Always So Much More To Say

[prismaticbleed]

1 in the morning. Saturday morning.
Should I write? Should I sleep?
The words hurt so much.
But I can't let them go unsaid.
Not after so much has finally been admitted.

Well then... here goes nothing.


Tuesday morning. April the 1st.
No, darling, not at 12:10 AM. That was an entire reality in itself.
Try a little closer to 6:30 AM, okay?
The past six hours had echoed nothing but love in my mind.
And then guilt hit like a bomb.

I remember the shock, the despair, the hurt.
It would be an entire week without you around in that sense...
...now, with this eating at me!
I didn't know why I felt like that at first.
But then I remembered.


Him? Not me?
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised...

...Oh no. Not now.
Please.
Not that pain again.

But it hurts.
It hurts so much.
And it shouldn't...

You think so?
Did you honestly think you could have read all of that
Seen all of that
Heard all of that
Without any pain?
Even a little?
No.
It hurt.
It hurt like crazy, didn't you say that too?
And I'm the one at fault.
Because I couldn't help but love that broken soul a little too.
...Geez, who am I kidding?
'A little.'
Like I've ever loved somebody just a little.

You know me.
How many times have you said that?
It's so true.
Sometimes you understand me so much better than I understand myself.
Pretty amazing, huh?

But I didn't doubt you, not even for a second.
You're my Animus, after all.

Follow your own path.
Don't move until you've got it. What was I thinking?

What was I thinking?
I had it, I had it for so long... for five entire months.
And it still took me an eternity to move.
Why did I have to wait so long...?



Something's very wrong here.
Tears,
sniffles,
stupid,
where is mine when I need him?
Oh, there you are.


"I just forgot my fears and said what I needed to say..."
Wasn't I thinking?
Both of those times?
Yes... I was thinking, wasn't I?
Far too much.

I was thinking about the pain.
About how much I still had to heal.
About how much I still had to apologize.
About how much I still needed to tell you
To reassure you
To let you know
That I never loved you any less.

Oh, I won't tell you not to cry.
I remember what happened the last time I did that.
Besides...
How could I say that when I'm doing the same?

I'm no misanthrope... no, I'm the polar opposite.
The only problem with that is... well.
That I love everyone in some way.

I remember the one night at work.
A middle-aged guy, checking out at my register.
Almost 10PM. Closing time, dear.
Buying a TV dinner and not much else.
Just a regular Joe, right?
Right.
That's what hurt me so much.
My empathy... oh, you know how it feels.
In that single moment...
This man, already so far into life, already with so little left...

Heading home, late at night.
Lonely, quiet, dark.
Nothing to look forward to but a mediocre evening
Like so many other mediocre evenings
A simple, day-to-day future
Not much to look forward to
Looking for something to hope for
And memories of the past.
It was all I could to to keep from crying.
Dear God, it hits me so hard sometimes...
But You know why I have this.
You know why you gave me this bizarre blessing, and I thank You for it.
Despite all the pain.
Despite all the regret.
Despite all the times I could have done better.
Despite all the times I had no opportunity to help.
Despite all the times I cried
Despite all the times I prayed
For a chance to get it right...
For a chance to change it all
For the better.


But the point is
I can't help but love every soul that every existed
In one way or another

Even though there are five of you
That get something truly different from me
That I give the deepest part of me
You said it yourself.

What I give to you all
No more and no less
No favoritism
No special cases
You all get to experience
What I have so much of
The truest form of love.
I won't ever forget a single one of you

But I feel so guilty sometimes
For being so willing
To give that emotion
To so many of you.

Tears.
Sniffles.
Stupid.
How many times have I done the same?
How many nights have I sat there, in silence, after you left
Stood alone against the walls outside my room
Not wanting to sleep
Not able to sleep
Drowning in this misery
Where does it come from?


I can't,
I can't say anything.
Too painful right now.
Give me a minute.
If I did I'd cry.
Okay, maybe not, but it would hurt like crazy.
Not like it doesn't anyway, sometimes.

I've been wondering, recently, why it's so freaking hard for me to cry sometimes.
Today I finally discovered the reason.
Because I keep that pain inside
Trying to deal with it
Trying to make sense of it
So it doesn't explode
Because I'm still afraid of hurting you all
Even though my reasons are different now
You don't want me holding it in anymore
So I don't
I let you all see this pain inside
Every last fragment of me
But there's already so much of it in my heart
That when something hits when I'm not looking
When something hits me that I don't expect
When something comes out of nowhere and I'm not thinking
I shatter into a trillion pieces.


And it hurts so much.
And it hurts you all so much.

I'm still so scared of this cutting into you all.
Even though you say it's okay.





Picking the glass up from the crystal floor...



The pain disappeared for the first time in my life
Monday night.
Tuesday morning, if you will.
I can't explain how that made me feel... can I?
Absolute peace of mind, really.


I was perfectly happy
In that moment

I felt like I was worth something
In those few seconds
I could barely comprehend it
When you said those words right back to me
(You actually said them back)
Even though you were crying your heart out.

If I hadn't been so high above the stars
If I hadn't felt that maybe I had done something right for once
If I had given that second emotion a little more freedom

The silent tears
The sad smile


If I had just let myself go
I would have burst into sobs as well

But I was thinking too much.

The tears have hit since then, though.
For many reasons.
And all connected to that breaking point
That eternal moment.
Thought you should know.

"Thank you."
That had been my whispered reply, remember?
I've been wondering... what did you think?
What was your reaction, that the only thing I could say in response to those beautiful words
was "thank you"?

Maybe I simply sounded how I felt.

Shocked.
Sad.
So thankful.

Sure, I love the world. That's my nature. That's who I am.
But...
I had never expected the world to love me back.
I had never even considered the possibility.

And then you came along.

What else was I supposed to say?
I put everything I had ever felt into those five words...

...Thank you.




I should be happy.
Happiness spreads.
The one follows the other.
But then, time has passed.
Maybe things are different.
Doubt it, though.
Boy do I feel stupid now.
Jump to the most selfish possible conclusion.
Skip over all the sensible parts.



You asked me if I lived inside your mind
Because I knew your thoughts so well.

I should have asked you the same thing
Instead of simply smiling again
Hurting again
Hesitating.

I should be happy too...
But I am happy
I'm perfectly happy for once

And yet, this paradoxical soul of mine...!
I'm the happiest I've ever been
And I've never felt so guilty before.
But I'm skipping to the most selfish possible conclusion again

This is about you.
This is about you, and what I've done to you
Even though it was the last thing I would ever want you to feel.

I am so sorry.
Please... forgive me.



Jealousy.

There's only one reason you would have felt it
I realized that too
In that moment I knew for sure
Just like you did
And it tore my heart in two.
I love you so much.
For everything.
For who you are.
For what you've been to me.

My Animus.


And you said it back... you actually...

Ha, you're nuts. That's it.
But then, so am I.
So's everyone.
Crazy, that is.
You find me someone that isn't.


Sanity is just another form of madness, you said... something like that.
Well, then...

If living like I am
If sacrificing myself for these souls
If loving the loveless
If being Jewel Lightraye
Makes me the craziest person on this entire freaking planet
Then hey
I'll be that person.
No questions asked.
We're all crazy in some way, yes.
It keeps us all sane.
An amusing paradox, sure, but true.
You and I are pretty crazy
In the eyes of the world.
But I'm willing to put up with that
If it means we can keep this
Every last moment
Just the way it is
And always has been.
I'm willing to put up with that.
Will you still walk with me?


...

I asked you something else once, remember.
I had felt so sad... so scared... so small.

"Are you angry with me?"

And then your voice...
"No."

But... how you said that simple word...!

I'm sorry.
I probably sound so silly right now.
Like a little kid.
Timid and frightened and scared to death
At the thought of losing what bright lights I have found.
Is that so wrong?
To hold on to these hope-lights
These beautiful, brilliant stars
Yellow
Orange
Red
Pink
Jade
Amber.
Is it so wrong?


To be so deathly afraid of losing a blessing such as this?

Someone who actually loves me back?

As cruelly hard as that is for me to comprehend?


You know it's impossible for me to be angry with you.
No matter what happens
No matter what you say
No matter what you feel
Because I know you

And you know me

There is no way in heaven
Or anywhere else
That I could make my heart feel that way.
It feels so wrong.

How could I be angry with someone that I...


Exhale, inhale, pray. Respiratory cycle, simple enough.
With every moment, something else, a new sensation.
Rarely pleasant, since bad news comes in spades.
Good news takes some work.
Maybe I could try that road again,
see if it leads anywhere this time.
But that probably wouldn't be very appreciated.

Life's just a road... isn't that what you told me?
On that day, you had thought that I'd never return...
What am I doing now, singing? Geez...
Whistling through the graveyard, you know.
Or past the maternity ward, if you rather.
Even though none of those kids will ever be mine
They're still such beautiful little souls
Full of promise, right?
And I'm protecting them too.
New life, new chances, new possibilities, new roads, new lights, new words.
Old pains, old regrets, old mistakes, old fears, old shadows, old tears, old misunderstandings.
Where am I now, do you think? Whistling?
I honestly have no idea...
Right now I feel like I'm sitting in the rain
In the middle of New York City
Typing this with a sad smile
And hoping you're having a good time
Wherever you are at the moment.
We're actually in the same time zone right now
Isn't that awesome?
Really makes me smile, thinking about it.


Even so...
I have to keep breathing
Keep praying
Keep hoping that I can see us to the end of this road

Because it's always been headed in the right direction
We only stumbled a couple of times.
But we haven't lost anything
And we're a lot closer to that light then we were back then.
Even though it was only February.

New sensations of pain
Heavens above, how many different ways can I feel this?
I'm working hard for that good news
Hopefully this will be it
Even though it's not the brightest of things
I'm just trying so hard
To heal this
To heal you.

But you're the Paladin
You're the healer
You're the one who can heal these tired souls
These broken hearts
These bloodied dreamers.


I'm just a strange sort of Gaia
Going against the original plan
I sacrifice myself to save the lives I protect
They're not mine
They're not mine at all

But I've dedicated myself to watching over them
No matter the cost to myself
Because I've been through a lot
I can easily handle a lot more
For their sake.

I'm more of a hope bringer, shall we say...?

C'mon,you are like one.
A candle in the dark to the lost souls...
Always warm...
Something comforting...
Almost like a mother...Yet too playful to be one...
Just like a fire, a flame in a lantern...
Glowing in the dark and beckoning to the lost out there in the perishing dark.

That's what I've been told...

But can I heal the healer himself?
Or am I the one who needs that?
I honestly don't know anymore


Selfish children
Greedy little children
Took her loving
And gave her nothing in return
Like invaders
Everything is slash and burn.


There's a song I heard a long time ago...


No one hears when Gaia cries
No one cares to wonder why
Can't they see the tears in Gaia's eyes?


Or at least that's how it used to go
Before a Paladin stepped onto the battlefield.


Count up every face and every race
That we will never see
Count the human ape, we can't escape

The tears are for you and me...


Will I ever be able to stop crying?...


I guess I'll hold my peace for now.
Figure THAT one out, if you can.
Or don't. I've just lost it, that's all.

...
I've been trying so hard to figure it out.

And I can't yet.

I wish I could...
But one thing's for sure
I've been holding my peace for far too long
So now
I'm finally saying everything
And hoping you won't take it the wrong way.
I can't feel malice.
I can't feel spite.
I just feel guilty
And sad
And regretful
And wish that I had never inflicted that upon you.


What did you lose?
Was it worth losing?
Are you glad it's gone?

Or are you desperately hoping
More than anything
That you could just have it back?
That you could just find it again?



Which is it, love?

I'm feeling so desperate
Is there anything
Anything at all
That I can do to help?

Geez, how many times have I asked that one?...
But hey.
You've asked the same question countless times.

We both want to help each other more than anything
But it's terribly ironic
Because how are we supposed to change anything
If we don't even know what we're supposed to change?
If we can't even change ourselves?
Even though we're trying so hard.


But... have we?
Have we finally turned this around?


I think perhaps we have.
At least I hope so.


...Why does this still hurt so much?
I guess it's because I don't know how it all ended.
I don't know if it even ended in the first place.
You were saying something about it Monday night... oh how I wish I could remember it all.
How I wish I could hear it again, just to know everything, just so I could fix everything.
I can't believe how terribly guilty I feel.
Even when I told myself there was nothing to worry about.
But how am I supposed to believe that
When you said those painful words
Even if it was over a month ago?

Maybe I really am worrying myself sick over nothing.
And yet... I just can't leave it alone.
Not until I know you're all right.
Not until I know every last spark of pain is completely gone.


I'm so stupid sometimes.
I can be such a fool.


But you said something else as well, you remember...


Fools in love
are the most beautiful thing that can ever exist.
And I think
that there's a chance
that love makes up for all of it in the end.


There's no chance, sweetheart.
There's a guarantee.
Fate
Divine providence
Synchronicity
Something amazing has been looking out for us so far.
And I have absolute faith
That it will continue to watch over us.
Library angels, you know.
Divine messengers of coincidence.
Or a lack thereof.


This is what we have.
You'll never have any less from me
But you'll sure find you have a lot more
Than either of us originally realized.


Sure, we're crazy.
Sure, we're going through a lot.
Of course we're hurting inside.
Of course we're still walking down this road.
Of course we rely on each other this much.

Just like everyone.




But you're my Animus
And I'm your Anima


And that's something only we have.







See you on Monday, all right?


-spinningcannon