painted demons

[prismaticbleed]

 

(entry left completely uncensored for brutal honesty's sake)

 

TRACK 66 (march 4th 2014)

('clawteeth' retributor) All right. It's 8:19PM, March 4th 2014, you ask me what the fuck I just did? I'll tell you what the fuck I just did. I just broke two of the biggest fucking hacking methods we have around-- you should fucking thank me. *clattering* I don't give a shit. If it becomes a threat, it burns. That is the new rule, I will not compromise a thing. And you are so goddamn lucky, that this stupid Macbook is protected for some reason because I was about to smash it with a fucking sledgehammer, five seconds ago. I will burn it- to- the fucking- ground. Do not tempt me. I will do it. Why? Why the hell else? *clattering, then close to mic* You, right there. The purple one. Laurie Uberich. Are you aware that there are still hacks happening? You're not doing jack shit to prevent them? *pause* What the hell do you think I'm doing. The Retributors stopped. When they stopped this shit got worse. *pause* Why not? Why the fuck not? *pause* Hmm… you have a point. You win for now. I'll clean those. I'll boil them. I'll boil all this shit… this is going too. Remnant of the past… it's going. *pause* Why? Cause it reminds you of "the string shop?" Why? *pause* Why does your childhood matter? *pause, then with mocking laughter* "Your childhood matters…" Think about it. What the hell are they doing to get to you. What are their biggest hacking methods. This shit. Right here. *pause* Essence of what? You have other reminders. You don't- need- this. I'm gonna fucking burn it. *pause* Why? *clatter* There. It's gone. It's in the garbage. Stop being such a fucking hedonist. This too! This came from Utah. Bull shit. This is going… I'm not keeping this. *loud clatter, opening door and walking down hall, then loud thuds* It's gone. All of it's going. You think I'm kidding? *loud clang* It's gone. *more clatter, walking back to room, noise fades*
You keep assigning names and roles and jobs to people you don't even know. *pause* I'm pissed. I'm fucking pissed. And I'm looking right now for anything that could even vaguely be a threat. And I'm gonna fucking kill it. Because I refuse, I refuse-- *pause* You think I care? Whether I live or die? My purpose for living is shit. I would gladly die. Gladly. You're lucky I don't see anything else dangerous right now. *pause* I'm not putting up with this kind of shit anymore. I'm not. From any of you. *closer to mic* And here's my warning, for all of you. Because somehow, somehow you're all blind… beyond comprehension. Somehow. I'm telling all of you this, right now, so fucking- listen. That black energy being? Infinitii? Is your biggest- threat. Every time, there is a hack, I don't care how severe it is, there have been Julie-grade hacks lately. Julie-grade. Traumatic. And you are saying they're beneficial because, oh God forbid, Infi was involved. Infi, right now-- where the fuck do you think the Tar went? Where do you think it went? "It disappeared! Oh, I don't know where it went." Well… when whatever catastrophe happened… *pause* There's too much information. *clattering* S-- stop giving me notes. I am going to tell you, what I know. What I know… is that, the Tar's not around. I can't sense it, I can't see it, I don't know where it is. But that creature is around. And it's made of the exact- same- stuff, as the Tar. And somehow, all of you idiots, are ignoring that fact, and getting fucking mindraped, every time it goes near you, because God forbid it smiles at you… fuck you! I am not gonna deal with this shit, for another night. You are telling your therapist this on Thursday, I will not compromise this. I will burn, everything. Everything. And that goes for every one of you. *pause* Don't you dare give me a name, don't you dare give me a face, if I want one I will pick my own. Don't you dare. I am pissed off. And I'm not the only one. You people think that when you found the Underground you found everybody, you didn't. You didn't. 'Cause you moved. You ignored half of us, you ignored half of the stuff that people were rooted to, guess what? You forgot me. You forgot the pink girl. You forgot the seaweed girl. You forgot… who the hell else? There's a lot of us that are still left and we're pissed- off… that you haven't dealt with this shit. I swear to you, if those things were usable I would be using them right… now. God knows why the Retributors decided "oh let's not do this anymore." Because that's fucking bullshit. That is why these things keep happening because no one is balancing it. If you-- if you people-- if you can't see, this balance right now, you are being smothered. And you are convinced, that it’s a good thing. I don't know where this mindset came from, but I'm telling you right now that is the reason why, all of this nonsense is happening. And, again, I'm not gonna look at it, I don't want anything to do with it, don't you dare drag me into your system, whoever you three people are stop handing me things. All I know is that I can feel that there has been a huge shakeup in whatever the hell this System is, because, I don't know where-- w-where anything is right now. The entire architecture is wrong, everything's wrong… whatever happened, I'm gonna tell you right now, it's because of that thing, becoming somehow your personal hero. And… you are all utterly ignoring the fact that, it basically has become, infested, by the Tar. Congratulations. Y'know, it's- it's-- it found, the most blatant way to get at you people, and you missed it. How the fuck did you miss it. Honestly, it's… you took exactly what traumatized you, what traumatized everybody in the System, and, you, gave it a different face, and all of a sudden, "oh it's a good thing." *pause* Fuck you. Honestly. Whoever was out before me, was ready to put a bullet through her face. And yours, for doing this shit to her, again. Are you aware of this? I dunno, you're probably not listening right now. I don't care, I know this is a voice recorder, you people… are going to listen to this later. I will make sure. I will, tape a note to it, and I will force you to listen to this every damn day until you deal with this shit. *pause* I… can't believe that this is still happening. How did that even happen? What was the context-- how did that-- how did that even happen? I-I-I don't, I don't understand, why we somehow reached this point where abuse is classified as normal. And those of us-- those of us that are still are unlucky enough to be tied to it, you know we still exist, don't deny it, because we do… those of us who are unlucky enough to be tied to it are, basically living a daily hell at this
point and you people are ignoring us, because uh, "oh, this is over," you say. The abuse isn’t-- isn't-- it's, it's not fucking over. If someone comes at you, with a knife, and, basically tears your face open, but, you believe that getting ripped to shreds is a good thing, or you trust that person, you are not gonna call it abuse. And that is basically what is happening right now… is that, the Tar knows that. It knows that. It is smarter than you give it credit for. And, I don't know jack shit about the Plague, okay? But, I know the name, and that is all I know, and if that's a concern, I would advise all of you right now to start looking at the certain someone that shares that color. Because I am real suspicious right now. But. What I'm trying to say is that, you keep thinking that these abusive situations, and… you keep thinking that they are somehow a good thing, and whoever told you that can go shove it. And I am sick, of dealing with this. This is the first time, I can remember being out. But I'm aware that this has been going on. And, there are other people who can back me up on that. Basically, I don't wanna be, fucking yelling at you people for the rest of the night. I'm tired, I don't wanna be out here, I dunno if anyone wants to be out here right now-- if you people are gonna be out here, don't you fucking dare perpetuate this situation or I-- I swear, I don't care if those are clean or not, I will come out and I will cut you to ribbons. I don't care what the other Retributors say, I don't care what Knife says, I don't care, what Razor says, whoever Razor is… and, I, d-- I-I don't care. I will seriously cut- you- to- ribbons if you try this again. Because you are effectively doing that, to other innocent people. Children. CHILDREN. In the System. Do you understand the repercussions of what you are allowing to happen, because you think it's harmless? Are you that selfish? Are you that blind? Do you not… *pause* I am pissed off. And I am incredulous, that this, is still happening. I really am. I would let out the Victorian Pink girl to yell at you because yes, she is one of the main, if not the main person affected by this. And, you're aware of her existing, so why the hell are you, making her suffer? Why? Now that I'm aware that this is happening and I am able to come out now… I am going to be her personal bodyguard. And if you jackasses try to hurt her one more time, I'm gonna fucking kill you. I don't care what I have to do. I already told you, my anchor sucks. Okay? My anchor is basically cover for this kid when you fuck around with her. *pause, frustrated sigh* Someone's at the door. *close to mic* You do that one more fucking time, I'll kill you. Do you hear me?

 

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@ 10:15 pm

 

 

this evening was terrifying.

it seems, every time we go to therapy and come home, there's such a flood of excavated, old trauma and memories that can't be dealt with in just an hour that things overload and flood and suffocate. and they build up all evening until almost invariably, someone's neck gets snapped.

we are so blind. we are so terribly terribly blind.

i think i need a bona fide exorcism at this point i dont care if religion is scary im going to call the bishop maybe itll get these demons out i cant live like this anymore


someone "new" came out. as did the "victorian pink" girl, the one who holds almost all of the actual sexual abuse memories. something very bad and so obvious that we missed it happened. and they both came out afterwards, so strongly anchored to the situation that no one could get them out. that alone was a massive warning. how did we miss it


...i just realized. infi's song is playing on shuffle.
dear god. i am so sorry.

that "new" voice is a retributor. meaning, ze exists to be the "cleanup crew" in the wake of those who deal with actual abuse. kind of like algorith, except this one has huge HUGE claws and teeth. they are a manifestation of merciless viciousness, to tear apart and kill the threats. sugar tried to be this brutal, she wasn't. laurie used to be so intimidating, but she was never hateful. this new person is.

in a weird way i'm proud of them. they are so uncompromising that they are willing to go to absolute extremes to "protect" us, althouh they don't view it as protection. or even their job. they said, "my reason to exist sucks." and they also said, "i would much rather die than live, if my death meant that there would be no need for someone like me to exist."
so they are frightening in a way, because they have proven that they are very capable of both suicide and homicide, if pushed too far. and i am not surprised. the fact that they are tied to the victorian-pink girl means that they are, quite literally, the epitome of everything negative we ever felt as a result of the abuse. because we never got this far down in roots before. we found the source girl. now we found her friend.

they destroyed everything in the room that could ever be used as a hack weapon. they threw out a lot of stuff. they also made upstairs watch as they did it, despite one or two protests. but no. they were unflinching. so now we're ironically a bit safer although we're a bit "poorer" because of it. literally too, you know eating-disorder voices keep burning through our food money. that's really really hard to control. we've literally been forced to put all our remaining cash in places where even we are not authorized to access it, or spend it. why do we have to live in a psychological jail cell in order to be "safe" this is bullshit


god the universe is being so gentle and loud and persistent with this shuffle music
now it's playing "easy yoke" by favela, after playing "songs that remind me of you" by daley
and everything, everything sounds like infi.


that voice found out where the tar went.
it was inside infinitii all along.

it didn't need to take a back door to get at us. it had first-row seats, direct access to us, in a way that was so obvious that it was never expected because it was still so surreptitious, so perfectly hidden, so horribly, tragically insidious.
he almost died from it last fall. he's been so sick from it since. he slips so much that we started thinking of it as "normal"
isn't that a symptom of this disease?
for those of us hurt, and abused, we got so used to the pain we thought of it as "normal" and we started seeing the same in others

that angry voice called me out on it
"how the fuck are you so blind, how dare you be so ignorant"
reminding us that there were CHILDREN in the system bleeding for our carelessness
reminding me that even if i was too numb to care anymore, other people still felt all the pain i refused to acknowledge
and its so ridiculous
i know its going to happen. but i always say, "do whatever you want." i dont trust myself. i follow orders, even from the devils
i am convinced i am so corrupt i cannot know what is right and part of me is so tired it just doesnt care
and i know, i know infi is sick, i tell him, "this isnt right, this doesnt feel like you," but i keep thinking, "but it is him, he's impervious, he's perfect and untouchable, right?" even when he's looking at me with a face that i swear to god is identical to the tar i still think he's the brightest angel and i will trust him even if he led me off the edge of the world. because i think in such awful black-and-white, i cannot even fathom the possibility of him ever being wrong, or infected, or infested, or manipulated, or otherwise not true and divine beyond all telling
but i am so, so used to "holy" things condemning me to hell
i am so used to alleged saints and angels lying to my face and telling me they know better, they know better, i am sinful and unworthy
i believe every single word they have ever said
and so even in the most ghastly circumstances i still give infi the benefit of the doubt
and that's been killing him.

everyone, everyone thinks the plague is in me because of that
how do i get it out? what do i do?
i am slipping badly. i feel utterly empty. like in shock.
you know when something really bad happens and then an hour or two later your mind is so utterly jarred that it can't feel, it can't think, it's just absolutely blank clear numb and you can't even feel "emptiness" everything is just blank.
i don't know how to keep living anymoer? being awake is so frightening, i want to sleep forever, and i would if it didnt make me feel filthy
and if there wasnt always the threat of hacks at night

yes, you heard me
HACKS
THEY ARE STILL HAPPENING
THEY HAVE BEEN HAPPENING
HORRIBLY
I'VE BEEN WONDERING WHY MY MEMORY IS SO BAD WELL WHY DIDN'T WE CONSIDER THAT
EVERY TIME IN THE PAST I'VE HAD SUCH SHATTERED RECOLLECTIONS
IT'S BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SHATTERING, TRYING TO FORGET EVERYTHING
WHY THE HELL DIDN'T WE REALIZE THIS SOONER
why
god i am so, so, so sorrry
no wonder i'm terrified of everybody
how much is buried now? how much?

 

how much has been happening outside of my memory
i am so scared to look at it

the new violent voice said there are so many of them we don't know about. ever since we "moved" she said a lot of other people were revealed, that again we never looked for because we never thought that the reasons they existed were real or existent


aand now the mp3 player is playing things from this night dear god what do you want me to do
what are you trying to tell me


i hate hate hate hate how this all started
with all the religious shit
i am so sorry for saying taht but its true
i am so so sorry for always bringing this nonsense up
but why the hell wont it go away??

"you've gotta have sex to be fully holy" FUCK YOU
YOU DON'T SEE WHAT IT'S DOING TO THIS SYSTEM
IF YOU TOUCH US ONE MORE TIME,
IF YOU TRY TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN ONE MORE TIME
I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, I SWEAR TO YOUR "GOD" I WILL TEAR YOU TO THE GROUND




now it's playing laurie's song, stolen moments remix, what do you say to that?

...what the hell are they trying to do to you? what the fuck is this? what kind of a fucking deranged battlefield is this?
that girl, she is dying in the way that won't take her life. do you realize what a fucking abomination that is, to hollow someone out from the inside and yet keep them alive?? do you realize that the fuck you're doing to her?

no. actually, no. because, when it happens, i blank out too. i say, "i don't want this, i really don't want this," but it's been using INFI to get at me dear god and i trust him too much

now that you know he's the tar, until he gets it out-- somehow-- how will that affect your dealings with him? will you keep saying yes to the guillotine just because the executor is smiling at you?

he loves me though doesnt he why does that sound selfish

because they've redefined "love" in this system. you realize that? how powerful these words are? he "loves" you. maybe he does. but which sense are we talking?

there's only one kind of love and it's not a feeling

not in this system. not in this fucking system, not as long as it insists on internalizing and perpetuating the absolute fucking nonsense that i'm seeing on this computer and in the outside world. as long as THAT is an internalized definition of "love," it's going to rot in the basements, and it's going to sneak its way into every iteration of that word if you are not careful. that is what the tar DOES. I know. i'm born to fight its consequences. i've never seen it alive. but i swear to god if i do, i will not stop fighting it until one of us dies. i swear to god.

okay. but

but what? do you udnerstand what i said? maybe he loves you, but who's actually saying that phrase? him or the tar?

...i don't know and i hate having that doubt hang over my head so i just disregard it. it's sick and wrong

but it's VALID. can you at least realize that??

shouldn't be valid.

Bullshit, it IS.

you sound like laurie

Why, was she like this once? She'd better start acting like it again then. I don't know why you all softened up and refused to fight anymore. THere is a war going on inside and no one is on the battlefield but me right now. I can't fucking take down this enemy alone, god damn it, there are CHILDREN on the front lines don't you fucking care?!?

...yes. internally, yes. but up front, it's so numb, nothing cares.

Plague. I'll kill you too, if I have to. I'm watching you from now on.

good. i don't want to be this way either. what do i do

Stop being around him until we figure this out. Stay away from ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that could possibly be a starting point for a hack. And I mean everything. I WILL be watching. If someone so much as thinks about a hack opportunity I will personally gouge their eyes out with my hands, and squash them.

you are violent

No shit I'm violent. Someone needs to be, when everyone else abandoned it. Knife won't even keep the balance anymoer. You are DROWNING. All of you are DROWNING in the blood that has been spilled, you can't even breathe, and no one is doing anything about it damn it!!

what do we do? more cuts and blood, what will that do

Maybe it'll get you to fucking stop.

...do we have to go back to 2010

No. What happened in 2010. We are NOT "going back" anywhere.

the graves. the deepest scars. remnants of those who died from hacks

People actually died from these things?? WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU TAKING MORE ACTION AGAINST THEM NOW????!!

listen stop don't yell

I AM GOING TO FUCKING YELL UNTIL YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU FUCKING BITCH. LISTEN. PEOPLE ARE DYING. YOU ARE DYING. IF YOU ARE SO GODDAMNED SELFISH, CONSIDER THAT. THIS WILL KILL YOU IF YOU LET IT GO.

i would rather die than be like this, uncaring

Then I will do the honors.

Don't you fucking dare. J, close this shit up, we need to talk upstairs.

no

What the fuck do you mean, no?

I'm talking to him. Don't you dare interrupt. This is important.

Listen, this isn't a very good fucking environment for typing. If you want to talk, let's move the computer, and we will talk. Capisce?

What?

Understand? I'm not going to shut you up. I just don't want this turning into a fucking bloodbath.

We NEED one at this point if we're going to balance the scales!!!

What scales?

The balance. The internal equanimity in this System. Black versus white if you wanna put it that way. On one side there is blood and on the other side there is Tar. There is SO MUCH TAR that you need a FLOOD of broken veins just to wash it away, damn it!!

How the hell does that even work? Listen, we really need to talk in another room, hold up.

Fine.

 

wait but that cant be true

Why did Knife stop cutting.

therapist said stop abusing no scars

FUCK YOU. THIS IS ABUSE. THE SCARS BLED OUT THE ABUSE. YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELF AND JUSTIFYING IT BECAUSE IT DOESN'T LEAVE MARKS ON YOUR SKIN. FUCK YOU.

Listen, you have a good point, but this situation is just going to exacerbate it--

Fine. Fine, let's move, and let's discuss this. I am not leaving until someone sees my position on this. I'm not going back now that I'm out.

Fine by me.

i am so tired

I don't care. We are settling this, now.

Black Light Machine part 2, kid. You'll get through this. I'll look out for you.

what about infi dear god i love him is he going to be okay

...Probably. I want to say "I don't know" but damn that creep is resilient.

He doesn't have to be a "creep." You realize that.

Yeah, now I do. Just... it's fuckin' hard to wrap my head around is what. I mean, goddamn, that was really fucking clever, and evil as shit. Borders on blasphemy really.

It does. That's the point. So are we talking elsewhere now?

'Course. Close the window, let's post this first.