the big problem

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

the big problem:

"you can't stop sinning because you love that sin, more than you love God & Jesus."

this eating disorder is a problem because

1) part of me genuinely does enjoy overeating, not sure why,

and,

2) it is abundantly clear that the overeating issue is a DIRECT REROUTING of my heart's insatiable hunger FOR GOD, whose love and existence is infinite, and therefore I COULD "eat" of his goodness forever, AND be satisfied IN that unending partaking.

THAT DOESN'T TRANSLATE TO FOOD.

so how do I stop liking my eating disorder?

I need to REPLACE IT DIRECTLY.

I need to carry a Bible with me and ACTIVELY FIGHT THE DEVIL by forcing myself to read it whenever I get the urge to binge.

that, as it has been PROVEN, will INSTANTLY change my mindset to God-centered, and I will NOT want to eat food, but will instead hunger and thirst for God and His teachings and His Word.

the last problem with this?

3) the only solution I can currently see to this is that I cannot eat anymore.

when I eat, I feel utterly separated from God. EVERY TIME.

this is because food feeds the flesh, whereas if I fast, I can eat of the TRUE bread, which is Jesus, in God's Word.

so whenever I feed my body I feel like I am blaspheming, which is emphasized by the fact that the "lustful nature" of the body itself, that inherent sinfulness, becomes horribly loud and powerful whenever I eat.

why?

God made our bodies need food, and everyone keeps telling me not to fast,

but the real problem is, I'm eating too much.

yes I only eat vegetables right now, but it's too much.

I need to fuel this body MINIMALLY so that I am always focused on GOD without ever being "satiated" or otherwise "drunk" with eating. that is evil.

I should always be somewhat hungry and I need to FIGHT the desire to eat, until I correctly discipline this body into eating FAR LESS and turning to GOD instead of food when that hunger appears. only then will I be able to make a wise decision about actually eating, because then I will be tuned into God's Word and not the animal desires of the flesh.

so I need to come to terms with the fact that, this sinful natured body will always enjoy its eating disorder, because it CANNOT know God, and therefore its "enjoyment" will be the only thing it seeks.

I know better.

I seek God, and I WANT God more than food, I would gladly NEVER EAT AGAIN if it meant I could spend every waking moment in contemplation of God, but the issue is that in this physical life, that requires death.


So what? Let me die then, and go to Christ.

But… I have to live this physical life well first. God is keeping me alive to atone for my sins and live in faith in Him, because if I want to be saved, if I want to be a Christian at ALL, I NEED TO ACT LIKE ONE.

I NEED TO STOP SINNING.

I NEED TO FOLLOW CHRIST WITHOUT FAIL.

Here's a quote: (http://notashamedofthegospel.com/video/eternal-consequences/)

"When you don’t make God the number one priority in your life, then something else takes His place.
It could be money, it could be a relationship, or it could even be a hobby.
Pastor Francis Chan says that when you don’t live with eternity in mind, then there are going to be eternal consequences."

As I always say, the question I must be asking in EVERY moment of my life is:

"DOES THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR OCCUR IN HEAVEN?"

that is the blanket question, which includes the double inquiry of

"is this action glorifying God?"

and

"is this action making me more Christlike?"

Heaven is eternal adoration of God, IN HIS PRESENCE.

And really, the litmus test is, IF YOUR BEHAVIOR ISN'T MOTIVATED BY LOVE, YOU'RE SINNING.

I must analyze this eating disorder thoroughly by that test.

Another quote… (http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/27020-the-sin-you-cant-quit)

"If you’re struggling with habitual sin, first, welcome to being human and a Christian. We’ve all been there.
Second, relax for a minute. God’s not going to let you go.
Take a deep breath and be still. Then, start asking God for wisdom."

That second step is something I need to remind myself of when I am tempted (yes, tempted!!) to give in to the soul-crushing despair of the first step-- realizing that, quite plainly, I am a sinner. We ALL fall short of the glory of God. And despite that being the truth, it is horrible. I don't want to sin. I want to praise and worship and comfort God by living a holy life. I TRULY DO. So when I inevitably (yes, inevitably, for no one is good but God) slip up and sin in my weakness… I instinctively want to wail and sob forever.

BUT, this too is a problem, because it's a gateway to PRIDE.

WE ARE ONLY CAPABLE OF GOOD THROUGH GOD.

God is infinite mercy and love and He is ALWAYS WILLING to grant us the grace we need to BE good if we only TRUST HIM, AND HUMBLY ASK HIM.

If we think we can somehow do/be good on our own, by our own "power," by "works of the law" and NOT by faith… THAT IS PRIDE, and that is a capital capital sin.

"The answer to the question of sin, is the fear of God. If you don't fear God, you will sin to your sinful heart's delight…If we know that the eye of the Lord is in every place beholding the evil and the good, and that He will bring every work to judgment, we will live accordingly. Such weighty thoughts are valuable, for "by the fear of the Lord, men depart from evil."

There are two kinds of fear of the Lord, and they belong to the two "natures" of man:

the first, is fear of the Lord because I am afraid of being punished.

the second, is fear of offending the Lord because I can't bear the thought of doing so.

The distinction is intuitive. The first is motivated by selfish cagey fear. The second is motivated by love.



OH. I just found a very important quote. (http://christiananswers.net/q-comfort/growing-thanksgiving.html)

"If you have faith in God, you will be thankful because you know His loving hand is upon you, even though you are in a lion’s den. That will give you a deep sense of joy, and joy is the barometer of the depth of faith you have in God."

I've been remembering/living that "trust in ALL things" bit more lately, but that bit of joy being the barometer is SO important. I've realized that too, through experience, but it's such a good super-stark reminder of what's actually wrong when I'm depressed or upset: it means I'm falling into that pride trap again. I'm not trusting in God's divine providence, in His infinite wisdom, in his infinite love.

God paves all our paths. He leads ALL of us into the circumstances that WILL be for the betterment of our souls, because he LOVES us and wants ALL of us to be saved. He IS infinite love and mercy; he can't not love us.

I think that's my favorite sentence.

But remember… love isn't wishy-washy. Love is powerful too, and love is unflinching in its defense of love and righteousness.

If you're destroying yourself, if you're living against love, then Love Itself (Himself) is going to do whatever it takes, in that love, to stop you and lead you back to Truth.

Therefore, trust that EVERYTHING you experience is towards that end, especially in discipline.

This is something I MUST remind myself of moment to moment.

All trials and afflictions pass through God's hands first, and that means that not everything is "punishment." This, too, I must remind myself of constantly. The constant fear of punishment is problematic because 1) it shows a distrust in God's mercy, 2) it betrays a sort of mindset of self-sufficiency?

That's tricky. I guess what it boils down to is, fear of constant punishment is incompatible with humility.

Let me explain that.

When I'm fearing punishment, it means I know I've done something wrong, or that I fear I've done something wrong.

In humility, I know that as a human, this is inevitable.

BUT I DON'T LET IT CRUSH ME.

In humility, I recognize my sinful nature and my helplessness and I turn to God to LEAD ME RIGHTLY.

That is the second, and true, nature of man.

Ohhh dude, here's another one. (http://christiananswers.net/q-comfort/growing-tithing.html)

"…we cannot trust God and money. Either money is our source of life, our great love, our joy, our sense of security, the supplier of our needs—or God is."

That is terrifyingly heavy, because it's terrifyingly true.

Let me type about that for a while now.

In this false world, superimposed over God's created world, money has been forced into a position where it DOES threaten to replace God in our lives, and I believe this was done clearly on purpose by the evil one.

Money is the ultimate idol here, other than the self, and the two tend to go hand in hand.

The point here though, is: to reject the idol of money in this world, we must ultimately be willing to die to the world in what can be a very scary sense.

This is a sort of martyrdom; it's a massive cross, but carrying it is required for every Christian because that cross is of the TRUTH.

Money is not our source of life.

Money is not our "great love" even when it claims to be.

(buying replacements for God? food problem)



The Bible is so rich. I love it so much. I need to read it more. The only reason I don't is because of the demonic lies of "reticence and fatigue" that shove their way into my head. If I just sit and look at those lies and ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THEY ARE LIES, and not give them ANY attention… then I'm left with my true motivation, with my heart's true desire, which is… I WANT to read the Bible!! I want to read it cover to cover, and soak it up thoroughly!! It's so beautiful, it's so RICH, like I said-- there's so much in it, there's arguably infinite Good in it, because it's inspired BY GOD, through the Holy Spirit (may He be blessed through all of us), and God is infinite Good so it stands to reason that that's reflected in the Bible, touchable by the heart (or by The Heart, as faith goes).

Would you believe, I think THAT'S my body-nature's biggest fear, with this spiritual warfare?

God is infinite, and I want to be part of that, forever (heaven).

The body knows that in order for me to have that, it has to die to its bodily nature," so to speak.

When I fast-- when I don't eat food, but the Word of God-- I want to continue doing that forever.

But when I stop and feed the body… suddenly, I'm partaking in an action which feels contrary to heaven?

THAT'S a problem that needs to be ironed out.

But the point is: it's all or nothing, the way I'm currently feeling these things.

Either I completely abandon the world like a man in the desert, and dedicate every breath and blink and beat to God… or I deal with the world. Either I eat, or I pray. Either I sleep, or I study the Word. Either I go to Church, or I go to my family home.

The obvious problem is that I'm not bringing God into those "secular things" because I feel it's impossible.

That, too, is a sin against God, and I just realized that now and I am horrifically sorry.

God created everything. ALL Good is from God.

Eating was created by God. He built this body to need food, therefore eating is NOT a sin. Misuse of eating is.

See the difference?

Sleep was created by God. The body needs rest. But we can't over-rest and become lazy!

And there's nothing wrong with going home to my family, if my awful brain didn't keep thinking, "you can't reach God in your home!"

IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST, I DEMAND THAT YOU DEPART FROM ME, SATAN! BEGONE, AND BE BOUND IN THE NAME OF CHRIST, SO THAT YOU WILL BE HARMLESS AND INEFFECTIVE AGAINST ME!!!

Those statements, saying "holiness can only be found here, or there…" those are LIES.

They also go against the very nature of Christ who CAME TO CALL SINNERS and to BRING THE WORLD TO SALVATION THROUGH HIMSELF.

If there's an area in my life I feel is separated from Christ, HE WANTS THAT TO CHANGE, AND IT CAN CHANGE.

The devil and his false absolutes is a LIAR who is trying to harm my soul.

Saint Patrick's prayer sums up the spirit of this.
(quote it)

Christ can and SHOULD be "in my eating." THAT'S THE POINT OF BEING A CHRISTIAN-- TO MAKE CHRIST KNOWN AT ALL TIMES, IN ALL THINGS!!!!!!!

A CHRISTIAN'S VERY LIFE SHOULD GLORIFY GOD IN EVERY MOMENT, FOR THE GLORY OF HIS NAME, THROUGH THE INFINITE GRACE AND MERCIFUL LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST-- WHO MAKES THAT VERY GOAL ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THROUGH FAITH FOR EVEN THE MOST CONFUSED, TROUBLED SINNER.

Faith is so important. It is key. Trust in God, through faith, to use every aspect of your life, surrender to Him in that…

I'm still not 100% there yet and I'm ashamed of that, but I need to stay humble and just admit that to God and go to Him in that contrition and beg him to give me the grace to trust him and surrender so completely in those scary aspects of my life.

Be like a child. THAT'S the key demeanor here. A child trusts and obeys simply, instantly, completely, out of love.