071813

[prismaticbleed]

 

(not j)

I want to abandon everything so badly.

I was looking through some old pages of my old "friends," the ones from when spinningcannon was on dA, and it's been a sickening jolt of sorts. Not only do I have nothing in common with these people, I don't think we ever actually spoke? Who are these people?
I feel trapped by this tangled web my past selves have left in their wake, and I want to leave it, more than anything else right now.
I wonder if I can do that? Just... abandon all of this. Even if it's just online.
Destroy everything in my head, reset all of my work. Find a new name, and demolish everything else. Dead empty.
Offline it's harder. I'm stuck with one body right now. One name and face that aren't even mine. Sure, we're working to change that, but... there's that we're again. There's no one else here. Stop it.
"People don't really want to die, they just want to start living," they say.
Honestly though the new life thing would be so tiring. I think wanting to abandon it is really me wanting to do that, and NOT start over. But death is tiring too.
I have this feeling that if I die, I'll have to do this all over again. And next time, it'll be so much worse, for all the mistakes I've made.
I'm so terrified that, whoever would live my life in the next, would end up being... sexual or something. It's horrifying, to think that I'd reset like that if I died. Does that happen?
I really don't understand a lot of what's out there "spiritually" yet. All these people talking about sex left and right, I can't run from it. Have I ever told you how TIRED I am of that? I've been haunted by that horrible pinkstained vice for YEARS, for most of my entire life. It's in the media, it's in my religion, it's in my house, it used to be in my head. Left and right, it was eviscerating me. It still is. I cannot run from that horrible thing. And in this world it's actually NEEDED???!? Like people actually have to do that??? That scares me to death. I don't want to think about it, it makes me scared and my head hurts. People can't run from that here, but they don't care!! Why??? Doesn't that horrify you, to be stuck with skin and programming for such an awful thing, when elsewhere it's not even real??

And then mental illnesses. Like the one I had. But that's better now.
I was talking to some spiritual people and they did say that mental illness is all false. It's not true, it's not real.
Like even dyslexia, and bipolar disorder, and depression, even the other people in my head thing. All of that is just the ego messing with our heads. It's not real! So they told me to let go and stop holding on to the old past things. So I did and now everything is gone.
Did you know saying you're a victim, or that you're offended, is a lower vibration thing? So is being proud or feeling better than others. So I need to be careful and stay away from both. I can't have a self anymore, ESPECIALLY not several selves, because that's not what spiritual beings do. They don't have "identities" or selves. But here I've been so used to doing that. I'm glad it's going away now.
It's just the stupid scary sex thing. I don't know what that is, but it's horrible, and I can't understand why these people won't stop talking about it. They can't be wrong, they are God, they can't be lying to me. It's impossible. So it must be some part of me that's horrible yet, and egotistic, and victimized and selfish and proud. That's what's pretending to be afraid and angry and scared of sex. Something is wrong with me that I can't like it, and that it horrifies me. Something is wrong with me, they were right. So I'm trying to force myself to fix it but it's not working yet, things are getting much worse? I mustn't be strong enough spiritually yet. If it's "not working" and I'm feeling worse that's my ego getting in the way. I have to surrender to what they tell me to do, that's how it works. If I just did that in the first place, long long long time ago, none of this would have happened. I guess it's my fault! I'll keep trying.
It's weird how so many of the things we think are "problems" are really just our minds playing games with us. We think we're angry or hurt or afraid or offended but it's just ego reaction. None of that is real!

but theres no passion no enthusiasm no joy no excitement for some of us
SHUT UP YOU'RE NOT REAL

Sorry about that! Just don't listen to them. The voices will all go away soon. It's okay.