well hello there

[prismaticbleed]

my dear old friends.

I haven't spoken in a long time... it's been eating away at me. Without words, I burn up.
So here I am, channeling that fire into red pixels and spitting out the truth in the process.

Family trauma, she asked. You have it?
Yes I do. I haven't said a word on it since last year... but it's there. It's gotten worse, and I need to write this down, even if it's only to look back on and say "thank GOD that's over with!"

First off, my mom got a boyfriend.
I don't even like talking about that, because the physicality and 'romantics' of her relationship make me literally sick. Regardless, she's now spending most of her time with him instead of with her family. Sadly enough we're not really fazed by it.
Q also got a girlfriend (finally).
She is... absolutely amazing. Her name is Melody, and from what I can tell, she's just as beautiful as her name suggests.
I really want to meet her one day. I'm just worried that I'll... well, I don't want to hurt her as terribly as I hurt Q.
And you all know how much I dislike being involved with typical 'relationships.'

My family is falling apart. 'A house divided against itself cannot stand...' and I'm not joking when I say that EVERYONE in that house is fighting with each other. My mother and grandmother hate each other. My grandfather is fed up with everyone. My brothers can't stand my mother, spend all their time playing video games and are all starting to become suicidal because of the monotonously painful life they're stuck in.
My father is trying to reconnect with us, as my mom is no longer screaming at him 24/7 and he's had time to mellow out, so to speak. He's also stopped drinking so much, although he has picked up smoking as a coping mechanism. I feel terribly sad for it.

My college practically threatened me with expulsion unless I temporarily 'dropped out,' because my psychological problems were causing me such traumatic problems in class that I couldn't pass ANYTHING. My GPA was dropping so sharply that they told me to shape up or ship out, and as I can't shape up unless I get my freaking surgery and less disturbing professors, I shipped the heck out.
My job is also starting to seriously eat at me. I'm starting to screw up orders daily and am almost constantly fighting back both severe self-loathing and pure anger at my customers for being so hedonistic. Why the heck do you need that much freaking food?! And then I get customers who are 'shopping today because they don't want to leave the house for the next few days.' Stop being so freaking physical.

My dysphoria has hit another high. I'm terrified that if I don't get this fixed soon I might become suicidal or horrifically abusive again. I'd rather not have to live through another 2008 now that my circumstances have only become worse.

I don't feel like writing anymore. I'm numb and tired and sick and can't even think straight right now.


See you again soon..