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[prismaticbleed]

 
(unfinished, disjointed)

Therapy this morning
tried emdr "eye movement" thing
PANIC ATTACKS. kept wondering why. wanted to throw up. body started shaking.
realized it's because it's the SAME "eye-darting" movement we do when we're HYPERVIGILANT and "scanning for danger"
she keeps wanting us to "visualize your safe space" dammit there is no such thing, not even inside, the tar or plague can attack you anytime.
the only safe place is next to laurie's axe

230pm breakfast???
by the time we got home and calmed down it was so late
body wrecked. we're just so exhausted emotionally though

oh and mom called like immediately after
said get in the car i got 4pm tickets to see AVATAR
so we went. best thing to do today is just forget about physical reality for three solid hours

honestly GREAT DECISION
what a movie. very immersive. love the whales.
big focus on family though. triggered a lot of stuff for us.
so disturbed too by the gender issues. why is that haunting us so much.
whole movie kept thinking "what does it mean to be a man" "what does it mean to be a father" "i wouldn't feel like i belonged in ANY of these groups" totally alienated and shaken up. felt wrong and invisible and sick

mom and her boyfriend literally got up and left the second the credits came on the screen
we said wtf, we need to process and decompress, why are you rushing out????? what the hell
genesis & i sat there and just watched the words roll, theater emptied out fast, people were legit pointing and laughing at us "hey the movie's over weirdo" whatever dude there is a very particular peace to an empty theater and the credits and the music. like waking up from a dream. key part of the experience.
mom has no chill though she kept yelling and waving "it's over hurry up" wtf calm down
she talked ALL through the movie too we had to angrily "SSHHH" her several times, it was disturbing. like she DOESN'T GET IMMERSED???? she just talks and comments and eats??? does she even experience the movie? what the hell is her brain even doing

best thing about seeing movies though
IMAGINING HEADSPACE STUFF WITH THE FICTION LAG
we often lose chunks of time during the film because of dissociation haha but it's worth it
FIGHT SCENES WITH LAURIE & INFI & CHAOS 0
honestly it... it was amazing. we all felt so real.
i felt like myself. that almost NEVER happens anymore.
all white hair and crazyeyes. sheer RED powers. using infi's feathers as cupid arrows. et cetera. chaos so gorgeous to see, all that water, mental clarity boosted from seeing the film. laurie using her oft-forgotten "gravity" powers, using everything purple to power-up like she does in dreams, metal can't hurt her she just grafts it into her axe. infi in absolute mad-enamored mode. beautifully terrifying. ze & i practically symbiotic in that state. i forgot how close we were until i felt that, the both of us high on blood & love to the point where our colors were melting together.
man this is the sort of stuff jewel used to do "write-outs" for in high school. i miss this. so much.

mom just loves living late i don't get it, does she never sleep???
got home at 845. thank god we had prepped food earlier
Dinner at 9
of course couldn't go right to sleep so we planned to stay up late.
went on OLD computer

Reading old entries about Rio & Markus 
So much old love
SHOCKED at how shameless the Jewel was about her emotions back then (2005)????? like she had NO self-loathing or self-disgust at ALL. she was in love and she was happy and she expressed that openly. now if i even try i want to eviscerate myself. i use those pronouns very loosely, i am aware that only a core can express love and the cores cannot be in the body without being corrupted or opposed, even typing, because they're "too emotional" and that's "stupid and wrong and evil and disgusting"
how did this happen???

lots of amusing comments too though, while reading. shenanigans upstairs from the gang
Genesis and the shopping cart 

as i was reading I randomly realized Leon is Noel backwards, Laurie thought this was hilarious
she called him down to pester him affectionately about this and ultimately they ended up shoving each other into snowbanks in good fun
leon is... changing. in a good way. but odd. he's really moving solidly into indigo, and that particular vibe. he was leaning blue for too long, it wasn't healthy. i notice laurie is healthier too when she leans violet.

Mimic pinged when reading about Davy
jewel out with me, emotionally flustered; she didn't want to talk about it, can't get into that memoryspace
i'm half asleep and i accidentally said to mimic "Get some sleep man I love you"
he stopped looked at me "what"
i kind of froze haha, laurie absolutely elated, immediately calls me out "dude we ALL heard you"
still mimic almost blew it off. unsurprisingly. brusque banter with him about it
at some point i remember commenting "do I have to break you"
"Is that a threat"
i said "yeah, yeah it is" no idea what i was talking about but my subconscious does i guess
forget the conversation BUT as he leaves he just states "I do still remember that dream you know"
ONE WALL DOWN???
LAURIE GOT OUT THE CHAMPAGNE 

Julie showed up to talk a bit

Lots of core switching while reading, inevitably

Earlier Julie TRIED to hold her OLD COLOR (yellow hair, blue eyes)
Wreckage WARPED in instantly, nearly attacked her
Julie said go ahead, she'd rather get hurt & recover than let the Tar get away w/ imitating her

thinking that Laurie's color shifting WITH CORES???
more violet with the cannons, more purple with the jays??? slightly different roles needed???

Marigold & Jeremiah showed up?? was that because of wreckage?
marigold is like the walking dead, she's in shock. all the kids are so disturbed
she can't talk right now. she's aware and responds but it's so bleary. thousand yard stare

Knife kissing Laurie's head when she was unstable earlier he's such a sweetheart
hurts though to see her so chronically unsteady though. so far the only thing that helps IS pushing her more violet. need to keep reviewing the old days with her. get her true soulvibe back, not what it was corrupted into through socialization function shattering

Wreckage & Laurie arguing a lot about protecting others 
no animosity though. they're legit close friends. but that's how they show it really
genuine conversation. really moving to see tbh

ALENA & JACK IN MIRRORS STILL!!!

CANNOT be myself in the body
Body vibe persona is CORRUPT and NOT ME AT ALL
THIS is what is causing the 3rd person internal perspective ESPECIALLY IN DREAMS
please please type about this in depth it is SO DISTURBING but it explains SO MUCH

btw breakfast was Holy innocents & 1 John 2 Bible study
 
finding new music on spotify?

Library stop after therapy got some animated movies 
there are SO MANY i've never even heard of, so it's exciting

Typing in spices from UPMC into old computer, idea from mom
overwhelming. not sure if we're going to use it but it's one paper down at least

the thought haunting me all day:
Who am I really?