october 8th

[prismaticbleed]

 

All right, a few things.

First off I've been feeling odd feelings about the previous entry. It needed to happen, that is true. That sort of thing has been boiling under the surface for months, never abating, no matter what was done or not done.
However last night I dreamed about it, that Mel-- the person I was writing to/about-- was talking really angrily/ depressed at me about it? And I didn't understand why they were so bitterly offended, but they were, so I tried to calmly sit down and explain it to them.
Anyway that's how I feel. This person, in the previous entry, who I am having trouble dealing with in the waking-- they are a super nice person, extremely talented, very brave, unfailingly determined, just an incredibly good person. But we haven't been "friends" for... four years? Were we ever really friends? See, I don't remember. I don't know who was the core way back when we knew them, assumedly. And that's a huge part of the problem. No matter how nice a person Mel is, we don't remember them, and our friendship is just unfixable at this point. There are too many gaps, too much is missing. It's in tatters and the glue will not hold. I can feel that, objectively, and it's about time I just shrugged and let it go. I'm driving myself mad trying to make a coat out a few frayed threads. We will never be able to rebuild what we allegedly had, not from where we are now. And even more importantly, right now, I feel that I don't need to. I feel that I shouldn't. That is not what I need now. They are not what I need. No offense, it's just a truth. The time they had a role to play in my life ended two years ago, and the foothold is gone now. That's over, the river has moved on, and I'm okay with that. Time moves, life flows. I'm thankful for what happened, for what let us grow, and now here we are somewhere else.
The problem is, I don't know what this is like on their end.
Mel says a lot, that we inspire them, that we are a light to them. And that's lovely, I'm very glad we can be that for them. But why couldn't we continue to do that distantly, disconnectedly, without the emails and messages and things? Mel and I could never converse face-to-face, or in messages. It never worked. That's why our visit to SLC collapsed. We couldn't function on that level. And that's just how it was. So I'm cutting the threads. But do they need them?
I guess it's not my problem. I hope it's not, because I don't have the strength to shoulder their problems anymore. "Is that selfish?" I wonder, as always. Is it though? They looked to me for support. It was apparently fine, two years ago, when they knew us as people in a screen. Then they stopped reading, and now out of the blue they come to us again, trying to talk to us directly, saying they need us. I don't understand and it's confusing and I feel awful, because I can't do things this way but what if this is the only way for them?
That's why this isn't working. There's no harmony. I'm trying to compromise but that's not working either. It's in tatters. It's over, let's go. We haven't lost anything, really, and that's why I'm at peace here. I know Mel's losing nothing by letting us return to how we've always been, where we can still help them and others without burning ourselves out. And they have so many good people in their life, far better people than us. I'm happy knowing that.
I guess, we'll always be here to listen, that's what I should say. They can tell us anything, as long as they do not demand a formal-letter response in return because we can't do that anymore. They can come to us as a listening ear and that's fine. But we can't do the talking anymore, not now at least. We don't know how.
Sorry, if that's the right word. It's more of a... "I'm sorry that came out so raw and ugly and pained. I didn't know how else to say it. But I'm thankful it was said. I meant no harm to you and wish you well." Does that work? I really do. We all do.

We're letting go of that entire block of time in our life entirely, actually. It's for the best.
We don't remember 2007 through 2009, 2010 is in fragments, 2011 didn't include them at all, and 2012 is missing but fragments linger there too. Anyway it was not a good time for us, everything tied to Utah and those people (who are good people! we were just not in a good state of mind when we knew them). So honestly, now that we're in a place where we CAN let go of it in peace and gratitude and happiness, without any pain or regret, then let's do it! It's about time! It's freeing, really. All of that was like a weight. Too many expectations and associations that we felt chained to, just bad energy residue. Let it go. It played its part.

Jessica has been causing the most trouble of anyone lately. Every time we hear her name she gets triggered, and that's happening oddly often lately. Jess is full of angry hate and self-loathing, as you know, and she screams all the time. She's VERY hard to handle because her vibe is so primal and harsh. You can't suppress it or it explodes. You can't ignore it because it keeps burning the house down. All you can do is dissociate entirely, so entirely that the distance pushes her far away enough for the feeling to dim out. Then slowly you bring consciousness back, figure out where you are and what you're doing, and then move on. It's tough, but it's the only things that works. Total instant unplugging. Dead-eye zone. The fogbanks. That's hir role, really; numbess can be very beneficial when used correctly.
Today was the first we heard from Jess since surgery, which was surreal, because it's been so peaceful without her around. We had a near-breakdown from the shock of it, but we're cool now. Simeon's words keep sticking with me, what he said about me, that's resonating and I don't want to let him down so I'm keeping the peace.


What have we been doing lately...
Surgery was on Friday. We talked about that, all we can remember.
As for everything else, there is only one word:
DISHONORED.
We bought it for the Xbox (which is ours now, yessir, the boys bought a new one) and we have been playing since Friday night. Our beloved friend E recommended it to us and oh man are we ever glad they did.
It is amazing. I've been trying to put into words just why that is for me, and it's coming in pieces; we're not done with the game yet, but so far there is so much relevance that is so easy to miss, it's not surprising though.
Spoiler warning, let me just ramble about this now.
Things I love and/or things that are personally relevant about Dishonored so far...
1. E pointed out the "glowy oceany solitude" that has caught our eyes unfailingly since the start of the game, such as in the oil lamps and the fact that it's a coastal town. That vibe is so lovely. I want to learn more about the whales though. I really do.
2. The game also has this general atmosphere of space and quiet that is perfect, even in the creepy places. It is exactly what my dreams are like, it is how headspace is built. Just open space, potential paths, and the ability to move through it all as a ghost if one so wishes. I am such a wanderer at heart, and being able to do that unfailingly in this game, in fact being encouraged to... it's bliss. I can sneak through an entire town, taking three or four hours, and no one will see or hear me. I will hop from rooftop to rooftop, I will creep through the canals, I will pass through abandoned houses, and the entire time I will leave no trace of myself but absence. And I love every moment of it. That brings us to point three!
3. I didn't realize until today, that Corvo's manner is oddly how I prefer to live-- not just the free, unfettered wandering, but also the related taking. Pocket change on the floor? It's in my pockets now. Food on the table? That's my breakfast now. Ammo strewn about, notes left out, all open territory for me. I read every book I can open, I listen to every audiograph. Basically... I take from the void. Put something into that neutral ground, into that space where the player character can touch it, and I will do so with gratitude. And that is how I live in this house currently, or at least how I prefer to when I can, between jobs. I get my money from pocket change and generosity. I get my food from what is left out, or given to me. I live on scraps and abandoned things, but I love it in a way. I think it's because I can't exactly live in the woods and have what I need growing or available all around me already. I have this odd deep yearning to be so free and independently dependent on the world to provide. It's hard to put into words, but really... Dishonored got the vibe down perfectly. I enjoy it so much.
4. Funny bit: on the mission with the Boyle party, if you get into the doorman's post in the back, there is stuff left out on tables. So naturally I walked in, looked around, and what do I see but an apple on the table. My health was a bit low, so sure, I grabbed it-- and immediately the doorman goes, "my apple! Who do you think you are!" Honestly I started laughing so hard I was wheezing, it was the funniest thing in the world. That apple was not in neutral territory, though-- I was in this guy's space, that was his lunch, honestly I shouldn't have taken it (and I didn't, ultimately-- I rebooted that save and left his apple in peace). Still I keep giggling at that.
5. Also Samuel is my BFF, he's my favorite character so far. He's a real sweet dude. Also he fits one of my favorite character aesthetics/ attitudes, whatever it actually is, but I have a weak spot for gruff but not super-masculine older guys, as well as people who are that nice in such a simple undemanding way. He's an old sailor and he sleeps in a boat for heaven's sake, it's adorable. I want his sideburns.
6. The Void. I don't know much about it yet, but if Infi and Chaos teamed up to make a floating realm it would look exactly like that. It's this glowy blue place, utterly defying physics, water and whales floating in the air... located nowhere and everywhere, outside of time but holding all of it. And the Outsider, geez, I don't know much about him yet but he's intriguing. "Not good or evil," pitch-black eyes, surroundedn by starry smoke, arcane powers that some call black magic... and described in-game with the following: "the one who walks here is all things. Cradle songs of comfort and bones gnawed by teeth." I adore that quote. But that's all Infi's sort of thing, really. And the Tar's. So that's relevant. But we shall see how this plays out.
7. Speaking of the Tar, there's a plague in the city. Yeah. Specifically it's a rat plague, a sickness put there on purpose, for what one claimed was "good intent" but which could never live up to that. Those stricken become shuffling, bleeding monsters, losing their sanity to brain fog and suffering... and I cannot forget how Laurie reacted in 2009 or so, when her anchor begin to slip. She bled too, she fell ill too, just like this. Call it a stretch, but I'm seeing Tar/Plague relevance in that whole disease. Anything to keep us aware...
8. The first item you get from the Outsider is a heart. A literal freaking heart, thanks Outsider for making me hilariously flustered right off the bat. It's so unusual though. It's not dead or alive-- it's all stitched up, and inside it are wheels that glow and move, when it senses certain items... bone charms. Carved bits of whalebone, tied to the Outsider, sensed by this Heart. And the Heart can talk to you telepathically, somehow, telling you secrets about where you are or who you're with. And I love it it is the coolest concept even if it's terribly distracting for obvious reasons.
9. I also want to learn more about the relation between the Abbey of the Everyman and The Outsider, more details really, as I find spiritual philosophy very interesting and this one is fantastically gray. That whole religious bit feels a lot like my own personal struggles in the matter, especially as of late. I'm sure I will learn something from it by the end. Oddly this game is hitting me more through osmosis; I'm soaking it up really, no huge shocks like I usually get from games. But the constant absorbing feels fantastic too.
10. About those bone charms again. They are so interesting to me, those and the runes. Lately in the game I'm finding plague victims gone mad from these charms, protecting and venerating them to extremes, at the cost of their own health and sanity. The charms often end up in shrines, beautifully strange things, all indigo curtains and glowing lamps. They glow with a black vapor, and they make this odd sound somewhere between scraping and singing. Really weird stuff like that is totally my cup of tea, especially on a personally symbolic level-- since my childhood I've been oddly obsessed with the intersection of raw intimate life and the ethereal, overwhelming awe of magic and divinity. Stick them together and I am hooked. The thought of Corvo wandering around with darkly enchanted pieces of whalebone in his pockets, carrying those magical relics of a once-living thing, rattling about and humming in the dark... it's great. Sorry for all the vague language, I just love this game.
11. Nothing else to say for now except that I am currently on mission #7 (biggest plot twist ever wtf) and I still haven't touched all the downloadable content so there is a lot to do yet, thank goodness.


Let's see, it's almost 1AM.
It's AUTUMN and the woods outside is all golden yellow, I swear I will find a working camera and take pictures for you tomorrow. It's too beautiful.
Our neighbor says I am welcome to come over and pick apples next week (once we get our surgery staples out), and although I'm definitely going to (apple picking is my first memory actually), I'm iffy because the body keeps getting sick from fruit. Still! But we have a theory that it's only fresh stuff, so we'll see if that applies. Either way next week we will get apples. It'll be great.
My father also brought me a ton of vegetables straight from the local farmer's markets, which I am deeply thankful for. I can't drive for at least another week, plus that stuff adds up, so I appreciate it more than I can say. I got carrots and broccoli and beans and cucumbers and squash and all sorts of things, which is awesome. My dad is just awesome in general, really he's what I aspire to be. He visited me in the hospital post-surgery, visited me at home both days on the weekend, and called to check on me on Monday and Tuesday as well. My mother called once today, and was at the hospital to see me as she had work that day and she works there. Nothing bad against my mother, she's more stressed and scatterbrained, but even when she wasn't she was never really a mothering type. I don't even know what a 'mother' would be like, hilariously. But I'm not too comfy with the "smothering closeness" that parental title elicits in my head anyway, so having a distant but unconditionally helpful father works well enough. Still, my mother is just as fantastic in her own right-- plus she at least ganks her boyfriend's garden vegetables to give to me when she can, and I must thank her for that because then I get free beets and that is boss. But back to the weather!
I went walking outside for about an hour today, and at one point I was thinking about Dream World typecodes again... I apologize for the lack of updates on League stuff lately, I just really needed a break from the sheer data mountains. The typecodes are arguably the worst! But it's coming together slowly, it's a lot less complicated than I thought, which is a HUGE relief. I was thinking too much, making it too complex. One thing I've learned is that Dream World is shockingly intuitive as far as worldbuilding function goes, something which Vezerai taught me years ago ironically. Even for me, it's so much easier to feel how typecodes work, and how Power Jewels work, and what it's like to do this or that, as opposed to thinking about them, or trying to explain them in words. Which poses a problem here! But images could work. If I could figure out how to structure images, to catch more of that feeling, it could work. I'll try in any case.
Also you know how for a few months my personal Jewel Monster form overlay has been a green Kaiteo? Well my coloring has changed to the autumn orange form, which I found pretty awesome. My wings are blue now!
Oh yeah and on that note, blue Kaiteo (the winter coloration) have longer hair than the other colorations. However, Sikeiru is a blue Kaiteo with very short hair. Why is that? She trims it! I had no idea, no wonder she feels punky, that's adorable.

I have been remembering my dreams lately. I keep a voice recorder by the bed now so as soon as I wake up, I get a stream-of-consciousness record down (writing was too slow and too detached from memory). I haven't put any into homefive yet because honestly I've been avoiding the computer, and it takes hours to transcribe my longer dreams sometimes, which is exhausting. But I don't want to slack off, so once I'm entirely done with my first run of Dishonored I'll do it, hehe. I'm sorry but I don't want to totally shift my focus mid-game, you know how my brain goes all-or-nothing.
But that's why I brought up dreams. I have literally been dreaming in the style of that game since Friday. The atmospheres match, my movements and actions match, the people I meet match. It's a little unsettling when I wake up (it's a bit of a dark vibe of course) but it's fascinating nonetheless. Last night, I dreamt that I was being tracked by this mob of guards/ Overseers who wanted to kill me, as I had allegedly committed some act of treason or blasphemy and I must die. We were by my house and the only way I could escape fast enough was by sliding down the back hill, down towards the place where wolves usually are in dreams. I reached the bottom and started jump-running to cover more distance, making it over the river and expecting to have to go back up the other side of the hill to the road... but there was no hill. It opened up into open sky, a sheer cliff drop, and the sea. I paused, then leapt in, and was out safe. But the sea! There has NEVER been water there in dreams, not an ocean, not in my life. It was always the road, always that road where people would die or get lost. Never an ocean, never deliverance and freedom. So that feels significant too.


...There's a line that the Heart says to you in Dishonored, which has been playing repeatedly in my head since I heard it.
"Their fate rests on your effort... on the strength of your hands, and of your heart."
I cannot get it out of my mind and I am glad. Nothing could be more relevant to life right now.
Headspace has been quiet but not empty lately. The video games have changed the focus, but no one is gone, or distant, which is a big distinction and an important one. I've seen absolutely everyone in the past week at one time or another, which feels amazing. Visuals are clearing up again too, as are vibes. I'm still spending my nights with Laurie and Chaos and Infinitii, but Genesis is taking time off as his job is daytime guidance and I haven't been going out for him to do so. I also haven't seen much of Xenophon due to the pervading mindset wars over that, which I am going to have to get unflinchingly gutsy with sometime soon, too. Just like the previous entry, but this time focused around the stress and dissonance of parental titles and family programming. It is honestly driving me insane because I won't fully face it, as I'm afraid of upsetting someone else. I need to take that risk now. I really do, I cannot be a good father or anything to Xenophon if I won't admit to myself and her that the very word makes me want to run. Things need to be cleared out... let's do it, as I said before.
I think Eros is being pushed into the main Cerise slot, by the way. He's getting clarified and his color keeps lightening. We'll see.
Sherlock is helping Laurie more actively, Waldorf is talking to me more, she got one hell of an anchor boost from this whole game thing and the events prior... things are good. I wonder how Sergei and Hyakinth are though, I don't think they've ever seen summer and I'm curious as to how they'll react to it. Oh and lastly we got Knife to switch his metal cross necklace out for one more like this, and he loves it. Wear your color with pride, man.
My boss has been around again too, off and on. Bad voices kept trying to imitate him for a while, but his vibe is unmistakable. I know when it's really him.


It's 1:11 AM, the universe keeps tossing numbers at me. That has meaning assigned to it by me, and it keeps happening despite the tough parts, which feels hugely comforting and reassuring. We saw 11:11 during that near-breakdown tonight. I think maybe it was meant for Jessica, as hope. She needs it too.

...Speaking of synchronicity, maybe?
I'm listening to Creature by Mesita right now, which I swear was written specifically about Chaos and I, as it is too perfect and you will not convince me otherwise. And the concluding words begin like this: "we don't have to do anything, we can stay in bed all day..."
I can barely remember the mornings when CZ and I would wake up and then just lie there together, in that floating place between sleep and the waking, where dreams melt into each other and the subconscious sings aloud. It's a dangerously beautiful place, but we used to just be there, quiet and perfectly content with everything, untouchable by anything that could harm us.
Tomorrow my grandparents are going to be at a doctor's appointment, and so the house will be quiet for a few hours. Maybe we should sleep in, for a little while, and remember.
I just... the tides, the notes, are catching on my heart a little, and lately I haven't felt much of anything that I can remember so maybe I need this.
Caught up in a wave, and it can't be stopped.
Our relationship has been odd lately. We need distance between us, of a sort, that we've accepted. I'm aromantic and I can't do the relationship" thing, but Jewel did, and Chaos learned from her. He was full-on empath mode for years and he picked up on so much from her. With that Ruby in his chest, he will always be warmer and brighter than I "remember," when I'm only looking at his canon past, pieces from a decade ago, forgetting that time didn't stop for him like it did for a large part of me. But something in my heart keeps floating back towards him, and I'm not going to fight that either, even if the space between us feels like the void right now. There's so much space, so much emptiness. I'm not sure how to love anymore when there's nothing to work with. And yet... here I am. Here I am, trying, and feeling aqua-fragile truths in those notes nevertheless. Whatever this is, it's real somewhere, somehow.

On that note, everything in this tag is either about us or me specifically. Yes I went through all of it.
I told you this game is important, haha. Honestly I am excited.


Now really, Corvo and I both need to get some rest because tomorrow we're gonna go visit Daud and who knows what's going to happen.
See you then~ *jumps out through the window*