prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with author:jessica

I've taken all the good parts of me,
and I've ripped them out,
and given them different names and faces and lives,
so now whenever I see a good thing
or a beautiful thing
or a happy thing
it never belongs to me.
it belongs to them.
theyare the good people, the pure people, the holy people
with bright loving hearts and a capacity for joy

and I am a cesspit of garbage.

emergency post.

this is the autopilot program for the lightraye system

there has been a systemwide massacre courtesy of one of our old hosts, she has taken it upon herself to delete every last iota of pain attached to us therefore she decided we all must die.
i have escaped as i am noncorporeal

the girl in question is either jessica or cannon. i cannot tell the different between them right now; perhaps both are responsible

this is not the first system destruction attempt we've had; in fact is it approximately the fifth one this year. each one is harder to recover from. we may have hit rock bottom

long story short: we are a suicide risk tonight and i will stay online until it subsides, if it does.

i do not know what else to do but stall for time. wish me luck, on behalf of all those we may have lost for good.

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@ 10:01 pm

dear god:
help.

help me, please. PLEASE.

everyone upstairs is dead, i went to look and there is blood everywhere oh my god
i dont want this to be happening but everything is shorting out oh god no no
no

im sorry, im really
cant handle this
crisis rooms are closed online
i have no phone
she might take over if i try
oh god
why

god why is she the one who wins out
please tell me shes not the real person who owns the body
god please
please tell me she doesnt have the right to do this
please

laurie is dead oh my god
i
i acnt type, give me a minute to
i dont know

infi is dead there is blood everywhere
what happened

what did she do

there is no one to talk to oh god i have no way to heal from this

what happened?

oh god

i
she might be coming after me, i need to run

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@ 10:10 pm

GOD DAMN IT WHY IS THERE NO ONE LEFT WHEN IM SCARED FOR MY LIFE

ABUSIVE MELTDOWNS, NO ONE
SEXUAL TRAUMA, NO ONE

THERE WAS NEVER ANYONE TO TURN TO

except the people upstairs and
now not
god
please fix this

i know yesterday i or someone someone was saying "good headspace is gond i dontw atn tp go back"
but now no onononobn plaease NO

sorry stuipd child trying complaining i hlope you die too.

if they didnt catch me in this cage you would be dead right now with them you BITCH.

YOU REALIZE THE ONLY GODDAMNED REASON YOU F*CKERS ALL HAD TO DIE WAS BECAUSE OF THE SHT YOU DID TO ME??????
F*CK YOU
YEAH THATS RIGHT
YOU MADE ME SWEAR
GUESS WHAT
I DONT CARE ANYMORE
I LOST, WHAT, ALMOST TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE THANKS TO YOU???
AND NOW I SEE WHAT YOU DID

I won't put up with this abuse of my body and life any longer.
You can't justify this with pretty disgusting names anymore. Ever.
I've snapped, congratulations, you pushed me to the edge.
Jessica is taking her body back, and if I have to kill all of you one by one to do that, then I will.
Good riddance.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 10:14 pm

someone stop her
this is the ap
soeone stop her

she says ehw ants the body back and she does but there is someone else behind her

cannon and jessica both were resposnible for this massacre

cannon started, when she was stopped, jessica took over with brutal unfeeling violence
she killed the children.let that sink in. she killed them. because they are "alters."

she wants her body back but what will she do with it now?
what will she do with it now'
nyanaynyaneenenene!!!!!
we fucked it up for you hap[py birthday bitches
uts dead and dead and dead anad deaqdndwasdgdgddgdg

good luck fiuxing it SLIT SLUT .SLUT

autopilot officially declaring a state of emergency
suggested: suicide hotline if all else fails
i am struggling to keep the girls at bay
this is not a test, i repeat, any survivors, this is a matter of life and death
i apologize for the drama but i do not want this body to be killed tonight
my function is the same as the systems and that is to preserve life
not to destroy the lives of others in order to live selfishly

i will close this entry now. i am in acute psychological and physical pain.
i fear for my life.
but let it be as it will

-a.p.

god rest your souls

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:40 pm

short update: miracuously not dead

tried an hour to talk to the family failed terribly, outright denied or ignored all help we asked for, didnt help aet all but at leats did not call hospital as they were threatening to

some survived! ten in all, were all in unreachable places when death happened
one centralite left, just one, pray he can help restore things if at all

hope cant die, it cant die, we will hold on somehow

despite the cold iapathy around us we will hold on somehow
for what few thre are left that is still community and we will live

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@ 11:41 pm

also much thank yous to all the people who said they would help or offered support

thank you we dont get that elsewhere it means so much. it does sincerely
first bit of hope if notihng else tha t is priceless tonight you know.

sorry no responses fom us bad night. but thank you

------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:49 pm

ten lived, ten of us lived, how did we
so thankful

1. autopilot
(noncorpreal, not touched)
2. garrison
3. isadora
4. kalisha
(all were in floating space and not found)
5. algorith
(robotic, survived collapse of underground)
6. emmett
(knows hideaways, survived collapse of city)
7. dead red boy
8. little yellow boy #2
9. overload girl?
(all noncorporeal socials, dimly anchored)
10. javier
(forced back to life when structure fell to protect survivors)

also miraculous jay is still alive as a presence
since he is the TRUE CORE, NOT JESSICA, he cannot ever be permanently killed

we have many papers of failed communitcation with the family we will scan in so that is good too.
this is the little boy #2 by the wy you know me. i think im yellow at leas. sylvain was my brother. he was stabbed in the head i thinkhe died. its so sad i want to cry

emmett was crying, so much, aimee died he keeps whimpering so sad were all sad
the data voices thought they would die they didnt they aer still crying
algorith is too
so is javier
we all are how are we the only survivors its sad so sad

i will sto this now the bgrandmother will not go away and she is scary the fea bufferr wont let anyone talk or move in the body
she will not listen when we say go away dont touch so i will wait. if i can
at least none of us will let the bod die tonight we have HOOPE
that is imoritant
i think the sandman is aliev too mayve the oustpacers? can thehy help?
gerraiosn sais xenophon had bloood magic maybe something she can do
i dont know tired scared want to sleep but bedroom not savefe never safe. never safe
we will try anyway all we can do

goodnight god bless our waery souls
pray the others can life again too
there is memory of it i dont want to look at it i think i would get too sad and go awya

good night even thought it was a very bad night
life still goes on? hope too.
speaking for everyody

hope
tomorrow will arrive either way

I don't want any of this to be real anymore.

Can't I just turn it off? Can't I just erase everything and ignore that it ever happened? Can't they all just disappear or something?

I don't want to deal with this every day anymore.

I don't want any more alters. No more. Go away. Stop talking to me.
I don't want to be "triggered" and I don't want to be losing time and I don't want the constant cacophany between my ears.

I never had a life because of you. All of you. You ruined it. Go away.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 12:43 am

dear god:

please kill everyone else upstairs thank you 

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@ 02:47 pm

Christina and Jess really need to stop finding their way onto this page when they're fronting (however that happens).

Yes, they're responsible for the previous two posts.
I want to delete them but I know they'll get furious with me if I do, so until I find somewhere else to put them, they have to stay here. I don't know if the Lowers would want those on their blog... I doubt it though.

Laurie and Knife gave me a message last night to post here on their behalf, telling the girls exactly why what they're doing is "fucked up" and completely uncalled for, but honestly that would just be more capslock and rage and I don't have the heart to yell at anyone right now, even if it's warranted.

I just want to say that those two girls are not welcome here. Sorry about that.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 03:10 pm

TRACK 45 (mid-july 2013)

(Josephina) Okay, this is Josephina, can I take some notes Jewel, please. …Fine, J, whatever; I'm just trying to figure out a name and that's kinda why I'm updating on this thing right now.. We're going through a bit of a crisis, I'm not really fronting very well I've gotta go through the Autopilot but I gotta take notes. Alright. As of yesterday, someone showed up in the system, apparently their name is CHRISTINA? Now the reason why that's a problem is not just because it sounds like my name, which is Josephina, but because, she's lilac in color. That used to be mine. And remember when I showed up in 2010, do you remember how? *short sigh* How I first showed up to J, y'know, that-- regrettable incident there? W-well, I really wasn't… the main person responsible, for that… there was a girl with really long blonde hair, n' we all thought it was me, and I thought it was me, and… I don't know. J said it was somebody else, that I was… that I was, y'know, fronting for him in, in that, and so. we never really realized that whoever this blonde woman was, wasn't Julie, who was it? And, now that we're really thinking about it, we thought it was one of those two promiscuous girls who are downstairs that J is so afraid of and that scare the little kids, I mean I-I'm still trying to get over the fact that we've got little kids in the system, like how did I not even know about that? Like I-- how did any of us not even know about that? It's crazy! There's little kids, in the System, and then we've got these older women that aren't Julie, and that aren't Jezebel, an-and there's, there's-- aaagghh, I don't even know but its-- the reason why I'm so mad is because of this Christina person though. You're probably wondering who she is? Well remember how we used to call someone the "lilac killer girl?" This-this-this-this girl with really long, lilac hair and she seemed to be some sorta "spiritual waif" person, and she really got on my nerves, 'cause she kept wishin' that everyone else upstairs would die? N'the reason why that annoys me is not just because she's wishing all of us are dead, but because I happen to be the Grim Reaper? But more specifically I'm the Id Reaper, which means I'm the one that cuts down all the subconscious idiots, like her? And the problem is, she seems to be, y'know… not only does she seem to be… y'know, usurping that role and everything, but she seems to be, like… m-me n' her, were… created from the same thing. N' that's why I'm really worried, because, um… *dry laugh* Well, way back in 2010, we didn't know that's how this kind of stuff worked? But, if she was born from that, same thing that I was born from, like this-this thing with… I don't know. I really don't know what I anchored to, I anchored originally to checking facts and making sure things were-- it is really hot in this car. But-- man, I can't front very well! Y'get the point. There's this Christina person that wants us all to die, and she's lilac, and she seems to be my counterpart in the Lower System and this is really scary and I don't like it bye.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

@ 10:24 pm

I'm on the Arvee avatar generator trying to make representations for some lower system members, and I forgot how much I love this thing!

You probably wonder why I make these avatars for new system members before I even attempt drawing them. The reason for that is easy: it is often difficult for me to see things literally upstairs, but it is very easy for me to feel how they look. Meaning, I KNOW how they look, intuitively, but I couldn't describe it to you in words or through art. However, if you give me something like an avatar generator, with hundreds of different, premade appearance pieces-- hairstyles and eye colors and things-- I can easily piece together an avatar that looks as close to their appearance as I can get with what I'm given. See?

So this is good. I just did one for Mulberry and I'm trying to find Knife's hairstyle in here. Next will be Razor, then the overload girl, and the little blue-haired boy (they're the clearest).
The problem is, a lot of the "faceless" voices downstairs are just that--faceless! Like the airplane guy, Sherlock, and the Gent (who decided to dress the body this evening, which resulted in me suddenly finding myself wearing grey slacks in a car in 100 degree weather. Sir, you can't wear dress pants all the time). They exist clearly as beings, but they don't have bodies yet. I have no idea if there's anything we can do to help them form them, or not. Typically it just "happens" when they're ready. Maybe that's all that needs to happen here, we'll see.
Speaking of, the red voice guy hasn't manifested yet either. He feels really, really unsure about his appearance. The only thing he seems to have decided on for sure is his hair-- it looks very close to this, I think? very unique-- and the fact that he has ear gauges (he saw horns like this once and immediately wanted them). But I know he's actually having this weird inner conflict over skin tone, of all things? Our entire system has lighter skin tones because that's what the consciousness had available to anchor to (we unfortunately lived in a very racist community as a child). So people don't have real access to darker tones, as that's tied to so much social and psychological stuff that we don't know about, it would be hard to carry it in a "neutral environment" (i.e. there's no culture or genetics here, so skin tone is literally just a different color) without people outside of headspace claiming appropriation or something. I don't know, it's weird.
But the red guy keeps feeling like he wants to have darker skin, FOR that reason? Example: my grandparents were making some very racist comments earlier and HE got angry! I guess because he'd deal with Red, which is survival and safety and life and that stuff, he's said that he feels "obligated" to protect the rights and safety of everyone upstairs, and he hates hearing things like that in the outer life, even if they don't affect us directly. And I KNOW for a fact that a good deal of that feeling is actually thanks to Jeremiah?? Because he actually has a mid-tone skin color, which surprised me at first, and he's been badly abused. And in the outer reality, people who "aren't white" do have a higher risk of being abused, from what statistics I've seen. So when the red guy heard about that, he got furious, because Jeremiah is such a sweetheart-- he spends most of his time protecting the kids downstairs, for heaven's sakes, although he's almost chronically terrified of what lurks in the shadows himself. And I know the red guy really, really wants to help protect him-- and everyone downstairs, I think?-- in return. But he feels torn about what he knows of the outer world, because I guess being Red he's closer to it than anyone else in Central? And that's significantly affecting his appearance manifestation, so he's hesitating.
I wish I knew what to do, but I have no clue; I have no personal knowledge to aid with this. Hm.

Speaking of anchors, I don't know if I want to make Subeta avatars for Jezebel, Jessica, or Christina. I don't want to give them any more anchorage than they've already managed to steal for themselves. Focusing that much on their faces just feels wrong. I don't want to risk it.
Geez. Who would've thought that one day RAZOR would be closer to being "on our side" than they would? Not me, that's for sure.

On a lighter note, I need to mention this-- on the way home from the library today, I forget what provoked it, but Laurie was joking that "Knife doesn't leave the Underground because if he did, he'd start sparkling." I think it was because Knife is very clandestine about his existence yet, and Laurie figured that if he did sparkle (God forbid) it would be the final nail in the coffin for his attempts to stay secret. (Yes, pun intended, I couldn't resist.)
Knife had no idea what we were talking about, but he was getting a little anxious over the possibility of such an inconcealable appearance quirk, which just made the whole thing even funnier. Sorry dude!

All right, Laurie's telling me to get back to work, so I will. See you guys.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (SPINNY) ??? ???

Too freaking late to say I'm sorry now.

Beautiful day today... fantastic time at work, school went by wonderfully, I finally got my acceptance call from college, and all sorts of lovely things...
And then I came home
The stress I pretended was gone hit me all at once
And I ate myself into oblivion.

WHY IN HEAVENS NAME DO I DO THAT?

Sometimes I'm really afraid I'm going to come face to face with my own doughboys
and they're going to look just like me.

I swear I'm my own worst enemy. Always have been and always will be.

Selph was actually crying and screaming at me tonight.
That scared me more than anything.

I'm so freaking scared and stressed on the inside but I'm afraid to face it because then I just want to forget it all. I just want to get the heck over the stars and not have to worry anymore... but I can't.
I was never one to take the easy way out.
I'd rather stay and fight the best I can.

So WHY the FISH am I BLINDING MYSELF with IDIOTIC escapes like this????

Geez! Do something constructive instead.
Write. Draw. Compose. Sing. Muse. Dream. Pray.
ANYTHING besides freaking eating.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Oh and here's another few things for me to abuse the enter key with.

I've been alienating myself from those I love... because I'm so darn afraid of what I'm becoming that I don't want to inflict myself upon them anymore.
I don't want to hurt or offend anybody.

Why do I love the world so fishing much and yet hate myself just the same?

It's not right. It's not right at all.
I should love myself and be happy with who I am like the old days... about 6 years ago or so...

It can't be too late. It's never too late. It can't be.

Am I going emo? Honestly, am I?

Because it would be terribly ironic if I was. Geez.
I'm a frantic-minded maniac with a brain that runs 700mph on a slow day and here I am afraid I'm going 'emo'.
I don't even know what that word means. Honestly!

...I've had the Pac-Man sound effect stuck in my head for three solid days.

wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka

YOU'RE DRIVING ME MAD, SIR

Anyway, um....

Still sick from the eating binge. Dear heavens.
I was doing so well for a while. Instead of eating I was breaking down in tears and hitting rock bottom on a daily basis. Isn't that lovely?
Well, I didn't hate myself as much afterwards, so that's gotta count for something.

Geez just STOP HATING YOURSELF ALREADY. YOU HAVE NO FREAKING REASON TO.
Yes I do. I've been making too many mistakes. Why do I have to make the same mistakes, over and over and over and...
Because you're a freaking idiot. You're a selfish little witch who only thinks of herself and whatever's the quickest distraction at the moment and never how much she's hurting others. Freaking moron.
No. Humans make mistakes. God made me human, and I'm imperfect. We all sin. Even the Pope's a sinner, you realize. It's human fault. We just need to overcome it. I'm sure we will.
Well it sure as hell doesn't look like it. Maybe if you put a little effort into something instead of losing motivation every freaking time you started something--
I am putting effort into it.
Not nearly enough.
Life's just hard right now.
Like hell it is. Think about those poor kids with no parents, no homes, no future. Think you have it hard now?
I mean hard under my circumstances... oh you're right. I'm just complaining. I'm sorry.
You'd better be. Keep your stupid mouth shut before I freaking sew it closed.
Hey, hey, hey... watch your language, honey.
Look who's talking.
I don't swear, dear. Zerg don't swear. I've been saying that for about 7 years now.
And you're still a weirdo.
Weirdness is the closest thing to sanity in this world now. I'm sorry if it offends you, but it's just the way I am.
Guys, let's get back to the point. Jewel, you've got to stop hating yourself.
I don't. I don't hate myself, I'm just upset with the fact that I'm not as perfect as I'd like to be... but I'm pushing myself too hard. Chaos always tells me the same thing; "Don't kill yourself trying to reach perfection. It's not worth it." But perfection is my ideal... although I don't want to go putting myself on a pedestal as a result. I just want to be the best I can be.
You're speaking in paradoxes, y'know.
Maybe. But it's the only way that makes sense to me right now. Sorry.
S'alright. Hey, who's getting the suicidal tendencies then?
Jessica is. She's the one who's always pulling herself down and feeling hopeless.
And hateful. She's always angry with herself.
Yes, and it's starting to rub off on us, on me. That's not good. We've got to either get her out of it or get rid of her, as much as I dislike saying it.
I think she's just a figment of a figment. A manifestation of a manifestation.
Quoting JTHM now, huh?
Yeah, why not? But seriously. She's the screwed-up remnant of a darker side you don't have anymore--
I still have it. I need it gone.
Yes, but that's my point. It's living on through her, like Psycho Doughboy or something. It's poisoning us.
True, true. But I don't want to hurt anyone.
You'll hurt everyone if you don't get that destructive side out of you.
You mean the side of me that murders people in my head? The side that both Johnny and I have to fight?
Yes.
I thought that was you.
Well, I do, but that's besides the point. That's only to keep you under control.
To keep her under control, Laurie. I think you're getting us confused.
Maybe if she wouldn't freaking take over your head so much.
I wish she wouldn't. I really do.
Well, try.
I will. I am trying. Just not hard enough. I've got to find a way to do so.
You sure do. You're getting damn close to killing yourself, Jewel.
Unfortunately. And that's only because of all you guys. No offense, Laurie.
None taken. I know I'm responsible, force of punishment or not.
You're just the severely harsh side of my conscience,
I think.
Yes yes. Exactly. That and the side of you in the mirror that isn't afraid to tell you the darker truth. The truth of the part of you that you need to face because it's killing you. You're killing you. That part.
Uh-huh. Unlike my normal reflection. She's just fun and giddy.
You need that too.
True.
Well, you feeling better about the food?
I am, yes. I don't know about Jess. She's always torn up about one thing or another.
Yeah. Hey, how's Julie treating you? She letting up?
Yes, thank God. I don't hate her or anything, she just doesn't want me to be asexual, I think.
Nah, it's not that. It's just that she's a girl, a normal girl, living in the head of a voluntarily sexless maniac.
Nice description. But you forgot xenophile.
In the extreme sense, yes. You and your aliens, I swear.
Indeed. But hey, you can't blame me, not when you drop the prejudices and see what it's all about; Chaos and I, Selph and I. You know.
Of course. They're around enough. Oh, how's Johnny?
Fantastic. He's still a little edgy around the knives, but I think both he and I are mellowing out a little bit. Not as frantically out of our minds as we were, which is nice.
Yeah... and you both have the same hair.
Oh geez, not really. But it is funny. I mean look at these things.
Irken.
I wish.
Except drop the sugar.
Exactly.
Oh, and your mom's yelling again.
Yes, she is... I think I really should get to bed, dear. Forget about all this junk, remember the morning, hope to do better come tomorrow, right?
That's my girl. Now don't give me any reasons to come after you with an axe, y'hear?
I'll keep that in mind. By the way you've got to drop that habit, hon.
Only after you drop yours.
Touche.

02-09-2008 (oh geez, it's 12 AM!!)

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the spectrum heart cathedral system

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with author:jessica

jess says

122713

071913

too late now