the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

so i was looking up etymology today.
"mass" is from "missa" which means "dismissal" which is a sending out into the world, out of the holy building and into a mission elsewhere. "ite, missa est." Go, you are sent.
but that isn't what we do on sunday mornings. it's quite the literal opposite.
we are called in. we are all called to more fully inhabit a holy vessel, a sacred form, in order to be embraced by a second.
we don't go to mass. we go to church.

from the old english "circe." meaning a circle, a thing that binds. a ring. (cathedral bells. wedding cakes. music.)
reminding me instantly of the polish "serce." heart.
(cathedral bells. wedding cakes. music--)

in scripture, there is nothing analogous to the current "christian church" as a building. those came later. in the beginning, it was just a congregation, an assembly, a gathering of those who believed. fellowship. camaraderie. a unity of persons in love and faith and hope. people of "the lord"-- a term which we, personally,
the scriptures refer to the believers as buildings. as vessels. as temples. the architect, the master builder, is christ-- is the lord God, the Creator, the Source, the cosmic core, the very essence of love itself. 1 john 4:8, iscah would appreciate the reference.
"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."
we were just talking about that last night. and we were living it this morning. at "church". in church. our assembly of love. our bonds of faith.
"i am real. we are real. this is real."
love is the foundation that this cathedral is built upon.
ἀγάπη. agape. i daresay that's a familiar word.
if God is love and churches are temples and temples are places of worship and we are a temple, if we are this assembly of love, if we are a church, if we are a place of worship, if we are a monument to love, well. you see how it all ties together. how it's all linked together. how it's all connected.
circe. a circle. a cycle. nothing and everything, with a twist.

so, perfectly ironically, by not going to church on sundays, we get to truly go to church on sundays.
(we sure have enough angels to prove the point.)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


another sacred morning.

early, 8am, all three of us in bed. we didn't sleep at all last night so we were waiting on the couch for oliver to come home, wrapped up in our dreamcatcher blanket. then we washed up for the morning and since mason took the weekend off, all of us got to lie there in the quiet morning together, talking and laughing too, which was so nice.
we had our hand on ollie's chest as always-- we can't help it, it's too true-- and then mason reached over and held our hand as well, so the both of us were there. man. that was just amazing, all of us feeling so close right then.
mason mentioned our poly situation being a v-shape line with THREE POINTS, almost a triangle, and that was SUCH a striking but unintentional "tessellate" reference that infinitii immediately was shocked into fronting, and ze laughed. oliver knew, he always knows. mason did not. he had no idea what he had just said or who was suddenly there; it was pretty great.
but infi and i were cofronting and basically dying from bliss. it all meant so much.
most notably, infi, delirious with euphoria, said "jay there are three heartbeats here"

then mason got up for the day and we sept a while but we woke back up around 11:30?
and heaven happened again. 
(it gets its own entry.)

basically, fronting was all infi, me, laurie, genesis chaos, CELEBI too! talking about time and hearts. forgot how incredibly centered she is when fronting; no wonder, she's an ancient frontrunner and she knows who she is.
lethe styx (using his second name so often lately) and infi cofronting too. infi "accidentally" name-dropped him and he showed up and stuck around. also yes he IS stygian blue! styx also name-dropped infi with whatever he said, i feel the sly affectionate grin in the memory vibe.
infi talking about connections being LEMNISCATE loops when they are truly solid; "everything with a twist"

everything feeling red and gold, like right after the midnight mass on christmas ends. pure quiet joy.

discussed cores having MULTIPLE names?? looking this up all day.
stars, mostly. 
perihelion, atrial/atriel? antaros/asteros? feeling the "a" root for some reason. it's silvery white. pure.
possible cores being LIGHT instead of a color?? "prism" association, "source" of ALL colors.
anyway, basic point was that my "true name" is not a word, it's a feeling, or a vibe. and the system seems to be mandating form-shifting for cores now?? to prevent them shattering like before, as it'll help their functions flow and expand, not locking them into hyperspecific situations, letting them actually front in the world and interact in different contexts. so a multiple-name thing while still resonating with a deeper truename makes total sense for having multipleforms but a deeper trueself. good things are happening bro.

got out of bed at 3. 

mason made CROQUETTES! also rice. and he got out our chopsticks!
we've never had croquettes before; apparently they're rather customizable? a basic versatile recipe. these were potato mixed with vegetables and bacon, coated in panko+egg, then fried in oil. we had three, plus rice with soy sauce, curry powder, and sriracha. we also had a tiny bit of zucchini after. everything was delicious.
no mistakes either! and no fear at all. and we waited a half hour to finish it, too, so we wouldn't get amount-panic.
did the dishes, got vegetable stuff ready for later tonight. in hindsight that was a BAD IDEA; we've realized that "preparing things for later" tends to trigger "sneaky" feelings, therefore shame and self-abusive lapses. it is far wiser and less stressful to just leave everything until it's time to eat, then make it on the spot. we didn't realize what a huge fear trigger food containers were until today. for years they have been, actually; we just keep ignoring the reaction. it gives us flashbacks even. sounds ridiculous, but it's true. that awful choking kitchen atmosphere, the having to secretly eat when no one could condemn us, only being able to eat leftovers and still being shouted at because they "were for other people," etc. and then our mother ONLY bringing food to the house in plastic containers, then telling us we weren't allowed to eat it, and glaring suspiciously at us with those wide scary eyes whenever we tried to take some. bad memories, bad feelings. we don't need to dwell on that, please don't. the point is, eating food out of tupperware is a massive terror trigger and we MUST STOP DOING IT. so is eating out of big bowls, let's please avoid that discussion. big big trauma trigger. bad bad memories and pain. no mixing bowls! no pots! no tupperware! no eating while standing up! get an actual ceramic bowl, sit down with your beloved friends, and eat that. then you're done! wash it up, put it away, brush your teeth, drink water, then go LIVE LIFE. eating is fuel. it's not the "only thing you can do with your life" anymore. look at us now! typing! reading! playing aywas even! spotify and oneword and tumblr and etymology websites and even scripture research! there's so much to do. so much to life. there's so much more. eating is nice but it's only nice in moderation and you know that too! so keep being brave, and doing what FEELS RIGHT AND GOOD AND PAINLESS. that's a good litmus test! if it makes you uneasy or sad or ill, STOP. or AVOID IT in the first place! we CAN do that now. even better, we WANT TO! before, when we first got here, lots of our socials DIDN'T want to feel safe or happy or good! they were so caught up in misery and self-loathing and toxic sad residue from the homestead. not anymore! every day it's going away more! and one day it'll be all gone. i know it.
so breakfast was wonderful and delicious and so nice. thank you mason, who was watching inuyasha as we ate and that was really nice background noise. always good to hear other people enjoying life.
oh yes, he was also talking about playing metal gear solid 5, which we remember because our bro diamond loves that series (as does viral) and we watched him play most of it! forgot how amusingly bizarre it is to hear someone talk about. like a fever dream. but it's a very good series. we hope he's enjoying it too.
anyway yes, we ate and then brushed our teeth and we were golden, dude. no fear! success!
breakfasts have been so good lately. remember for a while there they weren't! we'd have trouble first thing in the morning. not anymore! i'm so happy we're healing. this is gemma by the way, hi. <3 i know you've all been looking for me because i feel a certain way (blue happy) but i don't front much. i think this is more my element. also yes i think i might end up working with those two little bunny daemon things iscah met at upmc? i know chocoloco isn't my daemon but i did split off his host from what we all think. anyway it's nice to be back and alive and all of us being happy and good.
also i was just told that i sound like simeon. i do! but we have different vibes. so just ask. <3

after breakfast, mason started playing zero dawn and we sat and watched with oliver. it's such a visually beautiful, intriguing game. we're curious as to the ultimate concept of it; mason is near the end of the game but it's so unique! it's set in the far future, being post-apocalyptic, but there are robotic beasts everywhere? as well as real animals. it's such a cool juxtaposition, we love it. however, there's ALSO this corruption stuff, all red and black, infecting the landscape (!) and the robots. very negative headspace-y. i'm wondering how this became a common representation, like in breath of the wild, and way back on the scg forums 6 years ago even. i wonder if it's a global subconscious thing. that's also deeply intriguing. we love wondering and learning about things like that.
partly through watching mason, we took a short break to play aywas on our phone, mainly just to visit the adoption center. we adopted a rock sevryn, and ended up showing ollie the sevryn designs in the aywapedia, because some of them are truly gorgeous, like the peacock and patterned and our favorite, rose stained. 
did i mention that the GREEN JEWEL has been the one playing aywas, i think?? she's the one from high school, with the u.w.b.c.a and everything. we know her vibe. she gets so excited over virtual pets and keeps buying the ones she likes even if it's blowing all our virtual cash. laurie was chiding her for this but she responded that she was being careful; she was buying them because she legitimately liked them, it wasn't a random buy. laurie still said to be prudent about it. but yeah, green-jewel is still around. she needs to find a name. i'd say "emerald" but she is absolutely not that color. we shall see.
we didn't want to snub ollie or mason or even aloy, though, so we quit aywas and continued watching that awesome game. but then mason said to avoid spoilers at one point so we put on spotify and were listening to that AMAZING track oliver introduced us to, with the voice that sounds like "jay" truly, at the beginning, "galaxies." fittingly we also decided to do more core-name searching with stars and constellations. but it was so good and nice.
then oliver went to work and we walked him out to the car and i remember the air was perfect, the most beautiful temperature and smell and light, and we kissed oliver in the driveway and even though we weren't fully conscious (still struggling with social panic when he leaves, but we're getting better) that moment stood out so strongly in our heart. some things cannot be diluted at all.

immediately upon going inside we started writing this morning's entry, did so for about two solid hours.
then we took a break and tried to eat dinner. scared, but we have faith in ourselves now, and we did VERY well.
TAUREIA fronted and SHE LEARNED FROM YESTERDAY!!!! she notably started trying to be empathetic, and decided to NOT eat what she knew other people would get sick from. 
her thought process also involved her accepting that name; she started as one of the jessicas but also realized that she couldn't claim that name as it belonged to the body itself.
"i can be bullheaded and stubborn, or i can be the ox that overpowers all obstacles"
the brown "jessica" also came out a bit, but chocoloco stopped her as she was starting to eat in a self-abusive manner. but nothing bad happened as she listened to him.
iscah was also out briefly, talking to the BLUE voice from the "nervosa" xanga? the compulsive one. also talking to taureia. near miss with abusive behavior as a result of that poor damaged nameless voice stepping in, but they are learning too. i clearly recall iscah telling them that they NEED to eat slowly and mindfully or they will get sick; if you dont chew your food it causes sharp physical pain and we know it. the blue voice (and someone else?) were scared at this; they wanted it "gone as soon as possible" for binge purposes. but iscah said no; that's not what food is for. again, those nervous voices really don't comprehend food as a concept yet. but i can tell it's catching on.
we got a little sick from eating late, but we managed. taureia is very happy that she tried so hard and did so well. we are too, we're very proud of her and all the others.
i know spice also fronted briefly after jess and before taureia returned, making sure no one was doing anything harmful, as that's her job. dear lord we miss her. i am so, so glad she's still as strong as ever. we need to talk to her more; she doesn't have a clear overlay OR visual self-awareness yet?? even after all this time. but that's typical for eating disorder voices, what with how that struggle affects self-worth. so that's important to work on with her.
and the DESTROYER also was hanging around taureia a little? comparing their motives. GEEZ. we haven't seen her in ages either! good to know she's still alive. we do need to talk to her, though-- her role is VITAL in protecting us from blindly abusive fronters, similar to juniper's job but much heavier and blunter. no nonsense. she's saved us from disaster and pain many many times before.
brief thought, we haven't seen juniper around lately, which is good in the sense that she hasn't had to do her original job-- emergency shutdown of abusive e.d. voices-- and bad in the sense that we don't want her locked to that job and only that job. she's still context locked? so she can't be casually called out to just "be" right now. but i wonder, maybe if we try anyhow? practice that? after all if you don't give those nousfoni a chance, they won't learn HOW to exist in positive, self-aware circumstances. 
so we need to do that for all the nousfoni that are currently unstable, context-locked, or otherwise lacking in self-awareness and therefore the capacity to exist as their own people as of yet. they deserve that chance too. we all do.

now we're cleaned up for the night and typing until 7am!