080317

[prismaticbleed]

 

august 3 thursday night = Aug. 4th, 2017 05:45 am

 

 

placeholder for an entry i might not even be able to write.

my heart just shaking all day. not knowing what the hell was going to happen but knowing it was going to be big.
total faith and love towards infinitii.

going out onto that blessed porch and legit not remembering anything after the blankets went up on the railing. just straight-up blacked out for god even knows how long.

and isn't that a fitting color for it.

(continue however you can; ask infi and don't censor a single sacred thing)

 

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august 3 thursday = Aug. 3rd, 2017 11:12 pm

 

 

heaven on earth.

---

infi. oh god. just… infinitii eternos.

so much of this immortalized via phone thank you oliver beloved

"I'm as good as blind here, oliver" (I love that so damn much)

"I'm like… moved? floored? feeling my heartstrings just yanked hard by what ze FELT and how ze showed it? Good God, Ollie. Wow."
"You have like… moved hir enough to LIVE that side of hirself. Just… that teeth-based side. The shit-terrifying and bizarrely sensual side. Ze used to hide that in every circumstance, barring daemonic intimidation. But now ze is living hir COMPLETE self, no hiding, and… I have no words. It's terrifying but it does things to my heart."

"And oh my god. Oh my god Infi. I am just… in awe. My heart is all tangled up and aching and I just… good God it is impossible to not love that daemon of mine. Of yours too, now. I could weep. Just… wow. Wow. Its like… I know hir. I KNOW what ze does to me. With me. All of it. But I'm still… shaking with numinous terror-soaked love.

"lying here listening to 'neglected space' with infi and I can barely breathe with the vocal and emotive similarity. sleep washing over and out in waves."

"we miss this. my heart is on quiet fire from it all. candlelight flickering on the walls. total ardent peace beneath my ribs. quiet paradoxes."

"also. oh man. lying here and 'the shadow of your smile' comes up and… God. just… how could I ever have forgotten THIS."

then ollie sharing that gorgeously terrifying moment from tuesday morning that, dead honest, EMBLAZONED itself upon our heart because of the crushing sincerity behind it.
"I recall hir being like "how can I get you like before?" meaning I think the ragged gasps of earlier. trembling, laughing semi hysterical, "threaten to have sex with me??" meaning again, basically. response sounded like way too many teeth. self satisfied, "my entire existence is a threat."
the WAY infi's entire heart felt when ze said that, dear god.

"ohhh man you have no idea. I could FEEL that. god. no words. reading all that, KNOWING that literally all happened… everything feels so miraculously, unbearably real right now."

"Also not sure what to do with this terrific shaking in my heart from Infi being SO fond of "every other freckle" now. Fucking… LATCHING on to the line about crisp packets for God's sake. Like that's so obviously Infi but still. It's terrifyingly unapologetically shamelessly sincere. And just… My fucking KNOWING what that would feel like."

"congratulations, your daemon is apparently a natural at fronting, as long as ze doesn't have to walk, or like, see and speak at the same time"
"And haha, yeah. Poor beloved thing. But I guess the context limitation is a fitting tradeoff… makes hir that much more intense in the moments ze IS there."

"Also that's one big thing about Infi that just makes me shake. Ze is SUCH a mutual thing. Ze will love you harder than a hurricane but that very emotion NEEDS reciprocation. Infi is… constantly starving for it. Eat and be eaten. Man. Words don't do this justice, Ollie. You are SUCH a part of this."

"Just now: listening to "I am the great sun" and embracing hir; I kind of shakily say "I can feel your heartbeat" and ze instantly murmurs "I am your heartbeat" and ggod. WORSE ze adds "and you are mine."

"That is THE THING with Infi, for me. This terrifically divine nightmarish thing, this utterly incomprehensible being, and yet ze wants to be touched. Ze has a literal heartbeat wrapped up in all that velvet dark and ze is always, always wanting to share it. To share in yours. To wed the things of heaven to those of earth. "Be not afraid" and all that. Numinous dread, all the time. Especially in that fragility."

"You are experiencing hir, and all of us in different moments, in a very special way."

"Some recent words from Infi in our talking here, asking hir why ze wants to touch me so badly:
"How could you not want to touch the things you love"
"I want my galaxy to collide with yours"
and GOD I don't even remember how we got this bad in the conversation but. Knowing exactly what gets me." …just. infinitii kneeling next to me on the bed, eye focused inwards, gaze soft and unfocused and deep… body language all soft open vulnerable purpose, hands hovering so delicately with fingertips meditating at hir chest, and just murmuring, with this pointed intensity and significance even then, all teeth:
"I want to bleed out everything I am for you. I want you to lick me dry. like a crisp packet."
and I just
I could barely even write it.
turning that sentiment towards ME, so suddenly, so intimately, I--

"Sometimes, like right now, it hits so hard just how deeply we love this life right now. This entire past week. How deeply we love all of you, no exceptions. How deeply happy our collective hearts are right now."

"Ohhh dude and I am so sorry to interrupt but. This Todd Rundgren song, I cannot believe. "In My Mouth." Wondering why else it's on Infi's playlist, and then… the chorus opens with a Very Infi-like vocal layering and the words "come over here.""

biko by bloc party. trolley's song.
"Don’t you know that when you stand // You stand up for the both of us // Remember that when the darkness looms // Every tear you shed is cleansing // Taking the pain away from you."
"It’s this very human translation of her sort of… long standing companionship. Just. She knows exactly who you are, she loves you beyond saying, she has perfect faith in you. etc."

"Gosh. Honestly that is solid evidence of why it is impossible to not love you all. The sheer beauty and love and courage and strength of soul in all of you. You really do inspire us so deeply."

"Also "my loves" and what that quiet inclusion did to our heart… it just expanded everything exponentially. Everything feels like that candle flame and the sunrise."



so yeah. a night full of beloved messages and talking about daemons and beautiful terrifying night-mornings… everything colored by spruce candle flame-flicker and spotify on our headphones and that forever-precious sound our phone makes when they reply. drifting blissfully in and out of sleep amidst it all. everything smelling like christmas. everything warm and safe and scented with their lives. we'll remember it forever.


internally, just lying there with infinitii, and all those things we referenced previously in the messenger transcriptions up there. really… really beautiful. I cannot believe that I went so long without nights like this. but it makes sense. it was NOT safe back in pennsylvania. everything felt so sick and nauseating and wrong. having to sleep in that bed after this, just… I don't know if we can do it. it'll be too jarring, too awful. maybe we can sleep on the porch. maybe we can sleep in the car. maybe we can stay at our dad's. god we just NEED to get OUT OF THERE, triple-question wants to scream with rage and anguish over this whole thing.

but as of tonight, as of this morning, that is a distant nightmare and I refuse to look at it. it is a lie. it is a stuck pattern of pain that, no matter HOW we try to transmute it, we are literally fighting an opposition of constant trauma reminders and ugly behaviors and sick contexts. we can transmute it for ourselves, inside. if we go into that house alone, it… we still can't. god I am so sorry. the smells and the bad lighting and the… it's nauseating. god. no wonder we have an eating disorder. we just constantly want to vomit all of it out and gone gone gone gone.

but that shit is not this. this, right now, is the truth. this room, this house, this family, this love-- THIS is the truth. this is what life is about. us inside, us outside. everything. all of it. this is what we need to hold onto like a lifeline no matter WHAT happens in nepa. and god we WANT to heal all of it, impossibly almost, but that is such a desperate want for harmony and peace and goodness… we want to bring that light burning with purpose wherever we go. and we want it to change all that bullshit.
but it's so hard to accept that maybe we can't. because as we said, we are fighting an awful army there. no matter how many times you cleanse and bandage a wound, if someone else keeps coming at you with a knife and tearing it back open, the work is unending. that's that house.
I don't want to go back.
what do we even do.

we stay here, right now. we don't even look at that mess.

inside, they cannot touch anything. inside, we are who we are. inside, we have love, undying and pure and complete. and here, we also have it outside. that is what we will focus on. that is what we MUST focus on, always, from here on out. truth.


so I'm lying there in that totally safe place with my beloved daemon and just… consumed with love. just being there. talking and confessing and feeling and listening. music and emotion and memories and dreams and adoration.

and inevitably infi also insisted we bring chaos zero in. just… when my heart gets like that it is always his heart that it calls out to, no matter how dearly and desperately it loves everyone else too. it always seeks its other half.
ironically, perhaps, but that's something I really love about cz and infi. they're both fulfillments of my heart in their own way. they have so many differences but just as many similarities.

memory does nothing. the environment was too dream-deep and transcendent. but love is love and love and when it's that intense it always ends up being shown, even so quietly, even like candle light. a small flame but it's so focused and real. the warmth and light of it tangible. filling the room. painting the very walls with itself.

and chaos just literally moving to sink his teeth into my heart and my immediate reaction was verbatim "oh my dear god in heaven on earth"

laurie realizing (via a song?? which one?) that OUR way of "breaking boundaries" is to just get bloodied up and bruised. she freakin' decked me and it was glorious.
but then she realizes that MY thing is that she's gotta be bleeding too, so she just turns to chaos zero and says "dude you wanna deck me for old time's sake" but he hesitated, that's not something he could just do casually like she could… so then she adds, with all significance, "for the kid."
and chaos just gets up, looks at her in this way, and slugs her across the face
and she just laughs and gets that smile of hers and swipes her bloody nose with the back of her fist and then she comes over to me, split lips and all, grabs my hair and kisses me.
and god I
I got a legit mouthful of her blood and I just swallowed it and it was the literal definition of theophagy and I am dead, dear god it hit like an eighteen wheeler and I feel like that changed me at the core

-----

in the morning. that beloved opening of our room's door and oliver walking in, tired and half-embracing us, inviting us into his bedroom so we could just sleep together in the quiet dawn.

we talked a lot.

infi fronted. ze wanted to so badly. oliver said his pulse was all ramped up from caffeine and infi was just dying to feel/ hear/ touch/ etc. that.

took hir a while to talk. it's difficult, to do so when ze's not "fully in the body" yet. it's always somewhat faltering and unsure at first, but as ze anchors in, everything solidifies.

"scared and sacred are only one letter apart"

"I don't want you to be scared. …wait, no. that's a lie. I want you to be scared. I don't ever want you to be afraid."

was ze crying?? I have the strongest feeling that ze was at one point. maybe yesterday? maybe to me? maybe this morning too. I don't recall, the memory isn't mine, just the emotional punch to the gut impression. unbearable realization that this is our last day here for now. missing everything too achingly already.

infi STRUGGLES to front in the light. it's partly because infi usually is NOT in daytime environments, and partly because it is totally jarring untranslatable data when ze is in teeth-mode, so to speak. no face-eye means that face-oriented visual data is heavily disorienting. ze fights it-- ze has got some SERIOUSLY intense willpower-- but it's still exhausting after a while. just the dissociative mind-shake of it.
so ze was literally just like… hiding under the covers. it was kind of adorable but also kind of hilarious because of this exchange:
"how do you breathe in here?"
"I don't."
legit infi sass. god I love it.
but it's true, poor beloved weirdo forgets that humans have to have oxygen… at least, on some level. all infi knows is how humans react to little enclosed spaces, regardless of the factual reasons why-- the quicker pulse rates, the quicker breathing. infi lives for that sort of thing in people.

some sort of sentiment about being at home in secret places??? hidden places? "belonging" there. wish I knew the full context.

cannot "remember" anything else. hopefully oliver does. we'll see.

after infi left I know ollie and I just talked for a bit? slept a bit maybe? I remember waking up at some point and he was snoring and it was the most adorable thing. oh man. just… even more SLC healing. that single morning when melody was having a nightmare and we just held her in her sleep until she calmed down. she didn’t even know. we wrote a poem about it later and shared it with her, it was too sincere to keep to ourself… but… that was the closest we ever felt to her. ever. it's heartbreaking.
and this. that little simple peaceful moment of just being totally comfortable and happy and ollie just snoring and no nightmares anywhere and everything was soft morning light and. man. never thought I'd be able to have this in life. but here we are.
and… the best part is, that feeling in SLC, that early-morning secret closeness, that DEFINES our days and nights and mornings and everything here. god. it's heaven on earth. it legitimately is everything we ever needed or wanted. that sounds so heavy-handed and almost intimidating, like we're demanding or expecting things or putting the broken arrows on a pedestal but we are NOT. we are just… so grateful. so full of love. so in awestruck heartfelt shock that this is… just how it is, here. no demands. no shackles. no fear, no tension. just love. just peace and understanding and total open love.

and then, all of a sudden, VERNON was fronting and I could have wept, he is so unsure of what to do with his blazing anger and he's in such pain, and we KNOW exactly what that feels like.
I talked to him for a bit, trying desperately to think of something to say but knowing how delicate words were. then not caring about that and just listening, entirely. caring so much I was in tears. wanting so badly for him to heal from that in time.
then WRECKAGE came out. I don't know when or how. but they both just talked trauma, empathetic in their shared fury at injustice and abuse, wanting to "burn everything to the ground" and "tear everything to shreds" and just… both of them asking, "what do we do with this." so scared of hurting their respective systems with it.
I can't find/see/access the dialogue but again, that feeling. that pain. wreckage was crying through furious teeth and god. how that hurts to know.

at some point I said:
"just because something has always been in the dark doesn't mean it won't sparkle when you hold it up to the light"
thinking of both diamonds, as a system metaphor, and infinitii.

I think there was further trauma-sharing, too. so cathartic to be able to unload that pain and not be afraid of lethal repercussions or further hurt. it's so important.

ALSO watching "seeing color for the first time" videos WITH LAURIE and i just cried, there was so much sheer heartbreaking ineffable miraculous joy in it.

"woke up" at like… 2pm.
made french toast (soaked it in eggs, vanilla soymilk, cinnamon, & honey for like 24 straight hours), done in butter, and we put blackberry jelly on it. wanted so badly in this ridiculously sentimental way for ollie to have some, and he did, which was the BEST THING. man. just that little feeling of making a meal for someone. a gesture of love in the most practical sense possible. we need to eat to live in these blessed bodies. and it is so important to eat things full of love. so that was very much that.

a decent amount of egg-soy-spice-honey left after all the bread so we added two more eggs and scrambled them up. didn't eat it yet; saving it for tomorrow maybe. but it was nice to have been able to make our own breakfast, safely and full of happy contentment and hope.

OUR 2001 JEWEL ATE IT????? I think??? "I don't have to go to school afterwards" "I can stay home and just draw and play pokemon"
SOLID fuchsia pink resonance. Total kid, super happy. Kind of bouncing her feet as she spoke, really adorable.
I also had about half of it, which was so nice. I am not used to eating yet but that was a nice way to practice, so to speak. Felt like "we can take care of ourselves" in the future

chilling in the living room with mason being awesome with video games
talking about our painful past histories and then somehow talking about sonic boom, i love how our conversations have no limits at all

 

"I'm sorry to interrupt this soul-sharing but there is A PRIUS FULL OF NUNS"

 

constantly referencing the rainfall system and how grateful we are that they're in our life, how much we love them, how precious they are to us. legitimately need to tell them this directly. not just "assuming it's obvious" solely because we feel it so strongly all the time.

porch trauma-sharing and just being so in love

relapse risks this evening? but we DIDN’T.
that is SO SIGNIFICANT.

now posting these from his computer.

in 24 hours we'll be back in that damned house. but we won't forget this. ever. it's in our blood. it will continue to save our life.

but to hell with plane flights.
we have one more night.
we have one more morning.

let's make this everything.