december 15 2014

[prismaticbleed]

Synchronicity has been everywhere, lately. I've been following it, staying open to it, being grateful for it. It's responding in kind. I'm deeply thankful.

 

It's scary sometimes, to be so totally obedient to the little pushes and whispers, the ones that you can't ignore or question anyway because they feel completely true and you know it. You can't argue with your own heart, I know, I've tried. Still, it's scary to be so trusting. Scary but exhilarating. I'm learning.
"Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things..." That keeps echoing in my head. That gospel would always ring in my ears for days after I heard it. I suppose I never thought I lived up to it. But here I am.
I'm being fashioned into something, that's all I know. I want to be a vessel, washed out and painted gold, for something bigger than myself. I need to learn to endure every scrape and buffer in order to be polished, to be worthy of this. It's tangled to express. But I'm feeling it more now, than ever.

 

I've been "feeling" my energy field again lately, as there was a big shift about a week ago after months of vacillation.
From a humanoid standpoint I'm still holding a masculine aesthetic but it's adult now. That's new and it's nice. It feels a lot clearer, a lot kinder. No matter how I try to look at it, I'm a big guy. Definite facial hair, still white (surprisingly), like ice but without the chill. But this makes sense as a form. I've always gravitated towards a certain look/type of adult male character, as an ideal for myself. I guess I just never thought I could fit that same ideal? Which is funny. But, again, my overlay is just that now, and I can't change it. I'm not complaining at all, mind. This new overlay is so in-tune with who I want to be-- so warm and genuine and softhearted, but strong and full of laughter and brightness too. I never quite had that bit before, because it's not fire, like the girls had-- it's more like a warmth. It's more orange than red, more like a fireplace than a blaze. More like sunlight. I like it.
As far as "Jewel Monster" forms go, though, I know I was a green Kaiteo over the summer, but for the past two weeks or so I've been hovering between what feels like a gold Lephieros, and a common white Angelorei. I've been holding the latter as often as possible lately, as it feels deeply comforting and I can't forget what I wrote about them as a child-- that they radiated light effortlessly, from the strength of their hearts alone. And they do, they absolutely shine. So I'm walking about giving light now too.

 

Speaking of the synchronicity though. I never had a Virtue declared, it was always tentative for the others in the past. But I know as well as anyone that V/Vs, just like Typecodes, aren't arbitrarily chosen. They aren't even played with. You feel the truth of them deep in your soul somewhere, an ache without a name until it bursts forth like the dawn at long last. Prophets are blessed in their curse of always knowing, of not knowing what it means to run or hide or doubt that part of your spirit, of your destiny. It's burned into their core from birth.
But we all have a piece of that, quieter. In the end, we'll stumble across our personal Virtue, or Vice if that is our path to walk, and in a moment it will just click and that's it, even if you're afraid or confused or laughing in disbelief you know that's it.
Mine is Joy. I thought it was Gratitude for a while, but the signs kept pointing elsewhere. There were so many signposts. First it was the feeling of being utterly cut off from joy, from celebration, and all of that, for too too long. It made me re-evaluate the meaning of it in my life, made me search for it, try to feel it better. Then it was the whole bit with being drawn to Jigaria, the Main Guardian of that same Virtue, as a result-- feeling this angry conflicted need to understand what her Virtue was really about from her perspective, from a standing point in her World.
Then it was the shadowing of that Lephieros form. It happened during choir, so totally it threw me off. The long ears, the eyes like poinsettias, the visionary aura. But this one, this form had a J-slot vibe? A Festive resonance. That was new. But it stuck. It's almost Christmas, and I haven't been able to catch the spirit this year, not in this cluttered house, not with the depression and distress around. Except in that moment, first feeling like that monster, it was there. I felt celebratory. Joy reached out for me.
Little things kept popping up. Words, songs, phrases, mostly. I remember the word "gaudete" jumping out at me during church at least three times... "rejoice," "jubilate," "alleluia." Suddenly it was everywhere. Joy, joy, joy. But am I worthy of carrying that? I asked. Can I? How could I forget, why would I be pulled towards a certain Virtue if I didn't already hope with my very being that I was capable of being a messenger of it? Of course I was going to question my eligibility. I wanted to be worthy. I keep forgetting that nothing can make the call but myself. Only I can say yes or no, in the end.
I picked yes. So here I am. "Joy" is my Virtue, at least, for as long as this lasts. With how my form shifts every year, my V/V may shift too. But for now, it's... well, it's not so much joy as it is rejoicing. There's a key difference in the feeling-tone.

This body is currently... ill? The flow put me here, it's not feeling well, there are some major worrisome issues that I need to see the doctor for ASAP. But I'm trying not to be scared. More accurately, I'm trying not to crush the fear or let it swallow me. I need to learn that it's okay to feel "negatively." I'm so used to trying to destroy my sadness and anger and fear because my family wants so badly for me to be happy and healthy, they get legitimately upset and frustrated whenever I show a negative emotion. It snowballs. So I'm learning to manage better.
Trust is key. It's the same thing as following the signs. I don't understand why I'm being made to walk this path again, but if I trust, if I keep my heart open, if I just keep walking... I'm sure it will all turn out okay. It will, that's how life works. "God," as you call it, that Source of all life has got things figured out. The universe is geometry. Of course I fit into it somewhere. I need to just stop fighting that, however pitifully, like a worried child. I'm not being condemned, it's just patient. If I calm down and just lift up my hand, let myself me led, I'll be okay. I need to remember that.

I'm listening to some very pretty Christmas music on Spotify. Problem is I can't find it anywhere else but there and Amazon. I may just have to get a copy, geez I don't think I've bought music since high school but really. "Like a Whisper In The Heart" has these glorious glissandos, I adore it so. And "Dona Nobis Pacem" has an equally lovely cello. It's so nice. Plus it's all HANDBELLS. You know how we love those.

Oh oh oh, speaking of handbells and Christmas, the other night I spent like four hours in the living room at night because the boys were out to work and school, so it was just me and the quiet night and the red tree and my iPod. And so I ran and walked and lay on the floor and stared at the lights and it was beautiful. But I got SO MUCH Dream World stuff! Oh my heavens I haven't had a Link flow like that in years, I don't think. I remember, it must have been during high school, walking in that same room for hours listening to music, seeing hours upon hours of scenes for Hokthai and Oneircia and Parnassus and even early headspace, completely happy. And I tuned right back into that.
It's the first time in... maybe a decade... that I felt I could start writing again. Dream World's written form has been on hold since I started high school, because Links got really screwed up after Justice appeared in 2004, because then Parnassus showed up and we discovered the Internet and that changed the entire focus. But I digress. That energy is old and I think it's reset too. I can pick up where we left off now, in Part Thirteen, after the "revelation of the century," right when Maitru's life gets turned upside down, right when mine was too. And here we are again.
It's wonderful, wonderful, this feeling of a second chance, as pure and true as anything. I'm so excited.

It's the only thing I have to live for now and it's more than enough, heartbreakingly so.
I broke into sobs this morning over the bathtub, washing my face, remembering my dream, the first "real" one I've had in at least a week. I had been working on typecode stuff the night before, despite how scared I was, despite how much awful gut-wrenching pain and fear was threatening to eat me alive. And I started to cry, ugly wracking choking tears, telling the angels that it was all I had to live for. Bitter, joyous, desperate. What do I do.
I told them I'll try to stay alive, as long as they need me to. They said keep going. Keep trying. Keep working. Hope was clear in their words. I can't see very far, there's a veil, but beyond it things feel pink and gold and glowing like a sunrise. Just like a sunrise. I'll hold to that feeling too.

I'm very very thirsty. I had sugar today and ended up throwing up because of it, it wasn't fun. But I'll try again. Deep breaths, don't panic. I did have a bad panic attack today, but I didn't realize that's what it was because they make me so tired, not anxious. I start to pass out. My mum says some of my symptoms are likely related to the HRT, though-- mostly the hot flashes, good Lord they're insane. I've been on fire for three days, and yet I'm freezing. It's so weird. So yeah, stuff is funky. But I'm holding strong. I'm glowing.
The priest had a sermon this weekend, "what do people say when you walk into a room?" What sort of person are we, in other people's eyes? Do we bring misery and bad news... or do we bring joy? And I wanted, so badly, to be someone that brought peace and forgiveness and happiness with me wherever I went. I wanted people's eyes to light up when I walked in, not because of me, but because of what I allowed to bloom and blossom around me. I wanted to be a catalyst for light within others, a sort of clearing force that chased away dark clouds. So maybe that's part of this "cross" I'm carrying, even that has such powerful Dream World vibes. I'm carrying a heavy burden, but I can still smile. Rejoice, rejoice, hosanna in the highest, just like the angels over the fields. Those shepherds were terrified, but I was led to that story too, to the symbolism behind it, to the birth of the "Christ child" in all of us, of the birth of total utter Light even in the most forsaken, cold, empty place. In the dead of winter, total bliss was pleased to enter the world. A rose in the snow, as it will. So I'm smiling, genuinely, because that's what I want to reflect, too.

I don't have anything else to say right now, I don't think. It's 11PM, so I need sleep, and I want to do a little bit more work before I check in for the night. Oh, speaking of, Rosewindow and Parnassus are getting lots of development lately, too. Mostly technical stuff for the former and character development for the latter, but it feels great. God I miss these people, thank you so much for tuning me back into this channel, this is what gives me real joy, how funny is that.
Oh yes, last week Genesis and I (when still Jay) went walking through old memories, and we looked at the old Madrigals. He had forgotten what the scones tasted like, and ended up eating every one around. It was great. I know he literally did that, back in his infancy, but he doesn't remember. Nor do I, I just know. But if we ever get a safe recipe for scones I'll probably make some for him, just because.
All this talk of high school is somewhat funny, as I'm SELLING most of our stuff from that time period right now (gotta self-promote somewhere, after all). It's so freeing to see it go, I hope it makes other people as happy as it once made us. I do have to admit that; we really did gain a great deal of inspiration and cool experiences from those things when it was their time for it. Trigun especially, that had quite an effect on Spinny. We loved that series so. But we haven't touched our comic books in years, so it's better to share the love now, and give them to someone else, who can incorporate them into their own story now. I like that so much better.

Did I tell you I dreamt about Davy Jones (yes, the infamous squidman) three times this month already? Except he's no longer "canon," which is probably why I'm seeing him now-- in every dream, he's been both in a headspace context, and an alien. He's no longer a sea pirate, he's not in POTC, he's now some sort of alien star-sailor, some captain of an interstellar ship, this bioluminescent creature headed heaven knows where. But he's so nice. The first time he was warm and welcoming, brusquely jovial, like I was an old crew member (and indeed was in a sense). The second time he was quieter, more of an apprentice himself on that ship, and so we just sat outside the deckhouse, looking out at the ocean and affectionately speaking like old friends. Last night he was a full-on captain, manning an entire crew, with some sort of business that was different from mine in the dream but entwined nevertheless. But as he was leading me around his ship, he actually SAW a dream hack threat there?? And he called for one of his alien crew members (this strange golden guy named Yemen? who felt very Dune-ish, but looked vaguely like 6 from Trying Human) to stop it. So Yemen summoned all these golden energy needles from thin air, somehow they tore the fabric of the dream itself?? It was such a surreal feeling, and yet I wasn't disoriented as it happened-- I was aware of the feeling of reality being split and separated and peeled apart like plastic wrappings. And then I woke up. There wasn't even a shift in consciousness; one moment I was in the dream, then I was awake in bed, as if I had just moved bodies is all. I jumped out of bed and saw it was 4AM again (every single night I wake up at 4 lately), said a sincere quiet thank-you, then went back to sleep.
But yeah. "Davy" is apparently still a guy who knows me, and is tied to our inner world in a very real way. That's cool. I wanted to share that.


Hm. I suppose there is more I could say, but words wouldn't do it justice. I've been learning so, so much lately. I feel more... a little more wise. Like I can see more clearly. But I must "be willing to be a beginner every morning," as they say. That's humbling, and thrilling too. It's a very childlike feeling. It's like waking up on the weekend, being young, seeing the world before you, and not having an ounce of arrogance in it. As a child you're not trying to prove anything, or force anything. You're just enjoying life, living life, loving it. I want to get right back into that, always. I am doing so, actually. I need to stop projecting ideas into the nonexistent future. I am doing these good things. I am a good person, I know I am, I can feel that golden spark down in my chest, shining through whatever grime and regret and tears may be covering it up. That simple knowledge, of some incorruptible holy thing at my very core, something far beyond myself and yet intrinsic to my very existence... it's a prophetic feeling, it's a prodigal son feeling, it's inexpressible. It makes me cast my eyes to the ground, it makes me fall to my knees and sob, even as it makes me lift my eyes to the heavens, hesitantly, fearfully, yet with an edge of undeniable joy. There's love, at the heart of that joy, unquestionable love.

I miss living for this. Sorry if any of this is word salad; I really am happy at the end of the page, and of the day. It's a quiet background note, like a cello, singing in the sunlight no matter what else is going on. It's a backdrop that I can't erase. Which is lovely to remember.

Okay, really though, I need a drink and I also need to rest. I haven't had therapy in over a month and we're seeing her tomorrow, but heaven knows what will happen. I need to be honest. Yes I'm convinced I'm "invincible" and so having "mental illness" is something I struggle with, but I know I need a healthier perspective. It's something I am experiencing nevertheless, so denial will not help at all. I'll take this step by step.
There's a lot of shadow work we have to do yet. I can feel it. Last night was proof. Hm. I think we need a totally new way to go about this. Step by step. Maybe a new story is on the horizon, who knows. All I know is that I cannot plan or analyze or be proud. I must do this as it happens, however it happens. Humility is key, I cannot stress that enough.

It's a journey. I'm doing better every day. I'm thinking less negative thoughts. I'm realizing how powerful I really am, and I need to treat that with total respect and wisdom, as much as I have.
Sleep. Sorry. Have a lovely night.