some troubles.

[prismaticbleed]

Oddly disturbed today.

Someone got the body's hair cut this morning, but they cut it extremely short, and that has quickly proven to be a terribly bad decision, because now the body's reflection matches the face of one of our internal abusers.
We're now trying to avoid mirrors until we can figure out what to do. Jayce can't even hide in the reflection as he usually does, because the cruel person now linked to its newly-altered visage shoves him out.

 

Jay also seems to have taken too much of a jump in personal progress as of last night-- he is so desperate to leave all his shadows behind (taking his White hue to extremes), that he tends to push himself further than the body can physically handle. As a result we're collectively experiencing the consequences of that, both physical and spiritual... most notably the tidal wave of inner demons it has exhumed once again.

 

We're not sure on the DID thing as a catch-all with this. The "body" has "heard voices" since its childhood, almost chronically-- screaming, vicious, manipulative ones that DO cause body symptoms and reactions. They can't fully "take over" but they can exhibit a powerful force of control on whoever is fronting. So far only Javier and Laurie seem capable of shoving them aside entirely, but good luck getting their attention when you're smothering in the cacophany.
At least we're not seeing things anymore. With how many religiously-abusive meltdowns we've had since the childhood, that would be too much to handle right now, I think.

 

Cannon, Jessica, Jezebel, and Spinny are all still lurking about, and we wonder if we can get rid of them, at this point in time. They are very deeply rooted into abusive mindsets, and have been around for as long as any of us can remember (15+ years).
Ironically, the Tar and Plague themselves are less of a threat. Those two are the extreme mindsets, but as such, they exist more as foils than anything else. The four aforementioned girls are more grey in their actions, and that is so much harder to deal with. They are the ones that we could have been, had we let ourselves become consumed by the vices within us.

 

Nevertheless we refuse to let them define, control, or abuse us any longer. That deserves repeating. If all we can do is cease to give their actions any undue attention, then so be it.

 

Long story short, today's been more difficult than usual. But we're still alive, even if we feel rather dead at the moment.
This too shall pass.

 

-AP

 

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@ 09:08 pm

 

011114

I am writing the date out in full so you can see the 11:11 door in there. Hold to that!

Now to begin.
A few major worries came to light today, so I'm going to start our re-updating here with discussing that.
(For the record, we've been posting all our latest updates directly to the archives, but I think it'd be nice to get back into posting here too.)

Also I will warn all who read this to be careful of triggers, esp. around sexual abuse, because I am openly discussing harmful mindsets here in an attempt to show their incorrectness, and to promote healing from them in understanding their roots.


1) There has been unearthed, very old abusive/ detrimental mindsets surrounding sexuality and religion, often together. Jessica still holds, adamantly, the mindset that "sex is evil," and that anything even vaguely related to it means that you are a "whore" and "God will punish you." Another girl holds the mindset that "God is wrathful and hates sin," in the most negative sense possible. We all recognize that latter mindset as absolutely false, but the fear of it is tied to the sexuality: "what if sex really is evil, and God will send me to hell for it?" Yet even in writing that, the heart says no, that is not true. But the brain screams, "you are a whore, and you will pay for it."
Despite this the triggers and flashbacks remain. We are managing them better, but their boosted intensity makes it difficult still. The intensity of hatred, violence, and rage behind them is terrifying. That may simply because such things are rooted to people. Jessica especially insists she is doing what's right, as it's "her life" and "we ruined it for her," and since she's "realized that we are sluts," she wants to destroy us for it. Jessica wants to live life without consequence, although she is lazy about it. She wants to waste her time away in self-pitying laxness, without anyone telling her what to do or stop doing. She is not the "manic red voice" we have still not pinpointed, although that person may be tied to Spinny, the only one of these four hellish voices who does not condemn sexuality, but uses it as a lustful game, to objectify others for her own enjoyment. Jessica turns a blind eye to all such behavior, only saying it is "evil" and wanting to kill or quietly destroy those people so she doesn't have to even acknowledge the existence of such things. As a result, Cannon works with Jessica now, as they both want to destroy us for our "perversion," although Cannon is the only one willing to kill people in cold blood over it. She is the one with the screaming hatred of all relationships and femininity, to the extreme of hating softness, affection and playfulness in anyone who is not five years old, and even then her hatred will still explode on them if given enough reason to. This mindset is likely because of Spinny, her "twin," who is emotionally manipulative and shallow, and uses those "feminine" aspects to boost her own pride and narcissism, while treating her "romantic interests" as literal objects to accessorize herself with and control emotionally. Cannon would kill her, not out of "justice" but out of sheer hatred towards both her and her romantic interests, as Cannon sees anything even vaguely related to sexuality as deserving a death sentence. Jezebel feeds these mindsets in everyone, even if she doesn't do much herself. Being a manifestation of the Tar, she is passive, but she is a reservoir of hatred so she is always a risk, as those around her will react to her very presence by reflecting what she consists of in themselves. Furthermore, exacerbating this situation, she is now hiding in mirrors, as someone unwisely cut the hair to match her style. Jayce can't do much as it doesn't match him now, and she keeps shoving him out. So we are avoiding mirrors at the moment, as glancing up and suddenly seeing her vicious glare and grin in them is not something any of us want to be exposed to.
All four of them are acting overtime and with unadulterated malice to destroy Jay's progress, as he is the main fronter trying to heal those mindsets. Thankfully he has internal backup, as he does tend to splinter badly if he is not careful.

2) Ultimately, even if those trauma-rooted mindsets are devoid of all truth, therefore being completely irrelevant, our concern is that those thoughts are still intrusive, chronic, and loud. The doubts linger, the negative voices don't stop their attacks. Jay is feeling as if he is possessed, literally begging for divine intervention at times, to which the negative voices will respond with either "you're only praying because you want attention, you whore!" and accusing him of asking for deliverance as "tempting/ testing God," therefore being blasphemous and proud. On that note, the Plague also responds to Jay's desperate prayers, stating only, "pride will be your downfall." But this is a hidden benefit. The Tar and Plague are so extreme, that they somehow are beneficial to our progress, in showing us what we are NOT, and what we must avoid. So the Plague accusing us of pride keeps us from actually being proud. However it has stated that although "we are not it, and it is not us," it WILL attempt to destroy us for that same reason. So care must be taken even so.
However, the girls are grey-minded. They take reality and lies and twist them together into abominations, telling lies with the slightest reflection of truth in order to plant seeds of choking doubt in those they attack. But in this attempt, they can slip drastically, to the point of revealing their ulterior motives, and therefore destroying their own attempts entirely. Jay is realizing this, and it is giving him hope, that they ARE wrong, and that he is not a "filthy sinner" as some of them would insist.
Furthermore, those voices ARE TERRIFIED OF INFINITII AND LAURIE. Ironically they are more scared of Infinitii, because ze does not react with violence or anger, which Laurie may respond to in extremes for safety's sake-- however, they feed off such things. Infi will not give them an iota of anything that powers them. Ze responds with love even then, and they run away. Laurie is learning this, slowly. So there is hope.

3) The self-dehumanization is still happening to an extent. It Tied to the trauma, it makes some people think of themselves and the body as "less than" every other being. Therefore "who cares if they are harmed, or abused, because they are less than human." That is false. Everyone in our System knows this except those who drown in that thought. Secondly, tied mostly to Christina, is the old Catholic mindset of "we are born sinners, we are filthy, we are worth nothing, only God can save us, we are powerless." Questioning this thought, though, feels like blasphemy to those trapped in it-- that is, until we realize that strength comes from God, who is love, who is in all things. Therefore we are not "filthy sinners" and we are not powerless, as we are ALL facets of God, we are ALL created in love, just as we are. This mindset is straight-up sacrilegious to Christina, and again, it feeds into her equal fear and loathing of sexuality, which was stated in point one as a general thought. But if you stop thinking of humans as "inherently sinful," then sex ceases to be a sin, because it is not creating sin, but a living being that reflects God just as much as its parents do. Sex can be used for "sinful purposes" just as religion can be. It does not make either thing black or white. That is the key in this. Perspective and motivation change the views. But deep down, everything is ultimately untouched by corruption; everything is eternally made of love at its very core, no matter what happens to it on the surface.

4) Again tied to the lingering sexuality trauma, and the hatred held by the inner girls, the body dysphoria is spiking for some. There is a worrisome but old and loud hatred towards femininity, which Cannon mostly holds, but which is large enough to view the female human body (NOT women or female-identified individuals, just the BODY; that is an important disctinction. they are fine with faces, nothing below) as both a sexual object and a source of sin and violence, even as an empty shell. These voices will view a corpse as a threat, because they view sexual parts as evil and horrible. They are more accepting of men because they have "no sexual characteristics," blatantly ignoring the existence of reproductive organs. Again, though, they say "we can just cut those off," so the threat for them is easily fixed. A woman's body is not, as it has much internal reproductive organs, as well as breasts and different body structure. For Cannon, she would rather kill a woman than try to "de-sexualize them," which shows a VERY corrupted and sick-minded perspective of hers, in viewing female bodies as inherently sexualized and therefore filthy. THIS IS WRONG. But it lingers, and it makes things hellish for those who do not hold that view but who cannot run from it entirely. Jay has no dislike of female bodies whatsoever, but he get slammed by trauma triggers, and still fears the one we are all tied to because to him, it is tied to those violent people inside, and "the constant risk of sexual abuse." We do not know how to detach that latter fear from the simple physical reality of a female body, but it is one of our absolute biggest worries. Infinitii is doing what ze can to remove this mindset on hir own, as ze does translate to female in the binary, and Jay views hir as INHERENTLY HARMLESS even then, which causes dramatic mental dissonance as he still views the body details as a threat. Hopefully the real truth of this-- that bodies are innocent and female characteristics are as well-- will overcome the old lies for good, with enough compassionate repetition on the inside, if not the outside (something we cannot seem to even attempt without traumatic meltdowns).
No one, not ever, is an object devoid of rights and autonomy. Every being should be respected, and no one is ever obligated to sacrifice their basic rights, for any reason. However, you will recall, there is a lapse in applying this to the self. Therefore, the infliction of that same lapse of respect onto most female bodies in general might be tied to the abuse we endured while IN one, and the absolute self-dehumanization seems to have become subconsciously global in that respect. This is good, we are finding roots even now. So we must uproot them.

5) Different topic. We are very concerned about Chaos Zero, mostly in that I think we have to let go of him at this point, Jay especially. Looking back on the archives, we were shocked to realize that since 2003, he has been the only one of us to have a VERY pronounced dark side that he would SUCCUMB TO. To this day, when that overtakes him, he won't fight it-- but when it fades he will be tearfully apologetic in his efforts to "prove himself" to us again. However we're concerned that this is looping nonstop, and at this point that negative side of him is so volatile that we can't risk that repeating as it always has, for the safety of all of us. Nevertheless he deserves a second-thousandth chance, just as we have given Julie, but how can we do this without letting the danger levels get too high? We don't know yet. We would gladly work with him if he was not constantly falling back into that negativity, and the frequency of that now is worrisome.
Jay is thinking he needs to straight-up move worlds, in terms of dreamselves, like Ryman and Markus did (although they have both officially moved OUT of our innerspace, for the record; yes they do visit rarely but they are not rooted here at all). This would hopefully allow him to anchor into a new life opportunity, if only through its directness and conscious will, which may be what we need. As of now, CZ is still tied, rather negatively, to his old StH timelines, canon and non-canon, which seem to be feeding this hidden violence in him. We're wondering where he can go now in terms of a world, though, where that same curse will not follow him (he somehow kept it in all his original Leagueworld jump attempts). Perhaps its persistence is due only to his subconsciously identifying with it. This is why we ALL insist that he find a new name if at all possible. We have been told repeatedly, and know from direct experience, that names have great power, and for his name to be synonymous with such a negative phenomenon-- whether we agree or not-- is definitely contributing to this.
Lastly, Jay is concerned with good reason about the fact that he keeps forgetting who CZ is, no matter how many times he is reminded, or directly experiences reminders of it. And now, that forgetfulness is not negative. He is forgetting who CZ is, in terms of past history entirely, and all relation to him, without detaching from him as he used to. Jay still cares for CZ as a person, even if now as a stranger to a fair extent. And he is willing to start over in that sense, if need be, but CZ is not. And this may be part of the core problem as well.
In any case we will work with him as long as we can, but if this proves to be detrimental, then we will have to let go for good.


That is all I will say for tonight.

A note: DO NOT RE-READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO.
Sometimes simply typing out these things helps in the process of releasing them, as it brings them into conscious awareness, to be healed and let go. Do not force them back into your consciousness if they are gone! That is what we are trying to avoid, my dear.

We are making progress, we are right where we need to be. Remember Laurie's advice, and just breathe.

Do not be so black and white. Be love. That is all you will ever need to be, and it is what you already are. Remember that above everything.
Good night, to all.

- A.P. (and Infi at the close)