011109

[prismaticbleed]

My mother and grandmother woke me up with tears and screaming today.
I'm so sick of seeing them suffer, especially when I'm the cause.
No one should have to suffer because of a senseless jerk like me.
I don't know how to relieve that pain, though.
Suicide solves nothing. I've always known that, and besides I have a massive Xor complex so I can't kill myself even if I wanted to. I want to go out like he did... giving up his life to save someone.
Couldn't tell my mother any of that, though. Can't tell the therapists, as they write everything that you can't touch off as "imaginary."
That means nothing. It just has a different reality.
They wouldn't believe a word I said, so I can say nothing.
I can't tell them that my dreams are full of death and emptiness.
I can't tell them that I saw a demon as a child.
I can't tell them that Laurie's job is to make sure I suffer.
I can't tell them that Julie rapes me whenever I try to sleep.
I can't tell them that I'm a sexless and ageless celibate.
I can't tell them about anyone that I love.
I can honestly say that yes, no one understands me.
I think it's because I'd be terrified if they did.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


@7:34PM

I apologize in advance for being a whiny jerk, but I figured I'd actually write this stuff in my online journal for once.


So my id keeps harassing me, leaving me empty and crying in a corner for my superego whenever she shows up.
She's never been this loud before. She's talking to us now.

Unfortunately, my superego gets terribly pissed because I'm terribly weak and I always seem to let that pink bitch take advantage of me.
My superego takes her anger out on my id, and she's merciless... but then she turns towards me, every time.
Take it like a man, she says, and laughs. Or not.

One for every sin.

I don't know how or when it got this bad, but I've been shivering in this hell for ages now and I just wish it could end quickly. I don't want to wait another year... I don't even want to wait another month. This is too much.


In the meantime, life outside my head isn't much better. College is killing me in more ways than just financially, and my family life is quite literally falling apart at the seams.
That scares me. 2007 was normal, but since then everything has just been spiraling downhill and fast.
You know the story-- divorce, suicide attempts, court hearings, legal trouble, financial torment, stress and misunderstandings and pain all around. It's not improving at all.

I'm still praying, still hoping, but I get the feeling that God wants me to finally learn from my actions for once before anything starts looking up.
I'm being a jerk. I keep giving in when I should be fighting, I should be the one setting an example for the fallen souls out there. I'm sick of being just another screwup.

I've become not only a huge procrastinator, but a liar.
I've become not only a hypocrite, but a manipulator.
I've become not only distant, but apathetic.


I really don't want to end up in the places I've seen some people in, and God help them to get out of there too.

...


They say God helps those who help themselves.


But I honestly don't know what to do anymore.