up with.

"the far door is not an exit. it simply marks a rotation in perspective."
again, i like this because we can apply it to headspace. a LOT of the 'ways out' of situations we thought were final were NOT, they were just other ways of viewing the situation. so it's a good thing to keep in mind.
just because something is a door does not mean it is a way out. it may just lead to another room.


"ahead of us lies the end of the ruins. a one-way exit to the rest of the underground. i am going to destroy it. no one will ever be able to leave again. now be a good child and go upstairs."
this also struck me as applicable-- not just that last line, which hints at the original "innocence" we in central had, of being "good" because we didn't know about the "rest of the underground"-- but also because of the concept of no one being able to leave. toriel is destroying the exit to PROTECT you, however misguided that motive may be.
and aren't our deepest-down people the most scared? they feel safe in those chthonic realms, in the tunnels beneath the city, they don't want to leave. some do-- wreckage and jeremiah mainly-- but even they are terrified of the "danger outside."
i dont know. so much of this feels relevant, i'm just having trouble putting it into words.


...let me write all this down and look at it later.

"every human that falls down here meets the same fate. i have seen it again and again. they come. they leave. they die."
(that "falls down here" is an interesting thought; again, the deepest headvoices are the most damaged. when they go upstairs, or out into the open, they frequently get attacked again, and/or triggered so badly they can't cope)

"you naive child... if you leave the ruins... they... will kill you. i am only protecting you, do you understand?"

"you want to leave so badly? hmph... you are just like the others. there is only one solution to this.
prove yourself... prove to me you are strong enough to survive."

...

the first time i fought her i didnt know how the battle system really worked
we didn't think mercy was working, after so many tries we got scared,
we started to fight instead, desperate, confused,
and

she died.

i
i didnt mean it,
when i realized what i had done i was crushed, frantic, i didnt want this to happen,

her last words were "be good" and it
it just destroyed me.

...
when i tried again,
i clicked "act" instead,
and what came up was:
"you think about telling toriel that you saw her die.”


i stopped and just stared at that for a while.

...

flowey knew.
that was the most terrifying thing.
“you murdered her,
and then you felt bad, so you went back."

but he knew.

that was a shot to the heart if i ever heard one.

but the point was we could change things, WE can save the game now, NOT YOU,
if someone dies we can GO BACK and make it different, i dont want anyone to die,
but
we messed up, i messed up, i didnt realize what i had done,
she still died.
even if she's alive now.

that's our biggest regret of life in a nutshell really



"i know you want to go home, but please, go upstairs now. i promise i will take good care of you here. i know we do not have much, but... we can have a good life here. why are you making this so difficult? please, go upstairs.
.... ha ha.... pathetic, is it not? i cannot save even a single child.
...no, i understand. you would just be unhappy trapped down here. the ruins are very small once you get used to them. it would not be right for you to grow up in a place like this. my expectations... my loneliness... my fear... for you, my child... i will put them aside."
(... all our kids live in the lower levels. if they ask how to leave... if they ask to integrated or be healed to the point of fading or fusing... could we put our pain aside, too? we'll have to. the ruins are very small. that pain, it's no life for a child.)

if you truly wish to leave the ruins, i will not stop you. however, once you leave... please do not come back. i hope you understand."
then she hugs you and i tear up every single time at that.


and now we walk through the door and who's waiting for us in this heartache but that damned plant.


"in this world, its kill or be killed. so you were able to play by your own rules.
you spared the life of a single person. i bet you feel really great.
you didnt kill anybody this time."

son of a bitch you fcking flower HOW DO YOU KNOW
GOD
OF ALL THE EVENINGS HE COULD HAVE SAID THAT.

"...but what will you do if you meet a relentless killer? you'll die and you'll die and you'll die."

oh god. this game.

"...until you tire of trying. what will you do then? will you kill out of frustration? or will you give up entirely on this world... and let ME inherit the power to control it?"

no. NO.
fck you, mister flower. LEAVE ME ALONE.
no wonder e said this game reminded xir of us
this is
this damn flower acts JUST like the damned hackers.

and the guilt, i

no.
no i will NEVER give up.

"i am the prince of this world's future.
don't worry, my little monarch, my plan isnt regicide. this is SO much more interesting."

leave me alone.
you and all the things that hold the corruption like you. leave me alone.
i dont know how this game is going to play out but no, no, there's too much at stake here,
you will NEVER be able to save the game again if i have any say in it,
the hackers are NOT allowed to push us to despair and take over,
stop manipulating me.
stop reminding me of my mistakes, my bloody mistakes,
i can heal this,
i can write over that, right?

this game.


...

and then

SANS.

thank god for the silly characters.


i'm exhausted and i need sleep so i'll leave the skeletons for tomorrow. this is a much-needed mood change.

see you kids later.