september 19th

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

today was one of those days that "feels like a short film."
stream of consciousness notes so i don't forget

got up early. tired, cold. almost no recall of that time period.

then, i remember sitting on the hood of our car, where my grandmother goes to get her hair cut on fridays, and i was reading dune. it was sunny out and the wind was rattling the aspens like paper. a butterfly flew by me and a grasshopper did too. there was this little iridescent bug that kept landing on the edges of my book. it was really pretty.
then i reached page 331 and everything was about death and life. i was deeply moved by it. it taught me a lot, it made me think. spoilers: up until this scene, jamis had been presented as rash, angry, harsh. then this scene, his funeral, had his tribe telling of his life, all the good he did, why they considered him a friend. it offered glimpses into this man's life, an honorable, brave, and kind man we would never get to know in such a way. it was humbling, and eye-opening. i felt a lot like paul.
one line stood out in particular. "the meeting between ignorance and knowledge, between brutality and culture-- it begins in the dignity with which we treat our dead." that struck me because i realized, i don't always do that? i treat death too lightly, too apathetically. maybe i'm too empty lately. but i see a death, and shrug, and move on. i don't quite understand the fuss and ritual and ceremony attached to death. is that bad? all i know is that this funeral scene struck a chord with me, and that quote. even if i didn't understand funerals, that recognition of his blessed existence was meaningful enough for me. if that is what it is to respect the dead, i shall do it, always.
it all made me think very much of josephina and laurie. both deal the most strongly with death in our System, in different ways. both have great integrity, determination, and respect. both treasure life and protect it. and both see death the same way, as a transition, as something to be venerated. but both handle aspects of death itself in different ways. josephina is darker than laurie in that respect, now. laurie carries much of the pain of it, the knives. jo carries the scythe, and he carries bells. either way it was deeply intriguing, really an inspiring read

went home. i ran a bit, then assumedly ate

exercises while reading dune again. there was a lot of noise from the family as soon as i started, which was frustrating, but i tried to shift my focus away from that consciously. i think i subconsciously believe "i am not allowed to enjoy things in peace" which is why the house will be dead quiet until i try to read, or eat, or the like. and i get frustrated because it's not what i really want. i've been realizing that lately and trying to fix that mindset.

ate again at 6, 7. better effort.

exercise (walking) at 9? mum put pumpkin ceramic lights on the piano so i lit two of them, one of them has memory-roots in childhood (where there is no vision) so it felt odd, to see it there, and know it was older than me technically. but there was a feeling of great excited joy behind it, whatever is tied to october, which was nice.

had the ipod on for the first time in weeks, to walk. i felt unusually tired after a while so i sat down, SYNCHRONICITY happened.
visions for most. unfortunately i was 80% 'floating' minded for it, and jayce/ jewel/ jess kept switching in and out, so there is little concrete memory. but i/we saw lots of headspace people. here are notes.
song lineup went like this:
"alone together" (daley) just sat and listened to this with chaos. it was tough at first, in light of events lately, but we had to be honest. kind of set the tone for everything after.
"voiceless screaming" (x japan). markus and ryman, markus singing? unusual, haven't seen him in ages, didn't expect this. locked solid into visuals though, no blurriness.
"feeling fine" (l'arc-en-ciel). chaos. he used to sing this one and others back in high school
"the little i saw of cuba" (frost*) meditated, just sank into it
"saline" (frost*) ryman sang. he usually does for this one
"i love you in the open sea" (rifle recoil) chaos. obviously. very moving to hear this one again
"maybe i'm just tired" (as tall as lions) markus again. this one had an emotional impact i remember
"genesis (alternate ending)" (forgive durden) i remember at the end, they said "see you in the mirror" and that shocked me, because jayce had been out at the time. i forgot that was part of the words
there were several other songs here, like "tears" (x japan) and "this love" (guns & roses) but really i just sank into them. i needed to

then,
"there'll never be goodbye" (minako obata).
xenophon showed up, recognized the song from metropolis, "that one sad movie" with tima that she remembers.
jay fronted while she spoke to him, out of sincere concern, it was a very emotional conversation.
at one point jay took her face in his hands to console her, but paused, began to laugh and cry. "i've never actually felt your face before." that was powerfully stored in the heart, actually reaching out to touch this creature that called him "father," never remembering having done so in his life.

"ashes of dreams (nuadhaich)" from NIER came on, we listened to that together too. she says, i have to beat the game sometime soon too.

then "song of rebirth" from klonoa started playing
she smiled at me, said she was going to sing it, she did.
cz ran in almost immediately, in shock, "xennie is singing?" sat down next to me, tearing up. i did too. we just listened, deeply moved.

that's all i remember in linear time BUT FIRST
before jay showed up with xenophon, while we were listening to the "several other songs," there was a lot of old memory assessment going on with jayce and the old core-fragments?
mostly looking at MU, jayce's house, slc 2012. checking visual map data, walking through old memories, trying to "feel" both how and who we were at the time.
also checking for differences between spinny/ cannon/ jayce/ eros/ j and any possible others
first, there are HUGE gaps in 2010 and 2012, shocking to see.

after looking at all these memories, our self-space felt "fluffy," huge and heavy. like we could not move, it was too dense like marshmallow.
we asked for those memories to therefore be blessed and released. it abated soon after that

cz says he feels split too, memory problems between himself and "perfect" (2003-9??)

last, notes on day's "main fronters"
(not sure what these mean fully as not sure who wrote them)

JEWEL==> trying to talk to laurie, said it felt weird to acknowledge headspace. super happy as always, DW inspired
KYANOS==> spoke to minty and the archivists apparently. IS STILL 14. also still powerful fronter, no dissonance.
JESSE==> cut off from headspace? autumn vibe. red hair and freckles. feels like a preteen, confused to his existence
JESSICA==> "choco," SPICE
JAYCE==> MASSIVE body insight! helped jess indirectly. dune ref


saw 11:11, felt "alive" again as a whole