one, zero

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Another personal update because today is December 23rd and there have been too many depressing updates here lately.

Let's try not to focus on that, okay? We give life to the realities we focus on, so really, we should acknowledge and work on this stuff but let's not get stuck there.

I guess I'm trying a little too hard to be optimistic. Today's technically CZ and I's 8th anniversary (10 years since we met), and... I keep slipping back into automatic mode. Sorry about this.

Most of those memories are not mine. The vast majority of those memories are not mine.
Chaos met the second Jewel in late 2003, then Spinny took over somewhere around 2007, Cannon jumped in around 2008, Jayce showed up in 2010, and then the first male Jewel appeared in 2011... you see how convoluted this is. Yes, there is an inner bloodline. Yes, there is a "core" we all hold, but it's not a person, it's a thing. And that core holds no memories either, it's not tied to that at all.
The "J" that was immediately before me, the guy that was around from 2011-2012, committed suicide with the Scratch this February. That's a fact. Problem is, he took most of his memories with him, in his attempt to literally erase the entire past ten years of our shared life.
So you can see why this is a new problem. Yes, moving between timelines is a thing that happens. And no, we're not tied to that timeline anymore. But... what does that mean, as far as interpersonal relationships go?

It's odd. For a while I honestly didn't know who Chaos was. Then I got slammed with a lot of memory anchors and stuff started resonating, but that was bizarre because even though I was now directly aware of certain truths and events, I still didn't get any first-person memories. None. I guess I'm not supposed to.
It's just weird, because... even if my brain doesn't have any attachments to him, my heart still knows him, and the dissonance is rather upsetting to be honest. I love him, but it's not anything like what he had with the people before me? I'm not a romantic person, for one. I'm not his daughter's father, although I do not mind being her stepfather (which I am considered in headspace) because she really is a great kid. But she's not mine. And the fact that she did belong to the guy who came before me, who is now dead, is just... heartbreaking, when I consider how that might be affecting Chaos now.
I can't be those people. I can't be what they were to him now. I scare myself because I keep triggering global fear reactions in myself, and fragmenting upstairs, bleeding into remnants of past cores, but everyone knows that it's falsified and no one is actually there. They drag me back, and then I'm at a loss.
Yes, I love Chaos. I do. But it's the sort of love I have for the universe? It's that childlike innocent affection, the sort of thing you have towards a best friend, or a snowfall. It's depersonalized in a way. It's literally just an emanation of the joy of existence.
I don't know how to do person-to-person love yet. Something in me slips badly when I try, there are too many demons tied to that somehow. But I try anyway. Often it's dangerous, because I tend to slip out of fronting. Maybe I should let that happen, and then come back separate, so we can deal with whoever was triggered? We've done it before, just not in such contexts. It's difficult for things to stay coherent when really badly damaged people appear, because they tend to anchor into Black partly and that destroys structure when it's rabid like that. The Tar can rip apart headspace if it wanted, but it's random, uncontrolled. It breaks things just by being there. The Plague dismantles things intentionally. I think that's what got the previous J.
Either way that's off-topic.

Today is the 8th anniversary of a love that was promised to endure sickness and health, good times and bad. And against all odds it has. It's still here. The problem is, I'm not the girl who made the first promise, nor the boy who renewed it, nor the people inbetween who loyally carried it as well.
I don't want to just do this as an obligation. That's not truth.
Ironically I can't. As I said, I do love him, but... I don't know, maybe the expression of that was supposed to change with me?
Could be. The entire previous mindset around the Pink color has changed, as the original conception of it was completely incorrect.

I'm thinking too much.
Chaos wants to talk to me, and possibly Infi too. I don't know why I avoided speaking with them until now. I'm not afraid to. Some part of me just figured "it's not important." But it's important to them.
I've been losing internal connections lately, and that's scary. It's hard to see or hear or feel people. Why is that? Are we fading? Is the System dying?
I don't know. I don't know if we can survive into the new year but these people are lovely and I would be sad to see them fade into nonexistence. I think. Emotions are weird. They shouldn't be.

Either way, this blockage needs to go. Time to get some internal walls torn down.

-Jay