bomb threats

[prismaticbleed]

Screw getting a girlfriend; right now I'd probably be happier if I never saw another biological female for the rest of my freaking life.

Last night I was sent to hell.

Let's start at the beginning...
Yesterday, after I finished my Jayce-rant entry, Mel went into some sort of Laurie-state with (I assume) Parker: her own personal schadenfreudic headvoice, so to speak. Of course I was still stuck in this awfully numb state during it, so I had no idea what do do, let alone the means to do so.
Even better? I lost my only connection to Jena. Hello mental trauma.
I can't even remember yesterday afternoon; I won't even try at this point. My single recollection of the evening is what I did around 12AM, when everyone else was asleep. Basically, I tried to 'turn off' this numb state. Come on, I'm dead sick of it already... I had to do something.
Long story short, I ended up trying several different methods before my sleep-deprived mind thought 'heck with it' and just turned on iTunes for about an hour. Choral music does wonders for my psyche, God knows why. Regardless that helped me disassociate from physical reality for a few blessed minutes.
After that, though, I fell back into my Jayce-state. I've been going into that mindset very often lately... this form I'm trapped in is causing me so much trouble that I can't help but mentally impose a more beneficial perception upon myself. So I opened up Wavepad and began tweaking every female vocalist down to 85% of their original pitch, haha. Forgive me, but that is killer stress relief. I did that for a while, messing with Miriam Stockley and Kim Jensen, before realizing that I was unconsciously looking for a pitch-warp that matched Jayce's voice. "Well hey," I thought, "I have that one file of myself singing on here... let's see how that works."
86% pitch drop = perfect fit.
I freaking have Jayce's voice.
I think I cried, haha. Needless to say, I transcended that numbness for a good ten minutes around 1AM, brought down only by the sick realization that I still had a long way to go before I could achieve that sort of happiness with myself. So I closed up Apollo and resigned myself to sleep.

God forgive me, but I swear I would rather have stayed awake for the next month.

I don't remember much of what my nightmare was, and thank God for that because I've been trying desperately to purge it from my mind since I woke up around 3PM (no kidding). I spend a good 3 hours reading goats books in the kitchen to get my mind caught up in something else (that comic is amazing), but there are still some sickeningly vivid fragments left in my mind, no matter how badly I wish they were gone.
For that reason, I won't even dare describe what I experienced last night out of fear that it'll 'come back to me' upon doing so. I'll simply mention that it involved a lot of death, darkness, and damnation. The scariest part is that I was in a lucid state the whole time, to the point where I couldn't possibly distinguish my mental hell from 'actual' reality. Heck, after waking up I swear that nightmare had been more real than the world I woke up in.

Anyway, I woke up more shaken than I've been in years. That's when I retreated into the kitchen with a metaphysical comic book, and that's pretty much how my day has gone.
In all seriousness, though, I have no idea what to do about this. That nightmare was so terribly traumatic, I... geez, I swear I am this close to pulling an all-nighter this evening. See if the local library has a copy of JTHM and call it a day.

I don't know what to do.
Yeah, I haven't been feeling anything other than this dull empty ache between my ribs, but according to Mel I've been emitting such a negative energy signature that it's making her physically ill.
That terrifies me. On a daily basis I put a huge amount of effort into keeping up a positive 'aura,' so to speak, but in this state I can't even get my mind to form coherent thoughts for heaven's sake. Last night I couldn't get it to think at all, let alone feel anything save abject paranoid terror (in the mental sense, I guess) at the fact that I was in a car. Don't ask me where that came from, it just did.
Oh yeah... and halfway through that ordeal, I pretty much 'zoned out' on the drive up. Guess who decided it was her time to take matters into her own hands? Yep, my dear superego, Laurie.
Contrary to what you may be expecting, though, we didn't have another Wednesday on our hands. Oh, she tried it, even to the point where I was physically jolting and flinching because of it, but despite my hideously mangled mental state, I managed to choke out that I couldn't take her doing that. She took one hard look at me and spat out that she wasn't surprised; that I had been rapidly degenerating lately and if I didn't shape up fast I'd be doing more than shipping out... I'd literally unravel.
I hadn't put much thought into this situation before her interception, but that statement on her part turned a light on in this dusty mind of mine.
Ever since I stepped off the plane in Las Vegas, something weird has been happening to me, and I'll tell you exactly what it is and why.
I had just traveled over 2000 miles away from the place where I was born and raised, for the sole reason of seeing the two people who supposedly cared for me most in this world. Upon meeting them and spending the next week with them, I didn't notice the less positive switch. See, I no longer had to worry about the stressful turmoil of my distant 'home.' That lever had been switched off, and another had been switched on. I was now torn between being myself and being a person who could sync with Mel and Q without causing severe problems. That brought up the whole 'keeping them amused' problem (that's in my IJ) and the secondary issue of tweaking my personality to keep from possibly offending or confusing anyone too much. Not much of a change from my home life after all, sadly. But I didn't realize it. I kept myself from realizing it. It was sick.
The biggest blow was Girls' Camp, I think (well, besides Wednesday night, but that ties in with the above motivators). I would've been fine with it if it hadn't incorporated two things that unfailingly screw up my sense of self every time I come in contact with them... meaningless 'entertainment,' and forcing myself to be seen as a female. God only knows how much damage I unknowingly took from that.
It wasn't until Friday afternoon that I finally came to terms with just how deeply this sick numbness had managed to force itself into my bones. Now, on what I think is a Tuesday (my sense of time has been shot in the face lately), I can't even get myself to feel anything more than a dim sense of sick desperation at the monotony I'm still unfortunately trapped in.
I don't want to leave Utah because the two people that brought me here want me to stay, but I also don't want to stay because of what I'm causing them... and what they're causing me.
God, you've really got me in a bizarre situation now, don't you? Man oh man.
Gold in the fire, that's what I'm crossing my fingers for. This too shall pass.
But how long is it going to take? When I finally get through this, what's going to be left of me? How badly will I be scarred? How far gone will I be?
I don't know what the ultimate outcome of all this will be, but you know... the saddest part is that I ironically have every single coping mechanism that I will ever need, and yet I cannot access them in my current state.
Even sleep, my single static escape, has turned into a conduit for divine punishment, forcing me into deeper contrition every time I wake up trying to burn the memory of the past 8 hours out of my eyes.
I don't even feel 'real' anymore. I think that may be a major part of this numbness.

People keep trying to turn off my pain addiction. I've finally come to the realization that, despite what may seem the obvious truth, 'saving me' from this pain is a very, very bad thing.
Wednesday night didn't just happen because I was causing an undue amount of suffering for the ones around me, but also because Laurie and I had both gone so long out of our elements that we had both pretty much lost it. In a sick sort of way, I really miss that hour of torture, because it's the only actual 'feeling' I can remember having in the past two weeks.
I have to laugh... I'm sorely tempted to just wander out into SLC and pick a fight with the nastiest person I see on the street, just for the sake of getting a wicked right hook to my face or something. Just so I can feel some sort of physical sensation other than this hazy, glued-together awareness of existence and the awful chills I get when I wake up.
I've been dreaming of blood and pain and terror every single night since my plane landed. No exceptions. I couldn't find the answer for it before, but really, it's just a sad sort of cry for help.
I haven't told her. It would hurt her too much, to know that I secretly dread sleeping in her room. And so I lie to everyone, myself included. How many sins has this caused?
It's sick how no one sees any of that. It's sick how no one else wants anything but sunshine.

I'm really messed up, aren't I?

I still don't know what to do right now.
I want to switch off this negative vibe that I'm giving off... I want to feel something other than numbness. I want the face in the mirror to match the one I see myself with, I want to make something out of my future, I want to finally live in a life that matches what I've been so desperately searching for all my life.
I want to know why every single entry I write always ends in the same way... with a recollection of my blessings, a dread acknowledgment of my trials, and a sad sort of hope for a way out.

I truly am sorry, but I'm starting to get a very frightening sort of feeling right now, and if I don't get myself away from this computer ASAP, I'll likely have a mental breakdown/shutdown. I can't expose myself to computers for very long or freaky stuff starts happening to me.

Then again, I'm kind of used to that sort of stuff by now.





Well I'm scared of my reflection
Is it mine or is it yours?
And I swear I hear the knocking
But there's no one at the door

Don't think I'm losing my perspective
'Cause I know one thing for sure
They've been watching, they've been listening
Every whisper, every word

Your sudden movements, sudden movements
Gonna give us all away
No sudden movements, sudden movements
Or they'll blow us all away

Dare I find my information
Who's the black sheep of the herd?
I am the guardian of angels
And they'll get what they deserve

So lock your children in the basement
Keep a rifle by the door
Don't be afraid of my intentions
'Cause I'm more afraid of yours

Your sudden movements, sudden movements
Gonna give us all away
No sudden movements, sudden movements
Or they'll blow us all away