y

[prismaticbleed]

One thing I've realized lately is that I'm not sure who you are.
It's a strange feeling, because I KNOW that we were rather close at one time? I know we talked a lot. I know you talked TO LAURIE for heavens sakes, a few times even, all in a non-triggered environment. That's a flat guarantee that you meant a lot to us.
But I don't remember. I want to know why.


Lately, "my" lack of memory has been a surreal fact nagging at the back of my mind. So much that we apparently once valued, or considered a part of daily life, or even of our identity is just... gone. That, or it's totally alien now, totally foreign.



I'm aware that someone sat up on the roof with you once. I'm aware that someone sat in the attic with you there afterwards. But I don't know who that was.
I'm aware that we went to the one canyon with you, there was a photo of us at the top of some rocky cliff, up near some trees. I don't remember being there, I don't remember climbing. Q took photos of you and me sitting by the water, with sketchbooks and poetry. I don't remember that at all either.
I'm aware that we went hiking with you, and Q, and Xilats. I know it was a fantastic day and I'm aware that we enjoyed it immensely. I know we talked to Xilats constantly. But I don't remember being there at all. At all.

I'm sorry. I have no idea "who" you knew, when "we" were with you, back then. All I have is secondhand data, like a videotape or a photo album. I've looked at it enough to remember the looking, but I wasn't there. Everything is third person, or fuzzy and vague, like a video game first-person feeling. I'm not actually in the screen, so to speak.


But I do remember some things. Not many, but some.


I remember that one camp we went to, very dimly, just location snapshots.
I remember sitting on the floor in your basement, watching something, either 10th Kingdom or a Ghibli movie.
I remember a snapshot of a family dinner in your kitchen, I was reading a sci-fi book at the time.
I remember watching Up in your living room, just a flicker. But I know we watched it.
I remember the vibe of your family's house, vaguely, but solid enough around the edges to feel like a dream I had once.
I remember the smell of your room, perfectly somehow.
I remember waking up one morning, after I had that Reshiram dream, and just looking about at it-- the books, the clothes, the door. It's not a clear memory, but it's the clearest one I have from then.
I remember hugging you in front of the balcony windows the day we left in 2012, and feeling oddly sad, because I hadn't gotten to know you, and I then knew I'd never get the chance to again.

I don't remember your voice. I don't remember your face.
I've seen so many people like you since you left, everything is jumbled.
I get scared sometimes. Did I ever know you at all?
There are still feeble efforts to talk between us, once in a blue moon. I'm never sure how to respond.
This can't be fixed, I don't think it should, I'm not who we were then, I don't KNOW who we were then....
...I don't know you.
But they do. She does. He does. You have friends and family and you are happy. Keep that. You really, really don't need me.

Everything from the timeline in which we knew you is a blur, a cloud, a photo from a whole different lifetime.
But it happened. Somewhere, sometime, it happened, to someone we don't know anymore.
And you knew us. You knew us. No matter how we slice it, you knew us, however dimly. We existed around you, and that is enough.

I keep feeling there's something I need to do about this but it makes no sense. I don't understand and it hurts, it pulls at me and makes my eyes tear up.
I don't WANT to be who we were when we knew you, okay? I was TOXIC back then. Our life, our situation, was TOXIC back then!
I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK.
I don't want to put that mask on again. Ever. I don't EVER want to be who we were back then, ever again.
That's why this hurts. THAT'S who you knew. That's who you loved, so you say.
I don't know who that person was and I do not want to know because I don't want them coming back.

I'm sorry. I owe you an apology for things I can't remember and don't understand. I've tried so many times and it never feels right.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say here anymore. I'm sorry.


I remember just enough of our distant, dreamlike time with you, for it to be something interesting and significant.
But I've forgotten reams more.
What I have are paper fragments, when the whole book has been burnt.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not being who you met, and befriended, and knew.
I'm sorry that I cannot and should not ever be that person again.
I'm sorry that I don't even know WHO that person was.
I'm sorry that I've forgotten virtually all of it.
I'm sorry that I've forgotten virtually all of you.
I'm sorry that I have no idea what we had, and I cannot rebuild it if you wanted to.



And yet we remember holding you that night you were shaking in your sleep.
Someone loved you then and we would never deny that feeling, no matter how distant or old.

That's what hurts the most about this.
I wish that person had his/her own life so that they could be with you.
But you've changed now, too. You're no longer that person you were 5 years ago, as far as we know.
And we're time-locked. That kid is stuck in that memory for all time, and that's what aches.


I'm sorry. I'm really really confused.

Thank you for allowing us to have the memories we have, from our time with you.

I just don't think it's enough to go on anymore.