oct 14 2015

[prismaticbleed]

I’ve realized that part of me is terrified of “going to heaven” or “reaching a higher state of consciousness” because that part of me is convinced that, in doing so, I will “have to have sex with ALL those people.”
Please, someone tell me where in hell this train of thought all began?

This is partly why I’m scared to death of “my brother,” who I cannot even call that because it feels licentious and disgusting. We KNOW he was trying to use sex with his girlfriend to “reach enlightenment” or something, and a big part of us HATES him/them for that because, 1) this is not the first time we lost a friend to sex, 2) that girlfriend of his was so promiscuous around us it was frightening, and 3) we’re guilty of trying to put religion INTO sexuality and we hate ourselves for that so much.

But yeah. With him around the house, with that inexplicable attitude of his that’s part wishy-washy, part pity-party drama-king, part “I hate the world so let it burn,” part “I have hidden knowledge and you don’t,” part “Well, apparently I know nothing, it was all just me going crazy! Guess I’m just a stupid idiot after all!” whine sniffle hiss growl grumble shut up. I am so SICK of that.
But that’s not really him. It CAN’T be. It absolutely CANNOT BE, and that is why it terrifies me, because then what is it?
The “real him” isn’t even really a him and isn’t entirely human either and they are SO DIFFERENT than how “he” acts on a daily basis. It’s jarring.
And “I” HATE him for it because I see him as a mirror.
I see him as a reflection of how horrible I am. Every thing he does I see as a sign from God telling me to shape the heck up or I’m going to be shipped the hell out. Every time he throws a self-hating pity party, I know I’ve done the same in my dissociative ignorance, and I want to annihilate that part of myself so I react to him with rage. Every time he says his knowledge is useless and starts the angry poor-me syndrome, I see the doubts that crush me and the stupid fake looking for “””validation””” I can fall victim to… and I want to annihilate that part of myself so I react to him with rage. Do you see a pattern here?
Every stupid ignorant selfish corrupted heathen thing I do, I see reflected in him. He’s a walking reminder of ALL MY ARROGANT MISTAKES AND BEHAVIORS and although I know he’s a person, although I know he’s a living human being, it has become so difficult for me to see people as anything other than billboards. And that disturbs me too.




It probably says a lot that I am the least dissociative when I treat life like a video game. If I visualize point counters and quest chains and item info boxes and health bars, I can actually function a LOT BETTER than I would otherwise. It’s similar to how the System functions THE BEST in the body by treating it like a “giant robot,” NOT as a “person” or as a “costume.” Nope, we need to cut it off entirely, make it something that needs maintenance and steering alone, and the suddenly we’re able to take care of ourselves better than ever.
This only becomes a problem when I need to be around other people. They don’t like to “play along” with that, and constantly force me to act like a “me.” That very pronoun is hell on earth and triggers some of our WORST behavior, so the key is to either use “us” or avoid pronouns all together—speak in a detached narrative sense instead. “I” is a safer word but that is only really safe in a headspace context. You’ll see us use “I” freely, but never “me.”


My right wrist and right ankle have been in awful pain for weeks now. What does that mean? In a way it scares me because I heard that, “spiritually,” the right side is the giving side, and if I’m hurting does that mean I’m not “giving” enough? How much do I have to give?
“Giving” is a word that always makes me shake at the knees because God knows I constantly try to give of myself, of my time and work and care, but it feels like that gets stomped on and God demands money. Who even cares what you do around the house? It’s not enough. Get a second job and PAY PEOPLE.
God I’m scared, okay? I’d love to get a second job just so I never have to go "home" but then, what do I do about transportation? What do I do about LIFE? If I’m going to be working 12+ hours a day like my mother wants me to, could I cope with that? Would that burn me to ashes? Or would I have to learn to numb everything out again? Would that be giving enough? I don’t know. What do I do?



There’s a quote I will always adore and it goes “I don’t want to be a person; I want to be unbearable.”

Today I realized, I cannot function as an individual.
I can only properly exist as a piece, as a part of something plural. My existence REQUIRES multiplicity of self, so to speak, to the point where “self” only holds meaning as part of a collection of unified selves.

Right now I’ve got these really stupid “wishes” and I’ve apparently had them for most of my life but they’re SO RIDICULOUS but no matter how I try to scrub them the heck out of my head, they keep coming back. Am I that weak? Am I that corrupt? What’s wrong with me?

I am really, really, really, REALLY ASHAMED to talk about this, and even admitting that is shameful, please forgive my jerkishness in this whole section, it’s unavoidable but I feel “shutting the heck up” would make this worse?

Who the heck are you, why the heck do you al;wauys ehinme wjihieo cxz.,

DON’T YOU DARE BREAK OUR OTHER COMPUTER TOO. GET THE HECK AWAY FROM HERE.



The freaking arrogant jerk bitch who was here earlier wanted to say “I want a friend!!! Waah waah waaaaah!!!!!! I want a sister twin person!!!! Waaaah poor me im so alone I want a friend!!!” SHOVE THE HELL OFF AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
NO ONE WANTS A GARBAGE BIN BITCH LIKE YOU, TRASHBAG. NO ONE WANTS SOMETHING AS SINFUL AND FILTHY AS YOU IN THEIR LIFE. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT.

This girl treats herself like utter slop and then she has the freaking nerve to COMPLAIN that no one wants to be around her?????????? Simpering airhead ego-centric BITCH.
Maybe if she’d clean up her filthy act, humankind wouldn’t be so freaking disgusted by her very existence.
But NOOO, she’s gotta make herself even FATTER and STUPIDER and MORE SINFUL THAN EVER.
Frankly she’s a stinking stain on humanity and



Those kinds of voices have the loudest roots in our head right now but they are toxic and they have no depth. They have no “personality” beyond screaming at others. They cannot exist on the inside.
They are not “real,” but what does it mean when the “real” people in a body are being smothered by the fake programmed masks full of hatred? When Armageddon comes, who is going to be burnt in the flames? Will we survive, or will we die for not being “real enough?”
It’s difficult enough being told that none of your love or joy or growth or knowledge is “real” because “you’re not a tangible separate human body, therefore everything about your existence is hallucinatory and fake.” It’s even worse to not even get the chance to try being real because these bitter, cruel, hateful, destructive, poisonous “people” are taking over the body instead, painting it their way, making it look and sound and feel like them.
It always did. This entire life, no matter what we did, the body ALWAYS belonged to them. It had their name, their face, their shape. It was like striving to be a saint but having been born with horns and a forked tail. Your very skin has betrayed your heart simply by existing. How do you get out of THIS hell? We don’t know, and to be sincere with you it is becoming scarier by the day. We’re not sure how to cope with it, even now with taking hormones. There have been barely any noticeable changes in a year. The biggest horrors require intensive surgery to remove.
We’re at a loss, and even now, typing this with those hands feels like a lie. Every word here feels like a manipulative, selfish, prim bitch actress LIE, because THAT BODY is the thing typing it.
God this is the dictionary definition of hell. What do we do.
What do we even do right now?

God I want to sob but I can’t because it’ll make that body cry instead of me.
I want to totally dissociate for a week and not have to exist physically at all. Maybe that will help.
Eating is dysphoric. Talking is dysphoric. Mirrors are terrifying, being touched is horrific. We spend every day struggling just to exist, it wears you out.
Someone mentioned the “giant robot” thing earlier though. IF we can continue that as much as possible, it MIGHT give us a chance at existing. Biggest obstacle right now is “human interaction.” We need to become more powerful than the stupid social blathering programs. It may “destroy” some of our “relationships” to stop acting all the time, but it will be 100% worth it because we can’t stand the thought of dying a liar.
We want to LIVE, for once in our life WE want to LIVE. That means, most simply, we need to stop killing ourself just because we’re in this frightening form. If we look at it a different way, treat it as something “other,” it could work.

Nevertheless that’s an ongoing topic to be put into practice and it does not need to be discussed further here.



…
Part of us is terrified of the brother because we think “if HE’S so holy, just like THEY were holy, then we HAVE to have sex with them” and God WHERE DID THAT THOUGHT PROCESS EVEN COME FROM?????????

Why the HECK does our brain think that, if we reach a “higher state of consciousness” where everyone is basically united, this means that we specifically have to have sexual relations with every one of them? Is that because OUR definition of “sex” is virtually interchangeable with “intimacy?” Meaning, we can’t so much as be physically close to a human being without feeling like they are invading our body? With that in mind, of course we’d be terrified of an “everyone is One! :)” mindset because to us, that means that everyone gets free all-access passes to our body and mind and soul, meaning we get to suddenly be a living whorehouse for whoever wants to come in, because “privacy doesn’t exist! Everything is shared!” and “sex is beautiful!!!” and “everyone is part of everyone anyway” and all that.
…does that make me flawed? That I’m scared of just being totally open to everybody like that?
I don’t’ want to let anyone and everyone into my energy field to touch it as they want, so wantonly and carelessly and without honor or respect. You may not have bad intentions but youre still manhandling it. Ignorance does not mean you are incapable of committing great harm.
Is it wrong for me to want to have “privacy” or whatever you call it? I want to be very very very exclusive about who, if anyone, gets to touch my energy field. Not like at home, where everyone sticks their hands in it for fun and I feel like a cheap whore with my own freaking family. Not like with the brother or those boys, who tried too hard to be “soft” and “I’ll save you” and whatever they were actually trying to pull, where their “gentleness” STILL feels invasive and violent because they practically push it on you. Not like with his girlfriends or the mother, who parade their body around like everyone already asked for a piece, who flaunt their bodies in a way that feels more invasive and violating than actual touch, and when they DO touch you it is the most terrifying thing you can imagine.
I don’t know, I don’t understand those people at all, that’s partly why they scare me.
But I don’t want people TOUCHING ME anymore.
Stop. please.
I don’t want anything touching this damned hateful BODY. CURSE THIS THING.
If they ever do have that option to upload your brain into a robot or something I would DEFINITELY CONSIDER IT.


When did this body get so big. I don’t like being a grown up its really scary its too big
I want to be small again please okay


This body really does hurt.


As someone was trying to say earlier:
It’s very difficult to figure out “what WE want” out of this life, because so many shallow social fronters think they have the final say and their views are limited and they all clash.
The loudest female “main fronter” is ironically the quietest and she sees herself solely as a consumable object. Her single goal in life is to “find a girlfriend who will use me as she wishes,” marry her, and dedicate the rest of their simple life to obeying their every beck and call. Literally, they see their ONLY future option as “becoming someone’s absolute servant.” They would be happy like this. BUT, this fronter denies the existence of the rest of us. They are unaware of our past, or even our present. They see nothing but NOW, and right now, they exist, and they want a girl to enslave themselves to. That’s it!
A fronter similar to them has an even shallower view—they don’t want to settle down and become a domesticated pet, they want to find a girlfriend who will use them as a sex toy and that’s it. That’s how shallow their view of themselves, and life, is. She, AND the previous girl, CANNOT IMAGINE EXISTENCE ALONE. Despite neither of them knowing about the System, they both are unable to function as individuals. Take them away from a person that they can attach to or devote/ sacrifice/ sell themselves to, put them somewhere in solitude, and they will STOP EXISTING. They will SWITCH OUT, and then who the hell has to come out and clean up their mess??? God only knows. You see why this is scary.
So we have one girl fronter who wants to get married and become a domestic servant wife,
And another girl fronter who just wants a relationship clingy and abusive and controlling enough that they will be used utterly but never left alone.
They ALL want to be used, objectified, utterly dehumanized, turned into OBJECTS… and they want to ALWAYS be in the company of a person who will treat them as such. ALWAYS.
It is very hard to fight them.
There are at least two fronters who are so humiliated and ashamed and full of potent self-hatred thanks to the family, that their literal only goal in life is to die. They want to commit suicide as soon as possible, as quickly as possible, without having to suffer MORE humiliation and body dysphoria. So their whole life is self-destructive, always a slow but unceasing walk of shame towards Death. Those fronters are out the most, thanks to being triggered so often, and as a result the power of their presence is disturbingly solid. They, too, are totally ignorant of the existence of the System.


How on earth do I get over this shame?????????????

God it is SUFFOCATING.
I literally cant do ANYTHING because the sheer crushing SHAME twists and breaks the legs of anything that would so much as THINK of stopping it. If you even dare to smile, Shame will shatter your kneecaps with a tire iron because "you think you’re such hot stuff??? You think something as disgusting and evil as you deserves to SMILE?? Spit in God’s face while you’re at it, why don’t you? Thinking you’re so goody-good you deserve to smile. Don’t make me vomit, you bloated harlot PIG. You’re sickening, you’re irredeemable, you area disgrace to all humankind, and you deserve to ROT IN HELL, nothing else. So don’t give me that smiley face bullshit. You’re not a special snowflake, you’re not a “special child of God,” you’re a filthy piece of GARBAGE that just happened to get a human face this time around and I’m gonna scrub that smile off your rotting skull. Bleed, bitch. Bleed like the whore you are. You are shit and you deserve nothing BUT shit. Enjoy your time in hell, it’s all you’ll ever get.”

Typing that makes me want to violently vomit about fifty times over but I’m not going to delete it because guess what??? That’s the EXACT feeling that lives in my stomach, in the yellow-energy area, that makes me so sick day after day, that screams and spits and hisses into my ears ALL THE TIME. Its bad enough hearing voices and hallucinating touch, its even worse when theyre like THIS.


I don’t want to eat anymore.
Every time I try, even if its just vegetables, the feeling of weight and bigness is so completely horrifying that this sort of meltdown happens afterwards without fail.
I cannot function because of the shame and terror and self-disgust and dysphoria. The immediate survival instincts after we eat are 1) vomit EVERYTHING up 2) if that fails, go to sleep immediately so you wont have to deal with this 3) if you cant sleep, kill yourself. 4) don’t kill yourself, but go find a knife, or let a hacker in. basically, go to hell, you bitch.

I don’t want to live anymore if this is what life is.
God I am so scared. I am so sorry.

I’m trying to read “A Grief Observed” by C. S. Lewis but I just started and some of it is already feeling funny in my head, like I don’t understand this or I don’t believe this or I cant empathize with this, but “it’s in a book you’re reading so you HAVE to!!!! Its WRONG to feel differently than someone else feels!!!!!!!!!”
But at one point he says, sometimes in grief and terror and fear, you look for god and its like god has the door locked in your face? That’s what it feels like right now, but that’s when I say, what the hell sort of “god” are you praying to

The “source of all things” bit never ever leaves, even in misery, which is the only saving grace we have like this. The instant we tap into it, the abusive fronters are SHOVED OUT, and we come back in. it burns through hatred and self-pity and rage and spite and pride.
But no, looking for a “big man in the sky” when we’re crushingly sad never worked because, in that sad mindset, there’s a subconscious belief of “if I’m suffering, god must not care, THEREFORE why would I find him now?” which blocks your success, OR “I deserve this bad thing so god must want me to suffer” etc etc which AGAIN blocks your success. Looking for “God” in a grief plagued by doubt is already sabotaging the possibility of you reaching Him. For all you know He COULD be answering every knock, every doorbell ring, but you’re SO doubtful, so set on a specific reply, that you can’t hear or see anything.
But I don’t want to be preachy, I don’t like preaching.
Bottom line is, usually the “floating voices” that answer me when I try to “pray” in grief are nasty, horrid, hateful things, and no matter what masks they wear or who they pretend to be speaking for I want them GONE. GO AWAY.
Only the Light that doesn’t talk and has NO agenda or pride or ‘self’ in the way we think of it, only that helps.


Speaking of selves. Here’s that “stupid, awful, shameful topic” everyone keeps running from.

Part of us wants a “twin.” It’s been a sort of weird, subconscious obsession of ours for most of our life, although we could never quite put words to it because “twin” usually means “sibling” and we did not want a sibling.
(however we are still interested in that concept as it appears in fiction! this is partly why we’re now very invested in Gravity Falls; my voice is one of the loudest in the clarion call of “STANFORD BE NICER TO YOUR BROTHER”)
For us, the very concept of parenthood was alien, up until at least late high school? I don’t even know. Growing up, parents and siblings were both conspicuously absent from the stories we wrote (Dream World had no concept of parents, every kid in Hokthai lived alone, I didn't even consider the E*girls having families)—as were houses, and friends. Said a lot about us I suppose. But when we hit age 12 or so, and suddenly we learned about this concept of relationships, well… we saw hints of what we really wanted and quickly got lost. But you all know how tangled that got and I don’t want to re-tangle it by trying to think about the past.
Now, we’ve seen and studied that “want” in us for long enough, often enough, to be able to describe it, and the closest word I can find to describe it is indeed “twin.”

I say “twin” in the spiritual sense, though, in the Dream World sense—a being that exists because you exist, essentially. Symbiotes. It has NOTHING to do with biology for us.
In Dream World, World-born twins are literally created by their realm itself as two physical manifestations of the same core soul. In contrast, non-twin W-B “siblings” occur when their realm creates two beings at once with their own complete souls, so to speak. Does that make sense? In Dream World, “siblings” are their own separate people, just born at the same time, whereas “twins” are literally part of each other.
Don’t get me wrong, siblings still feel a powerful bond with each other, but it’s of a totally different sort from what twins feel. Twins CANNOT be apart, siblings can.

Justice & Revenge are the key example that I can think of, but I actually looked, and “twins” of this sort pop up in virtually EVERY Leagueworld, it seems… Hosea & Hosanna, Uminel & Unomel, 005 & 006, Mirage & Corona, Halcyon & Echelon, and the unnamed twins from Nogaisa, Their relationships are all unique, this is true, but although it manifests in different ways that core quality is always there.
Strikingly, the daemons in headspace ALSO count as “twins” as far as my brain is concerned, BECAUSE they are “two beings made of the same soul” even if they don’t look alike. You see what I mean?
The key quality is always that sense of being two individuals who are still the same essence at the core. It's so hard to correctly put into words, I apologize.

I want to write about this more but I can't get my thoughts together enough right now.

To apply this to what “we” want… I know someone tried to write about it way back in the Blurty days, at least I think they attempted to (I think that’s when we first became aware of it). It’s essentially that, we want to devote ourselves totally to someone who will devote themselves totally to us.
It always blew our minds growing up when someone would call us their friend, but then go and have like five other friends!! How could you do that, we thought? I thought it was ME! Now what? I would pour myself out to these people, devoting myself to them and expecting an identical return… and then they’d effectively say, “oh by the way, you’re just A friend I have. Nothing special, sorry!”
Realizing that was twice as jarring when we “grew up.”
But… now we understand why things always fell through. We didn’t understand what we were looking for, let alone what to ask for, or why we were acting like we did, and why we were so distraught at how other people were acting.

We can have multiple friends now, because we no longer expect people to be our “twin” right off the bat. We are still looking, somewhat ashamedly, mostly heartbroken, partly unsure if we even need someone on the outside or not… but really it’s very lonely growing up solitary and it would be really nice to have SOMEONE to share our future with at this point, because as things stand now there is essentially no one. No family, no social group. The scarce friends we have online are either too distant or not close enough, and I do mean that both ways.
It’s really horrible because on the inside this is unsatisfied too, in a way. With all the fracturing and switching it's bad enough... when you go days not knowing who you are or where you are or what year it is or what's going on... you get the idea.
But the worst part is never being able to touch these people, so to speak. It's heartrending. Especially with ghosters, God they are so close, but then I remember that they aren't "actually there," no one but me can see them or hear them. I forget that so often. Like Genesis, geez he's like a part of me whenever I'm in the outerworld, we're inseparable, and I adore him, but... but it shreds my heart when I realize that the future I want, the life I want now, the sense of total safety and happiness and completion I want in the tangible realm I CANNOT HAVE as long as these people don't have bodies. It's the stupidest thing.
I want to sob. They are all I will ever want in life. They are my past, my present, and my future, they are what I dream for and dream about, they are the people I would and do breathe and bleed for, but God there's still this terrible reality split and THAT is why I'm looking for a "twin" downstairs, because God knows that I HURT so badly with this rift between me and the rest of my soul and forgive me, forgive me but I just desperately want that pain abated, I want that void filled, even a little, on the outside for once in my life.

The problem is, we can’t be ANYONE’S “twin” when we’re dissociated, because then we’re not us.


...

Today was mostly full of inexplicable crushing sadness, but I did try my best.
(i played spyro 2 to show lynne the scenery of the hubworlds. everyone adored it, said we definitely need that stuff in headspace. i realized how much the vibe of it had ALREADY stuck, to both our inner realms and the Leagueworlds to a lesser extent. unfortunately when i tried to play a level i started getting BAD vibe flashbacks?? got horribly dissociated and uncomfortable and had to shut off the playstation. like the vague existentially-dreadful past was eating me alive. laurie said not to force myself to do anything that made me feel sick.)
(played nier, the 2nd go at the forest of myth-- both funny and sad. loved it as always. had to stop when the brother came in the room)


I keep taking melatonin pills but I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP. I feel too filthy, too undeserving of sleep, especially since I am still forced to share a bed.
But that worries me. Casual pill-popping is NOT safe, especially not when I’m made aware of it AFTER it happens.
We’re rather sedated right now and that’s not good as we needed to exercise tonight you know.

We typed a lot today so I’m going to leave this as-is (it’s impossible to finish an entry “the next day”) and go exercise right now while we hopefully have a chance. Good night.




(end notes= finished exercise on “nothingecho” at 11:11. chaos 0 & I sang it to xennie, she was so happy.
Next song was anomaly-calling your name, the ferry corsten remix. That’s high school with genesis.
Then it was rio’s song!!! so he sang that as the minute finally changed.)
(also Julie sang "light prayer" with lynne accopanying her, it was great. seeing her just put her all into singing was so wonderful; she's still struggling with )
(ended on 1969 because it literally has the best ending ever. javier was playing the piano right up until the last refrain, when he helped xenophon (who had raptly been watching him) to play it, because it's very simple. she was euphoric. that plus the bittersweet beauty of that outro just hit my heartstrings. i dont want to ever forget it)