071913

[prismaticbleed]

 

I don't want any of this to be real anymore.

Can't I just turn it off? Can't I just erase everything and ignore that it ever happened? Can't they all just disappear or something?

I don't want to deal with this every day anymore.

I don't want any more alters. No more. Go away. Stop talking to me.
I don't want to be "triggered" and I don't want to be losing time and I don't want the constant cacophany between my ears.

I never had a life because of you. All of you. You ruined it. Go away.

 

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@ 12:43 am

dear god:

please kill everyone else upstairs thank you 


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@ 02:47 pm


Christina and Jess really need to stop finding their way onto this page when they're fronting (however that happens).

Yes, they're responsible for the previous two posts.
I want to delete them but I know they'll get furious with me if I do, so until I find somewhere else to put them, they have to stay here. I don't know if the Lowers would want those on their blog... I doubt it though.

Laurie and Knife gave me a message last night to post here on their behalf, telling the girls exactly why what they're doing is "fucked up" and completely uncalled for, but honestly that would just be more capslock and rage and I don't have the heart to yell at anyone right now, even if it's warranted.

I just want to say that those two girls are not welcome here. Sorry about that.


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@ 03:10 pm


TRACK 45 (mid-july 2013)

(Josephina) Okay, this is Josephina, can I take some notes Jewel, please. …Fine, J, whatever; I'm just trying to figure out a name and that's kinda why I'm updating on this thing right now.. We're going through a bit of a crisis, I'm not really fronting very well I've gotta go through the Autopilot but I gotta take notes. Alright. As of yesterday, someone showed up in the system, apparently their name is CHRISTINA? Now the reason why that's a problem is not just because it sounds like my name, which is Josephina, but because, she's lilac in color. That used to be mine. And remember when I showed up in 2010, do you remember how? *short sigh* How I first showed up to J, y'know, that-- regrettable incident there? W-well, I really wasn't… the main person responsible, for that… there was a girl with really long blonde hair, n' we all thought it was me, and I thought it was me, and… I don't know. J said it was somebody else, that I was… that I was, y'know, fronting for him in, in that, and so. we never really realized that whoever this blonde woman was, wasn't Julie, who was it? And, now that we're really thinking about it, we thought it was one of those two promiscuous girls who are downstairs that J is so afraid of and that scare the little kids, I mean I-I'm still trying to get over the fact that we've got little kids in the system, like how did I not even know about that? Like I-- how did any of us not even know about that? It's crazy! There's little kids, in the System, and then we've got these older women that aren't Julie, and that aren't Jezebel, an-and there's, there's-- aaagghh, I don't even know but its-- the reason why I'm so mad is because of this Christina person though. You're probably wondering who she is? Well remember how we used to call someone the "lilac killer girl?" This-this-this-this girl with really long, lilac hair and she seemed to be some sorta "spiritual waif" person, and she really got on my nerves, 'cause she kept wishin' that everyone else upstairs would die? N'the reason why that annoys me is not just because she's wishing all of us are dead, but because I happen to be the Grim Reaper? But more specifically I'm the Id Reaper, which means I'm the one that cuts down all the subconscious idiots, like her? And the problem is, she seems to be, y'know… not only does she seem to be… y'know, usurping that role and everything, but she seems to be, like… m-me n' her, were… created from the same thing. N' that's why I'm really worried, because, um… *dry laugh* Well, way back in 2010, we didn't know that's how this kind of stuff worked? But, if she was born from that, same thing that I was born from, like this-this thing with… I don't know. I really don't know what I anchored to, I anchored originally to checking facts and making sure things were-- it is really hot in this car. But-- man, I can't front very well! Y'get the point. There's this Christina person that wants us all to die, and she's lilac, and she seems to be my counterpart in the Lower System and this is really scary and I don't like it bye.

 

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@ 10:24 pm


I'm on the Arvee avatar generator trying to make representations for some lower system members, and I forgot how much I love this thing!

You probably wonder why I make these avatars for new system members before I even attempt drawing them. The reason for that is easy: it is often difficult for me to see things literally upstairs, but it is very easy for me to feel how they look. Meaning, I KNOW how they look, intuitively, but I couldn't describe it to you in words or through art. However, if you give me something like an avatar generator, with hundreds of different, premade appearance pieces-- hairstyles and eye colors and things-- I can easily piece together an avatar that looks as close to their appearance as I can get with what I'm given. See?

So this is good. I just did one for Mulberry and I'm trying to find Knife's hairstyle in here. Next will be Razor, then the overload girl, and the little blue-haired boy (they're the clearest).
The problem is, a lot of the "faceless" voices downstairs are just that--faceless! Like the airplane guy, Sherlock, and the Gent (who decided to dress the body this evening, which resulted in me suddenly finding myself wearing grey slacks in a car in 100 degree weather. Sir, you can't wear dress pants all the time). They exist clearly as beings, but they don't have bodies yet. I have no idea if there's anything we can do to help them form them, or not. Typically it just "happens" when they're ready. Maybe that's all that needs to happen here, we'll see.
Speaking of, the red voice guy hasn't manifested yet either. He feels really, really unsure about his appearance. The only thing he seems to have decided on for sure is his hair-- it looks very close to this, I think? very unique-- and the fact that he has ear gauges (he saw horns like this once and immediately wanted them). But I know he's actually having this weird inner conflict over skin tone, of all things? Our entire system has lighter skin tones because that's what the consciousness had available to anchor to (we unfortunately lived in a very racist community as a child). So people don't have real access to darker tones, as that's tied to so much social and psychological stuff that we don't know about, it would be hard to carry it in a "neutral environment" (i.e. there's no culture or genetics here, so skin tone is literally just a different color) without people outside of headspace claiming appropriation or something. I don't know, it's weird.
But the red guy keeps feeling like he wants to have darker skin, FOR that reason? Example: my grandparents were making some very racist comments earlier and HE got angry! I guess because he'd deal with Red, which is survival and safety and life and that stuff, he's said that he feels "obligated" to protect the rights and safety of everyone upstairs, and he hates hearing things like that in the outer life, even if they don't affect us directly. And I KNOW for a fact that a good deal of that feeling is actually thanks to Jeremiah?? Because he actually has a mid-tone skin color, which surprised me at first, and he's been badly abused. And in the outer reality, people who "aren't white" do have a higher risk of being abused, from what statistics I've seen. So when the red guy heard about that, he got furious, because Jeremiah is such a sweetheart-- he spends most of his time protecting the kids downstairs, for heaven's sakes, although he's almost chronically terrified of what lurks in the shadows himself. And I know the red guy really, really wants to help protect him-- and everyone downstairs, I think?-- in return. But he feels torn about what he knows of the outer world, because I guess being Red he's closer to it than anyone else in Central? And that's significantly affecting his appearance manifestation, so he's hesitating.
I wish I knew what to do, but I have no clue; I have no personal knowledge to aid with this. Hm.

Speaking of anchors, I don't know if I want to make Subeta avatars for Jezebel, Jessica, or Christina. I don't want to give them any more anchorage than they've already managed to steal for themselves. Focusing that much on their faces just feels wrong. I don't want to risk it.
Geez. Who would've thought that one day RAZOR would be closer to being "on our side" than they would? Not me, that's for sure.

On a lighter note, I need to mention this-- on the way home from the library today, I forget what provoked it, but Laurie was joking that "Knife doesn't leave the Underground because if he did, he'd start sparkling." I think it was because Knife is very clandestine about his existence yet, and Laurie figured that if he did sparkle (God forbid) it would be the final nail in the coffin for his attempts to stay secret. (Yes, pun intended, I couldn't resist.)
Knife had no idea what we were talking about, but he was getting a little anxious over the possibility of such an inconcealable appearance quirk, which just made the whole thing even funnier. Sorry dude!

All right, Laurie's telling me to get back to work, so I will. See you guys.