120122

[prismaticbleed]

(written on 120722; backposted for chronological accuracy)
(unfinished; will continue, refine, & edit later)


December 1st, Thursday.
4545 steps on the pedometer. We must have gone out.

Breakfast at 12:30???
There's a thank-you note to HARMONIA in the log!!
 
Lunch was at 20:30 WTF.
It's also apparent disaster. There are unusual items listed-- pear, tomato, spinach. So we apparently went shopping AND bought without a list, indicating a manic-leaning state, and definite dissociative compulsions.
I know for a fact we purged all of this. We got very sick from the spinach (so does our mom and brother; we think it's a histamine sensitivity, and we need to stop ignoring the fact that we DO react the same) and Allegra freaked out so that was our "emergency exit."

As for the rest of the day... well, considering this was the day after the entry in which we mentioned the library sale, and since we got home SO LATE, this was DEFINITELY a day when we went shopping WITH MOM.
Ah yes-- checking the camera log, it was. We went BACK to the mall and mom had us try on so many dresses, insisting on buying two of them for us to wear to church. Honestly it was... kind of disturbing and highly triggering at times. She KNOWS we're not cis, and haven't been for OUR WHOLE LIFE, and even presented fulltime as MALE for like... a full decade. She KNOWS this. And yet she STILL forces femininity on us, sometimes VERY bluntly and without much tact. Does... does she not remember or realize how badly that triggers us? When she goes out of her way to call us a "woman" or insist on us being "feminine" AND still talks about our body in sexualized terms JUST LIKE SHE DID WHEN WE WERE YOUNG, which started this whole hell of trauma grooming-- does she do so because she's trying to gaslight us into becoming what SHE wants and that she KNOWS we're NOT? Because as much as I hate to say it, that is something she would do. She... can be stubborn, and VERY much in denial.
...
Still, we look... really good in a few of those outfits, haha. And we DID try on the "Genesis dress" although it admittedly paled in comparison to the dresses our mom picked. That woman has an EYE for fashion, let me tell you.
You get ONE PHOTO

That's our favorite one, that we picked out-- obviously, because it's red with gemstones, come on


Phone image downloads indicate that we were on Tumblr doing faithbrowsing, as it were, while we were eating that hyperlate lunch.
It ALSO shows that, around 13:30, we checked out our "Spotify Wrapped," which we always look forward to because music is SO IMPORTANT to us as a System, AND it is the #1 CHRONOLOGICAL ANCHOR for us. Listening to tunes is a legit time machine; so every end-of-year summary brings back FLOODS of unexpected memories.

Our top tracks were:
1. SUPER SONIC RACING AW YEAAAAH SON!!! This was our TREADMILL TUNE during our gym phase in March/April, before COVID knocked us on our collective ass.
2. "I Still Have That Other Girl" by Burt Bacharach & Elvis Costello... which was me & Laurie's lovesong for the year. I'm serious.
3. "Brainwash" by Nils Frahm. For some reason, this song makes me think of Celebi??
4. "Wandering II -  Ed Carlsen Rework" by Eydis Evensen, which sounds JUST LIKE CHAOS 0 and it's beautiful. I remember looping it the week before we were admitted to inpatient treatment. 
5. "Hummingbird" by Anomalie & Bad Snacks, which is XENOPHON'S song!

Our top artists were:
1. Eydis Evensen. I'm surprised, and yet I'm not-- we didn't listen to much Spotify this year, BUT in those two weeks post-hallbed and pre-inpatient, we were so depressed and ALWAYS on the road for some reason? But we just put her albums on loop. They matched how we felt.
2. SEGA SOUND TEAM
3. Todd Rundgren! I'm not sure why but it's so good to see him up here, as he's a cornerstone in our lifetime music history.
4. Hauschka!
5. Ola Gjeilo. This is no surprise, because at some point during the year we had a Leaguework dive and we were looping their selfnamed album for days as we typed, notably "The Rose" & "Sanctus" & "The Tundra." They all have these very emotionally evocative chords, that inspire the most sincere and important imaginative visions.

Oh yeah, and the wrapup had this little thing where they give a three-word "genre descriptor" of the types of tunes you listened to at morning/day/night? And it's HILARIOUS because it says "Your morning started wth Sad Boi Chill Relaxing" like WHAT IS THAT, I laughed out loud when I saw it. But we apparently "embraced the night with Moody Friendly Energy" which is quite fitting, seeing as that's when we end up here typing all together. Moody, absolutely, but always bound by sincere friendship. That's the energy that keeps me going.
My favorite, though, is that we "seized the day with Calm Relaxing Love."

Our wrapup BGM tunes:
1. Larnelle Harris, haha. "Gaither Medley!"
2. Ola Gjeilo, I think? Choir music. Really beautiful. I think "The Ground."
3. "This Side Of Eternity" by Sam Ock. This is one of those songs that comes out of left field and just hits me in the ribs. ...Honestly I'm glad this song ended up here. I remember looping it one night when my heart was particularly aching, because the lyrics just... express that far too well. And oh geez, NOW I know why this is on here-- there was ONE DAY when I looped this in the car and just kind of sang through sobs to it, over and over. "I want to be all that You want me to be, but everything's broken in me... what is wrong with me? Maybe I'm deranged..." you get the idea. And it starts slow and fragile, like holding back tears even as you stop hiding the fact that they're there, and it gradually but ardently moves to heartache at 4:00 and it hurts. I honestly tear up every single time I hear it. 
4. "Messe da pacem, Op. 38: No. 5, Agnus Dei" by Pierre Villette! Gosh I remember finding this one; the whole album is such a uniquely composed mass setting. It has this unusual "mindspace" when I listen to it; it's ethereal but it's dark? The dissonances and unresolved chords elicit some of that "numinous dread" around the edges and it's very cool.
5. SUPER SONIC RACIIIIIING gosh I LOVE THAT SONG THOUGH
6. "I Still Have That Other Girl," notably the leadup to the chorus, but it stops before the kick so it's this awful cathartic whiplash, haha. At least it makes me want to listen to it all the more-- it builds that emotion up then says, "ball's in your court, kiddo" so now I HAVE to sing it myself, haha. I'M NOT COMPLAINING
7. Some funky EDM beat? Honestly I don't know offhand, which is shocking as it must have been one we listened to a decent amount? Actually, looking through our playlist, I think it's "Dagdraumur - Janus Rasmussen Remix" by Eydis Evensen? And this IS cool. Adding it to our likes!
8.  "Wandering II," and the part that sounds like the blue guy so my heart gets instant shockwaves
9. "Hawking" by Todd Rundgren! Not surprised; I was infatuated with this song for weeks. Still am; it hits a spot of my heart that few songs do.
10. Papik & Alan Scaffardi!! "For So Long." Chaos 0 loves to sing Alan's music; his voice is a close match, and the lyrics... mean a lot to me, when he sings them.
11. "Missa Festiva for Mixed Choir and Organ, Op. 62: Gloria" by Flor Peeters. It has some really cool chords.

Lastly, our "listening personality" is "The Specialist." = "You're selective with the music and artists you listen to, but you've got lots of love to go around. Once you decide you like an artist, you're all in." That is SO ACCURATE, and it's actually really touching, worded that way.

Remind me to come back to this topic later, with some of the songs in our top 100 for 2022-- there's a lot of love and memories in here, and I want to write about them.



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