the spectrum heart cathedral system

so we had a run-in with the cops today and now we're even more scared to be in our room


the brother couldn't find his meditation crystals BUT he claimed he could read our grandmother's mind and that she stole them on purpose, and refused to tell him where they were. so he initially started SCREAMING. demanding she give them back, saying "I'll tear this house apart" and calling her a liar and a manipulator. this went on for about 3 minutes then he got really really quiet and still and started repeating "you know where they are. give them back." in a 'calm' voice. BUT he kept following her around the house, even when she went into a room and closed the door, he wouldn't leave her alone, he kept calling her a liar and demanding she stop messing with him and claiming that
he got really weird, he started asking her "so what do you believe?" and laughing at her when she answered, saying all this weird stuff like "so tell me what jesus says to you!" in a mocking voice and I don’t know, it was bizarre, I don’t really remember because I was very scared
the grandfather started bellowing at us at one point to "do something about him!!!" and getting angrier when I didn't even know how to speak in response
I have no idea
it got really scary, stress level got really high, he wouldn’t stop following us, wouldn’t stop talking, she started to scream and cry and pray out loud and he just laughed at her,
I think she threw holy water at him at one point because he wouldn't stop bringing that up later, he said it was "tainted" for some reason and generally I don’t know

either way the grandmother closed us both in her room while the brother stood at the door and continued to say "I know you're lying, give them back," while she was just crying and telling him to leave her alone,
and she told me to call the cops
so I dialed 911 and asked for the crisis intervention team as quietly as I could
but when I started saying our address I heard a "what are you doing? oh my g*d, are you REALLY doing what I think you're doing?" from behind the door, followed by more half-laughing half-angry statements that I couldn’t hear because I was panicking and shaking and was just trying to make this call. suddenly I heard a line pick up and a smiling-threat voice said "hello? hello? who is this?" and the line went quiet. after about ten seconds I heard the grandparents start shouting from down the hall, and the brother again incredulously saying "I can't believe you actually did it! I can't believe you actually called the police!" and other things,
we were just in shutdown mode and holding our breath while we left the phone line open to catch whatever was going on
we hung up after about two minutes I think,
I don’t remember whathappened then.
the screaming didn’t stop

anyway we found the rocks.
first diamond (other bro) said "why don't you go look for them" and the bro said "because SHE took them and I want to catch her in her lie,"
never mind that your grandmother is in her EIGHTIES and can't remember what day of the week it is most days, let alone whether or not she picked up your shorts to wash them,
she didn’t steal your crystals man, calm the heck down,

I asked him "where did you see them last," "did you leave the hosue with them," "did you check the washer,"
and lo and behold they were in his shorts in the washer,
the grandmother nearly wept with relief and said "see?? I told you I didn't steal them!"
but he insisted she pulled this whole stunt on purpose just to make him look like a fool or something I don’t even know,
but he blamed her for his shorts being in the wash, like she did that to mess with him, not to clean up his clothes which would otherwise just be left on the floor

what the heck

the next thing I remember is we went outside to throw up because we were so sick from fear we couldn’t take it,
and we heard a police siren.
it was sheer shock for a few seconds, "holy sh*t they actually came,"
but the next thing I remember is we were curled up under our desk in our room with our arms wrapped around our knees, shaking uncontrollably

and then we heard voices and stomping
and then there were flashlights all over our back lawn
and then there were fists pounding our bedroom window
five officers with guns and tasers standing three feet behind me and a windowpane
"hands up where I can see them"

so we must have gotten up because next thing I remember, we're walking down the hall and terrified that since we have to walk by a windowless hallway that they'd start shooting at us through the wall for "avoiding them"

we got to the kitchen but the house was suddenly empty and silent
our brain was literally numb, like when you get frostbite, that sort of dead feeling
someone in us feebly called for "grandma" in a very small scared voice

the next thing I know, we're on the porch, hands up against the wall while an officer asks us if we have weapons or drugs and gives us a full-body pat down
(someone inside our head euphoric with the fact that someone's touching us, that means they care, and someone else screaming not all physical contact is caring you f*cking IDIOT)

we were asked at least three times who we were, how are we related to this family, how long have we lived here, and what our gender was.
at least three times

while our brother met them at the front door with a smile and a "nothing's wrong officer, this is all just a big understanding" and a nice civil conversation while they walked together into the kitchen

why,
why in the world did they walk around the back of the house and look into my windows and assume that I was the danger,
why did I get threatened and marched and felt up and questioned repeatedly,
while the boy who knows how to hide his rage smiled and said everything was fine?

I don’t know
either way when the situation was explained (minimally, with a lot of details left out) the officers were actually rather pissed
they considered this a colossal waste of time on an entitled disrespectful kid?
so I felt awful, I didn't mean to put the brother through this,
they said "if we ever get a phone call from this house again, you're going to jail,"
told him to "learn some kindness and compassion for your grandparents"
etc etc etc.
but it was a big scolding is all. "you should be more grateful," "you need to show some respect,"
he kept saying "yes sir" with a flat expression and eventually they left

I washed the floors where they had left mud from their shoes
and not five minutes later the brother started up again.
the same damn thing.

god, why, I don’t even understand,


like two hours later the mother came up the house to talk to him,
the dad called to see why the heck police cars were all up the homestead,

meanwhile I have no idea what's been happening for the past 4 to 5 hours

we're sick and nauseous and bloated and we just feel awfully ill and I don’t know why
we don’t remember eating anything but I know someone kept throwing up
even our 'safe foods' lately make us vomit, we're that anxious I suppose,
even though anxiety makes us go numb and sleepy and blank
but yeah right now we're just so upset and sad because we have to eat but we can't keep anything down,
and at the end of the day we're nauseous and shaking and weak and tired because of it all,
at least our body looks better, we lost like 15 pounds last month,
the only issue is how upsetting it is to feel like we cannot eat, like we're FORBIDDEN, now that we're actually hungry and this poor wrecked body is just looking for fuel to run, just looking for something that's not painful for once.
and vegetables aren't painful but we can eat 10 cups of salad if we want, that's still not giving us enough calories and broader mineral types. unfortunately we can't live on lettuce and cucumbers, although we've effectively been trying to for months.

but yeah dissociation is terrifyingly bad lately.
it's only ever not bad when we're on our computer, or on the road with genesis twice a week, then we can at least manage to get good people out,
but we're so exhausted in a really weird brain-burnt way, it's hard to focus at all.


I hate this, yesterday was the same thing,
we didn’t get home until 5:30pm and our memory doesn't start until 10pm or later


but yeah uh there's more frightening stuff tied to our bedroom which we are practically confined to all the time,
talk abuot being in a psychologically upsetting envuronment
i'm sorry.

we need to heal this


nice way to start the new year


I wont let this hinder us
mark my words.
we'll still do our best.

today was just… rough.

tomorrow we have to take the brother shopping for food and then there's church and I just hope to GOD we can get some rest in the meantime,
we were so tired this morning we wanted to weep, but we couldn’t stay in bed because there were errands to run and the family was relying on us for it,

I'm so tired.


anyway that's it for tonight

it may just make me feel worse, but the atrocityland strangers primer is finally online and it's disturbingly fascinating and it is inspiring but it's 100% cannon vibes. and her vibes are from a very dark time period. i think we first discovered the atrocityland stuff during her time too.
we're being dipped right back into that lately though, with everything, there are callbacks to 2010 and 2011 everywhere, I don’t know why,
is it therapy? do we need to backtrack? or is the house vibe changing? both? something else?
either way I'm reading about eldritch nightmare serpent things and it is at least giving me something to think about creatively.

creepy as hell or not i love this kid's work so much and i am really, really enjoying reading this.


but deep down inside we just want to cry like a child and take a whole day off of life and everything just to sleep,

that's it.


hoopa fronted for about an hour when we first woke up. good. he's optimistic and lighthearted enough.
he was talking to cel for a bit and it struck the data-recall how starkly different she looks from the "canon" celebi, which explains why it no longer feels like she fits in video games, AND why she hasn't been imitated by hackers in ages (because they can't lie about her anymore).
anyway she's safe, they're all safe from that, we'll make sure no matter what. we think they've moved to a spectrum where that can't touch them anymore and THANK GOD.
hoopa is a "split fronter" in that his unbound form manifests separately from him sometimes, as a "brother," but the two are effectively one being? think fusions in steven universe, in reverse. like they're normally two halves of a united psyche, but at the same time they are their own people and can function as such when needed. does that make sense? anyway cel was joking with unbound-hoopa (i dont know if they have slightly different names or what) while normal-hoopa was in the body, just smiling, and it had a very nice optimistic morning feel and we're going to hold on to that because that's the vibe of the day we want to keep going all day.



so now i'm out (jay), and i'm listening to "be the light," and i'm feeling the wave of sad childlike surrender that's coming from all this and that, standing in embraced contrast to the heart-deep-punch headspace vibe of this song is just... making me want to weep.

this is hope. this is my function. i keep us alive this way.
at night we live, at night, like this, we exist, and survive, and breathe, and are grateful for life, and look forward to tomorrow...
but i don't want our tomorrows to hurt as badly as the under-threads of today did.
god i want to heal those hurts parts of us, i want to heal all the hurt in our biological family, i want peace and love and joy in this hosuehold...
if all i can do is be the light, as fiercely and sincerely as i can, i suppose that's... i hope that's enough.
please let that be enough.