prismaticbleed | saturday morning (Reply)

saturday morning.

The very word "relationship" is a programming/ objectification trigger.
THAT'S why I say I can "only love strangers." It's a misunderstanding of this.
In actuality, I can love ANYONE as long as I am NOT "in a relationship" with them, no matter HOW close we are.
This is probably the real reason why I still am on the fence about the whole "marriage" concept. I like the concept, of course-- unity of opposites, two working as one, etc.-- but I do not like the fact that "now you're a legal couple!" "now you're tied to each other in a social/ cultural sense!" et cetera, plus the whole mess with sexuality and domestication that comes with it. It makes me very uncomfortable. It is not for me.
But the point is, that's a trigger word. "Relationship." It ties DIRECTLY into our biggest problem of "we see ourself (the physical self) as an object to be used."

later.

All right, I need help.
I have been self-abusing nonstop for FOUR WEEKS now. I've been marking the calendar and it has not abated.
This is bad. I don't think we've ever been this bad before, and that is scary.
I haven't had a full meal or a full night's sleep in a month, just about. Maybe three days of good sleep, but only as a result of exhaustion, and then I still wake up feeling sick.
In short, I'm scared. I can't remember not being sick at this point. I don't know how to stop.
That's the scariest part. I don't know how to stop anymore.

This isn't Jay. This is one of the long brown-haired brown-eyed girls. I'm guessing I'm about 17. I'm tied to the "Jess" bloodline thing.

★ A NOTE: the reason "Tar/Plague food" works is because it CHANGES THE BODY'S VIBRATION.
If you put enough sticky sick gunk INTO the body, it starts CHANGING the internal atmosphere of the body TO MATCH, therefore turning our body into a perfect breeding ground FOR THE TAR & PLAGUE.
THAT IS WHY WE ALWAYS GET HACKED AFTER EATING THAT GARBAGE!!!!!!!!!

the night

FOUND MY HAIR OVERLAY. Thank God. It's the same as my original pixel, go figure.
It's also a different color than the other Jay fragments have been holding. It doesn't have a yellow overcast, it's not pinkish, it's not glaring white. It has a sparkle to it but it's not silvery, it's not "flat" like a holographic page. It's like… I don't know, it's hard to see actually. But it's not stark white and it's not sheer color either. It's a balance like it should be.
Genesis also pointed out that I DON'T have a Pinstripe-style beard, which has been shadowing lately (I have this instead, IRL too). Pinstripe's vibe in general has been showing up a LOT lately as an overlay, which is making me kind of nervous; he wasn't bad, not actively... he was just... selfish? Self-centered? Too much like the mother. He had too much ice to him. I wonder if that's playing into the problem lately. Neither he nor his timeframe would be triggered without a reason. And they're both 2010 locked.
...You know, Laurie and I have been thinking about that stuff lately... the first suicide attempt, the sheer shock and crushing horror that accompanied the graveyard realization. It was a horrid, sickening time. I still can't think about it without wanting to sob and scream and shut down, but that emotion is EXPLICITLY Cannon's, it's not mine at all.
I wonder. I think we'll bring this up to the therapist on Monday.

This feels like me, the REAL me, the TRUE me... like what my inner spaces SHOULD look like. Feeling it, it's absolutely solidly sure, the sort of "perfect fit" resonance that just makes my soul settle into itself with a smile. That color against the holy white... that's all I'm sure of.

wondering if white/ black have DUAL COLOR PEOPLE???
since they are rainbow slots, technically.
i.e. headvoices with black/white hair but COLORED EYES.
one for each color? SPLIT? (7 each? or 6, if brown & gray DON’T count)

black guy out in church again. his name keeps resonating with "joph" as a root but no idea what that extends into. originally though his name was "jaiden/jayden" but that has too sharp an edge; this guy has a very soft edge vibe.
he has black hair and gold eyes currently. still thick dreads with gold crystal threads all through them. very serene. I like him.

I need to stop looping "Eventually" because it's tearing at my heart. I keep thinking of Laurie and wanting to just cry because damn it how did we get to this point.

If only there could be another way to do this
Cause it feels like murder
To put your heart through this
I know I always said that I could never hurt you
Well this is the very very last time I'm ever going to
But I know that I'll be happier
And I know you will too
Said, I know that I'll be happier
And I know you will too
Eventually…

I have so much heartbreaking ardent love for her, it's driving me to tears. And yet look at what I've done, look at the sins I've allowed to happen through tolerance, through hesitation, through inaction. I am so sorry. God I am so sorry, please forgive me for what I didn't do.

I really don’t know how things got this bad, this painful, this scary.
Every day we have the possibility of death standing behind us, hands on our shoulders, warning, waiting. I'm not scared of death itself but I'm scared of dying like this, when everything feels so incomplete and unfinished and tangled and raw, when there's still so much for us to heal and illuminate and put back together.

I can't die yet, we can't die yet, not like this, not in such a shambled state.
But there are lights, as I say. There are colored lights, brighter in the midst of this hell than they've been in half a year or more, and that is absolutely shocking.
But it's hope. It's sheer hope-- not even that. It's faith, in us. It's trust. It's love.

That's all I can say for tonight. Just light a little candle and keep it burning so I don't forget the truth beneath all this surface level pain and worry.

It's taking sheer willpower right now.
A song by U2 was looping in my head the other day… Cel's song.
"Love makes no sense of space and time will disappear; love and logic keep us clear, reason is on our side, love…"
Right now emotions are still largely buried, fogged-out. But logic is solid, strong, true. Sherlock is being pushed to a very prominent position and although that's surprising it's exactly what we all need right now.
I wonder if Markus needs to step back into this. He feels like maybe he should. Poor dude was in the background for years too, but when he shines, he's like the sun.
In any case, right now our heart is running on hope and we're tired. Right now, our mind needs to embrace the fact that it, too, is bright and holy and it, too, is good. We've had too many people tell us "the mind is bad" and that is not true.
Logic, reason, the mind, all that CAN be perfectly good and we WILL use it as such, some of us ARE that, and THEY are the people guiding us through hell right now.
But it takes sheer willpower. It takes strength, and detachment.
It's funny how I only ever understand this spiritual stuff we read when I see its reflection in headspace. I keep remembering how inside, we figured so much out without books anyway… honestly I want to go back to that. All our docs say we should stop reading all these articles but the paranoia, and the misrouting, is getting in the way. Honestly though, the saddest bit is that I KNOW "we" are only madly reading that stuff because it's acting as a placebo, as a replacement, for life inside. And that is heartbreaking.

Self-abuse and self-loathing is keeping us from really connecting as we should.
There are too many low-level alters that are running the show, working for "survival" on the basest level and still managing to fuck everything up. It's blind, identity-less programming.
But we're aware of it. We know it's there, we know what it's doing, and we're wise to it. Every single day, EVERY single day, even if it doesn't seem like it… we make progress. We talk. We look at what happened, or didn't happen, and we try to heal a little more. We talk to other people. We knit things back together, or tear other things back apart. It's fixing, healing, all the time. We don't quit. Maybe that's hope enough.
We just can't lose ourselves. Ever.
This color in my heart is heaven and it is utterly beloved to me. I cannot live without it, I know that.
Every day I try a little harder. One day I know I won't have to try, because we'll all be here all the time, bright and complete and no longer hiding or being buried. One day we'll be endless colored light and that's enough to move towards.

Sometimes I think that's what Death is really about. What ze's really saying.
I do love death, as a concept. Endings, transitions, the promise of something new being able to bloom from the ashes. Phoenixes. Winter.

Autumn is coming and it already feels like it. Summer feels "flat" to me, like an interim. Autumn feels like birth. Winter feels like life. It's so strange. But there it is.
Our autumn-colored people have all been having trouble lately, but they're all trying so hard too… they have such good hearts, I love them all dearly. I can feel the brimming potential in them, like they're almost at the verge of some great change, some luminous shift, but they're not quite there yet. Maybe autumn will bring that for them, when the world itself shines with their hues.

In the meantime we'll do everything we can.