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[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Mmkay, just moved the nasty tar-energy entry bits to adflixerunt, where they belong. I guess the data in them is still relevant, at least as far as self-improvement topics are concerned, so feel free to read them if you wish (but watch your step, please, as always).

"Game Over" already has 250 plays on my iTunes... I find that absolutely hilarious. I'm not sorry though; it's an absolutely gorgeous and moving song, even if it drives me to tears sometimes, and gives me heartbreaking waking visions. "Miserere" did the same on both points, after all, and you all know how dear that song has become to my heart.

However, as to why I'm updating yet again, I just remembered that some crazy stuff went down during the Divine Mercy mass today-- and some even crazier stuff just happened upstairs but we'll get to that.
First, mass. I've been a dead-eyed emotional chasm for a few days now, and woke up this morning feeling completely empty. Unfortunately that's how I went to church: scraped-out and hollow. That began to change when I found myself face-to-face with a priest for confession, the most important confession of the year as far as indulgences are considered. I stuttered out a mess of an admittance, saying how violent and angry I'd been lately without knowing why, unsure if that would count for anything. As I expected, he told me that God forgives all things, but that if I had hurt anyone with my actions, I needed to go to them and repair what I had damaged.
That's something to think about, I suppose. I've been having a LOT of trouble with empathy lately. When my mom saw the cuts on my legs, she told me a few days later that she couldn't sleep because of it, that she felt she was at fault. I didn't understand that at all; it's obviously not her fault, and why would my damage make her lose sleep? And my grandmother, she worries about everything... when I stay up late she works herself into an insomniac rage until I lay down. I don't understand that either. Why worry about whether or not I'm sleeping? So you see, I can't tell if I've hurt anyone, because I don't understand the concept anymore. I've hurt myself, maybe, sure, what with how I'm sabotaging my integrity. But everyone else? How am I supposed to know whether or not they decided to take offense? I mean, I can definitely apologize to the people I've physically hurt, because that unfortunately has happened too... but even then, it feels wrong and shallow. When I'm in a forgiving state of mind, my thought process is all "why am I apologizing; I'm not responsible for that. As far as my timeline is concerned, that never happened." That's sincerely what I think! So is my identity really fractured that badly, without my knowing? I haven't formed any tangible splinters that I'm aware of, that is, unless the Tar is usurping all the broken-off bits of my psyche... huh. We're getting off topic though... actually, no, not really.
Confession made me feel somewhat better. I thought, "okay, even if that wasn't a model confession, maybe I can still start off with a blank slate here." I stumbled into the dimly-lit bathroom and stared at myself in the tiny mirror, wondering "who am I?" and feeling like life itself was just a dream. (I saw a holographic reflection of a cherry tree last month, right before my surgery... since then, everything feels false. It's messing with my daily life something fierce.) When I entered the church itself, though, I was immediately distracted by the abundance of roses surrounding the white-marble altar, and the pools of stained-glass light spilling into the corners of the room. It felt right, somehow. Resonant. I sat down and closed my eyes for a while.
I kept fighting feelings of inadequacy and irredeemability throughout the mass. I felt like an outcast, like an impostor. I kept half-expecting the priest and speakers to suddenly turn to me and declare my sinfulness, for the congregation to cry out in one righteous voice and drive me out of the church. I felt like I was tainting everyone else's piety and faith simply by being in the room. Why is my faith so strange lately, like melted glass? The rituals I celebrated in my youth feel so strange, now. The recited prayers and mantras feel off. When I dig deep, the motivations are true, but the execution no longer matches up. It's somewhat frightening, as it feels like I'm slipping out of the hands of God.
Anyway. These feelings became bad to the point where I simply sighed and went upstairs for a minute. Immediately I found myself confronting the Tar, who was grinning at me maniacally with the face of my old baseball-capped persona. The event itself is blurry, but oddly, my semi-apathetic state allowed me to face it without fear. Unimpressed, I informed it that my old face did not belong to it. In fact, I suddenly declared, I was going to give that persona a life of its own, since it was splintered beyond belief even when I still identified with it. I began to consciously do so, and the Tar looked shocked, then furious, spitting at me as it clawed at its own visage, trying to hold on to that illusion. It could not, though, so immediately it snapped into the Celebi face. Before it could lunge at me again, I simply added "that's not your face either," clarifying that the "Celebi" I knew in my youth was actually a Jewel Monster with an entirely different personality than the Celebi I had met in headspace last year. Tar immediately snapped that it was because it had created that Celebi, but I shook my head. It had taken advantage of the canon Celebi for its own purposes, is what it truly did. So it had no right to wear that face either. By this point the Tar was in a fury, and after a few more moments of maniacal twisting and raging, it suddenly burst into an awful amalgamation of eyes and teeth, roaring at me with unadulterated hate. Not even flinching, I simply said "also, the eye thing is Infinitii's, not yours." That's when it finally attacked, but before it could reach me, there was a sudden slash of violet, and Laurie was beside me, swinging her axe. She asked what the hell I was doing, while sending a torrent of smaller hatchets to pin the Tar to a far wall. I tried to respond, but to our surprise it jumped back up at us-- and then Leon was there, grinning and assuring us "I got this," before warping us to a random cathedral.
He hit the floor laughing as Laurie and I stumbled to our feet. Laurie asked what the heck he was doing, how is he always showing up when we're in trouble nowadays? Leon smiled and responded that he's been keeping an eye out for us specifically lately. When Laurie demanded more clarification, Leon sheepishly admitted that Josephina had actually asked him to do so-- and then revealed that Jo had actually taken him on as an apprentice. Laurie immediately exclaimed "what?!" (Laurie is teaching Jo, now Jo is teaching Leon) in total surprise, and I know there was a bit of a discussion here on that point, but really my memory isn't so hot as I needed to pull myself back downstairs.
I do remember one more important point from later, though. We were debating what slot I actually fit in. Sure, I KNOW I fit White (and my boss has clearly stated that this is my true position) and I have no problems with it at all, but when I'm in it, I feel detached from the system itself. That wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't still part of the system. Laurie was trying to pull me back into Red to see what would happen, and shockingly I snapped right back to it-- but it felt off, and incorrect somehow. We experimented with this for a while more, but the only conclusion we could come to was this: since Black and White are outside of the Spectrum lineup, there's a possibility that the Red slot is supposed to stay empty when I'm in White, for me to step into when I want to operate as a headvoice again? Because when I'm in the Red slot, I can do a LOT more energetically? Maybe it's just because I'm used to that energy signature, but who knows. I need to be more patient with this in any case, and stop trying to solve everything instantaneously. It's a very bad habit of mine.
Oh yeah... I can't remember when this happened either, but the Tar kept going back to its Razor splinter whenever I wondered about the Red slot's true holder (getting close enough for me to realize that its teeth are literally razors, that's pretty scary). That's what is confusing me the most about this slot mixup though: both the Black and White slots show a strong connection to that color, and ONLY that color. Why? Is that supposed to happen? Also, who the heck IS Razor, really? Remember that she appeared in a legitimate headvoice fashion during that one existentially jarring self-abuse slipup in 2008, right when everything started going downhill. I need to look back into events around that time, it might help to shed some light on this mess. HOWEVER! The Tar DID tell me something extremely important while taunting me about this-- it revealed that it's stealing Julie's Pink slot initially was monumental in significance, because I held Red at that time, and Pink is technically Red mixed with white. It was also the ONLY other slot in the system at that time. By slowly growing to manifestation WITHIN that slot, the Tar was able to attack me more acutely than it would have been able to in any other position, as it was targeting not only my self, BUT my unknown potential!! This ALSO explains the "splinter locks" on the Green, Blue, and Indigo slots in the past (with Bridget, Missy, and Jessica, respectively)-- the Tar created pseudo-headvoices specifically to keep me from accessing those points of the Spectrum. It can't touch Violet, and it "didn't bother with Orange" since it was already screwing with that something fierce. Same with Yellow-- that's the "power slot," which is hilariously evident if you look at the color's role in Dream World (note to self: REVIEW THAT IN LIGHT OF THIS), and I felt utterly powerless for most of my past thanks to both the Tar AND its outside influences taking control of my life. This is also why Jo needs to talk to me more; I've never been comfortable with the color as a result and that needs to change dude. But THAT is why Tar pretending to be a Celebi and doing what it did to me was so excruciatingly painful-- when it did so, it effectively hijacked the Chartreuse slot, which is between Yellow and Green-- power and compassion. The Tar was using that slot to try and attack my heart. So thank God it's out of there!! Jeepers. It also means we have to be extra-careful in watching that slot now; the Spectrum has three empty slots left: Red (which is one hell of an anomalous color right now), Chartreuse, and I think Cerise? It's the red-pink midslot, whatever it ends up being called. Mr. Sandman, IF he is part of the System and not just my badass boss, MIGHT be Silver?? That would make him a neutral, balancing force between Infinitii and I, which is oddly fitting. So we shall see. In any case, Chartreuse and Cerise are both midslots as well, which means they HAVE to be filled by outspacers. I'm not sure if there's a "source parallel" going on or not, but since Ryou and Marik are from the same native world, as are Genesis and Spine, does that mean one of those two will be from the Sonic universe (where Chaos is from), and one will be from Rosewindow (where Mr. Sandman is from)?? I guess we'll find out eventually. I'm going to try not to have any influence in the matter, and just let it happen. The last thing we need is me screwing things up like I did with the Tar-Celebi, because I think I know what I'm doing. I really don't, not with how weird my life is. So I'm going to surrender this matter to whatever divine force is orchestrating the whole thing, and see what happens.
By the way! I also figured out why White and Black feel wrong when I view them as solid tones. They're not supposed to be! The Black slot is supposed to operate as a combination of all colors in the "substance" sense (like mixing paints), NOT as an "absence of light" (which is what the Tar is)... and the White slot is supposed to operate as a combination of all colors in the light sense (White splits into ALL colors when run through a prism-- for some reason that feels HUGELY important as a detail, especially since the word "prism" keeps jumping out at me lately), NOT as an absence of all pigmentary colors! This also explains why both Infinitii and I have oddly iridescent overlays to us when we're tuned-in. I was wondering about that, haha.
Lastly... I have no idea what happened here, but I think there was another really bad Tar ambush during one of the Razor incidents, because I have this weird little floating memory of being surrounded by Tar and then suddenly, Infinitii was there? But it was specifically at a point where my color was slipping, because I desperately reached out to hir, said that "this can't be right, you're so much better than I am," and flipped our energy balances. Infi protested when ze realized what was happening, but in a flash, suddenly ze turned pure white. It was beautiful, it felt so right to see that, but just as quickly, I began to blacken. Infi actually got a look of legit "oh hell no," and immediately knocked us down into our bubblespace. Immediately ze began tearing huge stringy slabs of tar from me (apparently it was only surface-level yet, thank God), calmly though, and tossing them in the corner. It did this until it was all gone, then simply asked me why I had done that. I replied, emptily, that I didn't deserve to hold the White slot. I was too corrupted, too bad of a person. Infi reminded me that we were made of the same stuff, and stated that I was not a bad person: I was as good as ze was. I didn't believe this, but was too tired to debate it. I think right around here, though, Infi realized that our inner "balances" of opposite energy were starting to react. Ze actually looked somewhat scared for a moment, as it was now holding black, the same stuff that was corrupted in me. I was the one to act, though-- the last thing I wanted was for hir to suffer through that because of me flipping our slots temporarily, even if I did feel ze deserved mine instead. I wasn't the one in control of this after all. So I hurried up and pulled hir close, forcing a ricochet flip, and restoring our actual colors. Infi looked at me sadly then, and I remember wondering that hir color didn't seem right. Sure enough, it wasn't; Infi suddenly noticed that some Tar had stuck to hir in response to this whole fiasco. However, instead of peeling it off like ze did with me, ze told me to stand back, and then suddenly started concentrating intensely. Infinitii then literally burned the Tar away with sheer willpower. That was awesome as hell to watch, it literally dissipated like boiling water. After that, we spoke for a little longer, and I mentioned my red concern, since we both had bits of the color on us yet. I think Infi responded that it was because Red was the "life" slot in terms of color roles? B&W held it because that's where the Spectrum sprang from initially, I suppose. It made sense. Also Infi clarified that the Spectrum is NOT a straight line, or even a rainbow arc-- it is a circle, an infinite loop! Although it may have started with Red and Pink, technically there was no beginning or end to it, and since B&W were in the center, we were at equal closeness with EVERY color in the system, not just red. I found that pretty awesome. But that's all I can remember of that whole chain of events. Lastly I just want to add that the feeling of being pushed out of bubblespace is pretty sweet.

As for what happened right before I started typing this entry, uh... that was me talking to Infinitii again too, but this time about my inner energy being tainted yet. Infi said it was doing a lot better, but it wasn't something we could solve overnight. Lucky for me, at the time I was actually feeling somewhat "in sync" downstairs, despite feeling sick (go figure), which helps me tune into White better. So we tried cleaning up that energy a little more while I was in a state of mind where it was possible.
I will say two things about that: one, there wasn't a lot of Black in there in any sense, so I think we literally have to get me completely empty before we can fix that for good. That's gonna be weird, and it might take a while, but progress is being made. Second, I didn't know it was possible to eat energy colors?? But apparently it is! Seriously Infi gave me this handful of luminous white energy and was all "you need to swallow this." I shrugged and decided okay, cool, I trust this thing, let's give it a shot. So that was a surprise-- but nowhere near as big as the shock I got when I immediately got positive reaction from it DOWNSTAIRS? Seriously, I got a tangible physical waverush; it literally felt as if consuming it had instantaneously washed out a good deal of lingering energetic heaviness. I still feel oddly tingly and floaty, which is really cool. Unfortunately Infi had to do the opposite?? Apparently ze's trying to convert all the tarry Black energy stuck in me by eating it. Yes, that's a thing ze can do, which is pretty badass, but I still feel bad as I KNOW how painful that stuff is to consume (Infi insists ze's "used to it" though, and not to worry).
Good news though: Infi has informed me that the more progress we make here, the less intensive the clearing process needs to be in the future. The first one was CRAZY, this one was pretty nuts as well, but I guess #3 will be a walk in the park, haha. Let's hope so... I miss working exclusively with headspace energy, but Infinitii told me that we HAVE to bring my physical awareness into the clearing process at first because that's where the blockages are. So we have to play by the rules until those blocks dissipate (which, apparently, is happening slowly but surely, as long as I don't let them reform, or allow any new ones to manifest). Infi sternly warned me not to react to this whole process either: tarry reactions, like hateful judgments, rage, and guilt, were what we were trying to get rid of, and so allowing them to spring back to life immediately after was not smart at all! It's tricky, as we're exacerbating that stuff by trying to purge it, but that's a part of any healing process, so we can deal.
GEEZ though am I ever glad I got this little dude torn out of my ribcage, holy shuppetcakes. Being around hir really helps me believe-- sincerely-- that I'm not a bad guy. For hir sake, and the sake of the rest of the Spectrum, I'm going to try to keep that in mind always now. I've slipped a lot over the past year, but I know that no one is ever truly lost. I mean, seriously, just look at Julie. She's a big source of hope for me, too... which is somewhat ironic, as she technically wouldn't even be in the Spectrum right now if I hadn't interceded on her behalf. I need to remember things like that, too.
...Laurie restored that scar on her neck, too (remember they were healed last year). I asked why, wasn't that a remnant of darker times? She said yes, technically it was, but more than that... more than anything, it was a reminder of how much love I held in me, even when I insisted I didn't have any at all. It was a reminder to her of exactly what she was protecting with her very life. After all, if I hadn't healed her enough to cause a scar, well... she wouldn't be with us right now. Hearing that from her meant a lot to me. It really, truly did.
This is why I love my weird life, when all is said and done. Stuff is just too great.

Last minute random update: I am proud of myself, as I watched my first ten minutes of Doctor Who the other day, finally! Now I just need a job so I can get Netflix and watch ALL of it one day... that is, if I ever get over my loathing of televisions, haha. I'm just tired of staring at screens man, computers are bad enough.


Now I actually have class tomorrow morning, and if I go to sleep right now I'll just barely get seven hours of sleep, so yeah. Gotta run son!



It's a curse in a cycle of misbelief,
and it keeps on happening.
A tradition, a trail of deceit.
I never stopped and questioned,
"Why is it so damned hard to find
anyone who can get behind
such a simple plot?"
Keep your eye on the prize.

Think what you want.
Believe what you think.
Know what you believe
'cause it's all misconceived.
And I asked you for nothing.
Nothing but, "Why?"
"Because" isn't an answer,
it's just a reply.