032123

[prismaticbleed]

 
(rough entry, no strength to refine further right now)


SO TIRED.
Brain fog and exhaustion. could barely get out of bed. legs felt like cement bruises. 
forget how we finally moved. maybe laurie helped.

Church as usual, but since tuesday we also had our adoration + rosary hour!
time flew by. we never want to leave. deeply grateful we get to do this every week.

spontaneously tuned the guzheng, I really love this thing
Xenophon does too
mom wants us to sell it. all our life she's been like that though. we'd get a gift, and be told that one day we could sell it for money. hated how cash was always the end goal.
no we want to keep this. yeah it was expensive but it was bought as a hope for a brighter future we couldn't imagine, let alone see, as something that could immediately create beauty and sing of joy.
music means a lot to us, whether we admit it or not. we just... avoid it as a result, ironically. self-loathing and "defilement fear." like if this body touches it, it will be tainted forever by association. don't know why that negative belief STILL lingers.
nevertheless. some beautiful music in our apartment today. strings humming beneath our fingertips. there's something very sacred about it all.

BK prep fuzzy bc of fatigue and fasting way way too long
Also said DVM chaplet before we ate; getting all the prayers in first helps assuage guilt from pushing them later (plus it was already 3pm)

Knife & Razor comment on eggs today? as we were walking to table. said something about "trusting Jay to do the right thing", with cutting it or something? simple, but meant a lot to hear that casual but sincere confidence in his character.
Emma & Lynne are becoming very close. Emma is starting to talk a little. Feels like her color MIGHT CHANGE??? Which is hugely unprecedented; then again we've never seen a Lotophagoi become part of the Spectrum before. Wondering if there are "base hues" the nameless/faceless ones (need jargon) stick into, until/if they get an identity of their own outside of that programming??

Barry showing up "just to get his name listed" in the kitchen credits, he's such a loon
Jewel sudden revelation = "He never became an Inspacer because HE DIDN'T FIT ANYWHERE IN THE LEAGUE!!!" = there were NO RESONANT WORLDS for his "soulstring" to reattach to!!!
THAT EXPLAINS WHY PEOPLE LIKE GODOT, RORSCACH, BOGARDUS, MOFO, ETC. NEVER COULD STAY, OR SOMETIMES EVEN INTERACT!!! Their souls had NO NEW ANCHORAGE. The League WASN'T "BIG ENOUGH"... yet!!
This is also why Rio & Markus had such a tumultuous history-- they let go of their canon BUT never had a NEW one until the past 4 years or so??? And they need to LOCK IN TO THAT now, NOT HEADSPACE!!! Again, unprecedented, and vitally important to observe!
(for the record, we STILL have NO IDEA WHO was the pseudocore during the Godot days)


had choir tonight but since we literally did not eat breakfast until 430PM we decided to skip. also we can't make the concert this weekend anyway as we have to sing at our church.
unfortunately, not eating for like 19 solid hours and then being in panic mode meant we had a HELL LAPSE.
someone started bingeing on carrots, and before we knew it, we were violently throwing up in the bathroom.
somehow we had food from mom. that's a trigger too. not much but enough to make things worse.
whole event took less than an hour. but it WRECKED us. it occurred on no food, little water, high stress, so the body could barely cope.

no memory of much after. tried to go to bed. body so twitchy and sick, hard to breathe, "blackout" flashes. scared to death. laid awake for TWO HOURS in pain and awful fear.
prayed a lot. got nudged to drink more potassium water. did so. body slowly started to feel a tiny bit less catastrophic.
fell asleep around 230am