oct 31 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN KIDS!
i didnt get to go out this year because i couldnt affort a costume but i will plan for next year.
but i did wear my skeleton shirt and tiny shorts all day, aha. so that works in a way!


- woke up with incredible music in my head again. first was watching some super-fancy performance on stage (the outfits were amazing), gospel-style music?
then woke up with a song that sounded like hauschka fused with james blake and pattern is movement. THAT'S COOL. i wrote down the vibe i remembered and thought about it until it stuck. now i need a way to create this stuff in the waking.

- had an abusive eater come out first thing, due to feeling "filthy" in the body and not taking time to meditate/ regroup upon waking. mistake! always brush your teeth and tap into headspace first. but no, for whatever reason, this numb social decided to just jump right into further numbing. well genesis caught them, and we got them to stop before they did much damage, but the body still got sick.
i swear we'd feel SO much better, physically and emotionally, if these alters stopped using food as a "i dont care i just want to shut down" abuse instigator. we NEED to get to the bottom of this. laurie keeps insisting a xanga session is in order. i might just host one after i finish typing this (she's excited now, haha).


- i really, really dislike talking about the brother in less-than-positive ways because that goes against my nature. but i have to outline the problems in our household environment because this is something we cannot gloss over, for our own safety.
this morning, he subtly almost outed us to our grandmother. yes it wasn't outright. but that action was a declaration of "i know this about you. i am capable of using this against you if you push me to that point. watch yourself." we know his ways, he is VERY passive aggressive and just as razor sharp when he does so.
laurie and i both said, rather sadly, "let's not trust him anymore." just like the mother, he's stabbed us in the back too many times, and that breaks our heart, but we have to keep ourselves safe.
but man that shocked us and it still has us reeling. when did he get like this? better yet, when did WE get like this? when we visited him at his apartment, yeah he was still distressed, but he wasn't depressed. he was just confused and almost manic at times actually, with how he overthinks things with his "i have to understand everything ever" mindset. but we'd talk for hours and he seemed okay. he was kind, he seemed open to such gentler things. now? now he appears to have a vendetta against the universe for it's incomprehensibility, and even moreso against the human race for being "pure evil" and "disgusting" and other things.
bro you've gotta have patience with them. have some compassion. they're going through a learning process. but he is unwilling to. he just thinks everyone else is terrible and wants nothing to do with them. he says "i've been pushed around and taken advantage of too much. i'm done with this." but shit dude is that really enough to destroy whatever faith you had in humanity? people having human weakness? i dont know. i dont want to trivialize his experiences. i guess... i suppose it's because i try so hard to stay as bright as possible, to keep my heart shining, that i refuse to let the knee-jerk despair get the better of me, ever. is that the only difference between us then? that when the darker side of life pushed him around, his response was to flip it off and turn his back? whereas i always try to ask, "well why did it push me around?" and then, "am i interpreting this more darkly than it is?" etc. and yeah sometimes it IS good to just leave a bad situation. i agree with that. but you can't hate the other party as a result. that's what i mean. i've tried to tell him this but he's unwilling to, he's too preoccupied with his battle damage. i dont know. it just hurts, to see him going through this.
but like i said. having compassion for him doesn't mean he's safe to be around anymore. i need to write this stuff down.

- two days ago, he was screaming at us (in front of the grandparents, purposely) for "borrowing his food" when we didn't have any-- which we are guilty of, but we are so crushingly ashamed of asking that we won't, and instead will buy back extra of what we used ASAP. i admitted this outright. but then he said we were a hypocrite and cited an "example" of a day two years ago, when he walked into the bathroom while we were brushing our teeth and took our toothpaste to use, and we admittedly shouted at him over it. he said that since we did that, we had no right to talk. HOWEVER i spoke up for ourself, mentioning that, back then, we had NO income and were scraping pennies together to BUY that toothpaste. he, on the other hand, already had his own and instead was using OURS for no good reason. when we saw that and realized that he may have been doing this regularly, we got really upset because he had NO INTENTION OF REIMBURSING US for it, whereas with this food situation, we pay back every cent we owe and then some. that's our principle. then i said, sadly and a bit bitterly (i apologize), that "you shouldn't judge my entire worth as a person based on ONE moment of weakness two years ago. that's not very honorable." i think the conversation ended there.
HOWEVER it was also a very good mirror to ourself. one of the things we cannot forgive ourself for for some reason, is back in slc, when apparently one of our abusive eaters was out and Y caught them. according to Y, the alter "threw the bowl in the sink" and left without a word. just knowing that happened makes us nauseous with guilt and shame, and we have NOT been able to forgive that yet. why??? because the deed was done. it was awful and disgraceful. how in the world do we clear ourselves of that?? and ironically the answer is, "you forgive that part of yourself." you recognize that THEY were acting out of weakness too, that when they were 'called out' on their bad deed their outburst was ALSO due to intense shame and self-loathing. therefore don't hate them for it even now!! they NEED to be forgiven. you NEED to recognize that they were only trying to alleviate their pain and they made an unwise decision in the process. they needed PATIENCE and maybe a laurie-style grilling session too, to work out the knots in their motivations. yes, Y had good intentions in telling them to stop, BUT ne delivered that message like the grandmother would have-- we think, essentially "i thought you weren't supposed to eat that? you're going to hurt yourself!" to which our immediate response SHOULD have been "i KNOW it's going to hurt me, but right now i'm devastatingly depressed and i dont care if it hurts me or not, i dont know what else to do, i'm just trying to numb myself to everything and i dont want you telling me to stop because i DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO COPE." that's the way that alter ALWAYS responds; that's her function. but that was deemed "situationally inappropriate" and so that same emotional agony was translated into an act of self-hating violence... throwing the accursed bowl into a sink, wishing we could have caused that sort of blunt force trauma to ourself instead, as that probably would have helped.
but yeah. actually writing that out now does help us forgive. and really we DO forgive. always. it's a false mindset that gets in the way of forgiveness, one that is incapable of self-love or any other kind, some numb thick flat thing that is unaware of headspace. they need to get the hell out of the way.

- we've been trying to put into words what the biggest thing about the brother that bothers us is, and i think the term is that he's "ableist"? yes he has depression/anxiety but he's proven himself to be utterly intolerant of "flaws" in other people. he said he was understanding of us being trans* and having d.i.d. for years, but now that he's back home, suddenly he's making subtle jabs at our hormone therapy (is it because he has internalized misandry???) and spitting that we're switching "on purpose" just to "mess with him" or "antagonize him" or the like. i can't forget that line that simeon took like a knife, "i get the feeling that i'm being toyed with," spat at us like a jury condemnation. and repeated, twice. "i don't appreciate being toyed with." shoved back his chair and stomped out of the room, slamming the door. simeon broke down and cried at the stove.
but he and the mother BOTH insist that our d.i.d. is fake and the whole thing is being invented SPECIFICALLY to "mess with their heads" or otherwise manipulate people. the mother has frequently said that i'm "a master manipulator" and that i'm "not sick at all," that i "lie to all my therapists" and "treat therapy like a game" just so i can waste my mother's insurance money. what the hell. what the hell ALL our therapists have SPOKEN to her, either on the phone OR IN PERSON, we went to the hospital over this, and she STILL wakes us up spitting daggers and telling us to "stop this shit! now!" and then telling our grandparents that we are nothing but an evil, evil liar and we are not to be trusted.
i am so sorry if this sounds awful but it feels awful and i need to get it out somewhere. the pain is unbearable at this point because i am trying SO HARD to be honorable and honest and kind, but she and her favorite son STILL act like i'm the last person they want to see, they cringe and glare when i walk into the room, what the hell did i even do, am i really that bad and dont realize it??
d.i.d. makes this so much scarier because i cannot be sure. what with all the switching, and the memory loss, i dont know. no matter how hard I try to be good, i dont know. i dont know if i'm being lied to or not and that is terrifying.
but that's the killer! because although this is HELL on the bad days, i STILL get told constantly that i am "making it up" SPECIFICALLY TO HURT PEOPLE, because they think i get a thrill out of that or some shit. how in the world could you even think that about a person???
but that accusation hurts more than ANYTHING because BOTH the mother and brother have SPOKEN to SEVERAL of us in the past and considered that perfectly legitimate at the time. but now, no, now the mother says all that stuff, and the brother says we're "doing this to psyche him out" and i dont know. i dont know.

but about the ableism. last week, we were talking to him and at one point he cut us off and said, in a very biting voice, "that's called sarcasm. what, do you not understand that either? no wonder you can't talk to normal people."
it was like a slap in the face, psychologically. how do you even respond to that?
he scoffs at our grandparents all the time for their old-age related weaknesses. memory gaps, clumsiness, confusion, not always being the cleanest. god i adore them and i help them however i can, i try to be as patient and gentle as humanly possible with them so it SHREDS me when i instinctively "mirror" something i saw or heard my mom/brother doing, something i DONT WANT TO DO, and have to instantly apologize and make up for.
but he and my mother hate my grandmother and i dont know why. apparently one of us in the past seems to have disliked her because the mother keeps saying "i dont know why you like her all of a sudden" and things like that, the brother keeps saying "dont you remember how evil she is" and no, no i dont. and you know what? even if she was "evil" at one point, she isnt now, and i refuse to think of her that way. yeah she can be a bit closed-minded due to her upbringing. but god she TRIES to be as kind as possible, she tries to learn, and forgive, and open her mind, and god she is doing SO MUCH BETTER than she once did, i am so happy for it. she's not perfect, no-- she still cant understand forgiveness and that does scare me-- but she is trying. she does what she thinks is right and, even if that's unwise at times, she's doing her BEST as it currently is. she's a human being and she has flaws and i am being patient with her and if you meet someone with real sincere kindness they will hopefully respond with the same. maybe i'm too naive but damn it i cannot hate her. and i dont want these two other family members telling me i SHOULD or i'm stupid.
i get that a lot. "dont be so stupid." "how stupid/dumb are you??" etc. jabs at my intelligence and ability to function "properly." i know i struggle with basic things sometimes, especially on very dissociative days. but it hurts when i'm looked at like an animal because of it. please dont tell me you're ashamed to call me a family member, or that you wish you had never had me as a child, or that you dont like who i am now, or things like that. all things considered, yeah i have hellish days still but i am HAPPIER NOW with who i am than i have EVER BEEN and that is REALLY SIGNIFICANT. i never lost my light. i NEVER lost my progress. ever. every day i take another step forward, another step up. i dont quit. so please. at least have the graciousness to acknowledge that. stop seeing me as past failures or faults, or my inability to live up to your view of perfection or intelligence or normalcy. please.
that's all i'm going to say about this for now.

in any case, as of this evening, he's been acting nicer. approachable. the way we remember him being, if only as a vibe, a knowing that "this is him."
but... i dont know. i think he started smoking again. but i wont say a word. at this point, if that is the only thing that will help him calm down, that will take the edge off his suicidal depression and rage, if this will help him be happy again even if only for a bit, as a starting point... then damn it let him do it. that's all i can say right now.
i just want him to be happy, REALLY truly happy. i want him to be glad he's alive. i really do.


- speaking of simeon fronting. i've been checking the archives and i noticed that, a few times this year, he was referred to as SYLVAIN, the "vanilla boy" from 2013 who was his sibling and who died during the massacre of 122713.
Most notably, there was NO slipping into sylvain's name from 122713 to 042815. and that was a mess of a day. there was one more tagged use of that name on 051815 (another awfully spiritually tangled entry) and then NOTHING until last month (0909, 0918, 1018). so i currently have no idea what this is about. but name slips, repeated like this, mean something in some sense. so i have to look into this.
HOWEVER i wonder if sylvain came back and no one noticed BECAUSE he was always so passive??? or if there's SPLINTERING going on here?? because there is a DEFINITE vibe difference. i'm working on a document about it now so i'll keep you posted.


- we're migrating ALL the system member blogs off the old archive tumblr and onto my main. so i have like... twenty sideblogs now, haha. i dont mind. we figured it would be a LOT easier to manage them this way, not only because i dont have to log out for them to log in now, but also because i can follow blogs for them from this account (the archives only follow mental health blogs). so that'll be nice. letting people be more expressive, as freely as they wish, will help us a LOT in terms of self-anchoring. you need to be able to be more frequently, in order to function better. and with all this outside numbness, we're ALL feeling the hurt. so this is a little effort to help.



something i've noticed:
maybe its an aspie thing, but i frequently feel a compulsion to mimic how people talk, exactly as they just spoke. it's overwhelming sometimes.
it's really toxic though because my mother currently speaks in that weird feminine style that's all sibilants and almost baby-talk? but it sounds like hissing, so it actually hurts to hear, like thick needles going into your sternum. it's hot pink and it hurts. why did she start talking like this all the time?
but i'll mimic her. and i'll hate myself for it, because i DONT want to talk like that, but it's something that's been burned into my subconscious for YEARS and it frightens me that it has such roots in there.
but yes, the vocal mimicking is a big thing. it probably ties into how my brain will pick a soundbyte and loop it over and over and over for hours, if not days, and if i can make that sound i'll feel compelled to. if it's music, i can't, but i can sure hum it over and over.
either way i dont know if i ever mentioned that before but there it is.

i heard "peacock" by beirut on my fave radio station the other day, and it was so gorgeous. so last night i listened to that entire album on spotify and gosh, i forgot how much i love that band. their work is so so nice.
but that song in particular has "weight" to it, like it belongs somewhere, in a leagueworld maybe. i'll find out.

i'm listening to punch brothers' entire discography now and i am VERY happy with it. oh my lord the orchestration and technique and sound is all GORGEOUS. gosh i love these guys. thanks spotify for recommending them to me.
i like every single song i've heard so far and that is really impressive! it's fantastic stuff. lots to go yet so i'm looking forward to that.
there are currently 3 front row seats left for their concert but they're $150, haha. i still want to go, dont get me wrong, but i'll have to check for better seats. that's a bit pricey for me bro.


anyway. i'm exhausted. we ATE WELL TODAY so that's good. still had some slips, especially thanks to the morning, but for the most part we did well. and we dont feel sick at ALL right now. thank god. it's so nice.
laurie and cel and chaos 0 keep telling people to take better care of the body and we are trying.

see you kids later.