UNDERTALE DAY 11

[prismaticbleed]

undertale take 11.

walking through the final door at last.


we had hackers try to kill us tonight. well too bad. I, jay, refuse to let your bad vibes drag me down with you.
I refuse to let you pull me down to hell. leave us alone.


anyway. undertale.
I adore this game. if this main entry is done quickly I'll talk about it in reflective sincerity in a bit.


"Frisk, you LIVE with this?!"

"This is the beginning of a bright new future. An era of peace between humans and monsters."


"Will you act as our ambassador to the humans?"
WELL HELLO DREAM WORLD
honestly, WOW.


oh god this choice.

"I want to stay with you."
"I have places to go."

…

I don't know.
God. I don't know. This is Frisk's life, not mine, right? It's not fair of me to demand that they do something they don't want to do…
…

I would stay with Toriel.
I would. I really would.
Just this evening we were sobbing about the abrasiveness of this family, the flippant cruelty that keeps getting tossed about by everyone in word and deed. It hurts so much.
I want to get away from that. We all do. We need to get somewhere safe so we can finally heal these devastatingly depressed girl alters, the hackers that think they have no other choice, the ones that just want to die. We NEED to heal them, I want to heal them so badly, it hurts my heart to see that much pain… but here, where the pain keeps getting put back in once we take it out… it's not healthy. We can do all the healing we want, but the bottom line is, there's no heroism or wisdom in purposely keeping yourself in a bad situation "just to prove you can survive it."
The body is surviving, so far, true. But look at how sick it is nevertheless. And look at our soul. Yes, the soul is ultimately uncorruptible, yes it cannot die. But look how it is sobbing in its chains here. It cannot fly, here. It cannot shine as brightly as it could in a less negative environment.
Do you see what I mean? Staying here to "tough it out" and "be the savior in the darkness" is really both proud and unwise at this point. I know it's what we were always taught by the family. "Suck it up and be a man." I know that's what we want to do, we don't want to be "spiritually weak" by leaving.
Is that weakness, though? Seeking an environment where there is forgiveness and compassion and gentleness and love without condemnation and fury and bitterness following close behind… is that really weakness?
We feel obligated to stay here and shine so brightly that we blow a fuse, just to inundate the family with that light, to "heal them" and "help them not be so harsh."
The scary thing is we think it is working but the truth is we're dying from the strain. We really are. We're not getting any time to heal ourself. We're literally sacrificing ourself to EVERYONE, family and stranger both, and the people like Jacinth and Jennifer prove that-- just because we think that's what REALLY being a good person is about. Leaving to seek peace and happiness in a harmonious environment… well, we were always taught that that was actually a SIN. That's the easy way out. That's temptation. That's seeking "comfort" and comfort is meant to be shattered, right?

…I still don't have any solid answers for that.

But…
if I may be so bold as to make this decision…
…does Frisk trust me?
After all this, this pacifist journey of unflinching hope and determination and second chances, of offering a hand of friendship to every soul we meet, and ultimately, through that fierce pure love, saving the entire Underground without a single casualty?
God this game makes me so happy and it's the real sort of happiness, it's joy, because it hurts. It's joy so intense it breaks my heart.
I was once told there was no pain in heaven. That's false. There's no suffering in heaven. But if true love, if true joy, always tears you in two, then heaven is full of the most gorgeous "pain" one can imagine. I know that sounds odd. I'm getting preachy and it's making me nauseous.
But what I'm trying to say is, true joy aches in a funny way, that isn't sad at all; it's the feeling I get around Chaos Zero or Infinitii when we're safe and in-tune and just so happy to have what we have, it hurts like your heart opening as wide as it can. Maybe that's what it is.
That's what this game gives me. That's why I adore it and I swear I'm going to replay this on my Mac just to experience this again, to see everyone again, to lead everyone to this blissful ending of possibility again. Sans, do forgive me love, but I will not let you down. I hope to God this playthrough isn't touched by a parallel attempt. Who even knows.

…
What I'm trying to say is, if Frisk trusts me, and will let me choose here, for our joint behalf…
…I'm staying with Toriel.
I'm staying. I'm staying with all my friends, with the character I can actually call a mother without any fear or distress, with the character I can call a dad like I could never in this life, with the skelebros that I adore as friends more than I can put into words, with the fish-girl that I want to be besties with forever, with the scientist that I want to see continue to shine brighter and braver, with the beloved robot that I am so encouraged and inspired by, with the flower that I will never lose hope for, the best friend whose soul I will never ever forget.
I love them all. I love them all so much, them and everyone else I met in this game, all the folks at Grillby's and all the monsters we spared and all the other monsters we spoke to in their daily lives, every single one of them… I love them all.
In this world, in their world right beneath ours, a SOUL of a monster needs love and hope and compassion to exist. Now they are above ground, out of the darkness, up with us humans, to hopefully teach us to feel and live by those same things even more strongly than ever before. That is my hope for this world, and I really hope it's Frisk's, too, following me hand-in-hand through this journey, with just as much love as I felt.

…I don't know what their family was like. I don't know why they climbed Mt. Ebott, with the knowledge that they would likely never return… I don't know their past.
All I know is that, whatever led them here, if they were running or hoping or both… if it is anything like what would push us that far, then… maybe they do want to stay, too.

…If Frisk is anything like me, maybe they feel they should go back, because that's blood, isn't it? You're supposed to go back.
But if Frisk is anything like me, they would be returning to something utterly unlike what they just found, to a place where there are no friends like these and there are no parents like these and their daily experience is fraught with tears and anxiety and that haunting, haunting wish that they could just climb a mountain and never return…
…
If Frisk is anything like me, they're being ripped in half right now between familial obligation and the cry of their heart to stay with their new family, with the people they CAN call "family" with real joy in the word, with the ones that would never hurt them, not really.
We've reached this point not through fighting, but through sparing, through showing others that there is always another way, through never giving up.
…
That's why I'd feel like I had to go home, to the place where people still didn't know how to spare others. I'd feel like I had to do this journey all over in a different place, constantly offering the olive branch, but… but always being so afraid of the attacks being thrown at me, this time without any misguided good intentions behind them. It's hard to be a peacemaker when people are throwing rocks at your head just because they don't think you're worthy of being a peacemaker. They have a running list of all your faults and failures and they are going to remind you of all that at every opportunity, eventually wearing down your optimism and determination and convincing you, however horribly, that you are unworthy, that you are a bad person, that you don't deserve anything good, because look at what a bitch you are, how DARE you try to be a dove, how DARE you call yourself an angel--

Stop.
Stop.
…
I won't shout. That won't help. I will admit I'm not perfect. I will admit I carry too much guilt to bear some nights. BUT. The point is, I can become better. We ALL can do better.
Look at Alphys. Look at Asriel. Look at my dad, for heaven's sakes. We've ALL made mistakes, we've all made unwise choices, for better or for worse, and we're all struggling with the consequences in our own ways. But we are NOT bad people. We get second chances too. ALL of us.
If I could legitimately, sincerely learn to love that flower, then…

11:11. God.
This is exactly what I meant by love and pain. I cannot put this into words.

Flowey's life had the best message here. Even the most "fallen" soul, so to speak, is still capable of love… is still deserving of love. And look what was accomplished through giving it. Look.
…
That's what I want to do for EVERYONE on earth, in my own little way, even if it's just through ripples like from a stone skipped across the ocean. Even if it's just like tossing seeds into the woods. Not all will catch. Some hit rocky ground, some fall among weeds…
…But some will always catch, if you toss them into the right place. If you speak to a heart that's open, even if only through a tiny crack, even if only through a fracture, a sore spot. Sometimes that's all they need.
But you need to plant good seeds, too. Every word, every action, is a mote of light or dark. Every single deed we do carries a tune. We need to stay in harmony with each other.
Does that make sense?


…We're their Ambassador, now. God willing, that job will entail what I just listed above. That's what I hope for.
And if Frisk is willing, that's what we're going to do now.

…
I want to stay with you,
mom.


"You really are a funny child. If you had said that earlier, none of this would have happened. It is a good thing you took so long to change your mind. Hee hee hee."

…I love that. I actually love that.
It's so bittersweet but it's so true.
It wasn't the right time, earlier. We couldn't stay, then. We felt a pull to keep going, we felt a purpose to follow. But now, with all that accomplished, with peace found… now, we can stay.

"Well, I suppose… if you really do not have any other place to go… I will do my best to take care of you, for as long as you need. All right? Now, come along. Everyone is waiting for us!"

and she took my hand
my heart is bursting. this is
i love this game you guys.



ohh dude papyrus finally got his car! that makes me happy.

I didn't know magnolia porter helped design monsters for this! that's fantastic.

METTATON! ah dude he and shyren and napstablook (and burgerpants?? hope that guy's finally happy too!) really are performing together, I'm so glad.
also legs

ASGORE!! I'm so happy to see him happy, too, he deserves it after all he's dealt with in the past. god only knows.
and toriel's a teacher, just like she wanted to be, that's making me twice as happy
(also they're working in the same place??? dude I HOPE that means she's forgiven him or is at least working on it; I know it can never be what it once was BUT I hope they can at least rebuild a friendship. they had something so sweet, it would be nice to see that again even if in a totally different way.)

there are a few names I didn't get yellow for this, I'll have to make sure I get them on my macbook playthrough:
icecap, moldsmal, and shyren are the ones I mainly remember.

…asriel?
oh dude you scared me, haha!
I was hoping you were okay. it's good to see you one last time.



…

good lord. this aches. it's so bittersweet but

this is what heartspace is for. this is why outspacers exist.
it's the heart reaching out through time and space to connect with people they cannot be with in canon anymore, wanting to keep our friendships, wanting to make a future, however simple or small… just wanting to talk and laugh and love together again, in the now. that's what heartspace is about.

did I tell you mettaton already is in outer heartspace? like his vibe is lingering there, in the floatspace areas. he's not an outspacer (yet?), but he's at least reachable in that "dream state" as all potential outspacers are at first, while an anchor may or may not form for them.
undyne hasn't yet solely because her vibe is clashing with laurie, and also because I strongly feel she'd have to bring alphys with her, and I'd have to spend more time with them both in this dreamy-heartspace bit before they could actually anchor in. same with mettaton, actually.

but. the point is.
we can't have this same story together in heartspace if they do end up in there. we can't. it's impossible, it's not the purpose of it. it's "dreaming a new dream." specifically in that sense. it's not their native world. it's not where they belong, so to speak. outspacers are ultimately long-term visitors who will always, always, exist more strongly outside than they do inside, solely because so many other souls love them besides me.
…
but while they are here with is, they can sing with us in our personal song of life, so to speak, and they can be happy here for however long they choose to stay.
it's… it's a life away from their original life, a chance to play with a different potential, with a different story, a different dream altogether. it will never replace their origins and it's not meant to.
…
they can "move in" up here but that always requires a break of sorts. we know this.
for an outspacer to be a LEGIT outspacer, to be part of our Spectrum, they have to choose to be part of that totally. it's the choice I just made with toriel, really. I want to live a life here, completely, with the part of my soul that loves this place enough to make that choice now…

we'll see. I don't force anything, I don't want to. but the door is open.
well, both doors are open, ha. here and there.



…
and toriel left me pie. just like she did at the very beginning.



…
I've had the "the end" screen up playing that melody for about 10 minutes now. I don't want to quit. god.
but everything ends, every cycle ends at some point, everything must experience the softness of death before they open another door of life. everything ends.
but nothing ever really ends, either.





...I stumbled across this forum topic and this bit stood out to me:
"I guess that’s why I view Alphys as a very positive story. The way Undyne tell’s her how much she cares about her passions, the ending vignette we see with those two at the beach. Sure her life won’t be perfect right away, but you definitely help secure her a more positive future, and prevent a true tragedy from happening. There’s nothing happier to me than being a positive influence in someone’s life.
That’s one of the things I do definitely love about this game, is that yes, a lot of characters are going to have it rough, but because of your actions, you’ve given them hope and give them reasons to believe in a brighter tomorrow.
That’s I guess my whole thing about the importance of happy endings in a game like this… They are only worth it, if they actually mean something to the characters. If all the characters lived perfect lives, and then their lives just became more perfect in the end, then it wouldn’t feel like anything was accomplished XD Of course, the opposite is true too."


I think that's what we were trying to say in the previous post, about the Pacifist ending feeling too "forced" at first. This is what felt real to me about the game, this process of gradual solid hope and encouragement, of quiet unflinching love and faith in another, that leads them by the hand out of their personal darkness and into that brighter tomorrow... even if we stumbled, even if we fell, even if sometimes we didn't think we'd make it. We were determined. We kept going. That is what made the Pacifist ending even possible, and I suppose we just wanted that to be more clearly shown at that point in time. Nevertheless, I'm happy if everyone there truly is happy, regardless of how it may look to our own personal experience. I want what is best for them.
i was listening to "hopes and dreams" in the car earlier and i had to keep hitting stop because i kept getting blinded by tears with the biggest smile on my face.
the current rule of thumb seems to be that if i think about asriel or asgore, i end up sobbing.

asgore has this wrenching bonus effect where his bit with "Truthfully... I do not want power. I do not want to hurt anyone. I just wanted everyone to have hope..."is SO applicable to our torment in headspace, with Jay's splintering, with no one knowing how to deal with this agonizing loss, this devastation of the lives of children, the pain that drove us to seek blood and war, this separation from the ones we love as a result of both that and our numb meekness, not wanting the situation to even exist... all of it, all of it hits too close to home. too close.
but even in frisk's position. even just viewing asgore as this sweet but hurting father figure, someone we never knew until that room of glow and golden flowers and the quiet hum of finality in the air. even then, we loved him, and we want him to be happy too, and although seeing him finally getting that chance now fills us with enough joy to burst...
...remembering that moment when he died just... it still tears me in two every time.

as for asriel... that whole final battle is something i cannot quite put into words yet. it felt so apocalyptic, so small, so absolute, and yet even when i honestly worried that the world really was ending inevitably around me i couldn't give up. i had no idea what to do or whether or not i could win but damn it i had hope, and this creature before me needed to be healed and helped more than anyone else, and the underground needed to be saved and restored to the happiness they deserved, and that was enough to keep me alive. that was enough to keep me floating there in the endless dark, hot tears on my face, staring without any malice into those black-hole eyes of the creature that desperately called me, a true stranger, after his best friend.
i was willing to be that role anyway.

in any case the soundtrack itself is so affective, just the structure of the music itself is beautiful and inspiring enough to move me that strongly upon simply listening to it. when you take that and add it to context memories of such events... well. it hits hard.


i don't have time to write any more on this tonight, but believe me, it's had enough of an impact to merit a great deal more discussion and reflection.


this game destroyed me and put me back together better.