too late now

[prismaticbleed]

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (SPINNY)  ??? ???




Too freaking late to say I'm sorry now.

Beautiful day today... fantastic time at work, school went by wonderfully, I finally got my acceptance call from college, and all sorts of lovely things...
And then I came home
The stress I pretended was gone hit me all at once
And I ate myself into oblivion.

WHY IN HEAVENS NAME DO I DO THAT?


Sometimes I'm really afraid I'm going to come face to face with my own doughboys
and they're going to look just like me.

I swear I'm my own worst enemy. Always have been and always will be.


Selph was actually crying and screaming at me tonight.
That scared me more than anything.


I'm so freaking scared and stressed on the inside but I'm afraid to face it because then I just want to forget it all. I just want to get the heck over the stars and not have to worry anymore... but I can't.
I was never one to take the easy way out.
I'd rather stay and fight the best I can.

So WHY the FISH am I BLINDING MYSELF with IDIOTIC escapes like this????

Geez! Do something constructive instead.
Write. Draw. Compose. Sing. Muse. Dream. Pray.
ANYTHING besides freaking eating.


I don't know what's wrong with me.


Oh and here's another few things for me to abuse the enter key with.


I've been alienating myself from those I love... because I'm so darn afraid of what I'm becoming that I don't want to inflict myself upon them anymore.
I don't want to hurt or offend anybody.

Why do I love the world so fishing much and yet hate myself just the same?

It's not right. It's not right at all.
I should love myself and be happy with who I am like the old days... about 6 years ago or so...

It can't be too late. It's never too late. It can't be.


Am I going emo? Honestly, am I?

Because it would be terribly ironic if I was. Geez.
I'm a frantic-minded maniac with a brain that runs 700mph on a slow day and here I am afraid I'm going 'emo'.
I don't even know what that word means. Honestly!


...I've had the Pac-Man sound effect stuck in my head for three solid days.

wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka

YOU'RE DRIVING ME MAD, SIR


Anyway, um....


Still sick from the eating binge. Dear heavens.
I was doing so well for a while. Instead of eating I was breaking down in tears and hitting rock bottom on a daily basis. Isn't that lovely?
Well, I didn't hate myself as much afterwards, so that's gotta count for something.

 

Geez just STOP HATING YOURSELF ALREADY. YOU HAVE NO FREAKING REASON TO.
Yes I do. I've been making too many mistakes. Why do I have to make the same mistakes, over and over and over and...
Because you're a freaking idiot. You're a selfish little witch who only thinks of herself and whatever's the quickest distraction at the moment and never how much she's hurting others. Freaking moron.
No. Humans make mistakes. God made me human, and I'm imperfect. We all sin. Even the Pope's a sinner, you realize. It's human fault. We just need to overcome it. I'm sure we will.
Well it sure as hell doesn't look like it. Maybe if you put a little effort into something instead of losing motivation every freaking time you started something--
I am putting effort into it.
Not nearly enough.
Life's just hard right now.
Like hell it is. Think about those poor kids with no parents, no homes, no future. Think you have it hard now?
I mean hard under my circumstances... oh you're right. I'm just complaining. I'm sorry.
You'd better be. Keep your stupid mouth shut before I freaking sew it closed.
Hey, hey, hey... watch your language, honey.
Look who's talking.
I don't swear, dear. Zerg don't swear. I've been saying that for about 7 years now.
And you're still a weirdo.
Weirdness is the closest thing to sanity in this world now. I'm sorry if it offends you, but it's just the way I am.
Guys, let's get back to the point. Jewel, you've got to stop hating yourself.
I don't. I don't hate myself, I'm just upset with the fact that I'm not as perfect as I'd like to be... but I'm pushing myself too hard. Chaos always tells me the same thing; "Don't kill yourself trying to reach perfection. It's not worth it." But perfection is my ideal... although I don't want to go putting myself on a pedestal as a result. I just want to be the best I can be.
You're speaking in paradoxes, y'know.
Maybe. But it's the only way that makes sense to me right now. Sorry.
S'alright. Hey, who's getting the suicidal tendencies then?
Jessica is. She's the one who's always pulling herself down and feeling hopeless.
And hateful. She's always angry with herself.
Yes, and it's starting to rub off on us, on me. That's not good. We've got to either get her out of it or get rid of her, as much as I dislike saying it.
I think she's just a figment of a figment. A manifestation of a manifestation.
Quoting JTHM now, huh?
Yeah, why not? But seriously. She's the screwed-up remnant of a darker side you don't have anymore--
I still have it. I need it gone.
Yes, but that's my point. It's living on through her, like Psycho Doughboy or something. It's poisoning us.
True, true. But I don't want to hurt anyone.
You'll hurt everyone if you don't get that destructive side out of you.
You mean the side of me that murders people in my head? The side that both Johnny and I have to fight?
Yes.
I thought that was you.
Well, I do, but that's besides the point. That's only to keep you under control.
To keep her under control, Laurie. I think you're getting us confused.
Maybe if she wouldn't freaking take over your head so much.
I wish she wouldn't. I really do.
Well, try.
I will. I am trying. Just not hard enough. I've got to find a way to do so.
You sure do. You're getting damn close to killing yourself, Jewel.
Unfortunately. And that's only because of all you guys. No offense, Laurie.
None taken. I know I'm responsible, force of punishment or not.
You're just the severely harsh side of my conscience,
I think.
Yes yes. Exactly. That and the side of you in the mirror that isn't afraid to tell you the darker truth. The truth of the part of you that you need to face because it's killing you. You're killing you. That part.
Uh-huh. Unlike my normal reflection. She's just fun and giddy.
You need that too.
True.
Well, you feeling better about the food?
I am, yes. I don't know about Jess. She's always torn up about one thing or another.
Yeah. Hey, how's Julie treating you? She letting up?
Yes, thank God. I don't hate her or anything, she just doesn't want me to be asexual, I think.
Nah, it's not that. It's just that she's a girl, a normal girl, living in the head of a voluntarily sexless maniac.
Nice description. But you forgot xenophile.
In the extreme sense, yes. You and your aliens, I swear.
Indeed. But hey, you can't blame me, not when you drop the prejudices and see what it's all about; Chaos and I, Selph and I. You know.
Of course. They're around enough. Oh, how's Johnny?
Fantastic. He's still a little edgy around the knives, but I think both he and I are mellowing out a little bit. Not as frantically out of our minds as we were, which is nice.
Yeah... and you both have the same hair.
Oh geez, not really. But it is funny. I mean look at these things.
Irken.
I wish.
Except drop the sugar.
Exactly.
Oh, and your mom's yelling again.
Yes, she is... I think I really should get to bed, dear. Forget about all this junk, remember the morning, hope to do better come tomorrow, right?
That's my girl. Now don't give me any reasons to come after you with an axe, y'hear?
I'll keep that in mind. By the way you've got to drop that habit, hon.
Only after you drop yours.
Touche.





02-09-2008 (oh geez, it's 12 AM!!)