UNDERTALE DAY 1 (TAKE 2)

[prismaticbleed]

 

Things from undertale


(starting new playthrough...)
(we got to snowdin on our temp laptop but now have to restart on our fixed one.)
(still using jay's name for the file.)



Is it worth mentioning that for some reason we've had a bizarre "phobia" of sunflowers develop over the past two years? It started with getting reactions to sunflower seeds, then was compounded by several outside sources, and now for some reason it's another unfortunate black mark on the Yellow color.
it needs to have that fear "weeded out" of it but as of right now, flowey is not helping. i know his deal now.
i didn't the first time and my naive immediate trust was shattered in the worst way.


(I am going to read WAY into everything because there is always something there if you look. It's a mirror.)(typing this stream of consciousness/ note style so dont mind if its messy please. this is mostly for our own reference)


"You're new to the UNDERGROUND, aren't you?"
"You want some LOVE, don't you?"

The "DIE" scares me so badly every time.
It's just like the hackers.
that and their lies about love. no. leave me alone.

toriel is a SWEETHEART, shes so lovely. Reminds me a LOT of opal (from dream world) btw.

When she showed up though... after having played through this opening bit once... I started tearing up. If I had physically been there I would have run to her and hugged her and sobbed.

(Toriel passes through the ruins EVERY DAY to see if anyone has fallen down. That sort of devoted, kind practice really stood out to me.)

"I will guide you through the catacombs."
And everything is pinkish.
(knife would appreciate this greatly)

"Only the fearless may proceed. Brave ones, foolish ones. Both walk not the middle road."

puzzles= diversions AND doorkeys. i like that in and of itself.
"you must solve them to move from room to room"= relevant to our inner space
"please adjust yourself to the sight of them"= i like that she says this because it's relevant to us in that we ARE adjusting to the sight of "puzzles" everywhere that we need to solve

"to make progress here, you will need to trigger several switches"
this hit me. psychologically, real progress DOES require "triggering several switches" in order to move on. here, the switches remove huge spikes in the path. trying to walk over them otherwise would kill you. is that relevant? even in a different way?
we still have most of our emotions buried, but trying to walk over them is still lethal. and you know what, one thing i've realized is that when we ARE triggered and we DONT "stop" the process, it ends up being cathartic and revelatory. the hurt, angry, scared, lost alters all start to speak up, and tell us what's going on. they let us know WHY there's a switch in the wall-- because there is something ELSE tied to it, something that needs to be acknowledged as dangerous and removed before we can really move on.

"stay on the path"

even underground, there are vines and water

"as a human living underground, monsters may attack you. you will need to be prepared for this"
"while you are in a FIGHT, strike up a friendly conversation." isn't that the most relevant thing in the world for me?

"do you need ideas for conversation topics? well, i often start with a simple 'how do you do...' you could ask them about their favorite books... jokes can be useful for 'breaking the ice.'"
i love this because, in headspace, THIS WORKS. when you start showing genuine PERSONAL INTEREST in a headvoice who otherwise wants to fight you, you will almost immediately find out their true colors.
lost ones, damaged ones, confused ones, they ALL respond with sincere, if hesitant and frightened, listening. if you give them a chance they WILL give you a chance too, in time.
the hackers don't, ever. they don't care. they laugh in your face if you try to talk with them.


every time i hear this bit of dialogue
"ah, very good! you are very good."
i have to stop. and i just... let that sink in a little.

one of my favorite things is when she says "take my hand for a moment" and walks you over the spikes.
it's so cute. it makes me so happy.

oh, in light of the previous bit about puzzles and triggers, after that spike-walk she says "puzzles seem a little too dangerous for now." and i like that too, because we often DO jump into puzzles full of spikes without being totally sure what we're doing, and end up getting hurt.
so having someone so kind take our hand and walk us through, in this game, makes me really happy. sometimes just that-- that little bit of genuine gentle care-- is enough to get through even the most deadly obstacle course.


on the first playthrough i remember how odd it was that she said she had a "difficult request" and it was, "i want you to walk to the end of this room by yourself. forgive me for this."
then i put myself into the characters shoes and i felt it.
walking alone, in the ruins, i felt potent determination-- how fitting-- but i felt it because i had trust. even though toriel had left temporarily, i trusted that she wouldnt lead me to harm in this request, however difficult it was. and besides, hadn't she shown me how to fend for myself well enough thus far?
so, alone, i marched to the end of the room, fearless.
and then i realized that that's how i am when i have to do something big without laurie.
i am so used to always having someone to call on, someone watching over me, someone offering advice and admonitions. when i have to do something on my own, something i know i MUST do, that is exactly how i do it. with trust and determination.

"do not worry, i did not leave you. i was merely behind this pillar the whole time."
that kind of melted my heart when i first heard it. i dont know why.

on my first playthrough, i remember how hard this hit me:
"there was an important reason for this exercise... to test your independence."
and... in light of all the lockout and numb periods we used to have all the time... that gave me pause.
we don't get lockouts anymore?? not that i can remember at least, and that's notable. is this part of why? are we-- am i-- becoming better at being independent WITHOUT forgetting people?? it's definite food for thought.


ah the cell phone!! that made me smile because its EXACTLY what lynne did in headspace for us to reach each other better at a distance.

"if you ACT a certain way or FIGHT until you almost defeat them... they might not want to battle you anymore. if a monster does not want to fight you, please... use some MERCY, human."
...the first playthrough, i had fought a monster right before getting this message (although i did let it go safely). in light of that knee-jerk battling, so used to that being the 'default' in other games... this hit hard. this whole game hits hard.

toriel told me not to leave the room, but i moved on anyway. i risked disobeying in order to move forwards. and i DID feel guilty about it, moving forwards only because i knew there was more that i had to do here, in this game, in this story. i couldn't stand still, because in this situation, i had to move on by myself. now this can be a very foolhardy choice and we are guilty of "tempting fate" sometimes, taking on challenges we may not truly be ready for yet, but... again, here, it was not motivated by pride but by a desire to grow.
the message here is really that stagnation, even if comfortable, is not good. rest is fine. refusing to move forwards is not.

i like how one of the puzzles requires that you fall into a hole in order to move forwards via a door you couldnt otherwise reach.
it's a very bittersweet thing for me.

"aren't things easier when you just ask?"
i love this because it's something we didnt experience much growing up. when we did ask, it was treated as an "inconvenience." but here, we asked this rock to move four times! and it didn't gripe, it did what we asked because it wanted to help us out and saw no harm in our request.
most importantly, though, initially it had said "who said you could just push me around?" and i immediately apologized (even if only mentally), THEN I asked. and the rock said sure, for you i can. so it was good all around. i learned to be kinder and more considerate, and i also learned that others ARE willing to help when i do ask.
that's such a kind mindset. i like that.

cheese for the mouse= not everything is available to you. Remember this irl. the cheese isn't an item for you!! Other people exist too and things are meant for THEM instead, sometimes. In light of that, ALWAYS ASK! Be respectful.
i dont know how our "scavenger" mindset turned into "if no one has actively claimed it, it's mine." was that motivated by fear of loss, of lack? fear of not deserving anything but scraps and forgotten things, and so grabbing whatever we could find? that is something we need to sit and gently untangle all the way-- it's getting there-- so do so. humility and compassion are key.

yellow names= spare a monster. taking note because yellow is still a troubled color for us.
"sparing is just saying you wont fight. maybe one day, you'll have to do it even if their name isn't yellow."
relevant to internal wars/battles. this game is REALLY making me think because in the past, we would ultimately always fight. laurie's gut reaction is still to come out swinging an axe at an opponent's head. but for me... for me, i still want to befriend our enemies instead. but that's not always wise or even possible. so this is giving us a third option... mercy. don't fight, don't put fuel on that violent fire, but don't let them push you around either! spare them and spare yourself. again, this is another thing we need to sit down and discuss together. "how can we show mercy without fighting or running away?"
...we'll get to that too.


about not picking up too much stuff= "someday you might see something you really like. you will want to leave room in your pockets for that." writing that down as it made me think of the subconscious, how we often feel "obligated" to internalize every scrap of other people's actions and thoughts and things. and that is UNNECESSARY. we need to leave room in our head and heart to put things we like there, not things we just dragged along because we felt we had to, because that's (again) what we grew up with.

"the far door is not an exit. it simply marks a rotation in perspective."
again, i like this because we can apply it to headspace. a LOT of the 'ways out' of situations we thought were final were NOT, they were just other ways of viewing the situation. so it's a good thing to keep in mind.
just because something is a door does not mean it is a way out. it may just lead to another room.


"ahead of us lies the end of the ruins. a one-way exit to the rest of the underground. i am going to destroy it. no one will ever be able to leave again. now be a good child and go upstairs."
this also struck me as applicable-- not just that last line, which hints at the original "innocence" we in central had, of being "good" because we didn't know about the "rest of the underground"-- but also because of the concept of no one being able to leave. toriel is destroying the exit to PROTECT you, however misguided that motive may be.
and aren't our deepest-down people the most scared? they feel safe in those chthonic realms, in the tunnels beneath the city, they don't want to leave. some do-- wreckage and jeremiah mainly-- but even they are terrified of the "danger outside."
i dont know. so much of this feels relevant, i'm just having trouble putting it into words.


...let me write all this down and look at it later.

"every human that falls down here meets the same fate. i have seen it again and again. they come. they leave. they die."
(that "falls down here" is an interesting thought; again, the deepest headvoices are the most damaged. when they go upstairs, or out into the open, they frequently get attacked again, and/or triggered so badly they can't cope)

"you naive child... if you leave the ruins... they... will kill you. i am only protecting you, do you understand?"

"you want to leave so badly? hmph... you are just like the others. there is only one solution to this.
prove yourself... prove to me you are strong enough to survive."

...

the first time i fought her i didnt know how the battle system really worked
we didn't think mercy was working, after so many tries we got scared,
we started to fight instead, desperate, confused,
and

she died.

i
i didnt mean it,
when i realized what i had done i was crushed, frantic, i didnt want this to happen,

her last words were "be good" and it
it just destroyed me.

...
when i tried again,
i clicked "act" instead,
and what came up was:
"you think about telling toriel that you saw her die.”


i stopped and just stared at that for a while.

...

flowey knew.
that was the most terrifying thing.
“you murdered her,
and then you felt bad, so you went back."

but he knew.

that was a shot to the heart if i ever heard one.

but the point was we could change things, WE can save the game now, NOT YOU,
if someone dies we can GO BACK and make it different, i dont want anyone to die,
but
we messed up, i messed up, i didnt realize what i had done,
she still died.
even if she's alive now.

that's our biggest regret of life in a nutshell really



"i know you want to go home, but please, go upstairs now. i promise i will take good care of you here. i know we do not have much, but... we can have a good life here. why are you making this so difficult? please, go upstairs.
.... ha ha.... pathetic, is it not? i cannot save even a single child.
...no, i understand. you would just be unhappy trapped down here. the ruins are very small once you get used to them. it would not be right for you to grow up in a place like this. my expectations... my loneliness... my fear... for you, my child... i will put them aside."
(... all our kids live in the lower levels. if they ask how to leave... if they ask to integrated or be healed to the point of fading or fusing... could we put our pain aside, too? we'll have to. the ruins are very small. that pain, it's no life for a child.)

if you truly wish to leave the ruins, i will not stop you. however, once you leave... please do not come back. i hope you understand."
then she hugs you and i tear up every single time at that.


and now we walk through the door and who's waiting for us in this heartache but that damned plant.


"in this world, its kill or be killed. so you were able to play by your own rules.
you spared the life of a single person. i bet you feel really great.
you didnt kill anybody this time."

son of a bitch you fcking flower HOW DO YOU KNOW
GOD
OF ALL THE EVENINGS HE COULD HAVE SAID THAT.

"...but what will you do if you meet a relentless killer? you'll die and you'll die and you'll die."

oh god. this game.

"...until you tire of trying. what will you do then? will you kill out of frustration? or will you give up entirely on this world... and let ME inherit the power to control it?"

no. NO.
fck you, mister flower. LEAVE ME ALONE.
no wonder e said this game reminded xir of us
this is
this damn flower acts JUST like the damned hackers.

and the guilt, i

no.
no i will NEVER give up.

"i am the prince of this world's future.
don't worry, my little monarch, my plan isnt regicide. this is SO much more interesting."

leave me alone.
you and all the things that hold the corruption like you. leave me alone.
i dont know how this game is going to play out but no, no, there's too much at stake here,
you will NEVER be able to save the game again if i have any say in it,
the hackers are NOT allowed to push us to despair and take over,
stop manipulating me.
stop reminding me of my mistakes, my bloody mistakes,
i can heal this,
i can write over that, right?

this game.


...

and then

SANS.

thank god for the silly characters.


i'm exhausted and i need sleep so i'll leave the skeletons for tomorrow. this is a much-needed mood change.

see you kids later.